I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

I've done both having nursery near work and nursery near home. I certainly wouldn't rule out using a nursery at work advantages and disadvantages to both.

If DH is away a lot I would consider nursery near work more on the basis of if you get stuck in traffic or the train breaks down. It's less stressful to have the child with you than the clock ticking while your going nowhere.
Disadvantages, are a sick child then has a commute to get home. But there again if it's a really ill child your going to Doctor or hospital anyway.

They may have been a nice nursery, but they weren't an efficient nursery. Any nursery ownera who think all their charges' parents work 10 minutes away are deluding themselves.

I don’t think nurseries expect parents to be 10 mins away. But most expect you to pick up an ill or injured child within half an hour at most (or have an emergency back-up contact to collect them). If you’re a 40-min commute away that’s likely to be closer to an hour or more once you’ve told your boss, packed up, got to your car etc. Then you could get stuck in traffic. Or delayed by train/bus timetables if commuting on public transport.

It’s horrible trying to rush to nursery knowing your child is ill or injured and needs you. I’ve been there.

I don’t think it’s fair on your child, nursery staff or other children at the setting if you can’t collect promptly in an emergency. Especially if child is infectious, eg has covid symptoms or starts vomiting. If staff have to isolate your child for an hour it messes up their ratios. Not all nurseries have an isolation room either. They can apply basic first aid but parents are expected to deal with anything more serious.

A solution would be to have a back up childcare plan for emergencies eg a local friend or relative who can collect your child and look after them while you’re commuting back (at least for the times when your DH is abroad).

I would advise anyone who can to take the full time job. However, it is hard. My advice...
Get a cleaner
Get a gardener
Even if you end up with no profit from your work, it's worth continuing with it to keep up to date.
I would also add, in my experience pre-school years were so much easier. Once DS started school, holidays were a nightmare along with assemblies, sports days, endless bloody meetings as DS was apparently never doing what he should be doing (now at uni though so turned out fine despite this...), book bags. Trying to get a tired child to do homework after pick up from the after school club was not easy.
To be honest OP, primary school destroyed my career and I resent it.
Make working as easy as possible, hence my suggestions above, don't worry about the nursery years (another one here who never had to pick up at short notice), and hope that your child's primary school isn't a nightmare come the time. (But you can cross that bridge later).

We’re in home counties commuterbelt and a CM was fantastic when DC2 was tiny, including on the (v rare) occasions we were both delayed by train issues.

I went back to work when my baby was about 8 months old. I worked 30 mins away. Hubs travelled a lot with his work and was often away. It was incredibly stressful as every drop off and pick up were on me. The days he was away I was glued to my phone at work in case nursery rang. I was terrified of missing a phone call, him being in another country and our baby being sick at nursery.

I really resent him for choosing to continue to work away during that time.

I think you should go back to work but perhaps he needs to rethink and limit his work travel while you have young DC.

@HikeForward

Nurseries are well used to the fact that many if not most of the parents of their charges don't work around the corner and may take some time to come and pick up a poorly child. They have systems in place to deal with that

Sorry but I disagree. My kids attended 4 different nurseries in total, and even the nicest nursery was not happy about looking after my vomiting child for nearly an hour while I made my way home through traffic to pick her up. In that 50 minutes she was putting staff and kids at risk of Norovirus. A few times I was called to pick up child with a bumped head, again they were not happy as one member of staff had to sit with child constantly assessing them for signs of concussion. And on 1 occasion DD split her head open falling off a step, blood everywhere, if my DH hadn’t been nearby at the time to whisk her to A&E nursery would’ve had to call an ambulance!

To be honest our nursery absolutely had to keep hold of the child for an hour, unless I could disapparate there was no physical way to get there quicker and that would be the same for virtually any parent. Nursery we’re fine with this? They knew that nurseries were usually closer to home than work, and in london that means a commute.

