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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DH wants me to be a sahm

213 replies

Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis · 11/12/2020 14:26

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 11/12/2020 15:40

He will need to step up when he is wfh so that your employer doesn't get peed off with you having to be off with the children every time.

napody · 11/12/2020 15:40

He's not overthinking at all. If anything he is under thinking. Hes getting used to not really having to think about family life at all, and the mental load falling to you. He's certainly not thinking about your long term career prospects and job satisfaction.

picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 15:40

Apply for the job.

As time goes on, if he starts travelling again and things get hard to manage, stop or find something else.

Don't be dependent on him.

picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 15:41

Maybe he needs to plan his overseas work so that it fits with your part time work. The way you are thinking about planning yours.

picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 15:41

He's basically saying 'but you can't work, you need to look after the baby, I'm too busy doing a man job.'

jessstan1 · 11/12/2020 15:47

@Embracelife

Just get paid back up childcare Live in au pair to do pick ups Pay from joint income
I agree with that. I think if you want to work part time, you should work towards that.

However, despite seeing a job advertisement for something you believe would suit you, maybe right now is not the time to be going into employment. Nurseries close, send children home to be isolated and back up child care may also be in the same boat with this blooming virus.

There will be other jobs popping up when things are more settled.

Good luck.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/12/2020 15:47

I wouldn’t be a sahm, the country’s full of women held back because they’ve found themselves Lomé parents with no work history.

C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 15:48

@BoogieFeet

Hmm..his job sounds more incompatible than yours regarding emergency childcare given all the travelling away. Maybe he should be concerned about that instead!
I agree. Maybe he needs to think about changing jobs to one that is more compatible with being the parent of a young child. Doesn't he care that his child might be ill at nursery and he’s not able to pick him up quickly?

He needs to think about putting his child’s welfare before his career.

Regularsizedrudy · 11/12/2020 15:49

Ask him

Lucked · 11/12/2020 15:52

For me it was simple I wanted to work. I didn’t think about it beyond that.

The other option is a nursery closer to your work rather than one at home or halfway.

crosstalk · 11/12/2020 15:53

Yes OP, agree with bikingbear - don't know enough about your work or commute or any childcare that may or may not be available to be able to comment. When your DH is away it will be down to you but you certainly need to put to him some of the points made on here. And childcare comes out of the joint pot.

Brainwave89 · 11/12/2020 15:59

I would go for the job, even if you lose money in the short term, longer term it would be worth while. Learning point from many of my friends is that all sorts of things can change as you get older and you always need the security of knowing you can support yourself and your kids.

Viviennemary · 11/12/2020 16:01

I don't think he is over thinking it at all. If he is working from home then the nursery will call him first. Who is going to do the drop offs and pick ups. This all needs to be discussed. I think a part time job to begin with would be better. But full time should be manageable with only one child to worry about.

formerbabe · 11/12/2020 16:03

I think you should go for the job but I will say, because I've done it, working and not having any family support is fucking hard. I remember one week where my trains were mucked up every day, I had a mad rush involving buses/cabs to pick my dc up from child minders and kids are always unwell on the worst possible day. Don't underestimate how shit it will be.

Sanchi · 11/12/2020 16:04

When he is WFH chances are he will do drop offs and pick ups. But obviously if he is in Asia or Spain or Poland, he can’t do that.

or maybe he will not be able to travel at all of the baby gets ill before his departure.

All these men who think they can check out of parenting and parental responsibility (yes, looking after an ill child is part of being a parent and it not something you kick over the fence to your wife time and time again)... and women making excuses for their DH's.

OP, you haven't even started a job and already accepted that the poorly baby responsibility will fall mainly on you. Do yourself a favour and don't become the default parent!

YoniAndGuy · 11/12/2020 16:07

'If you don't feel that you can carry on working full time if I start a part-time job because of potential child care issues, then we have to discuss that.'

You won't hear another word!

sashagabadon · 11/12/2020 16:08

Apply for the job. If he’s working from home then he can be the nursery contact , and when he’s not, you can be. I had about 8 years full time working with a child in nursery and only got called twice in that time to pick up early. Might be luck of course but it wasn’t a common occurrence at all.
Rarely got called during the primary school years and never in the secondary school years. And I have 15 years of salary and pension contributions that I would not have had if I had not kept working in case I ever had to leave work to pick up early.
Good luck!

dreamingofsun · 11/12/2020 16:14

my husband was away during the week normally and i worked from home, but often had to travel 3 plus hours from home. we had no relatives locally. we had a nanny till the kids went to school and then used childminders.

there was only 1 instance i can remember that caused an issue and that was because i had left my mobile at home.

