I think DH wants me to be a sahm

[Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis]

Here is the situation, DH is working from home at the moment but normally travels and works away or not.

I am job hunting as we moved house, so I left my previous role. I was looking for something part time but these positions are quite rare.

There is no family childcare we could use.

I have seen a role with potential and I was discussing it with DH. He was obviously reluctant which surprised me. He was worried about the commute (about 40 mins which seems normal to me but then I suppose if you WFH any commute seems a lot) and what if he’s away and I’m at work and our baby is unwell at nursery.

He’s also commented about the costs of nursery although whilst it’s obviously expensive we’d still be working at a profit.

I don’t know really, has anyone experienced this? I have to stress here it 100% isn’t abuse. I just think he honestly is overthinking everything.

get baby to nursery for 730, I am then off to work by 745, get there just before 830, and pick baby up around 4. It just seems really easy when I put it like that but DH has so many what ifs

The first thing to decide is whether you want to be a SAHM. Some do, some don't. Your situation sounds as if you genuinely have a choice, so it is important for you to work out what you want.

Your plan sounds as if it will work fine when all is going to plan. The thing about plans though is that we know that it doesn't always happen like that.

I'm certainly not a worrier but I do think it is important to calmly consider what might go wrong and know what you would do in that event. I know I don't make very good decisions when I am under pressure so I would know what my plan wad in the case of illness, mine, DH's, the baby. Then if it happens you just do what you had decided and agreed when everything was calm.

baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

While this too is absolutely right, won't it depend on how often this situation arises?

As a one off or even annual event, I'm sure that everyone would accommodate you. How will it work if your baby has a run of illnesses? Right when you are at a crucial stage at work. Obviously it will depend on your role: we you aren't contribution they you don't get the credit for new initiatives. Your role might even become a little vulnerable.

What plans can you have in place for this situation?

If you do decide to become a SAHP then do make sure that financials are absolutely fair between you, you have have your own savings and pension etc. in your own name. That you also get some time and space to yourself and opportunity to get ready to rejoin the workforce.

There are no really wrong answers, good and bad things about whatever you do. The only mistake is to slide into being a SAHP without think (and talking) through all the scenarios and potential impacts. Not to be afraid, but to be ready, as a team, for whatever comes.

In your shoes, I'd apply for any job I fancies regardless. Plenty of time to decide what to do once you have been offered the job. No applying incase you get it will reduce your options considerably.

Good luck

[quote Unsure33]@Fluffycloudland77

That is a bit of a generalisation. Not at all true in my case . As I now own my own company. As women we should respect the choice of individuals and be grateful when we have a choice .[/quote]
I know but my cousins a divorce barrister so I’m more cynical about this sort of thing.

Plus dh is motor trade and I’ve seen all sorts go on over the years. Actually dhs workplace has probably made me more cynical.

It isn't abuse but it's clear that he is concerned that he might be asked to do things for the baby. The underlying message here is, "if I'm away when baby is sick, the next time baby is sick, if I'm NOT away, I might have to take time off work because DW did the time before."

It also seems that he feels there needs to be a certain "standard of care" but that YOU are the one who must provide this.

Sorry to be cynical. I'm more than willing to believe he's not doing this because he's a dick. But it's pretty likely that he has all kinds of unconscious assumptions that he doesn't want challenged.

I don't see the problem. He wonders if you being a SAHM would make sense.

You say "no, I'd like to work part time".

End of discussion. It's ok for him to suggest it and it's ok for you to say no and continue with the job search.

Do what makes you happy also
But there is nothing wrong with being a sahm or sahd as some on here imply , if that is what suits you as a family or because you want to
End of the day your the one doing the commute and having to deal with issues when he is away so only you can decide if its doable.

And even in the event that baby was unwell during the day you just say ‘I’m sorry, I will have to go and pick my baby up, he is ill!’

depends on your job.

