Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

[Whattheactual20201]

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

[quote BethlehemIsInTier1]@emilyfrost says more about you as a person really, selling a child's Christmas present then keeping the money is theft. [/quote]
Don’t be so ridiculous 😂

Speaking here as a poorer person in comparison to siblings it sounds like her
pride is hurt plus the DC will prefer your present over her present.
It is a pain when people throw cash at a problem without thinking.
Mine are always surprised I don't join them on their Christmas break if they chose somewhere affordable maybe I'd go instead my DC will listen to the 7 cousins wagging on Christmas day about their upcoming trip.
Your reasons are understandable she is not unreasonable either I'm glad the baby is doing well.

If one of my siblings bought my DD a laptop then I would find it inappropriate, especially if they had not run it past me first. For all they know I have told DD she cant have one for a specific reason and she was just chancing her arm by asking her uncles/aunts for an inappropriately extravagant gift because I've said no.

Not only would the cost bother me - a laptop would be a main present in my family and there is mo way I could reciprocate anywhere close to that value for my nieces and nephews (regardless of whether they expected it) - but also it would feel like they had overstepped the boundaries, our usual budget for the children is £50 per family, so to receive a laptop that would be at least 3 times that budget would feel like they were going out of their way to change the unwritten family rule.

My DD has a laptop that her dad and I bought her for her birthday this year. In order to be allowed a laptop she had to prove she was responsible enough to have it and she also knows that if she breaks our rules of using it then we can take it away. If a laptop was given as a gift by someone else I think it would have been harder to impose rules on usage/access etc as it was given to DD and we have no "ownership" of a gift given to her by someone else.

Oh OP - don't cry!

I expect your sister is just feeling that weird mix of shame (can't afford to reciprocate the gesture) and jealousy (that you'll get the glory and outshine the other gifts) with a side of "shit I wish I could keep this, I am denying my DC by sending it back."

I bet it is not a pleasant feeling for your sister either, and I don't think either of you should be sad about a lovely relationship where one family is missing the other and wants to make things nice.

Can you say

"Shit, I'm so sorry, I was in such a panic about Christmas with Baby in NICU that I didn't really stop to think I should check. Of course I can return it - or if you want to give it I can let you give it, and I'll get them something else smaller they want? Whatever is best from your point of view - I miss you guys SO MUCh and it's making me sad I've upset you about this. It's not about the money, I really just wanted to make everyone happy."

@ODFOx

A chrome book doesn't have software as it runs on the cloud so by buying a chrome book you'd be forcing your sis to sign up for a Microsoft office monthly subscription. It was a nice thought but it might just be something she doesn't want to do.

This is nonsense. There is plenty of free stuff for Chromebooks that performs exactly the same functions as Office. Nobody in the world needs a Microsoft Office subscription unless they want one. Anyone under the impression that they need to pay for this should look at Open Office and the free tools on Google Drive (Sheets, Docs, Slides etc) which allow you to work in the cloud and download in an Office compatible format very easily.

ah it is you. Glad to hear baby is thriving and will be home for Christmas.

Stop crying. You did a really nice thing, and your DSis is being rude about it. I'd be delighted if my sibling thought so much about my DC as to know and care what they needed/wanted. However, ask your DSis what she wants you to do with it. She may just be over reacting. If a return, so be it. Maybe ask if you can give money to contribute to the purchase of one, if that is waht DNeice really wants.

You have enough on your plate without worrying about this, that's for sure.

@ODFOx

A chrome book doesn't have software as it runs on the cloud so by buying a chrome book you'd be forcing your sis to sign up for a Microsoft office monthly subscription. It was a nice thought but it might just be something she doesn't want to do.

We have a chromebook and have never signed up to anything. X

She's overreacted. DN needs (wants?) a new laptop, she needs one for school and you wanted to get her something useful. Ok it was a bit pricey but if you're a close family and it's not meant to be a dig then your DSis could cut you a bit of slack given your circumstances.

Is there anyone else in the family you could split the cost with and present it as a joint gift? Maybe even your DSis? Might not be feasible if she's already sorted presents, and to be honest given her reaction so far it might be best just to draw a line under it and return it.

I would just say look I've got it now it's too much hassle to return. Please take it DSis and say it's from you and get DSis to give DN a smaller present and say it's from you instead.

You sound like an amazing sister and congratulations on your newborn. Your Dsis response probably says more about her and how she feels about what she is providing than your actions. My parents and Brother often splash out on my DD and I am so grateful. It’s not a competition and I accept Their gifts as that is in her best interests.

I gave my niece her first laptop (I didn't actually buy it specifically for her, But it was new and I didn't use it) but I ran it past her parents first because I wasn't sure if they'd be ok with me basically giving her something that enabled internet access, she used my brothers computer for school work and was always supervised in the family room. I wasn't sure if giving her her own device would cause them headaches if she started thinking she can loads more screen time or expected to take it in her bedroom to use unsupervised since she didn't have to share with her Dad anymore.

My brother was totally fine with me giving her it and she loved it, she started secondary this year and got my old phone but again I double checked before just giving her it in case her parents had said no to smartphones and have different rules for their kids to what I have for mine.

