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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DB and SIL should not have more children

221 replies

Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:49

They have 4 children already, he is currently unemployed due to redundancy, she refuses to work, he is desperately trying to find a job that pays well and now she is pregnant again.

They have financial difficulties, my DM is bailing them out, I and my other DB have given them money to help pay bills. Why are they having more children for heaven's sake?

We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work. We have been pressing her, my DB has been encouraging and her family have also been putting pressure on her to find a part time job that would enable DB to take a lower paid job.

Her excuse is that the youngest needed her. The 3yo is now in nursery so she had no excuse so she goes off and gets herself pregnant again.

Next time I see my DB I'm going to tell him to get the snip or start using condoms because she obviously can't be trusted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
tissy · 22/10/2007 10:52

yes

how they run their life is none of your business

don't give them money if you grudge it

doggiesayswoof · 22/10/2007 10:52

Yes, I think you know YABU. You obv have some major issues with your SIL. None of your business.

Oh yes - and your DB is the one who keeps impregnating her, so I don't think "she deliberately got herself pg" cuts any ice at all. He has a choice!

themoon66 · 22/10/2007 10:54

Stop bailing them out if you don't agree with their choices. But, do not tell him to get the snip... that is none of your business!

talulasmum · 22/10/2007 10:55

cant decide if your being unreasonable or not.

i'll have a think about it.

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 10:55

no excuse but she goes off and gets herself pregnant again - i assume her DH knows about this
none of your business how many kids they have and whilst i don't know the full situation, you are blaming your SIL for the situation they are in and exonerating your brother

  • the language you use about her makes you sound like you really don't like her how do you know she refuses to work
themildmanneredaxemurderer · 22/10/2007 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:56

But don't you understand my fustrations? If you are having financial difficulties, why compound them unnecessarily? It is completely illogical!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 22/10/2007 10:56

YANBU to think it - it's a free country and you can think what you like.

But YAB definitely U not to mention horrible if you advise your brother to mistrust his wife and get the snip, presumably without her consent?! In most clinics she'd have to sign the form anyway, AFAIK.

Stop giving them money, that's fine. But haven't you noticed the effect of all your pressure on her? She is either ignoring it completely or possibly it has even influenced her to go in the other direction.

Making trouble between a couple is bad, bad news IMO. Sorry.

choosyfloosy · 22/10/2007 10:57

OF COURSE we understand your frustrations! Doesn't make any difference!

JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 10:57

YABU nothink to do with you how many children they have and how did she "ger herself pregnant"? Immaculate conception?

talulasmum · 22/10/2007 10:58

thought about it.

i think you are being unreasonable.

i can understand your point of view, but it really is their life.

mamazon · 22/10/2007 10:58

YABU in expecting them to run tehir family in accordance withyoru rules.

stop giving them money. if you are helping them out then fine but dont expect to have a say in tehir lives just because you do

JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 10:59

Oh and it's none of your business telling your brother to get the snip [shcok] I would go mad if dh's sister said that to him. He already has has the snip but noone else's business.

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 10:59

Ruby, trust me, she refuses to go out to work, even her own family have a go at her about it.

When my DB was working, after he'd finished, he would come home for his next shift because despite being at home all day, she did no washing, cooking etc. Hell, my DB even has to comb his DD hair! The woman is bone idle!

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 22/10/2007 11:00

"We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work".

How do you know?

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 11:01

to you it seems frustrating!
lots of people make choices everyday which may be totally baffling to you
if you don't agree with their choices, then don't give them money - it obviously rankles with you

juuule · 22/10/2007 11:01

YABU. With family like you who needs enemies. None of your business how they run their lives. If you resent giving them money, then don't. Good on her and your db for recognising that their children would benefit from her being at home. Just because the youngest is at nursery doesn't stop her doing things for her family. If your db and her have agreed that he works outside the home and she works inside the home then it is nobody else's business. Including you, her family or any of you.
And it's completely nasty and judgemental of you to say -
"We know why She has got herself pregnant deliberately so that she won't have to go out to work."
Even if that was the case, isn't that possibly indicative of what she is being driven to as the only way to have a valid reason to stay at home with her children.
"She obviously can't be trusted"
Making babies takes two. Perhaps it's your db idea but he doesn't like to tell his family because of the condemnation it would bring.
You have no real idea of what goes on inside their family and should try to willingly support your family including your sil.

rookiemum · 22/10/2007 11:02

Would there be backlash towards your family
if you stopped giving them money ? Because
tbh thats the only reason I can think of for
you being involved in your DBs family
planning.

He chose to marry your SIL they are a family, it's not up to you to comment on how many kids they have, unless you are paying for it.

So stop handing out the cash, then hopefully you won't feel the need to be so judgemental.

mamazon · 22/10/2007 11:02

thast your brothers business, not yours.

if he is happy to live like that then what has it got to do with you?

hanaflower · 22/10/2007 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoyKinnear · 22/10/2007 11:02

how do they fund themselves?

It is a bit late anyway because she is already up the duff so there is very little she can do about it
5 kids is a lot ( its NAO btw) its bloody costly for any family and its for ever

rather than telling bil to get the snip i would be telling him to get a job - cos its cash they will need

JodieG1 · 22/10/2007 11:02

Maybe she is depressed, hence the lack of ability to do anything?

Hekate · 22/10/2007 11:02

You are entitled to your opinion. I do agree 100% that they are not being sensible.

However, it truly is none of your business and CERTAINLY it's not your place to pressure her into anything or tell him to have surgery. Nobody has to bail them out. If your mother doesn't like it, she can stop.

So.... no you are not unreasonable to think they are not being sensible, but yes, you are being unreasonable if you think you have the right to tell them what to do.

It's their life. If they ask your opinion, by all means give it. If you don't agree with their life choices, don't help them if they ask you to.

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 11:02

ok - she may be "bone idle"
but what about your brother's role in faciliataing her behaviour etc

Original poster
Fustratedsister · 22/10/2007 11:03

HC, she did the same when the 3rd child turned 3yo and went to nursery. DB was not happy then and he is not happy about this accident either.

OP posts: