I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

Do you want to be a SAHM?

Would he consider being a SAHP himself? I doubt it. What do you want OP

Ideally I’d want to work but part time.

But it is hard. Like I say this isn’t an abusive man trying to coerce me into staying at home and losing all my independence. He’s just overthinking EVERYTHING.

Hmm..his job sounds more incompatible than yours regarding emergency childcare given all the travelling away. Maybe he should be concerned about that instead!

The other way round, but when ds was a baby I travelled (and still do in normal times) and Dh commuted about the same time as you are looking at. Ds was in nursery FT.
There was never a time when the distance was a problem. I think he needed picking up early a couple of times, but they knew parents were working and understood that it took time to get back. In an emergency they would of course call an ambulance.
School are a bit more snotty about it (and some on MN will tell you that its totally unreasonable to not have someone able to pick up at the drop of a hat at all times), but its never been an issue in reality.

@BoogieFeet

Hmm..his job sounds more incompatible than yours regarding emergency childcare given all the travelling away. Maybe he should be concerned about that instead!

He’s already in an established job. OP hasn’t even applied for this one.

Have you actually outright asked him if he wants you to be a SAHM, OP? Or are you just assuming?

Doesn't sound like you want to be a Sahm so don't. Sounds like DH wants you at home for his own benefit.

Nursery is expensive but if he is so worried, he can cut his hours and be with the child. Also, nursery is a family expense not just yours.

and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

then one of you get the baby and stay at home. How do you imagine millions of parents manage...

I think he is overthinking it. The cost of nursery and worrying about what will happen if baby is sick are things everyone worrries about when 2 parents work. I found when they went to school it was worse - at least daycare covers working hours, school doesn't. You muddle through (especially if both parents take their turns at stepping up).

Do YOU want to be a SAHM? I didn't. It can be a lot easier for a family if one person is full-time carer of the baby during working hours but that comes at a cost to the job prospects/career of the one (usually mother) being full-time at home is hard for many (way harder for me than my quite stressful, deadline-driven job) and in many cases it changes the dynamic in the relationship in several ways - mum being seen as the go-to parent for everything and dad seeing the money more as his.

Just get paid back up childcare
Live in au pair to do pick ups
Pay from joint income

I'm a single working parent, if DS is unwell I just have to take time off, you just have to make it work. If you don't want to be a SAHM it's ultimately your choice.

Live in au pair to do pick ups

I was waiting for the au pair comment. so Mumsnet 😂

And itis your pension conteibutions etcthat build up
Orishe paying into a pension for.you ?
You can both make it work
He can turn downtravel

I know sanchi - believe me! And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

I think the sahm thing is for convenience really. And that has surprised me. To me, worst case scenario is DH working away, I get baby to nursery for 730, I am then off to work by 745, get there just before 830, and pick baby up around 4. It just seems really easy when I put it like that but DH has so many what ifs!

Maybe it’s anxiousness related to working away. I suppose if I in another country I’d maybe feel better knowing my child was with his Mum.

Does he travel for work or leisure?

I know sanchi - believe me! And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

that is exactly how it works. but if it's a healthy child, it doesn't happen often. You are overthinking it too

If you don't want to be a SAHM then don't be one. It works for some people but for others it absolutely doesn't.

At the end of the day, it is your decision and he should be thinking less about minor inconveniences to himself (washing his own pants, pulling his weight around the house, occasionally having to take a day off if the kid is sick) and more about the overall benefits to you and your family.

If he is just overthinking, has he thought about what might happen if he lost his job? Or if he because seriously ill over the long term and couldn't work? What would your family do then?

There are advantages and disadvantages on both sides. He seems to only be thinking about one side and not the other.

OP I would advise any woman to avoid becoming a sahm unless she has an unearned income source such as an inheritance or investments.
You will lose out on pension contributions and promotions, your work skills will become rusty and out of date, and you will feel resentful having no money of your own and being dependent on your DH for pocket money like a child.
It also tends to subtly affect the power balance in the marriage, however well meaning and egalitarian you both are.
My DH died unexpectedly at the age of 36, when our DC were both still babies.
Thankfully, I was not a sahm - I was still working, albeit part time, as a hospital doctor, so my skills were up to date to allow me to resume a full time career and support my DC alone. None of us know what the future holds, and keeping a career running is only sensible.

I don't think working 40 minutes to an hour away from school/nursery is that unusual. Indeed at both of those locations your child is in the care of people who probably know more about pediatric first aid than you do. If there is a serious issue they will call for an ambulance or doctor.
There's also the wider issue of your career, your pension and the example you might want to set for your children.

I think my DH has this opinion too but we never really had a conversation about it because I made it clear from the start that I would be going back to work and the subject wasn't up for debate.

I always worked full time as a single mum with one child. I had no relatives to rely on.
I managed very well but tended to use childminders rather than nursery.

Many men would prefer the mothers of their children to be SAHM. And contribute financially. And always have clean pants but not have to clean them themselves. I mean who wouldn't? So much more straightforward.

As someone who SAH for years, don't take his preference on this into account. It's a family decision if you can't afford to have a SAHP or if your H doesn't want to be completely financially responsible but if you can and he does this is ONLY about what YOU want to do.

PS don't do it

I read it as he wants the knowledge you are at home to make his working life easier !!! And why should that be? If you want to work then go to work!

It's probably just anxiety. I wouldn't read anything negative into his wanting to think things through

Why would him working away make it any different to him being at home working if the baby was ill at nursery? Either he’d have to stop work to go and get the baby, or you would. If he’s away, obviously it would be you.

Babies at nursery will get ill. And it is disruptive as working parents to go and pick up. Obviously if there is a SAHP the one working parent’s life is never disrupted, so that’s a big attraction for the person who doesn’t want to deal with setting some expectations with their employer around flexibility. But if you don’t want to SAH - and it’s a risky choice for most women, I’d say - then he needs to support you not put imaginary roadblocks in your way.

Now you both have a baby, you both need to be responsible for childcare. His job shouldn’t automatically be unaffected by parenting - it needs to be joint.

I think the problem is that I haven’t actually got a job at the moment. If I had one to go back to it would be different, but as it is there’s a hesitancy about me applying for one that isn’t ‘perfect’ but the chances of the ‘perfect’ role (part time, within 10 minutes commute) are slim to none!