Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DH wants me to be a sahm

213 replies

Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis · 11/12/2020 14:26

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 11/12/2020 14:53

Many men would prefer the mothers of their children to be SAHM. And contribute financially. And always have clean pants but not have to clean them themselves. I mean who wouldn't? So much more straightforward.

God I’d love to have a SAHP or househusband/wife to do all the dross that DH and I don’t want to do. I suppose a housekeeper would be the next best thing!

Original poster
Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis · 11/12/2020 14:54

I totally agree squirrels but just the same his job does take him all over the world.

When he is WFH chances are he will do drop offs and pick ups. But obviously if he is in Asia or Spain or Poland, he can’t do that.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 11/12/2020 14:55

If your child is sick, then one of you goes and gets them. It really is that simple. Hundreds of thousands of families do it every day. Tell him to stop worrying about it all!

TheABC · 11/12/2020 14:58

Apply for the job. Until you get an offer, it's theoretical anyway. When you do (positive thinking!), sit down together and commit to an equal hit on holiday/wages for childcare and sick days.

Otherwise, you will be at a permanent disadvantage.

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2020 15:00

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

I totally agree squirrels but just the same his job does take him all over the world.

When he is WFH chances are he will do drop offs and pick ups. But obviously if he is in Asia or Spain or Poland, he can’t do that.

Of course. But as long as you have chosen childcare that fits around the possibility, then it’s fine, isn’t it? I mean, if you took a job with hours based on your DH doing all the drop-offs or pick-ups then that would be short-sighted. But you’re not suggesting that, are you? It’s a slippery slope not to go for a job because it’s not ‘perfect’. Most jobs aren’t. But if they’re achievable and you could do it, just apply. He shouldn’t get to decide if you work or not, and it sounds like you’re factoring in his feelings too much.
MoreKnackeredThanYou · 11/12/2020 15:02

I’ve got two DC, who are now 6 and 3. I got a part-time job when my youngest was 18 months old, so she went to nursery (oldest was in Reception).

It was....ok. I felt I missed out a lot at work, I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do when I went back each time, and whilst I enjoyed being at home with my toddler she also loved nursery, and when the chance came up for me to be full-time in January this year I took it - she was about 2.5.

There has been twice since she started nursery when we’ve had to collect her as she’s been unwell. We also have no family locally, so we have to use nursery and breakfast/after school club. She’s happy there, I enjoy being full-time, we’ve been able to move to a bigger house and have had a bit more money. There were parts of being at home with her that I loved but I never wanted to be a SAHM - we spend all weekend together doing fun stuff and I never feel like I don’t see the DC.

ouchmyfeet · 11/12/2020 15:02

Hmm..his job sounds more incompatible than yours regarding emergency childcare given all the travelling away. Maybe he should be concerned about that instead!

This. He shouldn't be placing this all on you. He's showing you what he thinks your priority should be.

RedskyAtnight · 11/12/2020 15:02

Is he a worrier? He's basically asking exactly all the questions I would be asking myself in his position - which I know is because I'm risk averse and like to sort things out in my head. Doesn't mean that I think you going for the job is a bad idea; just that I want to think through what that might mean in terms of impact on the household. I think there's absolutely no harm in going through these things in advance. Better than getting the job and then realising there is no way you can get childcare that fits:)

Backbee · 11/12/2020 15:03

I do actually think it's good he has considered this, BUT if it's not what you want then you'll be able to make it work, and should be firm that you want to apply for jobs and get back to work. When DS was small I went back to work after maternity leave and DH worked away Monday to Friday every week, I had a commute of an hour each way and I did find it stressful in case he was poorly and needed picking up, but I was fortunate enough to have family around the corner from the childminder, and they could get him whilst I travelled back. I ultimately found something closer to home, less pay but I enjoy it, and even though he is home all of the time now and we share everything child related, I've stayed. I would apply for jobs tbh and see what happens.

WednesdayChilds · 11/12/2020 15:08

My advice is if you don't want to be sahm, then don't do it. I did it and regretted it and felt resentful about it. My partner turned financially abusive which obviously isn't a given for your relationship, but I hate that I let myself get in the position where I was so dependent on another person in that way. I wouldn't recommend it if you're already unsure about the sahm thing.

It doesn't mean you have to take this job, but it could mean keeping up the job search until you find something part time or a bit more suitable for your needs. Or it could mean something else. I think the biggest mistake I made was giving up on what I wanted so that he could get exactly what he wanted. There should be some form of compromise imo.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 11/12/2020 15:08

A 40 minute commute seems pretty easy to me, and the chances of your child getting ill at nursery on one of your working days when he is not at home are fairly limited. In any event, relatively few parents can drop everything and get to school or nursery within minutes if their child is unwell - when my children were small I was at least 30 minutes away, frequently more if traffic was bad or if I was out at a meeting or similar. It was never a problem.

TonMoulin · 11/12/2020 15:11

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

I know sanchi - believe me! And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

I think the sahm thing is for convenience really. And that has surprised me. To me, worst case scenario is DH working away, I get baby to nursery for 730, I am then off to work by 745, get there just before 830, and pick baby up around 4. It just seems really easy when I put it like that but DH has so many what ifs!

Maybe it’s anxiousness related to working away. I suppose if I in another country I’d maybe feel better knowing my child was with his Mum.