[quote Lightknight]@Spitoutthebauble I love your honesty on the unicorn job. I have an au pair who is great, but I'm just shattered by work. Probably because I'm surrounded by middle aged public school bullshitters. Both of us work ft and mine are in school so I'd love to just have a break and do her job instead (school runs and some nagging). I tried doing part time but didnt enjoy being half hearted and constantly switching modes. Really nothing is perfect. Do you still work?[/quote]
Yes I still work, but we moved away and the unicorn job was exhausting so now I freelance which is alternately amazing and shit.

Meh, it doable. I worked full time since my daughter was eleven months old, and then as a single parent for the past three years. I have to travel during the day for work (obviously not at the moment) but there have been times when the school phoned to say she was sick, and I have literally been in another city two hours away. They just said we’ll keep her until you get here. Other times my trains were late or cancelled, and my childminder held on to her (obviously I paid for that). I have built a network of a few friends who could pick her up if I was stuck, but it’s never really been needed. Her dad lives too far away now to help, and I have no family nearby. Honestly, I’m so glad I kept my career going as when I became a single parent I became the sole provider as her dad does not contribute. Keeping my career on has meant I have now ended up in a much better paying job, that affords flexibility, and so I can attend school plays etc. Travelling across Scotland for work has never been an issue either. Overnights would be more of a struggle, but I’ve never stressed about being two/three hours away during the school or nursery day. It just is what it is.

@HikeForward

They may have been a nice nursery, but they weren't an efficient nursery. Any nursery ownera who think all their charges' parents work 10 minutes away are deluding themselves.

I don’t think nurseries expect parents to be 10 mins away. But most expect you to pick up an ill or injured child within half an hour at most (or have an emergency back-up contact to collect them). If you’re a 40-min commute away that’s likely to be closer to an hour or more once you’ve told your boss, packed up, got to your car etc. Then you could get stuck in traffic. Or delayed by train/bus timetables if commuting on public transport.

It’s horrible trying to rush to nursery knowing your child is ill or injured and needs you. I’ve been there.

I don’t think it’s fair on your child, nursery staff or other children at the setting if you can’t collect promptly in an emergency. Especially if child is infectious, eg has covid symptoms or starts vomiting. If staff have to isolate your child for an hour it messes up their ratios. Not all nurseries have an isolation room either. They can apply basic first aid but parents are expected to deal with anything more serious.

A solution would be to have a back up childcare plan for emergencies eg a local friend or relative who can collect your child and look after them while you’re commuting back (at least for the times when your DH is abroad).

Again, this is just not my experience of london at least. The reality is that many parents have absolutely no family and there is no one to call, no one to BE the emergency fallback. Plus people have commutes of an hour.

In my teeny family oriented town I now live in, they expect almost instantaneous pickup from school or childminder in an emergency, and because that is possible, they get it.

It’s horses for courses really.

People saying dh needs to limit his travel ... he can’t. That’s not how it works. It’s like saying to a surgeon they need to limit their time in the operating theatre, or to a vet to limit the time with animals

It’s a great job, it’s very well paid and flexible except when he is working away.

My line of work is in education. So term time only, three days a week. Let’s say DH is away for fourteen weeks of the year and none of those weeks are in school holidays.

That’s forty two days in which our baby could fall ill, need picking up, and have to wait an hour.

Counteract that against the fact that even when childcare and commuting costs are subtracted, I’m still making a ‘profit’ of around £1000, I’m paying into my pension and also should something awful happen to me, dc and dh will have a payout which will help mitigate some of the awfulness, and I’m also hopefully doing something positive with the children I work with, as well as own child when I’m not at work!

I suppose I’m just surprised at how many posts seem to assume work, even part time work, is something nearly impossible to manage without an army of cleaners and family help!

I suppose I’m just surprised at how many posts seem to assume work, even part time work, is something nearly impossible to manage without an army of cleaners and family help!

Me too. It doesn't reflect my world (where nearly all women work) at all; most people make it work! It reminds me a bit of the SAHMs of school-age children who say they 'couldn't work because they don't have time', or even the many posters who say they 'couldn't' have worked when theirs were little because they'd have missed them too much; I think most of those posters would find they could, if they had to, they mean they don't want to. Juggling work, a commute and one baby isn't always easy but nor is it one of the labours of Hercules, an impossible feat to be attempted by no mortal.