Unless we are talking about a genuine emergency, many places of work would not be impressed if you suddenly gather your things and rush out because of a sick bug or something relatively minor - but still needs an immediate pick up.

Tell your boss you closed the shop, you are leaving a class of 30 kids, you were half way through the meeting and left.. it doesn't matter what gender you are frankly, but it really is not that easy.

Working parents don't have the choice, but let's not pretend it is so easy to book the time off you need when schools close (regardless of covid)/ kids get sick or injured/ election days/ inset days/ half terms with no holiday club.

It's very easy when they are at nursery because they are opened pretty much every day of the year. It's not when they are at school.

I couldnt do it, I love spending time with my kids but I also trained a long time for what I do and work in a field where a career break means career over. On the grand scheme of things the nursery years are very short and for us it's been a good balance.

Talk to your DH about the consequences. It also means you are not saving for a pension so he will need to save in a SIPP for your pension.

I married into a posting lifestyle (army) and lost my career. It is very, very hard to get jobs back when we come back. There is nothing to pick up.

While it was great while the kids were young, now that they are all secondary, my DH thinks I can pick up a 9-5 job just like that, and I am only getting rejection letters. I am freelancing in the meantime but Covid is not helping of course.

I would recommend any discussion about one of you becoming a SAHP must cover: pension, career prospect, what happens after...

You CAN over think. I had two children and looking back they had chicken pox over Xmas and Easter (when our GP were staying) and I took 1 day off over 18 years!

I wonder if he is concerned that HE might be asked to step in if your child was ill and having you as a SAHM would make things MUCH easier for him.

In real life there tends to be a number of options when a child is ill i.e they could get ill whilst you are on leave, during Xmas, Easter, when parents are visiting etc.

I think he’s very comfortable being a father who works facilitated by a woman who doesn’t.

Get a job. I bet he does little at home.

My DH wants me to be a SAHP too

It all sounds lovely in the short term but long term we couldn’t actually afford to

It sounds like he’s worried that you might expect him to do some childcare, like when you can’t get back for pick up or when the baby is sick, and that might impact on his job.

Answer: yes, he is expected to do some childcare. Even if that impacts on his job. It’s his child too.

Too many women end up in the trap of “well I can only do a job that fits in with DC and childcare” while their OH carries on working exactly as they did pre DC.

I was a sahm for a couple of years and I loved it , my state pension stamps are paid as i claimed CB not work pension but not everyone has one and certainly not then neither me or dh did and many have pretty poor ones now or simply can't afford one.
DH earnt more so made sense for me to stay home and also I wanted to , my dh would of quite happily stayed at home if it was possible
Its not for everyone but please don't put those that choose to down
I loved those couple of years and less stressfull than working and trying to manage a home and kids and running them around . Even now they are teenagers I find 30/32 hrs easier than doing a full time week as dh job now requires him to put in about 50 hrs a week so leaves him less time to help.
But he earns the biggest wage so makes sense to prioritise .
If full time I get a cleaner in to help
Me keep on top

Too many women end up in the trap of “well I can only do a job that fits in with DC and childcare” while their OH carries on working exactly as they did pre DC

... and end up getting screwed over once they get divorced with no job, a big gap in the CV or just some low paid part time job whilst the exH has the last laugh.

@Sanchi but some of us want to stay at home is that not our choice and risk to take

timeforanewstart

Yes if it’s a genuine choice. But not if it’s something you’re only doing because your OH won’t do his share.

I think many couples often decide who stays home based on who earns more as well more sahd are around than used to be
Sometimes its not viable to work and pay for nursery etc for a couple of children not all of us are in well paid jobs

Lots of men are very keen for their wives / partners to be SAHM so they can deal with all the boring unpaid housework, wifework and parenting. While the men get on with furthering their career, building up their pension, enjoying their social lives and playing at being daddy for a few hours a week.

Then, when they decide to trade her in for a younger and less demanding model , it’s all “ She’s lazy, she refused to get a job and I’ve had the stress of supporting her for years while she sat on her backside doing nothing “.

