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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

222 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:32

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
hansgrueber · 10/12/2020 22:08

In your position I think that you would be justified in not bothering buying presents for anyone other than your own children. Stick a tenner in a card for the nieces etc., if they don't like it then tough, you have other claims on your purse now.

FortunesFave · 10/12/2020 22:08

I think it's more likely that she wanted to get it herself. I used to tell my Mum what I wanted to get DD and then she'd buy it..and I used to feel I'd missed out.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 10/12/2020 22:09

Make it a “household” gift?

They need one, irs not such a big amount shared between all of them. And you won’t have to re shop or anything.

emilyfrost · 10/12/2020 22:12

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Make it a “household” gift?

They need one, irs not such a big amount shared between all of them. And you won’t have to re shop or anything.

Except that this was asked for by the kids, and the mother hasn’t agreed to it.
Thelnebriati · 10/12/2020 22:14

The kind thing to do is to agree it in advance, give the gift to the parent that can't afford it and let them give it to the kids as a joint gift from all of you.

TableCat · 10/12/2020 22:17

I'd be really upset if my brother did this.
A laptop is a 'main present' and in our house would be between the children.
It certainly isn't an auntie present. I think you crossed a line.

Sally872 · 10/12/2020 22:18

It is not offensive but a bit inappropriate. I don't think any harm is done. Don't overthink it.

BlueThistles · 10/12/2020 22:25

You did a very nice kind generous thing.. your niece would have loved that laptop... such a shame... Flowers

NovemberR · 10/12/2020 22:25

It's very generous, but I would have been unhappy at my DSis buying something so expensive for my child, because it would make my presents look a bit shit.

I probably spend about £80 each on my kids. I really don't want someone else spending several hundred on one gift. It sets the bar too high for expectations. And I couldn't afford to buy it off you as a PP suggested. I can't afford it.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2020 22:48

Not offensive but it is a very very expensive present for a niece. In all likelihood they are embarrassed because they can't afford to buy it.
I do think its slightly odd to have spent that much money without checking.

I also think given what you've gone through if I were your DSIS I'd have been graceful about it and kept my mouth shut. Odd time to pick a fight about an act of generosity.

Porcupineinwaiting · 10/12/2020 23:01

It was a kind thought but I would be upset if a sibling did something like this. Not offensive but yes, inappropriate.

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/12/2020 23:07

I am extremely close to my Dsis and Dnephews but there is no way I would buy a present like that without consulting her first.

You sound very kind and generous.

Try not to take it too much to heart.

LittleOwl153 · 10/12/2020 23:10

@ODFOx software not necessarily an issue if the kid is at secondary. Lots inc mine have 365 access through school which can be used on their kits at home. Or will use Google classroom in the same way.

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/12/2020 23:11

I should also add that my BIL bought our DS a brand new i-phone a few years back and I felt very awkward about that.

He owns his own Mobile phone shop and we could have afforded to buy it for our DS but had decided against as his old one didn't really need an upgrade.

I felt very uncomfortable about that, generous as it undoubtedly was!

DS has SEN though so doesn't have a clue of the cost of anything so he wasn't comparing what we had got him which was a relief!

laudete · 10/12/2020 23:21

I don't think you did anything wrong, particularly considering the circumstances. Your sister (and the older kids, if they aren't all old enough to understand) should realise you have been very stressed and even somewhat random gifts can still have good intentions. The only issue would be explaining to any very young children that next year's gifts would be back to whatever passes as "normal" within your family circle. A Chromebook is a nice practical gift and your reasoning seems sound. It's not like you ordered something hugely random like a dozen aprons and a mini fridge. (Which, tbh, would still be somewhat understandable if you were doing all your Xmas shopping circa 3 am and sleep deprived in the NICU.)

I hope you all have a lovely Xmas with your new baby. x

HoboSexualOnslow · 10/12/2020 23:21

You have a baby in the NICU and you're worried about presents? If I were your sister I would've sorted it myself and told you not to worry. You've apologised please stop worrying.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 10/12/2020 23:26

Tell her you are not returning it, it's a gift for her daughter not her, and you have too much to do rather than worry about your sister being offended over a Christmas present.
And congratulations @Whattheactual20201 hope you all have a lovely Christmas with your little bundle of joy!

emilyfrost · 10/12/2020 23:30

@BethlehemIsInTier1

Tell her you are not returning it, it's a gift for her daughter not her, and you have too much to do rather than worry about your sister being offended over a Christmas present. And congratulations *@Whattheactual20201* hope you all have a lovely Christmas with your little bundle of joy!
If someone did that to me after I’d said no, that the gift was inappropriate and hadn’t been agreed, and they refused to take it back then I’d just sell it and keep the money.
BethlehemIsInTier1 · 10/12/2020 23:30

@ODFOx

A chrome book doesn't have software as it runs on the cloud so by buying a chrome book you'd be forcing your sis to sign up for a Microsoft office monthly subscription. It was a nice thought but it might just be something she doesn't want to do.
Rubbish, you do not need to sign up for anything.
ArosAdraDrosDolig · 10/12/2020 23:31

My ds has chrome book and we don’t pay a monthly subscription. Is that because he has it set up through school or something?

I think it was a lovely thing to do. And your sister is being a bit horrible conside ring your baby is in nicu. I’d tell her how upset you are.

It’s probably that your present cost more than her own present for her dd. But that’s being selfish, if the dd needs it for school and parents can’t afford it they need to swallow their pride and say thank you.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 10/12/2020 23:33

If my d sis bought my dc a preset like that I would be a bit overwhelmed and if I couldn’t afford to reciprocate I would feel a bit bad and a bit crap about myself. But I would also feel touched and thankful.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 10/12/2020 23:35

@emilyfrost says more about you as a person really, selling a child's Christmas present then keeping the money is theft.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/12/2020 23:35

That's far too extravagant for a new phew present unless you're Richard Branson.

But it's forgivable you've got a lot on your plate at the moment!

lioncitygirl · 10/12/2020 23:35

No of course you haven’t don’t anything wrong and I am a little 😱 at those who said you were.

You were trying to be generous, kind, but clearly she took offence - I guess because she can’t afford it and it might make her gifts pale in comparison? I mean - I don’t know, in our family, me and my brother earn well, and would think nothing of buying our younger sisters children stuff like that (they are saving for house) and she would never feel she needed to reciprocate, nor would I ‘check’ with her first....

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/12/2020 23:36

[quote BethlehemIsInTier1]@emilyfrost says more about you as a person really, selling a child's Christmas present then keeping the money is theft. [/quote]
No it isn't 😂