Stepmother never buys present for my DC

[piccadillycircus1]

My ex has been with her for 3 years, married now and she’s never bought my children any presents for Christmas or birthdays. She always buys stuff for him though, I buy presents for her daughter because my children asks me, even on their way to the dads we’ll go to the shop and my children always asks if she also can have a drink/snacks. I even gave her bags of clothes for her daughter.

Before they moved in together, and they were dating she would always buy my children cupcakes and sweet treats when she spent time with them.

Were she doing this to impress him because they were in the early stages and everything was new and exiting?

I just can’t imagine not buying birthday presents or Christmas present for stepchildren who lives with me half of the week.

I feel sad when my children asks me if they can buy her daughter this and that when we’re out knowing they will never get anything from her.

Is this normal? I’d love to hear from other stepmums, how are things in your household?

So it sounds like you are resentful of buying a gift for your childs sibling because you think you are giving more than you are recieving back? I think this is because you are not thinking of them as a household. Would you expect any other married couples such as aunts and uncles to give seperate gifts?

@piccadillycircus1

You’re ignoring the multitude of step mums bothering to reply to your thread and explain that presents for their step kids are joint by virtue of their marriage of committed relationship joining their finances.

How am I ignoring all the other stepmums sayinng that presents are joint, when I've said multiple times that I accept it's the norm and I'm in the wrong?

And yet:

I feel like my children get nothing from her.

You don’t accept it otherwise you’d stop repeating yourself.

She’s not doing anything wrong. You are. You’re obsessed with your ex’s wife spending money on your children. Worth unpicking, in your own head or with a trusted friend, why that is.

Yabu op they are joint gifts. Though its upto my partner to buy his kids stuff not me.

You are missing the point OP that in sharing her home with your children for what you say is half the week, your ex’s wife will be making sacrifices for them even if not financially (though it would be highly unusual if her household income wasn’t affected at all by your DC’s presence), then in her time and attention. Unless you’re saying your DC like a woman who point blank refuses to spend any time with them?

Obviously you‘d never be put in a position where you’d be making similar sacrifices for her DD - you can get away with simply bunging the odd little present her way at the behest of your own DC and enjoy your feeling of superiority at how much better you are than your ex’s wife.

As a PP says, maybe you should start aiming your frustrations at your oh so lovely ex who can afford bikes for his kids yet won’t buy them a set of clothes

@Whiskeylover45

Every present for DSD is fr both her dad and me. Always have been. Seems weird she would do this like she doesn't care, yet you do care and you are doing the best for hers and your children even if she doesn't see it's. Your kids will remember this, and who made the effort. I say this as a step mum

OPs children get gifts from her ex and his wife. Just not from the wife..Just like you. So why are you the better stepmother?

To all those stepmothers who bought their stepchildren separate presents, I think this is very kind and please don't be made to feel weird from the majority of opinion here. I think it shows you are making an investment in your relationship which is so important. it is important to try to carve out your own relationship and not weird at all to buy presents separately if you want. Also it's not weird at all to know how people deal with their finances within families, your children are his children too so you do end up knowing all these sort of things somehow. People on here seem quite uptight about what should and should not be happening with stepfamilies, I would never judge somebody for being weird because they do things differently to me

If it is coming from the household income then it doesn't matter who's bank account it is. For all you know stepmum ordered and paid the bike. Or paid the big shop that week because dh was buying a bike.

Does ex buy step child a gift? Or are presents from them both?

If you don't want to buy step sibling a gift don't. When do say "can I buy xxx a birthday gift" say "that is a lovely idea, ask your dad to take you to the shops"

I would never allow my children to turn up anywhere with choc for themselves and not the other children there. Eat the sweets before they go, or contine bringing something.

YABU. They’re a couple; presents to your kids come from them both.

Yes couples don’t give presents individually - not usually anyway.

I think you need to cut right down on getting presents and treats for your dc when they are going to their dad's, and their step-siblings alongside that. I can see why you've become resentful, but it's not the step-Mum’s fault that you've got into this habit.

My DH buys for his side of the family at Xmas. We don't have a joint account. The presents are from us both. I buy for my side of the family and the presents are from us both.

Presents to my step children (and now step grandchild) are joint from me and their dad (my husband). Always have been. As are presents to our son.

Are you saying on gift tags which most presents do only has dads name on and not step mums now that would be weird

And your coming across as resentful. Stop buying for her kids if that’s the case and say to your child to ask dad to do it with him.

