I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

so as long as everyone is doing what they want that is most important happy parents tends to mean happy children

Amen to that!

Please ensure that when he's working out the financials it includes provision for YOUR pension.
Being a sahm is great when you're a team. But please make sure you are protected and have a really good understanding of what divorce courts would award you ie not v much.
I'm getting divorced and I was always aware of what the financial "risk" was of being a sahm. So it's not been so much of a shock. But there are so many to whom it comes as a complete surprise.

Over the years, both DH and I have had roles involving a lot of travel. Luckily, not usually at the same time.

I went back to work once mat leave finished, and DD went to creche in the city centre near our offices (still a 25 minute walk away). If she went to one near home, it would have been 60 minutes on average (depending on whether I was driving, public transport or DH was cycling - he could do faster than me!) to get to her.

DH was still doing a LOT of travel in those years, on average at least 2 overnight trips to the UK from Ireland a month (so not available for childcare purposes on at least 2 days in that week for each trip). I just got on with it in his absence. Organisation was key in our house (and still is).

In fact, he ended up spending 2 consecutive weeks away and 2 weeks at home (but still potentially having UK trips in that fortnight) when DD was in early primary school, for 4 years, when the last recession hit. We had an au pair for 3 years (well, a series of au pairs as most only wanted to do 6 months, 1 stayed a year) in that period, and I managed with a local lady coming for an hour every morning to get DD to school for the last year.

DD still had plenty of time with us, and doing fun stuff. Life wasn't as hectic as now (combination of work, teenage years and extra activities, and I have gone back to Scouting as a leader as well).

There were no family locally to help out. Most people in my work were in the same boat, and paid for childcare. Very few gave up work after DCs, some went part time for a few years, but 95% came back after mat leave.

My husband wouldn’t mind me working in school hours. But feels he works hard. So I don’t have too. I found this odd at first. But in the end it’s been a life saver. I educate at hone. So it’s been brilliant.

I had no family childcare for emergencies, and chose to be SAHM when DC were small. It was so much easier and less stressful than working out logistics of paid childcare. And I enjoyed the time spent with DC when they were little.

For us, in our circumstances, it was the right choice.

Because it’s not just about the net cost of childcare. Of course it’s easier if there’s 1 SAHP, but it comes at a cost. If you’re not going to work, will you go back once DC starts school? 4/5 years’ gap on your CV. The jobs that are available are limited and will probably be at a lower level than you may be used to (TA instead of teacher, Adam assistant instead of manager etc). You are putting your career on hold and while he’s travelling the world doing work you’re at home doing washing and scraping Weetabix off the floor. I know which one I would find more fulfilling! I stayed at home with my DC until they started school, had a couple of jobs when they were at nursery and am now lucky to have a school time part-time job I’m massively over qualified for. I loved looking after DC but it can be tedious and because of my age, I’m not going to be able to get to the same career level my DH is at before I retire 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d love to have a job where I feel like I’m contributing something. If you can get a part time job you’d like that gives you a chance at a career then take it! Doesn’t matter that there’s only “a bit” left after nursery fees because working is about so much more than money. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your career/personal fulfilment for his career or to make his life a bit easier.

I have 3 kids and have always worked .
My husband has always been supportive , hands on and as my work covers unusual hours has always done childcare very competently .
Whatever our income has been it has always gone in one pot ,it has always been an equal marriage .
However , over the years since becoming a working mother it has been really hard at times juggling logistics between us and i think if you get the option to be a sahp it can be a good thing for a family .
I love my job , but my family has always been my priority ,i am a feminist and i'm sure some will disagree but i think work and motherhood don't mix that well, most of my female colleagues think the same.
If i had my time again and could choose i would stay home , its bloody hard work , but its also a precious time.

Thanks for the replies, even the slightly snarky one.

To answer some questions - it’s the nature of DHs role that some travel is involved. That’s just how it is. I don’t see it as not caring for his child, earning money that ultimately pays for the mortgage which houses his child is parenting his child. Putting money into savings that will one day send his child through university is parenting his child. There are different ways of parenting. He will drop off and pick up - but if he isn’t here it falls on me. That’s all it is.

I haven’t had my baby yet: this job starts in a few months.

I do understand people saying it is hard to work with small children, and no support from family but really what is the alternative? To not work at all for however many years might well mean breaking back into the job market in terms of recent references and experience is difficult. In any event, I will have four days out of seven with my baby: it’s not as if i won’t have any time at all to be a Mum. And those things I mentioned above - baby’s future and security in terms of mortgage and so on - matter and I’d like to contribute. That’s another consideration: if (god forbid) something happened to me while I work my baby and spouse are entitled to a payout. It won’t replace a mum but at least I know it’s something.

To be honest at home we have things that mean life isn’t arduous. This is thanks to DH. I have discovered the joys of dishwashers and little light hoovers that make housework so easy

It’s just finding a job, now ...

