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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

222 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:32

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 10/12/2020 21:33

It's a very expensive present for a niece! Do you think she was maybe embarrassed?

Sirzy · 10/12/2020 21:34

As much as it was done with good intention for something as big as a laptop yes you should have checked really.

Glad you should all be home for Christmas

Twiddlet · 10/12/2020 21:34

Is it offensive because it’s expensive and they feel embarrassed? I don’t see why else they’d be upset. You’ve not done anything wrong as far as I can see.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/12/2020 21:35

It's a very big present and it's possible theres a reason you don't know about why they haven't agreed.

Dont feel bad about it, just save your pennies for your DC and get them something smaller they'll like

Moo31 · 10/12/2020 21:36

I think it's too extravagant and may overshine the gifts they have purchased.

Glad your little one is doing well!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:36

I am guessing it is because it’s a big gift
It isn’t a overly fancy laptop like I didn’t buy a Apple Mac etc
It was a HP chromebook.
I would never expect the same level present back at all for my DC. We are all very close as are all the cousins so I just didn’t think but as I said I’m very sensitive and cried for about an hour over offending sister.

OP posts:
nicelyneurotic · 10/12/2020 21:36

You sound so lovely and generous. I wonder if she cant afford to gift your children presents of the same value? I sometimes have to urge my parents to spend less on my kids. I feel guilty if I cant reciprocate.

I hope your newborn is home soon and you have a wonderful Christmas.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/12/2020 21:38

Its not offensive, but it is a bit daft to buy such a huge gift without asking the parents. Completely understandable that you overlooked it under the circumstances though.

I'm glad you all look set to be together at home for Christmas Flowers

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/12/2020 21:38

Probably it is worth more than they were planning to spend. Best to ask parents before making big purchases. It was kind of you to be generous though - don't feel bad!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:38

Well I know she would struggle to afford one I do know that, but that’s why I thought it might help but think I might have looked at it the wrong way ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:39

Ok so do you think it would be offensive for me to ask sister if she would like to give it to her for Xmas or would that make it worse ?
I know she really needs one and really wanted to make it possible.

OP posts:
Meredithgrey1 · 10/12/2020 21:40

How old is DN?
I think for a bigger present like that, it’s always worth checking. Partly because you don’t want to duplicate something that’s been bought already ,or spend the money on the wrong thing (although that doesn’t sound like the issue here). And partly because you may not know conversations that have happened, eg if DN has been pestering for a new laptop, been told no, so they’ve asked you.

stella1know · 10/12/2020 21:42

I think she should have bit her tongue and have not been rude considering your baby is in hospital. You were very kind. Possibly too kind. But if you are the giver you can choose what you bloody want.
Never mind. Save the money for your family or if you can, donate some of it to someone who is grateful. Buy them an amazon voucher and let them choose they own pressies because you don't have time for that right now.
Deep breath, ignore, and focus on your beautiful family 😍 all the best.

MRC20 · 10/12/2020 21:45

It is an expensive present, is this usual in your family? She may be worried she'd need to reciprocate with your DC and may not be able to afford it.

It seems a strange reaction from her to be offended though. If you're worried give her a call and talk tomorrow when she's calmed down. I'm sure it'll be resolved. She knows what you're going through and you obviously are close to and love your sis and her family. These conversations aren't best done by text as things can be misconstrued.

If she really is offended she'll get over it so don't beat yourself up, you have a lot going on. You've not actually done anything wrong, she's being a bit silly and you have more important things to focus on. Keep your strength for that, you need it so stop obsessing about this, it doesn't really matter and will soon be forgotten.

Have a bath and a glass of wine. I've had kids in NICU and know what it's like. Great news your DC is doing well and will be home soon. Well done you, you're doing brilliantly I have no doubt xxx

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:47

I don’t know I think it’s been such a mental year for everyone. I have not been able to see DN like usual ( usually every weekend )
The kids have been separated so long because my DD1 ( not baby ) health.
I just wanted to cheer everyone up at Xmas !

OP posts:
cultkid · 10/12/2020 21:48

Tell your sister it's not about outshining her and it's to be given from her to your niece

Don't cry. I know relationships with sisters are very hard to manage. I love mine so much and when we disagree on things I'm distraught.

Text her and say you want her to give the laptop to her daughter and that it's easier to give then to take and you love her.

Chailatte20 · 10/12/2020 21:48

It was very generous of you to buy it and very rude of your sister to respond in that way. There are ways of saying something without causing offense.

Anyway, lesson learnt so return the laptop and stick £30 in a gift envelope to give to your niece for Christmas. Spend the rest of it on yourself.

Ithinkim · 10/12/2020 21:51

I think she's probably thinking when they open presents your DCs will see you've got her a laptop and will expect similar back.

It will just be awkward.

Why don't you tell her you can't return it but ask if she would take it off your hands to give to her from them?

Missingthebridegene · 10/12/2020 21:51

I think you're amazing for even thinking about any one else whilst your baby is in NICU. Do what you want to do. Sending love to you and your baby x

TheRubyRedshoes · 10/12/2020 21:53

It's not offensive, it's just a big gift, and it's usually something parents would like some control over so dc realise the value?

ODFOx · 10/12/2020 21:53

A chrome book doesn't have software as it runs on the cloud so by buying a chrome book you'd be forcing your sis to sign up for a Microsoft office monthly subscription.

It was a nice thought but it might just be something she doesn't want to do.

Brighterthansunflowers · 10/12/2020 21:55

Please don’t feel bad about it, you have enough on your plate and your intentions were good, it was a lovely generous idea.

Yes, you probably should have checked before getting such an expensive gift, but equally she was being rude. If she’d appreciated the effort but explained why they didn’t want it, fair enough. But just to decline because she hadn’t given permission is rude, especially knowing your circumstances

BonnieDundee · 10/12/2020 21:58

I think it's a lovely thing to do but I couldnt afford to reciprocate and would feel really embarrassed about accepting a gift of that value

Saz12 · 10/12/2020 22:03

That’s a really really generous gift. It’s lovely that the cousins are so close. Your sister could have been kinder, but maybe she was just trying to be “to the point”, or maybe she felt awkward or embarrassed, or...

Maybe your sister won’t want to reciprocate a gift if similar value or “wow”. Or, maybe she didn’t want DN to have her own laptop for Christmas. Maybe it would outshine other gifts. Who knows. But it’s fair to say you have bigger things going on just now, try not to dwell on it.

emilyfrost · 10/12/2020 22:03

YABU. A laptop is a big expensive present, and one parents should buy. It hadn’t been agreed, you didn’t run it by your sister, you just went off what the kids said. That’s not okay.

You should have checked first, because the answer was pretty much always going to be no. It’s not a present an aunt gives regardless of how much they “need” it.