And you might be lucky and the baby's ill days might fall when husband isn't away. The worst case scenario is you end up having to resign. But by then you might have been able to show your worth as an employee and be able to negotiate for some flexibility.

Surely the overseas travel won't start again yet anyway, what with Covid? I would expect it to be 3 months absolute minimum and more like 6 months before his normal schedule could resume. What have his work said about how long they expect the wfh to continue?

What about looking at a nanny rather then nursery?

Or employing a childminder in your house?

Yes, but I’m on maternity leave myself at the moment anyway, so it doesn’t make any difference.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

People saying dh needs to limit his travel ... he can’t. That’s not how it works. It’s like saying to a surgeon they need to limit their time in the operating theatre, or to a vet to limit the time with animals

It’s a great job, it’s very well paid and flexible except when he is working away.

My line of work is in education. So term time only, three days a week. Let’s say DH is away for fourteen weeks of the year and none of those weeks are in school holidays.

That’s forty two days in which our baby could fall ill, need picking up, and have to wait an hour.

Counteract that against the fact that even when childcare and commuting costs are subtracted, I’m still making a ‘profit’ of around £1000, I’m paying into my pension and also should something awful happen to me, dc and dh will have a payout which will help mitigate some of the awfulness, and I’m also hopefully doing something positive with the children I work with, as well as own child when I’m not at work!

I suppose I’m just surprised at how many posts seem to assume work, even part time work, is something nearly impossible to manage without an army of cleaners and family help!

I don’t think people are ‘assuming’ work (even part time) is difficult without help, they’ve actually lived it.

We have no local family support. I work part time in a relatively easy 45k(ish) job (just about covers nursery plus school wrap around) and my DH has the significantly more challenging job that pays the bills.
We have a cleaner, garden help and the usual online shop etc to make life easier. We’re planning to get a nanny when our commute starts up again next year (both work in London but live outside). It’s honestly a bit of a slog at times and DH is a 50/50 parent who takes responsibility properly. I wouldn’t make the assumption that you’ll manage better than the rest of us when you haven’t done it yet.

If you don't want to be a SAHM don't do it. If you want to work part time do that. If you want to work full time (which is what i would recommend everyone to do) do that.

Apply for whichever jobs you like, and make sure you know what you will do about nursery, school, illness and so on. You need to acknowledge that if your DH is in Asia, sick pick ups will be on you. But he should not assume that if he's not in Asia you won't be the default parent that does that.

I worked full time in a full-on job with international travel, a childminder and kindergarten/school. DH and I weren't competitive in a "i did the last child sick-day it's your turn" kind of way, we were sensible. If i was in Asia (as i often was) and he was doing shift work, my mum came to stay for the week. If it was month-end closing there was no way i would ever leave the office on time for anything so he was on duty for that, and if neither of us could the childminder stepped in.

It cost us a fortune in the early years - but the benefits outweighed that. I have full pension contributions, i haven't had to miss out on promotions (although despite years of hard work i have often had to fight my corner on that), i have had outside interactions which is good for my mental health. We are a very good team in terms of housework and hobbies though. Which is surprising because we have never actually ever sat down to discuss this.

Agree with shenanigans. Lived experience here too, and no, once I'd collected DS from after school club, there was no time in the evening for anything other than DS stuff- dinner, homework, bedtime etc., and weekends could quite easily be eaten into with DS stuff- football, parties etc.
If you add cleaning, shopping, gardening in it's entirely doable but with zero time left for anything else you might want to do.

I worked full-time from 6 months for about a year and a half, then have been working part-time since; maybe it's because part-time (I work four days a week and so does DH) feels so nice compared to full but I just don't recognise these descriptions of it as unbearable misery... I'm expecting it to be much harder with two (I'm due no. 2 quite soon) but I really don't think it's some impossible task with one, especially if you have some time off during the week.