I’ve been on MN for years and seen hundreds of posts from women whose men want their own full time servant / unpaid staff at home. Funnily enough I’ve never heard one single man remember this fact on divorce. There’s some sort of collective amnesia. It’s always what she wanted.

I’ve also seem lots of posts from mistresses , girl friends and second wives bemoaning his “ lazy cow” of an ex who “doesn’t work “ and “ why should we support her lifestyle choices ? “ .

They all imagine that his ex should pop out and find one of these well paid, rewarding jobs that she can do in school hours and / or whenever he decides it’s convenient for him to have his kids.

True timeforanewstart but why do women so often seem to be in less well paid jobs than their partners? Is it perhaps because they haven’t gone for the roles which would require long hours, long commute, travelling away, knowing that they will need to be around for the future DC? Whereas that doesn’t enter men’s heads?

@Babdoc

OP I would advise any woman to avoid becoming a sahm unless she has an unearned income source such as an inheritance or investments. You will lose out on pension contributions and promotions, your work skills will become rusty and out of date, and you will feel resentful having no money of your own and being dependent on your DH for pocket money like a child. It also tends to subtly affect the power balance in the marriage, however well meaning and egalitarian you both are. My DH died unexpectedly at the age of 36, when our DC were both still babies. Thankfully, I was not a sahm - I was still working, albeit part time, as a hospital doctor, so my skills were up to date to allow me to resume a full time career and support my DC alone. None of us know what the future holds, and keeping a career running is only sensible.

Wow. I'm so very sorry

[quote timeforanewstart]@Sanchi but some of us want to stay at home is that not our choice and risk to take [/quote]
if that is your choice then find but many feel pressured into the Sahm role. that is not the same.

To be fair I don't think many are putting SAHMs down on this thread (I'm usually quiiiite sensitive about it). I think many are warning against it unless it's what SHE wants to do though.

You definitely have to be careful. I think having a SAHP has been great for my kids and having a SAHW has been great for DH's career, but for me? I 'fell' into it without thinking about how it would change the course of my life completely and permanently. Never advisable.

I never wanted to be a SAHP and so I am not. It really is that simple. There was a period we were worse off with us both working than if one of us wasn't- neither of us wanted to be SAHPs so neither of us gave up work. Giving my reasons for not wanting to be a SAHP can come across to those who have made this choice as critical of them, so I shan't- but if you don't want to be a SAHP, you don't have to be. And if it turns out that he wants you to be a SAHM then really, he needs to make the changes to his life and career that would facilitate him being a SAHD.

Being a long term SAHM can work - but it has to be something you’re happy with . If you want and need to work it won’t work . I’m long term SAHM because my husband doesn’t have the kind of job that can just be dropped - another poster mentioned ‘lives at risk’ - he’s also in that group. He also spent a lot of the time out the country. I was bored of my career and wanted to spend the preschool years with my children . I planned to go back to work once both were in primary but it hasn’t happened . Covid stopped me doing a retraining course I needed and in reality it’s been fortunate I’ve been at home these last nine months. There are risks - I’m not blind to them - but I am legally literate , a grown up and I’ve made my choices.

@minipie when I had my dc I would say because less jobs had women in top roles , this changes constantly though and is getting better
Also going by majority of people
I know more women want to be at home more for there kids than men. Not necessarily full time but at least on a part time basis but this seems to be looked down upon by some if you don't want a high flying career
I personally had children because I love kids and I didn't want ,whilst they were very small to have someone else spending more time with them than me.
In my case my dh still helped with housework / childcare evenings weekends and financially i handled all bills and money so had equal access
Yes my pension may of been hit but i may not get that anyway , I am the sort that lives in the here and now .
For others their career is important or the option of staying home isn't there so as long as everyone is doing what they want that is most important , happy parents tends to mean happy children, wether you work , stay home or whatever