I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

DH asked me if I wanted to stay at home after dc2 (had been made redundant & was looking for new career where initial pay was less than childcare costs). I said no as it wasn't for me & yes it was more expensive for us as outgoings increased however we could afford it. I'm so happy I did though.

@Treacletoots

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Both parents created the child, both parents are equally responsible for the care of said child.

Why in 2020 are women having to consider giving up their job, going part time and damaging their career etc because it's too hard for their male partner to accept he needs to step up too?

oh stop it, why are posters still going on about this.

it's too hard for their male partner to accept he needs to step up too?
well done you if your family could afford for your partner to do that, or if YOU wanted to go back to work after 3 months. In some countries, it's the norm, and why not.

I don't know many women who are offered a maternity leave on full pay, so someone has to step up and work to pay the bills.

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Because men all talk the liberal talk before kids... then do whatever the fuck they want to the agreement and applause of their peers as soon as kids have arrived - and Mum finds herself standing there holding the baby. Men. That's why.

I know this is completely beside the point OP but have you considered applying through an employment agency. They sometimes have the pick of the crop many employers. NHS also have lots of part time admin and support roles. I guess it just depends what you're looking for.

In my opinion don't just be a SAHM because he wants you to be, kids don't stay small and dependant for long and financial independance (even if its just being able to treat yourself out shopping without asking) is so important.

I had a nanny share for both of mine from 1yr old until 3 then nursery. I was barely ever called and even then it was because one of them had thrown themselves off the top of a slide or stuck something up their nose.

Healthy kids rarely get sick enough for the nursery to be calling you to come and get them unless you took them in knowing they were ill (once saw a woman taking her kid to school, they were waiting for the bus, he looked like death and suddenly threw up. She gave him some water and they didn’t turn around a go home, they continued to wait for the bus).

Apply for the job and see how it goes.

oh stop it, why are posters still going on about this.

Perhaps because we still have a long way to go in terms of career equality?

I don't have an issue with a woman or man choosing to stay at home. The key word is choice!

oh stop it, why are posters still going on about this.

Until I see women participating equally in the labour market I will continue to shout about this.

It's important

mine was still managerial but i stayed pretty junior so i could conc on family

Or ...

Your DH was able to attain a higher salary because you subsidised his half of the domestic home work (incl. childcare).

the burn the bra brigade have ensured that woman who choose to sahm now have very little rights. No longer can you stay in the family home or expect maintenance in the event of divorce. Your exDH will push for 50/50 as he knows he pays you nothing and your entitled to zero maintenance. So equality has simply benefited the man when it comes to children. However we have a long way to go in the workforce....its a mans world is a very fitting tune now as I see very little difference

the burn the bra brigade have ensured that woman who choose to sahm now have very little rights.

oh if only we could return to the halcyon days before those nasty feminists ensured women had no rights. The days when women (my mum was one of them) had to give up their civil service jobs, when there was no maternity leave or any support for single mothers, when illegitimate children were adopted, when women openly earned less than men for the exact same job, and most family homes were held in the sole name of the husband and there was no family protection acts to stop him mortgaging it from under his wife. All my mum's sahm friends who had absolutely no access to money whatsoever except what their husband chose to share with them felt so much more secure. The lovely days when rape in marriage was legal and when women often found it difficult to open a bank account in their own names if they were married.

Those burn the bra women have a lot to answer for.

OP, you sound like you want to go back to work. So do it. a 4 day week is great. There was one year when I had 3 in daycare and it cost me money to send them - looking only at my takehome pay. but in that year I contributed to my pension, had health and life insurance, made social security contributions and maintained my career and got a raise. I also had no family at all nearby nor did dh but we managed together.

You are going to worry and fret about loads of decisions about your children - it is normal. We moved ds to a different school in 6th grade. I spent the entire summer before the move stressed out of my mind about how I would drive him to school and get to work. It was fine. you'll be fine.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

So if you hadn’t been able to do that, what would you have done?

Worst case scenario, baby is unwell, baby needs to wait an hour. Ideal perhaps not but not something that imo is worth not working at all for the next decade in case it happens.

That really isn’t the worst case scenario. Worst case scenario is baby goes to icu from the nursery, the hospital doesn’t let staff in, so baby is there all alone while procedures are done (happened to my DC childand he was in hospital for hours alone because even when his DP got to the hospital because of his state they couldn’t let anyone see him until a consultant had). In my case I would have employed a nanny if we couldn’t move but in the situation above I would want him around family which is why we moved.

I used to live in a commuter town before where both parents worked and nobody where both parents worked took on the London (1.5 hours), Birmingham (2 hours), or Manchester (2.5 hr) commutes without having a plan for emergency care.

feminists eroded womens divorce rights, eh! Classic one

Keep doing paid work OP! Apply for that job.

@Treacletoots

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Both parents created the child, both parents are equally responsible for the care of said child.

Why in 2020 are women having to consider giving up their job, going part time and damaging their career etc because it's too hard for their male partner to accept he needs to step up too?