Is it a lot of what if’ when he is away, or is it a lot of ‘what if’ whilst he is working from home. And will Be expected to step up, pick up a child that is ill, cook dinner etc?
SkylightAndChandelier · 11/12/2020 15:12

DP travels. I freelance (and can take as much work as I can fit in to do) - we both earn well, although DP's earnings have taken off in the past couple of years, whereas mine have remained stagnant.

Being a SAHM mum would be much less stressful, I wouldn't be squeezing work calls in around the kids, I'd never have to get up in the middle of the night to sort out a work emergency and still have to get up and get the kids to school. I might actually have time to get to the gym, or do all the little tasks that need finishing off around the house.

BUT. It would also mean that there would be an expectation that I would be doing the washing, the cleaning etc. and I just don't want that. I want to be able to share that fairly, rather than spend my life folding pants and mopping up the dinner table. Somehow it feels different if I'm doing it because it needs to be done when he's travelling to doing it because I'm the SAHM and it's my job to do it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/12/2020 15:15

40min commute is a bit high for a part time job. I wouldn’t want to have an hour and a half round trip commute if only working for say 3hrs that day. Wouldn’t stop me from applying for the job though. I’d try and get my schedule to be 3 full 8hr days for example to minimise the impact of the commute.

The nursery can be close to where you or DH work if he’s worried about pick up time in the event if he child falling ill. It doesn’t have to be by your home.

If DH is not away, he should be available as often as you are to take time off to collect an ill child early. Also, it’s not automatic that you have to do all drop offs and pick ups. For us, I started work early so I did afternoon pick ups. DH started work later so he did the morning drop offs.

Indoctro · 11/12/2020 15:19

Personally working with small kids is a pain in the arse especially with no family help

That's my experience so I'm with your husband on this , just till you get free nursery then it gets less expensive

pallisers · 11/12/2020 15:20

We both travelled a bit for work when we had 3 children under 6. Those were fairly hectic years but we got through and had a lot of fun doing it - I remember those years as feeling really like a team.

Unsure33 · 11/12/2020 15:20

like everyone has said - what do you want to do?

I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home for 4 years and then get back into part time work then full time .

I loved being at home .

Hardest thing about going back to work was school holidays .

Its sensible to weigh up all the pros and cons ( not just financial) and then make a decision .

Indoctro · 11/12/2020 15:21

@Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis

I know sanchi - believe me! And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

I think the sahm thing is for convenience really. And that has surprised me. To me, worst case scenario is DH working away, I get baby to nursery for 730, I am then off to work by 745, get there just before 830, and pick baby up around 4. It just seems really easy when I put it like that but DH has so many what ifs!

Maybe it’s anxiousness related to working away. I suppose if I in another country I’d maybe feel better knowing my child was with his Mum.

If only it was that easy, constantly illnesses means days off. No time to do anything so basic things like washing clothes and chores become a pain because your out the house all day then looking after a kid when u get home

It is quite stressful

littleharissa · 11/12/2020 15:23

Have you thought about actually speaking to your husband?

As he seems to be capable of a conversation as he asked you perfectly relevant questions?

Alethiometrical · 11/12/2020 15:29

Like I say this isn’t an abusive man trying to coerce me into staying at home and losing all my independence

But you know, the effect might be the same? I mean, if you became a SAHM, you would be in danger of losing independence. YOu'll lose out on pension, earnings, experience, and promotion. When you come to re-enter the paid employment market, you'll face the prejudice & discrimination against women who've been out of the paid workforce (in addition to the standard discrimination all women experience).

Why is childcare YOUR responsibility? Ask him what arrangements he's making for childcare etc while he's working away. He thinks that things domestic & to do with children is your work.

Think about what's in it for him - free to do his work, travel away, be free of any domestic responsibility because, you know, he has a little wifey at hoe. Gosh, I'd love to have a stay at home wife to take away all the stresses of running a household.

Be very careful.

MrKlaw · 11/12/2020 15:30

what did you do before? You mention you have a child and you left your previous role - so presumably you had a child and were working before?

Whats different now?

SueEllenMishke · 11/12/2020 15:31

I think he's realised that his life will become harder if you start to work.

He has a job that isn't compatible with family life so maybe he needs to look at that.

Plenty of working families manage to juggle work and childcare. It's perfectly possible but both parents need to be on board and pull their weight .

Littlemissnutcracker · 11/12/2020 15:34

I would 10percent advise going for the job
I am in a very happy marriage but if tomorrow we split. I would have security and confidence in myself.
I do most of the childcare pick ups etc but it shouldn't all fall to you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 15:34

I can see what he wants , but I still am unsure what you want to do.
you say part time, but would that be in a certain type of work or just any work in general.
Do you need the money too?

It does seem to me that he expects you to be dealing with home matters whilst he is the main earner.
This is fine and does work for some, but you both have to agree - an if you dont , which it seems to be the case, than something else needs to be agreed.

Bikingbear · 11/12/2020 15:38

Op apply for the job and see what happens. I'm another firm believer that everyone should keep a hand in at work. Unless your a min wage worker then its important to keep skills upto date.

Re nursery, depending on your commute I'd consider a nursery near work. Is that 40mins sitting chilling on a train, that could become quality time or is it 40mins you'd rather have to chill?