You meant well and I wouldn't beat yourself up, I don't think she's unreasonable for asking you not to give her it though.

I think we both overreacted. I am so tired literally
Have a newborn in nicu who well was a surprise. 2 elder DC who both have birthdays within a month of Xmas ( one literally days )
I just am trying to keep Xmas together as much as I can
We usually all spend Xmas together around parents house but we are not able to go this year ( 3 hours rule and we also have a brother who has kids ) so just wanted to make sure they knew we were thinking of them. They will all be together as that’s what we decided so all I have really to give is presents this year.
We miss our DN so much ( she stays with us normally over weekends as sister does shift work, I just see all the kids and kids of the family.

@Whattheactual20201 you're functioning as a human whilst you're baby is in NICU so frankly I think everyone should back of from complaining and be nicer to you.

DSis may be embarrassed about the cost but could have told you it was too much. She might not want DN to have access to the internet etc or frequent access to tech (depends of she's 4 or 14 whether that's reasonable or not). She could have told you that. Instead she's had a strip because you didn't ask her permission.

I'd return it and say die to everything going on she'll have to have a gift card instead, and spend however much you normally would / have on the others. That you did it in a rush and was trying to be helpful but you're sorry that it seems to have caused offence.

Then go back to focusing on your kids

I think it's a lovely thoughtful gift and really very kind of you. However, if it's also not in Dsis price bracket then I can imagine she'd feel a bit crap about it, as parents generally want to get the gift that causes the most excitement themselves. If you're happy for DN to still get the laptop without Dsis feeling you get all the 'glory' for it? I'd suggest to her that you'd very much like to still give the gift as a joint present from yourself and Dsis and she can chip in say £25-50 if this is in her budget? That way potentially everyone wins? Personally I'd also massively down play the actual price you did pay for it during that convo ie 'it was a great offer on Black Friday, and I had a code someone gave me at work so I saved 40%... Basically make out it was cheap as chips so it'd be silly to return it'. Of course you shouldn't have to do any of that. But at least mum can save face and not feel mortified about not being able to afford it, whilst DN still gets the benefit of the amazing present.

Op if you have a child under one you can bubble with one other household. Could you do that with someone in your family? I get your not up for providing childcare right now but it might help you feel less isolated as they're all spending Christmas without you which I think is a bit shitty

To be totally honest it is the equivalent of mum saving up to buy a bike for their DC, and the child being over the moon. And then another relative rocks up with a pony for them...

@Whattheactual20201

Well I know she would struggle to afford one I do know that, but that’s why I thought it might help but think I might have looked at it the wrong way ...

you overstepped by buying something her own mother can’t afford, yes.

I’m sure you meant well. Hope your new baby is home soon and doing well

If you're all really close, ask her?

If it is the value, would it be an option to replace yours or your child's laptop with the new one, and niece have the old one?

If buying big presents like this, I would always ask first.

But it's not that big of a deal. Just get something more modest and forget about it. You have enough going right now without beating yourself up over something small like this

I get where you and your dsis are coming from. However she is being ridiculous both as you have a baby in nicu and cutting her nose off to spite her face. Personally I’d tell her it’s too much hassle to return the chrome book with a baby in intensive care. She can chose between giving the gift herself or you giving your dn the gift. You both sound very stressed. My feelings are she should cut you some serious slack atm. I do understand her day to day life normally is probably more stressful than yours due to money worries but roles are currently reversed.

I think it's really weird the amount of people on here saying: parents like to give the big gift, you are outshining her, it's more than she could afford.

I knew having kids is about ego but wow. So you would rather your child went without a thoughtful, quality present because you dont come across as the star?

I haven't seen your DNs age, but if they are not a teen I would have been upset as it would reduce my authority on internet use and screen time. Its one thing to have a family computer quite another to be given one of her own. Money would not be the issue.
Is DN is a teen yanbu.

@CrotchBurn

I think it's really weird the amount of people on here saying: parents like to give the big gift, you are outshining her, it's more than she could afford.

I knew having kids is about ego but wow. So you would rather your child went without a thoughtful, quality present because you dont come across as the star?

I agree. But I’m not in ops sister’s position, which is why I’d go for too much hassle to return line.

Neither of you are BU. You were trying to get presents done and had a very generous idea and (I mean this in the kindest possble way) your sister is rightly put out because such a big gift should really have been run by her first, for all the reasons PP cite. I would feel massively uncomfortable with such a large gift for one of my children from an aunt/uncle.

I hope your baby continues to do well and is home soon.

You will realise when your own baby is older that there is nothing worse then people buying expensive stuff for your kid.

Your sis will feel like it is wayy too much . Wayy to extravagant etc etc. Also you might not realise that her kids might have been behaving badly or something like that and dont deserve it.

Or the fact that your present will outshine all the things your dsis hs bought. Or the fact that she feels lik she can reciprocate such an expensive gift.

It is a whole minefield which should be steered clear from op.
Focus on your baby rn. And return gifts or donate /rehome or whatever , at a later stage.

And next year just... dont 😉