I would strongly suggest trying the job, assuming you get it. You might find they like you and are therefore quite flexible. also as someone else says its good not to be reliant on your husband financially - i really have valued this despite us have a happy marriage.

Balancing work and kids is stressful, especially without family locally. I used to clock watch a lot in meetings/on trains

whose job takes priority should be what works best for your family. In ours it was my husband's as he earnt a lot more than me (mine was still managerial but i stayed pretty junior so i could conc on family)

Coyoacan · 11/12/2020 16:18

Personally I would have paid good money to not be stuck at home minding my child 24/7 and I was fortunate enough to find part-time jobs. But I have huge respect for SAHPs.

So, it is up to you, OP, and what you want.

If you do opt for being a SAHP, make sure that this money your dh earns is shared equally between the two of you, because you will be doing the harder job.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/12/2020 16:19

I think he is being selfish. Yes it's going to be harder on him when you go back to work. Not as hard as it is on you when he is away, I bet. And if you don't work, how are you both going to ensure that you keep your skills up to date, keep your pension contributions going, keep your earning potential up etc. You arent going to get a part time job close to home that gives you everything you want. And also why is he comparing the cost of nursery to just your wage, childcare costs are a family expense and should be shared how you share other bills. If he think it will be too hard with both parents working and no other support then maybe he should volunteer to change jobs/ drop his hours or something?

I say this by the way as someone who works 4 days, who's husband works away sometimes, and doesnt have family nearby.

CarnitasForAll · 11/12/2020 16:19

Dh will be honest and tell you he doesn't want me to work. Who in their right mind wants the monotony of housework, shopping, cooking, meal planning day after day? Nice if you do the stuff you like but lovely to be able to opt out of all that shit. Have you fallen into doing all of this because of not having a job right now?

It worked for us and like you now, it happened unexpectedly due to a relocation with Dh's job. We sat down and discussed it. We talked about expectations especially money plus we were TTC Dc number 2.

So the role of life admin (not his family's cards though Wink) ie nursery or school stuff, shopping etc fell to me and I was fine to take that on. My health has deteriorated so working even part time would be painful and exhausting.

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years. I have full access to all monies, don't explain any of my spending, have my own car, spent weekends away with friends etc. Dh has a job that cannot be dropped to collect a child from nursery/school, actual lives are a stake, like my friend's husband who is a paramedic. We have no family support locally. I have been the back up for friends when their childcare has fallen through or inset days.

No one knows what is round the corner but we are happy and it worked for us. My friend is also a long term SAHM too. Our husbands are very similar, plugged into family life, financially very generous, loving and caring.

I always think this is about expectations. What are his? You need an open and honest conversation about it. Because his job takes him out of the country on a regular basis over those periods the childcare will fall to you.

OhDear2200 · 11/12/2020 16:21

To repeat others, I would never put myself in a situation where I could not earn my own income. Go for the job. It’s a bloody nightmare at times, but over time they grow up and go to school and it becomes easier. My DH is thankful I’ve kept working as my public sector pension is far better than his rubbish private one so it’s in both our interests that he continue to work.

Unsure33 · 11/12/2020 16:24

@Fluffycloudland77

That is a bit of a generalisation. Not at all true in my case . As I now own my own company. As women we should respect the choice of individuals and be grateful when we have a choice .

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 16:25

@Sanchi
All these men who think they can check out of parenting and parental responsibility (yes, looking after an ill child is part of being a parent and it not something you kick over the fence to your wife time and time again)... and women making excuses for their DH's.

I am not sure if this is 100% fair, unless you are saying that women are trying to get out of their Financial responsibility by the same token.
If women are unfairly seen to be the caregivers than Men are the same in their role as financial earners. Sadly although some may buck the trend , there are many ppl who look down on those who do it differently, and I think the roles are imbedded in our consciousness (although hopefully as time goes on it is changing).

formerbabe · 11/12/2020 16:26

but over time they grow up and go to school and it becomes easier

It absolutely doesn't. It gets worse. 14 weeks holiday to cover. Wrap around care, inset days, teacher strikes, sickness, sports day, assemblies...it's a nightmare