I only spend £20/£30 on my SD. DH buys the majority - because I have the rest of my family to buy for.

It really is none of your business how they make it work in their house, and whether or not they have joint accounts?! Maybe you should also spare a minute for all of the other things SM pays for throughout the year too? Give the woman a break.

This thread is bizarre. You wrd too involved knowing ex wife sisters finances. It's not your business and you are finding fault wherever you can. You child got a new bike from them but you want more. A bit grabby I must say.

Yeah, my partner buys presents for his daughter from both of us. It would be weird if we bought separately. When we first got together I bought separate but now we're engaged and have a baby together presents are jointly from us. I do stockings for his daughter and our son but they are from santa so I get no credit lol. But I do spend a bit on it - my partner has thanked me for doing it and offered to give me money towards it but I declined - I want to do it and one day she'll know it was from me. Also its my choice, I wasn't asked. I think you are being very sensitive but you do have a sense of humour about it so it won't become an issue :).

I'd expect the presents from their father to be from "Dad and Step Mum". I wouldn't expect her to get a separate present.

However, I also wouldn't expect an ex to be buying presents for new partner's children. Presumably you don't see them much?I would expect them to have presents from their step siblings but their father and his wife should organise that.

The bike was from both of them. They are married.

Like the bike DS wanted, she had nothing to do with it
Do your ex told you that he bought the bike out if his account, and made a point if saying that she hadn't transferred half the money in his account towards it?

Because otherwise how would you know? You getting presents for her DD is totally different. It's not you getting it it's your kids, you just happen to buy it on their behalf.

And I'm not a SM but mum and it never crossed my mind once to wonder how gifts were distributed to my kids there and how much you actually spend from her own personal account towards them. I did buy things for her children on behalf of my kids.

And I feel like my children get nothing from her
Good one! If you know how she has made sure that your children don’t benefit from her money, energy or time, whether directly or indirectly, please do let me know.
I’d love to conduct an evil step mum experiment and see how much money and time I’d save if i wasn’t contributing to DSD in any way. I’ll let you all know how I get on, if my marriage survives, if I go up an evil step mum level etc.

Also it's not weird at all to know how people deal with their finances within families, your children are his children too so you do end up knowing all these sort of things somehow

Erm yes it is. You having children with someone does not mean you should know the ins and outs of how that person and their spouse conduct their personal finances within their family. It is absolutely none of your business so long as your children are provided for when with them.

My husband's ex has absolutely no idea how much I earn, whether we have a joint account, who spends what on who at Christmas and birthdays, from who's account it came out of of etc... Because why the hell would she? We don't share that information with random people and yes, even when she has children with him, she is a random person in the context of how we arrange our finances.

I'm just picturing her reaction if DH asked to know how her and her partner set up their accounts etc... She'd tell him to get lost I imagine.

I’d love to conduct an evil step mum experiment and see how much money and time I’d save if i wasn’t contributing to DSD in any way

Agree. Things like this get forgotten. So she's not buying a separate birthday present? So what. It doesn't mean that she isn't contributing at all to the DC.

I contribute to my DSC in all sorts of ways that aren't presents. I do the food shopping 9 times out of 10 which includes all their snacks and treats, lunches, meals etc... The bills I pay half of are naturally higher as they are with us 50% of the time, the mortgage I pay toward is larger because we needed a bigger house and so on...

If you have a problem with your children not having clothes and treats at their dads take it up with him. It's not her responsibility.

Your thinking is so skewed. If your XH is paying for the presents, that is money from their household For the last few years, I've paid for my step children's presents, other years DH has paid. It never entered my head that his XW might be secretly judging us on who actually forked out although knowing her she probably is now I come to think of it

It really is a non issue.

I’d love to conduct an evil step mum experiment and see how much money and time I’d save if i wasn’t contributing to DSD in any way

Yep. Including the fact theres no way DH would be able to afford living in this house without my income, have his 7 seater car, all have a bedroom each, etc etc, not even including all the presents/food shop I do.

Get your nose out of their relationship and out of their finances.

I’m a step mum (have been for 8 years, which is most of the children’s lives!) and I dont buy them presents specifically from me. DP usually buys their presents but it’s generally implied that it’s from both of us. Sometimes if I see something they might like I will suggest it to DP and sometimes he will ask me if I think they would x. But we don’t have separate presents with some from dad and some from step mum.