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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepmother never buys present for my DC

223 replies

piccadillycircus1 · 11/12/2020 16:24

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 11/12/2020 18:10

Sorry messed above. It would be odd to buy separate gifts as a couple.

HitthatroadJack · 11/12/2020 18:11

No, I wouldn't buy separate presents or expect to receive any. It doesn't matter how they privately set up their finances.

It would be exactly the same for nieces, nephews. I don't even buy separate presents for my own kids. Even if something was more from me, and DH bought something special too, it just comes as "mum and dad".

It genuinely wouldn't have occur to me that the step-parent would either.

Maybe83 · 11/12/2020 18:11

I'm a stepmother. Dh is a stepfather all gifts are from us for our respective stepchildren.

We dont buy our joint child seperate presents and its the same for our stepchildren.

When we were dating we did buy seperately but we are married now. Labels/cards are from dad & maybe or mam & dh name. Then for dd is from mam & dad.

Thats completely normal I think.

Designateddiver · 11/12/2020 18:13

This thread has really made me think, my initial thoughts were it's joint presents and then I realised me and dp do separate presents and have been together a lot longer than 3 years anyway it's made me think!

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2020 18:14

Do they really discuss what money she may or may not transfer to him for presents when you meet up? How strange. Do you discuss your finances in such detail to them?

KumquatSalad · 11/12/2020 18:16

Even if it were about reciprocity for the little gifts you buy for your ex’s DSD, the equivalent would be him buying presents for a DSC of yours. It’s bit even about the SM at all.

Annie2746 · 11/12/2020 18:16

If they live together surely any gifts their father buys them are from her too?!

I live with my partner and my son from a previous relationship and our Dd. Once we moved in together every gift bought was just from both of us!

So YABU. I can’t see the problem.

IGetIt · 11/12/2020 18:18

@Bonsai49

I’ve always bought presents for my stepdaughter - and I’ve tried to be thoughtful about what I’ve chosen . It’s odd not too - even a token if money is tight is better than nothing.
I think it's far more odd to get separate presents personally.

I get things for my DSC too, if I'm out and I come across something they'd like, everything they are given though is 'from Daddy and IGetIt' no matter who paid. Sometimes only DH has paid etc.. it doesn't matter it's still from us as a couple.

Its weird imo for it to be 'this one is from Daddy and this one is from SM'.

cabingirl · 11/12/2020 18:19

So my DH and I often buy different gifts for his daughters because we both think of different things - he might have a really good idea about the 'big' present like a computer or something, and I like shopping for 'girly' gifts like jewelry and make-up. But everything we buy comes from both of us (or sometimes from the cat).

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 11/12/2020 18:19

I’m a step mum, I purchase all the gifts, wrap them and mark them as from us both, just as I would do for all theDCs

IGetIt · 11/12/2020 18:22

@cabingirl

So my DH and I often buy different gifts for his daughters because we both think of different things - he might have a really good idea about the 'big' present like a computer or something, and I like shopping for 'girly' gifts like jewelry and make-up. But everything we buy comes from both of us (or sometimes from the cat).
This is exactly what we do. DH usually always solely pays for the 'big item' and I'll just get small stocking filler type things that I see they'd like. Everything is from us though, not separate.

And sometimes on birthdays when they don't usually get lots of smaller items like they do at Christmas, DH will just buy the big item himself and say it's from us. Last birthday I didn't spend a penny of 'my' money, no one thought anything of it 🤷

Dixiechickonhols · 11/12/2020 18:22

It would be odd for a married couple to buy separate gifts. So the bike is from Dad and stepmom regardless of which bank account paid. Both name on tags. How do you know their financial set up anyway? Little treats then I wouldn’t expect her to leave your children out eg just buy one cupcake and nothing for dc if they will be there. Same with yours if you are sending them with bags of sweets the polite thing is to buy one for her dc too or just have the sweets at your house.

Superstardjs · 11/12/2020 18:22

You are being VU. You do your thing, fine, but to expect her to buy something else so it's just 'from her' is totally unnecessary and being stroppy for the sake of it.

naptimeismyhappytime · 11/12/2020 18:26

It's very odd you expect them to buy separate presents for your kids! What bank accounts they have is completely irrelevant!

littlefireseverywhere · 11/12/2020 18:27

Presents from your DS dad are from them jointly is the way I'd look at it.

Sceptre86 · 11/12/2020 18:28

I don't have a joint account with my dh so he will buy the presents for his side of the family out of money he earns but we are married so what is his is mine and all that. I have never paid for a gift for my nephew's birthday (dh's brother's son) but I am usually the one that notices what he is into and scours the shops or Internet for it. I do pick him up little bits here and there as I do for my own kids, does their stepmum do that? For instance I got him a selection box and some chocolate coins when I bought some for my two.

Your kids are sweet and generous and you have raised them well!

Bronzino · 11/12/2020 18:34

I’m married to a man with children and the presents are joint. I wouldn’t buy a separate one from me. That would be odd, wouldn’t it?

jessstan1 · 11/12/2020 18:37

@tyrannosaurustrip

I may not be understanding but if they're married now, aren't all presents joint?
That's what I thought.
SpaceOp · 11/12/2020 18:39

Yes, agree, the gifts from your ex are de facto from him and their step mother. You also don't really have genuine insight into how things are split. Eg, does she pay for all food, including the food your DC eat when they are at their house? Is she the one making sure that their beds have clean bedding, that there are toothbrushes/soap etc?

I think it's great that you, on your DC behalf, buy for their step sibling. But that's an entirely different thing. I would hope that, for example, were you to have another child or to marry someone with a child that your ex and his wife would, jointly (who cares who actually pays) send gifts etc on the basis that this is a sibling of their children.

Dishwashersaurous · 11/12/2020 18:41

Presents from married couples always come from both of them- irrespective of the financial set up in the relationship.

Presents to the in-laws come from both of us even though each of us buy the relevant presents.

I don’t think that you have actually got your head around the fact that they are married and a single unit.

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/12/2020 18:42

If they have seperate accounts so I wouldn’t expect her to be involved at all in the gift buying for your kids. You also need to remember you are buying gifts for her kids on your kids behalf which isn’t your job at all. It’s your ex’s. I think you do need to redirect your kids to him for those gifts.

Whatafustercluck · 11/12/2020 18:45

I'm a step mum. Even before we were married, and were living together, all presents were from both of us. As my career developed and we still had separate finances I earned more than dh so contributed more for presents. And still they were marked from us. Just as holidays with them were paid for jointly by us. Now we're married and our finances are joint, everything is from both of us for all our children. I think it's bizarre to expect her to buy separate presents. They're a couple. When they were getting to know me I probably bought them little treats and such. But entirely different when you're in a relationship long term and have settled into a normal life as a blended family.

zigaziga · 11/12/2020 18:47

All presents that I or my DH buys or chooses for anyone are from “us” even if one of us had nothing to do with it.
I can’t understand expecting a present from the step mum specifically.

Even if you have separate bank accounts I don’t think that matters at all honestly.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 11/12/2020 18:58

I don't think it is your business which bank account the present gets bought from.

Does he buy gifts from his bank account for her nieces and nephews, for example?

Ideasplease322 · 11/12/2020 19:00

I think you know too much about their finances!!

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