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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

222 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:32

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 11/12/2020 07:59

Seems to be entirely focussed around the needs, wants and pride of the parent. Nothing to do with the child.

macaroniinapot · 11/12/2020 08:01

Definitely crossed a line here and I’m surprised that you can’t see that, now she’s pointed it out. It’s inappropriate and you should have discussed it. I totally get that you want to bring joy to the child and family after a rubbish year, but don’t you think your sister does too?

I would return it and get something a lot smaller, but agree with PP in your situation you definitely wouldn’t be forgiven for giving money / vouchers! Try not to be too hard on yourself, it’s easily rectified and you didn’t come from a place of malice.

LilyLongJohn · 11/12/2020 08:01

Maybe it was inappropriate, maybe it wasn't, but she needs to cut you some slack, you're a new mother and your baby is in Hospital.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 08:03

@macaroniinapot if you read the thread you would see that I did realise that I should
Of spoke to her.

OP posts:
Skipsurvey · 11/12/2020 08:05

i can't vote either way.
be kind to yourself op

macaroniinapot · 11/12/2020 08:06

But you’re still saying you plan to ask her if she can have it and give it to the child from her? Doesn’t really show that you understand at all.

macaroniinapot · 11/12/2020 08:07

Did read the thread thanks Hmm

BerriesAndPineCones · 11/12/2020 08:10

You're kind op. You were thinking of your niece's education and being able to do schoolwork. I agree with this

Seems to be entirely focussed around the needs, wants and pride of the parent. Nothing to do with the child

BerriesAndPineCones · 11/12/2020 08:10

And you shouldn't feel bad

Bella43 · 11/12/2020 08:10

It's not offensive at all but it is extravagant. My children may 'want' a new laptop but they know they have to wait until I can afford it. Also, if their old laptop broke because they didn't look after it, then I won't be rushing to buy them a new one for that reason. Kids are crafty. Maybe they asked for a new laptop, got told no so asked someone else instead. My kids have done this. Asked me, got a no so went to my mother who rushed out and bought said item not knowing the context and presented it to them thinking she'd done a lovely think while I'm giving my kids the evil eye. Maybe something like this is going down? Just a thought.

Op you sound like a lovely person. Don't let this upset you 🌹

Backbee · 11/12/2020 08:13

So glad your little one is doing well OP, no wonder you are stressed, especially with everything else going on. Was she offended as perhaps she thought you were buying it as you assumed she couldn't afford it? Even if it's true, it can feel quite awkward. That said, it was a lovely thought, and it sounds like you absolutely had the right intentions; you heard she wanted a laptop so you very generously bought one, nothing wrong with that. However, as her mum has now said no, I would return it and buy something different, and you don't need to apologise but maybe just say what you have said here- there was no thought behind it bar you knew she wanted one, and you respect her view on it.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 08:17

@macaroniinapot well it’s bought now I can’t go to the shops to return it before Xmas, so I will speak to her nicely and see if we can both come up with an idea.

I don’t know what else to do I won’t give it to her but then she won’t be getting anything of us at all.

OP posts:
HappyHomeWorker · 11/12/2020 08:18

If my child genuinely needed it she would have it (bought by me).

Do you know for a fact your sister can’t afford one or are you just assuming?

steppemum · 11/12/2020 08:19

I think it wasa lovely thought coming from a lovely place.
I think your sister shoudl have cut you some slack due to baby etc.

Itis a big gift and I would have been worried/felt embarrased at a gift that size, as I wouldn't be able to reciprocate.

But again, your sister has handled it badly.
Why don't you write some of what you have put in this thread to her?
Tell her that you just wanted to do something nice after a crappy year, that you feel a bit hurt by her reaction as life is so bad right now, and buying Christmas stuff just isn't a priority.
Be explicit, this isn;t starting a tredn, you don't want same back from her, you just wanted to do something lovely, and know that DN needs it.

Whyistheteacold · 11/12/2020 08:21

It's a very generous present and lovely thought. If I was your darling sis I think that in a weird way I would feel upset that I couldn't afford to get the laptop for them, and that you could. I think it would be upsetting if you know you couldn't give your kids anything quite as good as what their auntie gave. I would imagine she is also worried as she would then need to match that present for your DC. It's clear though that you were trying to do a nice thing.

On a separate note I'm glad your LO should be home for Christmas 🎄💖

MoiraNotRuby · 11/12/2020 08:27

Congratulations on your baby and I hope you are all home together soon.

Yes a laptop is OTT, I can't afford one for my DS and would be mortified if my brother gave him one as gift. I feel like a shit enough parent as it is, it definitely wouldn't make me happy for someone else to do what I should be able to.

Skipsurvey · 11/12/2020 08:28

you could keep it for yourself op

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/12/2020 08:31

Hi Op
Congratulations on your newborn doing so well,being able to bring little one home soon.
I can totally understand you feeling hormonal feelings all over place.
Hound sound lovely,
But I think your well intentioned gift for your niece was far too big,expensive extravagant item,
and its embarrassed your sister has does not know how she can afford to give equilvant amount of value gift back to you,or she is struggling money wise and your big value reflects that she can not afford to buy a gift for her daughter as expensive as this..

Op
I would just get something smaller less expensive gift, its the thought that counts rather than pressuring/stressing yourself out, feeling you need to live up to everybody expections of how they perceive a perfect xmas .

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 09:04

You will realise when your own baby is older that there is nothing worse then people buying expensive stuff for your kid.
If you're going to be patronising, at least rtft

GotTheWrongBook · 11/12/2020 09:05

Aw Op you’re having a miserable time at the moment. Hope the New Year is much better for you and your family.
Flowers

rumandbiscuits · 11/12/2020 09:06

I can see both sides here and you do sound very generous and kind. If I was your sister and couldn't afford a laptop I would feel like a failure if my sister then came along and bought one for my daughter. Me being me after saying no to you would then be stubborn and say no to you giving it to me to give to my DD (but that's me and I'm stubborn and would cut my nose off to spite my face) hopefully your sister isn't like that. Could you ask your mum for advice on what to do, if she is close to you both?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/12/2020 09:22

You were doing it from a good place but I do think you should have checked. Your DSis may have been saving for something similar or just wants her present to be the main one. I enjoy treating my nieces but check with my sister about anything expensive or that takes up a lot of space.

I hope your baby is home soon. Flowers

wildraisins · 11/12/2020 09:24

Aw that sounds really hard for you :( I think I would have checked before buying something as big as a laptop but given your current circumstances I am not surprised you just wanted to get it done!

Even if you don't expect the same back it can be awkward for someone to receive something that expensive when they haven't got you/ your kids the equivalent. So I can see this from both sides.

flicktheswitch22 · 11/12/2020 09:32

Could you trade gifts maybe OP? Mum can give her the laptop and give her something else she has already purchased 'from' you?

emilyfrost · 11/12/2020 09:41

[quote Whattheactual20201]@HappyHomeWorker what if your child need it would you say no just for the sake of it ?
I am not saying your wrong just genuinely curious ?[/quote]
It’s not “no for the sake of it”.

It’s not because you didn’t agree it with the parent. It doesn’t matter how much you think she’s immediate family - she isn’t. She’s not your daughter, she’s your niece, and her mother never approved her child could have such an expensive present.

You still don’t understand. You say “it’s bought now I can’t return it”, but that’s not your sisters problem - that’s yours.