I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

Your h job can’t change, but if the childcare is covered by both parents then it means having a baby will be far less detrimental to your career.

You do need to push back on this.

If you hate it, then you can revisit it.

For now your h won’t be travelling - probably not til 2022 - and that’s a lot of time to evaluate

Re: costs, I notice that you say you will be 'in profit' but nursery isn't your personal expense, it's a family expense. Your contribution to that expense should be 50%, if you see what I mean. It's subtracted from total family income as both parents are responsible for the costs associated with having a child.

Absolutely this.

I have managed to work with 3 kids, two who are disabled, no access to paid childcare for a few years (dh and I took out annual leave separately for 5 years) no family help and couldn't afford a cleaner.

Once or twice a week my eldest son's school called me at work to come over to pick him up or sort out a bit of medical equipment he needs to stay alive.

It was fucking chaos most of the time and eventually I got forced out by my employer but I did it for 10 years and am glad to have 10 years worth of a good pension banked.

Even now I am working - I retrained (myself via YouTube) and set up a small upholstery business.

Being a SAHM is a choice and I have nothing against it but I wanted to work and have managed too for the last 13 years of being a parent.

A SAHP always sounds like the best option for a working spouse. You can focus entirely on your job knowing that barring illness or caring commitments your spouse will be around to pick up the slack for childcare runs, sudden illnesses etc.
He will get used to you working, you both will and you will make it work.

Childcare is expensive - if he were paying you to be a sahp/housekeeper it would be a lot more expensive. It just looks like a family saving right now. What happens to you in 10+yrs - you will have no skills, no pension and be entirely dependent on him.

I'd love to be a sahm (grass is always greener) but a) I'd be terrible at it and b) I can't bring myself to be that dependent.

Op having little support around is hard. Doubly hard if you have a second child. I strongly advise that you pour some energy into building a support network.

Not so much for regular childcare but for the days when shit happens, your ill, held up in traffic or one child needs emergency treatment and you're other is in school.
Don't ask me why but a disproportionate amount of those times DH has been away on business. Being able to call on someone and get them to deal with the other child totally takes the pressure off what's an already stressful situation.

If you don't have to worry about school holidays then I would definitely be returning to work!

The whole ‘but what about your pension’ thing irks me, but in many ways it is a good bellwether. It is perfectly easy to set up your own pension (SIPP) and pay into it - the government will even top it up if you’re not earning up to a certain amount. If you do it through a low-cost provider like vanguard, you’re likely to get much better returns in any case, although of course you’re not benefiting from those lush employer contributions.

The point is, if as a potential SAHM you can’t say ‘Dearest DH, I’m concerned about my missed pension contributions if I sah, it’s a priority for me and our family finances that we contribute to a sipp for me,’ then you definitely have problems and shouldn’t stay at home. Even though in a divorce you’ll likely be entitled to an evening up of his.

Also, if you don’t have shared finances, or know where the cash/investments/savings all are, or how much as a family you can save, or your names not on the house.

If you have the kind of relationship where you can comfortably have these discussions, and are able to contribute something, anything towards savings for yourself, then you can feel much more secure staying at home or going part time.

spit

there are a lot of ifs in your post. Unfortunately, this is not how many marriages involving a Sahm turn out. You just have to have a look at the relationship board.

Well than maybe more SAHM should be demanding it! Ffs will you not be happy unless all sahm are broke, single and facing penury going ‘if only id gone back to my job?’

If your husband wants you to be a sahm there should be absolutely nothing weird, wrong or out of the ordinary with women knowing exactly what they can do to protect themselves and laying it out as the condition of them taking time out of work.

spit, I agree with you. 100% but the reality is sadly very different.

Well then maybe we should all be coming together to try and change that and not making negative comments to people trying to suggest the many options available to women to protect themselves.

If we made taking time out, doing part time work or dialling back career progression temporarily more safe, secure and protected for BOTH sexes, then maybe men might be tempted to do it sometimes.