I suppose I’m just surprised at how many posts seem to assume work, even part time work, is something nearly impossible to manage without an army of cleaners and family help!

I think people are just sharing their experiences of it. I found working PT with a baby and long commute really hard when DH was away. I don’t regret it, but I’m also very glad I took a short career break when DD was a toddler, so I had some time to focus on her without the stress of work, commuting, nursery pick ups, asking work for time off every time she had a bug etc.

She’s at school now, I’m back to FT (locally thank god) but it’s still a struggle at times eg needing to tag team with DH to cover holidays and half terms, booking holiday clubs, taking time off at short notice when she’s ill or if school closes suddenly.

It’s do-able but I wouldn’t say it’s easy!

My husband wouldn’t mind me working in school hours

if my husband ever gave me the impression he thought like this i would be making it Very Clear indeed that he could go fuck himself.

As for those evil humourless, hatchet-faced, bra-burning feminists having made things worse for women - you can all get in the sea with that. When women are running all the FT100 companies, governments and all the rest of it, then you might have a point (and even then, you won't)

What we need is more men to step up and be the SAHP for a bit. Mine did and it was brilliant.

hardbackwriter I agree that both parents part time and one child would feel pretty relaxed (it most likely would for us I think although we’ve never been in that position).
I think the tipping point is as described by a poster up thread- when both the evenings and all weekends are needed for child related admin- taxi-ing to hobbies, parties, play dates etc and catching up on essential jobs like washing, batch cooking. Especially if there’s more than one child.

Go for it! You can always review after 6 months to see if it's working for you as a family. If the baby gets ill at nursery, it will be very easy for your husband to collect him as he is working from home.

Re: costs, I notice that you say you will be 'in profit' but nursery isn't your personal expense, it's a family expense. Your contribution to that expense should be 50%, if you see what I mean. It's subtracted from total family income as both parents are responsible for the costs associated with having a child.

That sounds like you're talking about older children and that may well be much tougher, I can only talk for having a preschooler, but in that case is the advice that OP never works again? And part-time with one baby is exactly the situation OP asked about and that people keep telling her is impossibly hard and, like her, I'm a bit baffled as to why. As I said, I worked full-time for quite a while when I first went back after having a baby and so did DH; we both went part-time at the same time (which gives us the same time with a parent at home overall as OP would have) and there was a reason we did it and it's loads nicer but life wasn't unliveable before... I think working three days a week with one child is pretty middle of the road in terms of stress and effort so don't know why people are trying to persuade OP that even giving it a go is unrealistically optimistic.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

People saying dh needs to limit his travel ... he can’t. That’s not how it works. It’s like saying to a surgeon they need to limit their time in the operating theatre, or to a vet to limit the time with animals

It’s a great job, it’s very well paid and flexible except when he is working away.

My line of work is in education. So term time only, three days a week. Let’s say DH is away for fourteen weeks of the year and none of those weeks are in school holidays.

That’s forty two days in which our baby could fall ill, need picking up, and have to wait an hour.

Counteract that against the fact that even when childcare and commuting costs are subtracted, I’m still making a ‘profit’ of around £1000, I’m paying into my pension and also should something awful happen to me, dc and dh will have a payout which will help mitigate some of the awfulness, and I’m also hopefully doing something positive with the children I work with, as well as own child when I’m not at work!

I suppose I’m just surprised at how many posts seem to assume work, even part time work, is something nearly impossible to manage without an army of cleaners and family help!

Honestly, this sounds like a great set up and I would go for it! You’ll be fine! And permanent three days a week for a few years (esp if you’re considering having another dc) would be great).

Make sure you are both sharing money and assets (as clearly if he’s frequently away you WILL be picking up the can for him) and maybe get a sipp set up for yourself too to equalise pension savings etc.

Totally hear you on the travelling front and have benefitted hugely myself from DH’s lucrative travelling job so the pain was worth it. He’s also extremely supportive of me and what I want to do, pulls his weight when at home (although there were a couple of rows along the way to kick him into touch and out of ‘five star hotel in geneva mode’ but we very successfully got there.