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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

222 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:32

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
PopsicleHustler · 11/12/2020 06:15

It's a very big purchase and they should have asked their parents before putting you on the spot like that.

It's a wonderful gift, dont get me wrong. My son would probably pass out if you bought him a laptop. But, I wouldnt be happy if a relative bought that for my children without consulting me first. Laptops can be expensive. But it is a wonderful gesture none the less. Plus, might be a bit cheeky of the kids to ask. If my aunt asked what my children wanted for a special occasion, I'd want them to think carefully about something that isn't too dear and extravagant

But lovely gift, and also congratulations on your baby coming home. That's awesome news.

Nacreous · 11/12/2020 06:24

This is very kind of you OP.

It never would have occurred to me that you shouldn't get it because you were an aunty. Most of my fancy presents came from people who weren't my parents because we didn't have much money. My granny got me my first laptop, different grandparent a kindle, a sewing machine, a camera (over lots of years!).

It would have been a bit mean of my parents to stop me having that stuff because they couldn't afford it when I had extremely generous relatives who could.

I think I'd offer to rebadge it as from you and her jointly or as a gift to the whole family?

I hope you can have a peaceful Christmas, I think acheiving Christmas presents at all while your baby is in NICU is amazing and you shouldn't feel bad.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 11/12/2020 06:39

((((HUG)))))

Pleased to hear baby will be home for Christmas!!

You say 'offended', what did your sister actually say?

I'd talk to her again today & try to get to the bottom of the actual issue. It's something your niece wants (needs?) that they'd struggle to buy. You want to buy it for her because you love her & you miss her and haven't seen her every weekend like you usually do (unsurprisingly!!).

Hopefully she just reacted badly out of embarrassment or jealousy maybe & will realise she's being horrible to both you & DN. Maybe she's worried DN will love you more as she spends fun time with you (normally) and you buy cool presents?

Don't cry any more though, you were being lovely!!

I'm sending mine money & nothing like the amount that would buy a chrome book!

Clymene · 11/12/2020 06:41

It's not so much the expensive gift @Nacreous, it's that the OP didn't discuss it with her sister first. If you're going to buy other people's children gifts they can't afford themselves, it's a courtesy to run it by their parents.

Needsadvice197 · 11/12/2020 06:43

So glad to hear your baby’s doing well and will be home for Christmas (what an amazing gift!).

I think maybe they felt like your gift was ultimately what their dc wanted so would outshine theirs. You seem lovely and so generous! Return it and buy something a bit smaller. Hope you and your family enjoy Christmas with your little bundle of joy😁

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 11/12/2020 06:43

Oh, OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong.

But unless your DSIS has explained WHY she is upset and wants you to return it it is hard to comment.

BahbaraHumbug · 11/12/2020 06:55

My DC are 15 and 11 and they do chores and earn money for themselves. They have purchased big ticket items for themselves and learnt very good life lessons. If extended family came along and just dropped an expensive laptop on them I would be really pissed off and undermined. You are their Aunt, not a parent and you should remember that.

im5050 · 11/12/2020 06:58

I bought my niece an IPad last year
But I checked with my sister if that was ok
She was just please that she didn’t have to buy It 😂
My other nephew who is 4 I bought him
A Samsung tablet this year but again I checked with his mum ( my other niece ) if that was ok.
You sound lovely and generous .
Your sister is an ungrateful cow .
My sister and niece know I don’t expect equal £££ for my present
In fact I told them a few things that I would like and to only get one of them and it’s no more than £20 and it something I genuinely want

Kaliorphic · 11/12/2020 07:20

I think it was nice of you to buy it.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 07:23

@im5050 haha the issue is I didn’t even think !
I was literally on some mad spending spree trying to get Xmas done in 3 hours 🤣 lesson learned.
To the poster who told me to wait until my baby is older
I have a teenager myself, I know how important his laptop is for schooling especially at the moment and personally in my own head I wouldn’t see the issue.
Just to clarify that I don’t need to wait for my 3rd child to grow up.
I do realise I should of said something to her and I will apologise for that and hope she accepts the laptop ( doesn’t have to say it’s from me ) but for my DN who I know would benefit from it.

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 11/12/2020 07:23

You will realise when your own baby is older that there is nothing worse then people buying expensive stuff for your kid

There's plenty of things worse than that. I'm always more than happy when family buys something for the DC I can't afford. After all the gift benefits them doesn't it. Seems odd to deny the DC that.

MrsMiaWallis · 11/12/2020 07:24

Your sister could have handled it better. You bought it in good faith. Enjoy your baby.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 07:29

Some of you are defo right apart of it is that I really miss DN and wanted to make up for not being their much this year.
She has spent Saturday morning to Monday morning at my house every weekend for 7 years so to me she is immediate family and I would give her what I give my own.

OP posts:
SprogletsMum · 11/12/2020 07:31

I don't understand where your sister is coming from at all. Me and my sister are very close and the kids are just family kids. We're both skint so kid presents are very cheap this year but there's been times where the kids end up with more and nothing but a thank you is said.
If one of my dc needed a laptop and she could afford one my sister would definitely get one and I'd be grateful.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 11/12/2020 07:37

I don't think you did anything wrong 🤷‍♀️

Actually I think you did something lovely, generous and thoughtful.

I also think your sister is being a drama queen.

I'm glad your baby will be home soon Flowers

borntohula · 11/12/2020 07:39

Wow my parents buy my dc expensive stuff as standard every birthday/Christmas. I'm never offended and always incredibly grateful because I can't necessarily afford that stuff but it's great that they don't miss out!

KnitsAndGiggles · 11/12/2020 07:46

Your sister needs to cut you some bloody slack.

I hope your baby comes home soon Flowers

Morgan12 · 11/12/2020 07:48

I would ask your sister if she wants the laptop to give to DN. If you are all as close as you say then this shouldn't really be an issue surely? Just make it clear you just want everyone to be happy at Christmas. And you can buy DN a smaller gift from you?

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 07:48

@KnitsAndGiggles she is doing really well just need to gain a bit more weight and feed more :)
The hardest part is I’m not allowed in at the moment as DD7 has a cough and fever so waiting on covid swab 😭😭 which isn’t helping my emotions probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 07:49

@Morgan12 yeh I said previously I am going to ask her if she wants the laptops but she doesn’t have to say it’s from me. I wouldn’t buy her something on top of it though as my Xmas budget is finished now.

OP posts:
HappyHomeWorker · 11/12/2020 07:53

Yes I can see why she’s upset. It’s a ‘big thing’ and it’s up to them (Santa) to give big things. I’d not be impressed if my sister did this.

HappyHomeWorker · 11/12/2020 07:54

Do not ask your sister if she wants the laptop to give to DN! Bad idea

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 11/12/2020 07:54

@HappyHomeWorker what if your child need it would you say no just for the sake of it ?
I am not saying your wrong just genuinely curious ?

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 11/12/2020 07:57

I think it's a bit sad really when parents won't allow close family to buy big things for the DC because they can't afford to buy it themselves. It's the DC who miss out. Particularly on something that would be helpful for education. For no good reason.

ThatDamnKrampus · 11/12/2020 07:58

@Whattheactual20201

Well I know she would struggle to afford one I do know that, but that’s why I thought it might help but think I might have looked at it the wrong way ...
I think this is the reason. They can't afford it for their own kids (let alone reciprocating) and as lovely as it was I do think you over stepped the mark with this gift without first checking.

Glad your little one is doing well, hopefully they will be home soon. Flowers