Stepmother never buys present for my DC

[piccadillycircus1]

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

@YoungScrappyHungry

She used money and 'treats' to bribe the kids and fool you all into thinking she 's a decent person and gives a shit about your DC

Fuck me I hope you warmed up for that stretch.

My children's step mother buys them nice clothes and little treats from time to time. Proper presents come from their father and step mother jointly. Theres no agenda.

Jesus @monkeymonkey2010 switch off the internet and have an early night.

Couples buy joint gifts surely so the gifts are from your ex and his new wife, not sure why she needs to buy separate gifts just from her? That would be more weird imo.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to buy my step kids a separate gift from me. I buy my kids gifts, he buys his kids gifts, but it comes from both of us.

@piccadillycircus1

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm. Personally, if I was the stepmum and his dad bought him a bike from his money I’d buy him another present, but that’s just me. I have no issues with her, my children like her which is the most important thing. It’s just this that I find a bit strange, maybe it’s normal 🤷‍♀️

Yes...Its a present from the family

@monkeymonkey2010

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her

I think they've BOTH taken advantage of your good nature and generosity.....and your children seem to be getting conditioned into believing they HAVE to 'share' everything with their step-sibling whilst accepting no consideration in return.

YOU need to set some clearer boundaries for yourself and your children.
Occasional 'treats' for the step-sibling have turned into a precedence - to the point that when YOU pull back it will be noticed and commented on by both your ex and his wife........yet i bet they both try to deny/avoid/manipulate the whole point when the conversation turns to your DC being given the same CONSIDERATION....

Your ex alone has financial responsibility to your DC - so it doesn't matter whether the 'gifts' are also sentimentally coming from her/joint account.
I doubt your ex and his wife make sure to 'buy' keep extra' of the same thing they get her DC for yours for when they visit.....so why have you AND your DC been made to feel like YOU are 'leaving step-sibling' out if you do away with the 'trimmings'?

She used money and 'treats' to bribe the kids and fool you all into thinking she 's a decent person and gives a shit about your DC.....except in reality she's kinda running rings round you all and

it's her and her child alone who really benefit from this 'blended family' kind of set-up

Such bullshit

When they come back from a birthday at their father's, do you ask your DC "what did stepmum buy you?"

I'm a step mum and all of the presents come from both of us. DSD knows they are from both and will thank both of us. In fact, most years I go out and buy more presents than her dad does, but I guarantee you she'll show people (inc her mum) a present and say "my dad got me this". I think it's just how kids work.

Every present for DSD is fr both her dad and me. Always have been. Seems weird she would do this like she doesn't care, yet you do care and you are doing the best for hers and your children even if she doesn't see it's. Your kids will remember this, and who made the effort. I say this as a step mum

If your ex is buying the presents, then I’d consider it a joint gift from step mum too. The reason it may seem strange to you, is that your ex is taking responsibility for the gift buying, when in a lot of cases it tends to be the female in the relationship who buys the presents.
In my case, for example, I took over the gift buying for my DH’s DC, pretty much within a few months of meeting. 12 years down the line and I’ve bought all their Christmas presents and DH hasn’t a clue what they’ve got and isn’t that interested.
It’s wonderful that your ex has kept this as his responsibility and shows how much care and love he has for his children. I’d say that’s all that matters. Unless there are other signs from the step mother that are making you feel this way.

There's no clothes or nice "treats " from her, I buy all their clothes. They have no clothes at their dads, just pack a bag from my house that's it.

Ok, I'll admit maybe I do feel a bit resentful that I'm constantly making an effort and buying her daughter presents for birthday and Christmas, and treats when they go to their dads house. And I feel like my children get nothing from her.

I can't just stop buying her child present even though we're not related, it's odd and I can't say no to my children when they ask if they can buy her a present.

Maybe this is the norm and I just have to accept it. I just know if I was a stepmum I would be different.

And no I don't ask my children if their stepmum bought them presents, because I know she hasn't. Their dad will ask them what they want, and he buys it. Like the bike DS wanted, she had nothing to do with it.

But yeah I guess I just have to accept whatever presents my children get from that household, it's from both of them even though she never spent a penny 🤷‍♀️

And I doubt they would buy anything if I had a DC, just because it's their half sibling.

