I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

@PicsInRed

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Because men all talk the liberal talk before kids... then do whatever the fuck they want to the agreement and applause of their peers as soon as kids have arrived - and Mum finds herself standing there holding the baby. Men. That's why.

This. And this again.

I don't think there should be a pros and cons of staying at home list if you want to go to work. It should have one thing on it: cons - I don't want to.

I'm not disputing is hard to work and have small kids but as someone who stayed at home with mine it is hard and boring and isn't an investment in your own future. If it's what you want to do and you consider it an investment in your children, fine and good. If it isn't, don't do it! Don't. It is VERY hard to get back into work. Not just because of the gap in your CV but because you have to retrain the whole family as to who is the default parent and housekeeper.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

I think I will take my chances in my not-London, not 60 minute commute and no known health problems with my baby.

Of course, should we move to London and the baby develop health conditions which mean imminent trips to ICU are likely, we would revise.

You asked for advice and as a working parent who commutes daily I gave you that advice. Remember that I have work experience and have managed a home, 2 kids, and working full time for longer than you before you get mouthy.

No, I asked for relationship advice.

You have no idea how old I am and you have no idea what else I have done.

Do not tell another adult not to get ‘mouthy.’

Your responses are ridiculous. I am sorry, but they are. It is as if you are answering another poster who lives in London, is planning on working an hour or more away, and doesn’t have access to a car. None of those apply to me.

You have nothing to lose by trying it, I struggle with the organisational aspect sometimes however I function much better with some work & am often far more productive on those days too re life admin.

One thing that helps DH is pretty hands on eg he's done 90% of the drop offs/pick ups since covid wfh.

believe me you will not keep a job for long if you keep having to go home when the baby is sick because your DH is in a different part of the country

I actually don't know anyone male or female who has been penalised for having time off to care for sick dc. If it was a weekly occurrence then perhaps but I wouldn't say it's common for dc to be that ill.

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis good user name, me too 😭.

One thing my company do is 3 personal days which is great for emergencies be it childcare, boiler etc.

@PicsInRed

My initial thought is why the fuck are women still having this debate?

Because men all talk the liberal talk before kids... then do whatever the fuck they want to the agreement and applause of their peers as soon as kids have arrived - and Mum finds herself standing there holding the baby. Men. That's why.

This is SO TRUE. It makes me so fucking angry.

Hi OP I work 3 days a week and baby and toddler are in nursery while I work. Similar to you my OH works abroad in non-covid times anything up to 12 days of the month in Europe (usually over 2 trips). It’s not easy but you just have to be organised, I’m about 20 mins away from nursery and on the couple of occasions I have been called over the last 3 years I have left work and used emergency leave. Personally I couldn’t be a SAHP it wouldn’t suit me and my career would take a massive hit if I had any significant amount of time out (return to practice qualification, back at the bottom of pay scale etc). Nursery fees are high but it’s short term hit for long term gain in terms of career and my sanity 😂 we had some similar discussions in the past but a lot of my OH feelings were more around him overthinking things for when he was out of the country which is understandable when it relates to your family.

Meh. I was a stay at home mum for a bit (had a great business idea that didn’t work out!) then when dc2 was 14 months old I got offered a unicorn job of 30k for 2 days a week in london. Mega-travelling DH bent over backwards to facilitate me, even though his earnings dwarfed mine for all the usual reasons.

It was SO GREAT. I worked on a project I had no clue about but I just pretended I was a public school educated middleaged guy (ie bullshitted my way through with minimum knowledge/conscience and maximum confidence) and lo, they provideth free coffee and unlimited solo toilet breaks. Twas amazing.

The commute was hell though, almost two hours to pick one DC up at nursery, then the other at preschool then home... so we did the UNTHINKABLE...

YES.

I WAS A TRUE MUMSNETTER.

I GOT AN...

AU PAIR.

She only did wraparound care though (not fair to leave toddler all day with au pair I thought although she turned out to be Mary poppins crossed with supernanny). She was delighted as worked hardly any hours, I was delighted as she was ace, all was well. She basically picked the kids up and then took them home/to the park while I could relax on my epic bus journey home (and read improving literature, ie mumsnet). Also before someone crawls through the internet to crucify me, I used to be an au pair and therefore know the drill about how to make sure they have a nice and non-exploited time. I had three back to back in the end and we are all still chatting regularly years on. They were all AMAZING.

The end.

@Spitoutthebauble

Damn you were living the dream there! ( apart from the bit about the bus)

@Divebar I won’t lie to you, a seat on the bus both ways and 90 mins to zone out was bliss (once I had responsible, enthusiastic childcare sorted out). But don’t worry, the unicorn job was full of sexist twats and only lasted a few years - nothing is perfect!

My mum lived the dream, au pairs & no job 😆

@gongy

My mum lived the dream, au pairs & no job 😆

Ha! That may well be the dream! Au pairs are so great, although I do think there is no such thing as a free lunch and you need to pit the hours in of emotional support and making sure they are having a really nice time! And set hours! And not too many of them (before the pitch forkbrigade turn up. Although all three of the au pairs that worked with us had truly horrific stories of previous/post exploitation, one from a sahm... I also had a rubbish time myself).

@Spitoutthebauble I love your honesty on the unicorn job. I have an au pair who is great, but I'm just shattered by work. Probably because I'm surrounded by middle aged public school bullshitters. Both of us work ft and mine are in school so I'd love to just have a break and do her job instead (school runs and some nagging). I tried doing part time but didnt enjoy being half hearted and constantly switching modes. Really nothing is perfect. Do you still work?