She isn’t just talking about working full time. She’s talking about taking on a lengthy commute when the other parent already has a job that means he works away. Emergency childcare needs to be planned for - all it takes is a track closure for example and some train journeys out of London become impossible. I have often been 5 hours late home from work - in that situation someone needs to be able to pick the baby up from nursery. You can’t just leave a child at nursery indefinitely while you make your way home - many have strict policies of calling social services if you don’t pick up by a certain time even if it’s the first time.

pallisers I totally agree there has been massive benefits for working woman in the past few years.I myself have benefited from fantastic maternity benefits although with my first I was back at work when he was 3 1/2 mths old and that was only in the 90s. However this thread relates to those that choose to SAHM. there is still rape in marriage, there are still woman who think it is normal to change there name on marriage, there are those who still believe they can be SAHM and in the event of divorce will get maintenance and stay in the family home. My point wasnt around the positives surrounding equal rights and protections around DV however woman need to cotton on that they cant assume giving up a career or full time employment provides them with the same safeguards as you may have had 20 yrs ago.

The only time my dc needed to be collected from school early due to illness was on my day off. I was out with friends so fairly delayed getting back. If I was working on that day I would have been much closer.
It's not a given that you can handle all emergencies by not working unless you don't venture out much!

@HitthatroadJack

And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

depends on your job.

Unless we are talking about a genuine emergency, many places of work would not be impressed if you suddenly gather your things and rush out because of a sick bug or something relatively minor - but still needs an immediate pick up.

Tell your boss you closed the shop, you are leaving a class of 30 kids, you were half way through the meeting and left.. it doesn't matter what gender you are frankly, but it really is not that easy.

Working parents don't have the choice, but let's not pretend it is so easy to book the time off you need when schools close (regardless of covid)/ kids get sick or injured/ election days/ inset days/ half terms with no holiday club.

It's very easy when they are at nursery because they are opened pretty much every day of the year. It's not when they are at school.

This makes it sound like families where both parents work are rare and precarious things. No, your boss probably won't be impressed if you dash out but also it happens every day in workplaces up and down the country (like lots of other things that bosses aren't impressed by, like people phoning in sick on a busy day or someone slacking off a bit). Most mothers of preschoolers now work, so most families deal with this, it's not some insurmountable obstacle that OP is foolish to attempt to scale.

Those who think that it's unacceptable to be 40 minutes away if a child is in nursery in case they have to go to ICU (!) - can a SAHM go for a swim during the day? What if she goes to someone's house with rubbish phone signal?

Grumpy, really, so a SAHP should be available at all times in case a baby needs to go to the ICU?

I am all for encouraging a work life balance but that’s a very extreme reaction to something that will probably never ever happen!

40 minutes really isn’t the horrendous commute you are making it out to be!

My husband wouldn’t mind me working in school hours

Wow, so big of him!

40 minutes really isn’t the horrendous commute you are making it out to be!

I live in London, my commute is 35 mins & generally considered pretty short. It's unusual for me to be under 35mins on my day off as I see friends, run errands etc.

I never understand why people recommend that you go for a nursery close to your work in case baby is ill; the last thing you want to do with a baby who is being sick or has a fever or any other reason nursery would call you is strap them into a car seat for 40 minutes or take them on public transport (and taking an ill baby on the latter seems antisocial); they'd be much better off waiting at nursery before a short journey home.

And it's also so much less convenient for the vast majority of the time, when they aren't ill. A long daily commute for a baby is rubbish and is likely to muck up their sleep, it's not fun for you and it takes off the table dropping them into nursery if you're ill or have the day off, which can be very good options to have, or keeping them in nursery if you have another mat leave.

He wants you to be at home to pick up the pieces.
If you want to work, work.
Maybe write a list of what if’s or a list of pros and cons to working. Sit down together and problem solve.

Before my dh wfh due to covid, we both worked about a 45 minute drive away, currently now just me doing it. Have 3 children & have never had a problem at nursery or school. In the rare times theyve needed picking up early, I've told school that it'll take one of us up to an hour to get there as at work - its never been an issue. I dont think it's a particularly long commute and I think you should definitely apply for the position .

It does massively depend on the situation. My DH was massively keen for me to work, and I do, but he earns so much more than me, and the reality of the situation was that him having to take time off if the kids were ill or whatever didn’t work, because there was a very real possibility he would lose his job. It made me angry and I think it’s really rubbish that this is a common problem. In the end I did sacrifice my career to some extent and I now work 4 days a week but (mostly) school hours. While he’s been WFH over Covid I’ve picked up a few extra hours and he’s had to pick out youngest up from school, but it’s only now he’s older (8) that it works. It’s not great, and sometimes I do resent it. Having said that, juggling a FT job, with two much younger kids, a DH who was constantly stressed about work, no help around the house... it wasn’t fun. As much as I do want to further my career, at the moment it does work for us. It’s not easy OP. I will say though that being a SAHM is not always good for your mental health. Some people love it but I did not. I do feel like we have a good balance at the moment.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

Grumpy, really, so a SAHP should be available at all times in case a baby needs to go to the ICU?

I am all for encouraging a work life balance but that’s a very extreme reaction to something that will probably never ever happen!

40 minutes really isn’t the horrendous commute you are making it out to be!

I didn’t say that. I said you shouldn’t embark on it without a plan for emergency childcare. Most, if not all of the commuters I know who have at least a 60min London commute and a partner who works away, have a plan in place. I think a lot of SAHM romanticise workplaces - believe me you will not keep a job for long if you keep having to go home when the baby is sick because your DH is in a different part of the country. They expect both partners to be involved in childcare and if not that you have a nanny / au pair / person to help out.

I think I will take my chances in my not-London, not 60 minute commute and no known health problems with my baby.

Of course, should we move to London and the baby develop health conditions which mean imminent trips to ICU are likely, we would revise.