Stepmother never buys present for my DC

[piccadillycircus1]

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

I wouldn’t assume that they would get separate presents from their stepmom to their dad. Even if the present is in the dad’s name iyswim I wouldn’t expect the stepmom to have done anything different.

Your children wanting to buy something for their step siblings is nice but is their choice.

One year I bought a couple of things for my eXH’s DP and DSD on his behalf because I was out shopping anyway. he knew about it, I asked him if he wanted me to find something while I was out and he said yes. EXH then told DS that he mustn’t ever let it be known that I had actually bought and wrapped the presents because his DP would be upset. I never bothered again, And yet eXH was annoyed at DS for not buying anything the next year.... and DS tends to buy for his dad and his half brother only.

When it is the step siblings birthday does she get a gift from her own mum and from her step father (your ex)? If so then it is weird she doesn't reciprocate. If not then like most people gifts are from the couple.

Gifts aside, I think it's lovely that you and your ex are able to get on so well and that you have a friendship with his wife. Your DC are lucky.

This is very weird op. Presents are usually from a couple. They’re married. It’s also none of your business who’s money funds it - it’s joint. End of.

1. They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. You shouldn't know that
2. The presents they receive are from them both. They're married, they are a household.
3. If you feel it is unbalanced, get your kids dad to pay for the presents for their stepsister.

Let well alone. You sound like you have been more than reasonable, friendly, in your approach before, what's happened to make you change that?

I don't buy my stepkids presents as whatever their dad buys them is from us both. Not sure why it's such a big deal to you?

My mum and dad didn’t get me separate presents...so I don’t see why stepmom and ex have to get separate presents for your dc? Surely a big present like a bike is joint.

My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm.

I think that's normal. DH and I have separate accounts. When I buy presents for my sister's children, it is from both of us. When he buys presents for his sister's children, it is from both of us. For example.

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum?

I am married to my 2nd husband. We have 1 joint account for bills. We both have DCs. He buys gifts for his DCs and I buy for mine. But they are given from us both. I don't buy additional ones from me, and nor does he.

Along with pretty much everyone else, I think you're bring a bit weird about this.

Your DCs like her - that's all you need!

How do you know only your ex dh pays towards presents just because they have separate accounts
He may pay less in to their joint bills to help with buying / providing for your dc for all you know
Or may be agreement they have and it is still considered from both of them

@tyrannosaurustrip

I may not be understanding but if they're married now, aren't all presents joint?

^yes, yes they are.

OP YABU.

It doesn't matter if they don't have a joint account.
We do not have a joint account either but we buy presents as a couple. I actually find it odd to buy presents separately if you are a couple, regardless of how you manage your finances

I think you feel a bit resentful over this which is why you're looking around for reciprocity. Stop buying her dd stuff all the time. Phase it out. Sometimes only take enough change to buy something for your dc's. And for birthday/christmas gifts for her perhaps it would be more appropriate if they shopped for those with their df anyway? If not, he could at least give them the budget, it is his sdc.

I wouldn't expect stepmum to buy them gifts. The gifts from their dad are also from her. We dont get separate presents off my mum and stepdad even though its mum that buys them. My stepmum only started buying me presents when she divorced my dad me and my brother would give little presents to eachother though that were bought by our parents.

My DP buys for his son and I buy for my daughter (and our son but he gives me some money). Sometimes I will buy some extra bits for my stepson but all gifts are labelled from both of us.

I don't buy separate gifts for our son we have together, all the gifts are from us both

I used to buy my own presents for DSC but gave up when their mum started accusing me of overstepping the mark and trying to buy their affection. You can’t win.

@piccadillycircus1

They don’t have joint accounts, even though they’re married. My DS turned 8 in October and he wanted a bike, so his dad bought him the bike from his money. Is that also a present from the stepmum? I’ve never been a atepmum so don’t know if this is the norm. Personally, if I was the stepmum and his dad bought him a bike from his money I’d buy him another present, but that’s just me. I have no issues with her, my children like her which is the most important thing. It’s just this that I find a bit strange, maybe it’s normal 🤷‍♀️

I find that a strange expectation... if they got a bike from their dad then presumably he would address that as being from both dad and stepmum. I wouldn't expect the stepmum to buy separate presents as well just from her.

I would say as others have that it is from both of them unless their Dad is telling them different ie here kids look what Daddy has bought you. But I think the fact it goes wrong here is that if it is her child's birthday then their Dad should be organising buying a present from the kids to the step sibling. Does he do that? And then if you as other parent want to buy one for her child that is up to you as an adult. If it is just random including in sweets or drinks then I would just let you kids be thoughtful to include the step sibling and ignore that she doesn't for yours

I’ve always bought presents for my stepdaughter - and I’ve tried to be thoughtful about what I’ve chosen . It’s odd not too - even a token if money is tight is better than nothing.

I think the gifts from their dad are from her as well. Why would she buy separate gifts if she’s jointly bought a bike with her husband?

I really think the gifts are a red herring.

I think big gifts are from dad and step mum - but to me personally going to the effort of trying to find something my step daughter might like was part of being a step mum and part of making her feel welcome . It wasn’t another big ticket item but it wasn’t generic chocolate and smellies either !

Joint gifts. Separate would be weird. I don't expect an extra gift from my dad's partner.

The gifts are from both of them. When I buy a gift for one of the kids I don't write 'just from mum' on the tag!

If they're married I'd assume the present was from them as a couple.
The little treats may have stopped for financial reasons.
It would be odd if she did buy not a separate gift unless your ex buys her DD a separate gift on her birthday. I doubt he does.