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Original poster

Stepmother never buys present for my DC

223 replies

piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:24

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 11/12/2020 19:02

If they are married surely presents are from both of them does the gift tag just say from dad?

Leflic · 11/12/2020 19:07

I have always bought my SD a separate present and that didn’t change when we married. Likewise my DH has always bought his own gifts for mine.

I’ve never lived with his DD though or vice versa him with mine.

We do shared presents for our respective siblings, cousins and friends but separate ones for our parents. I think we just like spoiling them at Christmas.

ArnoldBee · 11/12/2020 19:09

As an evil stepmother I don't buy my DSD presents so much as I've had enough of buying them so her father can put his hand in his pocket. I'm also too busy paying for her food, clothes, activities and holidays which she won't be aware of where the money comes from. But as I go without to pay for these things I won't lose any sleep about not buying her a separate present to her father.

Wellthisismorethanabitgrim · 11/12/2020 19:11

I've been a SM for years and I never buy gifts specifically from me. DH and I also have separate bank accounts, but we effectively pool money anyway as we give each other money as and when needed if one of us runs out. So if he buys a big gift for DSC, I might end up paying more towards other things that month. I will occasionally pick up something they would like but it wouldn't really be from me specifically, it would be from both of us. DH doesn't buy separate presents for my family, I don't buy them for his. Doesn't matter who physically paid for a gift it's from us both. I think you're over thinking it!!

monkeymonkey2010 · 11/12/2020 19:12

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her

I think they've BOTH taken advantage of your good nature and generosity.....and your children seem to be getting conditioned into believing they HAVE to 'share' everything with their step-sibling whilst accepting no consideration in return.

YOU need to set some clearer boundaries for yourself and your children.
Occasional 'treats' for the step-sibling have turned into a precedence - to the point that when YOU pull back it will be noticed and commented on by both your ex and his wife........yet i bet they both try to deny/avoid/manipulate the whole point when the conversation turns to your DC being given the same CONSIDERATION....

Your ex alone has financial responsibility to your DC - so it doesn't matter whether the 'gifts' are also sentimentally coming from her/joint account.
I doubt your ex and his wife make sure to 'buy' keep extra' of the same thing they get her DC for yours for when they visit.....so why have you AND your DC been made to feel like YOU are 'leaving step-sibling' out if you do away with the 'trimmings'?

She used money and 'treats' to bribe the kids and fool you all into thinking she 's a decent person and gives a shit about your DC.....except in reality she's kinda running rings round you all and

it's her and her child alone who really benefit from this 'blended family' kind of set-up

ArnoldBee · 11/12/2020 19:15

Oh and for years I bought presents for her mother and older sister and got bugger all back - not even a card so I've now stopped. If only her mother paid maintenance...

CottonSock · 11/12/2020 19:18

I'd only expect a joint gift from them.

ClaireP20 · 11/12/2020 19:19

@Stompythedinosaur

Although, now I'm thinking again - the the dc's gifts from their df not from both him and stepmum?
This x joint income, joint presents. I bet he never spends time alone with the kids though...men who get married again never do,it drives me insanex
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2020 19:28

@piccadillycircus1

I know because, we're friends aswell as parents. We still care for each other, and help each other out if one of us is in need. We also go out for meals together with the kids, go to parents evenings together before COVID etc. So we talk. I never wanted to have the kind of relationship where we just drop the kids off and never see or speak to each other, not good for the children. So I'm lucky we get on. Better then when we were together. He's a good father, we just don't work together as a couple.
So how did presents work when you were a couple>

Did you both buy separately?

cabbageking · 11/12/2020 19:35

They are both responsible. It is unfair to blame her only.
Perhaps they have money issues?

YoungScrappyHungry · 11/12/2020 19:37

She used money and 'treats' to bribe the kids and fool you all into thinking she 's a decent person and gives a shit about your DC

Fuck me I hope you warmed up for that stretch.

Serafinaaa · 11/12/2020 19:39

Myself and my ex buy our children joint presents. We discuss what they'd like and both contribute. I don't have a new partner. He does but she hasn't met the children yet. I'm not sure what would happen if he wanted to buy them gifts with her... maybe he would still buy some with me, or my gifts would be smaller. I'm not sure.

AliceMadHatter · 11/12/2020 19:54

I have Step Adults now but me and DH have always bought presents together so gifts would say from Dad & Alice. We are a joint money couple though.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 11/12/2020 19:58

I don't have a joint account and didn't take dh's name. We married in 1988. The assumption (from us anyway)that any presents are from both of us. Your perception is weird. And you are too involved in knowing about their bank accounts.

Livelovebehappy · 11/12/2020 20:05

I would say it’s fine OP. At least you don’t have to buy her anything from your DCs on her birthday etc to reciprocate. Everyone knows where they stand this way.

AliceMadHatter · 11/12/2020 20:08

ClaireP20
This x joint income, joint presents. I bet he never spends time alone with the kids though...men who get married again never do,it drives me insanex

Pkease explain what you mean.

rottiemum88 · 11/12/2020 20:09

My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum?

Yes, it is. As an aside, what business of yours is it whose money the bike came out of Confused DH and I have a general rule that he buys for his side of the family out of his money and I buy for mine. We still put both our names on the tag. Completely normal. Your thinking on this is very off.

FootprintsInTheDew · 11/12/2020 20:11

Blimey. DH and I have separate accounts. Do his children think that all the presents we've bought them over the years are just from him Confused

VivaMiltonKeynes · 11/12/2020 20:13

I would imagine that it is a joint present . You're not one of these women who still want to do joint Mum and Dad presents are you ? to show the new partner her place

goopsoup · 11/12/2020 20:19

I think maybe it seems unfair as her dd is getting treats from her mum, dad, her step-siblings and from you, where as your children ae getting treats just from you and their dad?

Scale back on the things you give her dd to make it fairer.

2020iscancelled · 11/12/2020 20:23

Ok step mum here....

My partner buys the majority of presents and gifts for HIS kids, I also chip in and buy the odd thing but when we gift them they are seen as joint. As in happy birthday from dad & SM....

I think you’re over invested in their lives tbh, I only have a joint account with my partner bc we got one with our mortgage - we don’t share finances but if I buy something it’s “ours” and if he buys something to gift his kids then it’s from “us” - that’s just the way we work. How they work their finances and accounts is totally up to them.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 11/12/2020 20:26

@monkeymonkey2010 how the fuck did you get that narrative from OP's posts?

OP I know you said stepmum used to buy your DC cupcakes and stuff but that was when stepmum was just a visitor. As a step parent when you move in together you inevitably find yourself involved in picking up treats for all the kids in the household as part of the weekly shop, you plan meals around their likes or dislikes, you help out with chores and maintaining the home they live in. Any small but nice/thoughtful gestures just tend to get absorbed into everyday life and become invisible - the fact your DC still like her suggests that she treats them well overall as opposed to presents.

The difference between you buying nice things for her DD and the way she treats your DC is that she almost certainly contributes towards your DC's wellbeing whereas your relationship with her DD is more an "aunty" dynamic.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 11/12/2020 20:27

*towards your DC's wellbeing whilst in the care of her household

BefuddledPerson · 11/12/2020 20:28

This is very harsh on the stepmother!

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 20:33

@piccadillycircus1 disappeared I see...

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