And I feel like my children get nothing from her.

Well they do. They get presents from their dad and stepmother.

You have serious issues.

And no I don't ask my children if their stepmum bought them presents, because I know she hasn't. Their dad will ask them what they want, and he buys it. Like the bike DS wanted, she had nothing to do with it

Why on earth do you know this? (And how). It's weird... Butt out for goodness sake. It's none of your business.

And no, they probably wouldn't buy any future DC of yours, presents. That would be completely normal.

Stop it. You're being weird.

They are a couple

I would take it the presents are from them both.

I'd find it odd if she bought stuff just from her.

I think the gifts could be joint. Although my DP always buys something just from him at Christmas too. We split the main present. Then I also buy some things just from me. If I had a step-child who bought presents for my DC - I'd reciprocate and get something for the step-child from my DC.

But your ex is buying presents - that's from both him and his wife. Why on earth would she buy a seperate present? They are a couple.

Couples buy gifts which are from the two of them - either because they were bought jointly or because one of the couple has taken responsibility for the purchase but it is from them both. I am a step mum and initially when first going out, my husband paid for the gifts but I shopped for them. Latterly they come out of joint and I am the one that buys them. Its what works for us. I therefore think it odd to expect the stepmum to buy a separate present.

Do you have a partner? If not, gifts would come solely from you. So I think its normal that you would buy her child a gift in recognition of their relationship with your children. If you had a partner, you may still buy the gift but it would be normal for it to be deemed from both of you. Obviously if you decide to buy things from joint money or maybe even your partner solely purchased (I have done this in the past) then whatever works best

They have no clothes at their dads, just pack a bag from my house that's it.

Take this up with their father, your apparently lovely ex who you have such a cosy relationship with you know the details of his finances.

I can't just stop buying her child present even though we're not related, it's odd and I can't say no to my children when they ask if they can buy her a present.

A big part of parenting well is saying no occasionally. “DC, if you want to buy x child a present please ask your dad, he can take you shopping”. Parent your children

I just know if I was a stepmum I would be different.

Don’t be ridiculous. You have no idea what you’d be like as a step mum. You’re ignoring the multitude of step mums bothering to reply to your thread and explain that presents for their step kids are joint by virtue of their marriage of committed relationship joining their finances.

Like the bike DS wanted, she had nothing to do with it.

How many adults does it to take to choose and buy a kids bike? Why’s it a failing of hers that she had nothing to do with it?

But yeah I guess I just have to accept whatever presents my children get from that household

Well, yeah. He’s the parent to these children in their household. It is literally nothing to do with you how they arrange these things.

Seriously, you’ve been told, repeatedly, that’s it’s not your business, the way they do it is normal and you’re incredibly and weirdly over invested.

Focus on your own household, your own finances, your kids when they’re with you and your own life. Your ex and his wife owe you nothing and you won’t do yourself any favours obsessing about this.

If you get remarried will you buy separate gifts for the child you have with your ex? Your thought process is wrong on this. The gifts from their dad are joint and if you have a problem with what they receive from their father them that’s down to him.. you are looking for an excuse to demonise the SM.

You’re ignoring the multitude of step mums bothering to reply to your thread and explain that presents for their step kids are joint by virtue of their marriage of committed relationship joining their finances.

How am I ignoring all the other stepmums sayinng that presents are joint, when I've said multiple times that I accept it's the norm and I'm in the wrong?

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill!

It would be weird if she bought the kids separate presents. She’s married to their Dad - the presents are from them both 🙄

Surely if they're living together the presents are from both of them?

And stop buying for her child, absolutely no need. Sometimes it's good to tell children no if they ask for things.

I do wonder if a stepfather would be expected to buy his GF's children presents

And I've certainly never seen anyone criticise a man for not buying his stepchildren cupcakes.

This is so weird to be confused by, I’m glad you’re seeing it’s normal now.
I was a step mum for 3 years and everything we bought from either account was from both of us as our finances although separate were the household monies.
We actually occasionally bought his half brother a gift from holiday etc but I doubt the child’s mum ever wondered which one of us paid...
I really can’t get my head around this