Could you plan over time to move closer to work if you get the job. It sounds as if your husband is either wfh or abroad so he could live anywhere. Yes he might not like to but if you throw that in there as an option and if you are not likely to be able to gain equivalent work nearby it is worth considering.

Babies catch all sorts of bugs at nursery so one of you has to be on call to pick baby up at short notice

Nurseries are well used to the fact that many if not most of the parents of their charges don't work around the corner and may take some time to come and pick up a poorly child. They have systems in place to deal with that.

@beaverandbutthead however woman need to cotton on that they cant assume giving up a career or full time employment provides them with the same safeguards as you may have had 20 yrs ago.

There were NO better safeguards 20 years ago. None. Giving up a career 20 years ago was just the same risk. Name ONE better safeguard that SAHM had 20 years ago

(before the bra burners - which were more like 50 years ago)

I agree SAHM should have more respect and acknowledgement of their contribution and reinforcement of their situation but thinking feminism has created the lack of respect ...come on, we all know it isn't women who are responsible for this.

It’s a tough one. When both of my two started at nursery we had several months of constant nursery bugs as they weren’t used to the level of exposure. Even this year with covid- smaller bubbles and better hygiene practise we’ve needed to collect my DS several times. My DD is older and her immune system is much more resilient now she’s 4 but we had the same with her for the first year at childcare.

Incidentally both of my kids have ended up in A&E with various things- one needed to go straight from nursery. And nursery have needed to call an ambulance for other kids on occasion (bad injury, anaphylaxis etc) although I agree it’s a small risk and for us, one worth taking.

Had I not had my DH sharing the load, and an understanding manager it’d have been much harder.
Starting a new job usually means demonstrating your commitment and competency in a probationary period so it’s not as easy to nip off and collect a sick child.
My DH has always (rightly) viewed the children as a shared responsibility. I probably do a bit more than 50% of the nursery runs and ‘collect when sick’ runs but I work PT and have a lower stress role. But even with a relatively easy middle management job I couldn’t do it all myself.

I couldn’t be a SAHM. I find it too boring and frustrating just looking after the kids so I totally get wanting to work but from a practical point of view your DH needs to commit to sharing the parenting of his child and support you.

Overthinking my arse, you being a SAHM is convenient for him.

‘but over time they grow up and go to school and it becomes easier’

It absolutely doesn't. It gets worse. 14 weeks holiday to cover. Wrap around care, inset days, teacher strikes, sickness, sports day, assemblies...it's a nightmare

I agree.
If you’re husband’s job requires him to travel abroad a lot, much of the emergency pick ups and childcare and parent attendance stuff will fall to you. And believe me nurseries, childminders, schools and wraparound care don’t take kindly to you saying ‘I’ll be there in under an hour’ (traffic permitting) when your child is vomiting or has split their head open in the playground or suddenly comes down with covid symptoms! (I know because I used to have a similar commute, husband worked away a lot, it was a nightmare!)

I think it’s unfair to expect your husband to be constantly ‘on call’ to childcare when he’s wfh. Unless the 40-minute commute job is a stepping stone and you’re likely to find a local job in a year or so. Or if you can afford a nanny that would solve the problem.

I get wanting to keep your career and work (I kept mine despite a year of mat leave and a short career break, slight change of field) but you also make sacrifices when you have a baby.

Who knows how you’ll feel when baby arrives? Some women can’t stand the thought of leaving their baby in childcare. Others (like me) can’t wait to get back to work.

It doesn’t sound like your DH wants you to be a SAHM, more he doesn’t want to lumbered with all the drop offs, pick ups and emergency pick ups because you’re working a long commute away. I think you need to find a way of sharing these or resentment builds on both sides.

Nurseries are well used to the fact that many if not most of the parents of their charges don't work around the corner and may take some time to come and pick up a poorly child. They have systems in place to deal with that

Sorry but I disagree. My kids attended 4 different nurseries in total, and even the nicest nursery was not happy about looking after my vomiting child for nearly an hour while I made my way home through traffic to pick her up. In that 50 minutes she was putting staff and kids at risk of Norovirus. A few times I was called to pick up child with a bumped head, again they were not happy as one member of staff had to sit with child constantly assessing them for signs of concussion. And on 1 occasion DD split her head open falling off a step, blood everywhere, if my DH hadn’t been nearby at the time to whisk her to A&E nursery would’ve had to call an ambulance!

Part time sounds like a great compromise. You keep your foot on the career ladder and you get spend more time with your family.

The same women berating you for commuting to a job will also berate you when your marriage fails and you are financially destitute "oh you should kept working!"

Ignore them. Do what right for your family.

Take the full-time job with commute.
You may find that his job doesn't have as much travel in future, as people got used to using zoom. He may continue to WFH more.
Take the full time job. You won't ever regret having earning potential, a pension, up to date skills and adult company.

even the nicest nursery was not happy about looking after my vomiting child for nearly an hour while I made my way home through traffic to pick her up. In that 50 minutes she was putting staff and kids at risk of Norovirus

They may have been a nice nursery, but they weren't an efficient nursery. Any nursery ownera who think all their charges' parents work 10 minutes away are deluding themselves.

Assume OP’s H has work options that would involve less travel! He’s a parent too.

When we had DC we agreed we’d both minimise work travel.

OP’s H seemingly wants to continue to be a ‘facilitated man’, to OP’s direct detriment.