Personally i wouldn’t take a job with a 40-min commute if I had a baby. Babies catch all sorts of bugs at nursery so one of you has to be on call to pick baby up at short notice. That would always fall to him if you’re nearly an hour away!

Presume he’s the main earner as you’re not currently working and don’t need to?

I’d look for local jobs or wfh jobs until baby is older and has a better immune system.

And I’d still try to find local work or all the pressure of unexpected pick ups falls on your DH.

My line of work doesn’t lend itself to WFH. Plus, both of us wfh might be a bad combination!

DH earns more than I did but my income wasn’t insignificant either. When I was full time I was on around £50,000. That would reduce to around £35,000 with part time, but the reduction would be because I wouldn’t have quite as many responsibilities. It would still mean we had a ‘profit’ in terms of childcare fees (I know they come out or both salaries but of course you still are working at a loss if the childcare fees are more than one persons pay.)

@ThePlantsitter

I didn't know you knew my DH

It's not that you SHOULDN'T work, but you need to be realistic. I work!

Nursery was a piece of cake. I think they only closed for Easter and 2 or 3 days around Christmas, and I could pay for early drop off and late pick-up.

School on the other hand is less fun. Of course you make it work, but for me, it would have been a struggle without my sisters. I also employed au-pairs.

If you take your job seriously, it doesn't matter if you are the mum or the dad, you can't just drop everything and take constant sick leave, or time off every time a child is sick. Some jobs are quite flexible, but others not so much.

Oh well it sounds like you definitely want to work. So you should. Part time if poss and full time if not (as opposed to part time if poss and not at all if not).

I sympathise with your DH's anxiety but your career and more importantly desire to work cannot be sacrificed to them.

PicaK Totally agree.I have read to many threads on here about SAHM suddenly finding themselves dumped for OW without any safeguards, and trying to find a job in there 50s. Assuming they will get some kind of maintenance or they can stay in the family home. My view is always a little skewed as I come from divorced parents and watched my mother struggle financially. So I have always worked, have a good pension. Sounds like your keen to keep working so do so. I have the luxury of WFH and had flexibility in previous roles so managed pretty well when the DC were young.

Millions of people manage without nearby family-in just this situation.

Go for the job!

Bring a SAHM is a lot about fitting the housework around the kids anyway.

Your job isn’t negotiable if his isn’t either...

Babies catch all sorts of bugs at nursery so one of you has to be on call to pick baby up at short notice

Who says the baby has to be at a nursery? My DD went to a childminder who lived on the doorstep. I don’t think I ever had to pick her up because of illness.

I know they come out or both salaries but of course you still are working at a loss if the childcare fees are more than one persons pay

That’s a very short term view. Full time child care is only for a very short time out of a ? 48 year working lifetime. If you become a SAHP you adversely affect your lifetime earnings, career prospects, promotion and pension.

You need to evaluate the long term costs and set them off against 50% of full time childcare costs for a few years.

It’s exactly the same as going to university. You lose a few years earnings and come out with a debt. But you gain in the long term by getting a better paid more secure and more rewarding job ( generally speaking ) . Most people think it’s worth it.

Becoming a SAHP means that one parent gives up work to benefit the others career, so one parent gets all the benefits ( or having full time staff at home to service their needs ) and one parent pays all the costs and bears all the risk. Many couples feel this is unfair.

Mothers who do this are also risking their child’s financial security as when you split up, the children almost always stay with the mother and she is almost always poorer. Many many fathers do not pay reasonable child support.

And it’s total madness to do so if you have no legal contact in place to share assets, house, pension etc .

Can you get a nursery near your work?

If I got a nursery near to my work, DH wouldn’t be able to do any pick ups or drop offs, which would be a shame as his work is more flexible than mine. It’s a possibility.

I think you might have misread my post connie

Babies catch all sorts of bugs at nursery so one of you has to be on call to pick baby up at short notice

DS1 Yip regularly needed picked up.
DS2 Been in nursery 3 years. I think he's been picked up about 4 times because of illness and two of those end up as hospital stays. Actually I think he's been picked up because of snow more than illness.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

He has very valid points. My DH works away normally too and had we stayed at our last place with no family support, it would have taken me at least 2 hrs to get home in the event of an emergency at nursery. That’s why we moved closer to family - so I could rely on someone who works locally to pick them up.

So if you hadn’t been able to do that, what would you have done?

Worst case scenario, baby is unwell, baby needs to wait an hour. Ideal perhaps not but not something that imo is worth not working at all for the next decade in case it happens.

Sounds like he does not want the hassle of the pick ups/ drop offs! He realises this will mainly be on him as his job is more flexible. That's not a good enough reason for you to stay home if you don't want to.

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Both parents created the child, both parents are equally responsible for the care of said child.

Why in 2020 are women having to consider giving up their job, going part time and damaging their career etc because it's too hard for their male partner to accept he needs to step up too?