Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

[Whattheactual20201]

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

[quote HappyHomeWorker]@Goldenbear you can’t really compare that to a laptop though.[/quote]
Of course you can - in that example an uncle spent £200 just because, not for a birthday or Christmas. OP’s spent about the same amount on a Christmas present.

@Goldenbear

Of course you can 'tread on eggshells' if your sister is in the OP's situation. You can teach your children a thing about compassion and sensitivity in the meantime!

There’s a difference between being sensitive and treading on eggshells. All OP’s sister said was that she couldn’t accept it.

She didn’t scream, shout, say anything nasty. It’s OP’s perception that she was offended, and her sister isn’t responsible for her emotional state of crying for an hour.

If you ordered online because you can't go in stores are you sure it's not possible to return via courier or Royal Mail who now do a collect from home service to get your money back? I saw your recent posts mention having no money left so thought if it's possible then you can get your money back quicker than waiting until after Xmas.

It's expensive and technology is a dodgy area. It's something parents should get I think. I wouldn't be happy if someone got my kids technology without clearing it with me first.

her sister isn’t responsible for her emotional state of crying for an hour.

No, her postnatal hormones and her baby being in NICU are responsible. You’d think her sister, knowing that, would have appreciated that she actually managed to do her Christmas shopping and thought before so gracelessly rejecting her gift.

Yes, I agree with VinylDetective, I don't have a problem with this kind of thing anyway but if I did I certainly wouldn't let my sister be burdened with that knowledge, when she frankly had enough on her plate. That is pretty heartless and completely unnecessary!

I think in the circumstances - yours and 2020s - your DSis should have accepted it graciously. The online learning/self-isolation/whole year groups being sent home is going to continue for a while - maybe until the end of the academic year.

The fact you had your niece every weekend for two whole days for a considerable time and yet you can have this kind of misunderstanding with her mum, makes me wonder if this is the kind of sibling relationship where everything is fine as long as they call the shots. I have one of those.

Hang onto the laptop, don't send an alternative gift and see how you feel in a few months.

You're a wonderful aunty! I think this has just triggered something that you're not aware of.

You did nothing wrong, just chalk it down to experience.

Next year, less generous!

You sound like you've had a tough time, they could have been a bit nicer about it.

Sounds l lovely and generous and the sort of thing my sis does for my kids. I can't afford much so often the best things are from her, sometimes she makes me give them instead because she knows I can't give much.

I think maybe that's why they are upset, because maybe it's bigger than what they got. Personally I don't mind and I love my sis spoiling them but i can see it would upset some people. I would just ask why its not ok, otherwise they might not like the other gift either.

Glad you are all going to be home for Christmas and it's ok to have a bloody good cry at the slightest thing - i remember crying at the wrong flavour crisps once just after my baby!! 😂 I can laugh now but at the time I felt like a complete failure that couldn't even buy the right flavour let alone be a grown up. I found a damn good sob dried me up for a bit so I was less prone to out bursts. It's Christmas, a pandemic, you have had a baby and they're in nicu - the fact you have even got gifts sorted is fab - i haven't and I'm not going through any of that!

We regularly get outshone by extended family present wise because they have a lot more money than us. I feel really grateful.

To be fair they do always ask first though especially with electronics or larger items.

Some people get offended so easily. Can't believe you would rather your child miss out on something, especially something that could help with education, just because you don't want someone to outshine you. Although not quite as bad as the person who would sell the child's gift and keep the money. Disgusting behaviour.

My brother and son have a very close relationship, as it seems the OP and her niece have and if my brother bought my son a laptop I'd be saying "thank you" and telling him it's appreciated. Just because I didn't buy it, doesn't mean there can't be rules around it being used either.

It might have been best to check first, but given everything you currently have going on, I can see why you didn't and just wanted to get the presents ordered.

One has to be so sensitive about gifting to siblings. I reckon it was embarrassment that they weren't in a position to supply the laptop themselves. I remember a Christmas when my DSIS didn't have the money for a turkey (she had young DC and I had no DC at the time) so I bought her one and said I'd won it in a charity raffle but had already ordered one for which I had to pay now anyway so would she please, please take it off my hands as I can't bear waste!

I think you were very generous and people shouldn't even expect gifts from you at the moment given your baby is in hospital. I'm sorry you were upset and really glad your baby will be home for Christmas!

Glad your little one is doing well.

A tad OTT, I'd return and buy another gift. Your sister is probably embarrassed that she can't afford to buy the gift herself. Can you be my Aunty 😄

Yanbu. It was very kind. Maybe they cannot afford one and felt rubbish about it.

Buy her a small gift, then after Christmas ask if she needs to use your spare laptop till she gets a new one. Everyone happy.
You didnt mean to offend and it's a shame you got so upset. Concentrate on your little bundle for now. MERRY CHRISTMAS

Yes when it’s a big present like that you need to ask the parents. They may have wanted a specific kind with certain features e.g touch screen. They may have wanted a certain size or perhaps they were going to get a deal on bulk buy, who knows. You should definitely always check stuff like this.

I bought a wee chromebook for my wife's sister just out of kindness and also as a return of favour because she accommodates us on holiday.
Then I felt obliged to repeat with the other sister for the same reasons!

You obviously intend that your DSis accepts the laptop. Your choice of your sister accepting it either from you or from her versus not having anything else off you otherwise sounds like trying to force her to accept it. If it was put to me like that, I'd soon tell you where to go.

I think you should arrange for someone else who is trustworthy to return it for you. Then buy a much more acceptably-priced present.

You need to brush up on some essential skills and not put your DSis in such a position ever again. Leave the big presents to be bought by parents in their own time, as and when they can afford them. If the parents can't afford them then the child learns a valuable life lesson.

I would’ve been grateful, but perhaps embarrassed at not being able to afford a similar priced gift.
She could’ve been nicer about the way she said it.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your baby.

Would you like me as a niece

@Calmandmeasured1 I didn’t tell my sister that it was the laptop on nothing. It would be the laptop at nothing at this notice, but I didn’t put it to her like that.

I spoke to my sister nicely as I said I would, I apologised if I had upset and that I was sorry that I didn’t ask her first during the rush of checking all presents out at once.
I explained that it was not meant to upset anyone and to be helpful but they I fully understand and respect her wishes.
She then explained why she was upset which was down to the fact she thought her daughter would appreciate my gift more and have better memories of me. ( should add she is also pregnant so we are both hormonal messes ) 🙈
I asked her if she wanted DN to have a laptop and if it would help them and she agreed that it would, so I offered my sister the laptop to give to her and she said she would feel bad on me doing that. However I told her there was no need to feel bad and that we are all one family so it doesn’t matter.
We both want DN to have the laptop, so she is getting it labelled from her mum :)

Sorry about the typos in that last post 24 hours of no sleep I am typing through very tired eyes !

My brother ways goes overboard with dds presents. He earns good money and has no kids of his own and enjoys spoiling his niece.
Me and dh are both on a little more than minimum wage and have a definite fixed budget. I've never seen it as an issue that he spends more than us and never seen it as more than an uncle spoiling his niece.

So glad it worked out. You and your sister sound like you have a lovely relationship😊

Do you have a gift for your niece okay?