Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

[Whattheactual20201]

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

I would probably have checked, but never in a million years would I have had a go at my sister if she'd done something like that for my kids, even if I wasn't happy about it and especially if she had a baby in the NICU. Hope it all blows over for you OP.

It was a lovely gesture on your part. But saying that anything electronic,devices, phones, games consoles are all things the parents need to decide for themselves if a child can have one for a variety of reasons they wouldn't discuss with you, so you did overstep the mark. Lovely gesture but it's really not your place without discussing it with her parents first.

I buy big presents, but always check with my sister and brother in law first.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a big present to but for her child, she may feel overwhelmed or embarrassed.

Or will blow over

@emilyfrost I don’t mean it like that at all, I am saying that I can not return it but I also can not buy her an additional gift so I will speak nicely to my sister to see what she wants to do. I am not sure how that makes me a bed person. I can not go in to the shops to return it
I have a baby in NICU who I can’t even visit at the moment and a daughter still at home from school because of she is a heart transplant patient.
So I will speak to my sister on what she wants to do but will feel bad because it means she won’t have a gift at all from us.

[quote Whattheactual20201]@emilyfrost I don’t mean it like that at all, I am saying that I can not return it but I also can not buy her an additional gift so I will speak nicely to my sister to see what she wants to do. I am not sure how that makes me a bed person. I can not go in to the shops to return it
I have a baby in NICU who I can’t even visit at the moment and a daughter still at home from school because of she is a heart transplant patient.
So I will speak to my sister on what she wants to do but will feel bad because it means she won’t have a gift at all from us.[/quote]
Nobody is saying you’re a bad person. They’re saying your gift is inappropriate and crossing boundaries, and your sister has already told you no, and your unfortunate and upsetting circumstances don’t change that.

I'm not totally clear whether your DN is your DSIS only child or has siblings but you say in your first post they already have a laptop they use for school, so it sounds like it's shared whether between DN and siblings or with her parents. So it's up to them when they decide to replace it and what with.

She has use of a laptop for her education so isn't going without the tech she needs. It may be running slowish but then my DH manages to work from home as a website and graphic designer on an old laptop work haven't upgraded yet. Any working laptop will do for secondary school work.

My kids will always share a device. Electric bill is high enough with DH working from home, then I, he and eldest have our own (cheap, android) smartphones Younger 3 share a tablet, will upgrade that to a laptop when at secondary. Then another three smartphones to charge when younger DCs that age is going to be bad enough on electric bill plus limited charging points in our little house! Software, printing can all cost. They will have to continue to share, anything else isn't practical. Don't know where we'd put six laptops/tablets!

My extended family wouldn't understand this fully with!larger homes and electric bills they can afford which are higher than our mortgage and utilities combined.

It's so lovely the amount of time your DN has spent with you over the years and that you've been able to provide that support to your DSIS when she's been working. But this is a call for her to make as Mother, not you as Auntie. You do need to just quietly return the laptop, can you really not afford to put £20 in a card for your niece before returning it... I say that because if you have the budget to afford presents like that for DCs that aren't your own as well as yours then I'm expecting you can.

I hope your baby is home for Christmas and your other DC stays well. Must be a very difficult time and do feel for you but sense you do need to drop this straightaway or it could cause problems with your DSIS and relationship with DN going forward.

What gets my back up is the phrase "she needs it for school". My DC are very hardworking students and they don't "need" a laptop.

People need a coat and shoes. Laptops are a luxury.

What also comes with your own laptop is endless supply of social media, gaming into the night and other stuff. It's not a great present.

If you are so flush that you can drop up to a grand on a Christmas present I'd be putting that money into an Isa got her future and buying her some vouchers for clothes and a selection box.

Unless you usually spend that amount or buy large gifts then I would be a bit put out of my brothers did that. We set a budget and spend the same on all the children, if mine received a large expensive gift from somebody else that was probably bigger than the main presents from us I wouldn’t be happy. It makes it very awkward for everyone and sets a precedent going forward.

If I was going to do this I would have definitely discussed it first.

Your are over emotional which is understandable. Shr said that you should return it and you should. It is too extravagant a present whether you think so or not. Tbhbif my kids were bought something over £100 by a relative i would feel obliged to give something of a similar value, maybe your sister feels the same way.

It was a nice idea so don't beat yourself up about it.

@BahbaraHumbug

What gets my back up is the phrase "she needs it for school". My DC are very hardworking students and they don't "need" a laptop.

People need a coat and shoes. Laptops are a luxury.

What also comes with your own laptop is endless supply of social media, gaming into the night and other stuff. It's not a great present.

If you are so flush that you can drop up to a grand on a Christmas present I'd be putting that money into an Isa got her future and buying her some vouchers for clothes and a selection box.

A Chromebook can be had for £200.

It’s still expensive for a gift but a grand is way off... it’s not a MacBook.

Ok so

1. I said my circumstances in the response to why I can’t take it back to store at the moment

1. I did not spend anywhere near 1000 on a laptop which is quite an assumption there is a large range of chrome books much cheaper than this.

1. I agreed that I should have spoken to her.

1. All I have said is I will have a discussion with her over what we should do as I can not return the laptop any time soon which will mean her not receiving a gift from us ( we have a Xmas budget ) But I will speak with her nicely about it.

I just think the main issue is the boundaries - if a family member bought DD something expensive, then I would want them to check in with me first before they bought it, just the same as I would do for any family members, and if I said that I didnt want DD to have the item then I would expect them to respect my decision as her parent.

You mentioned that you want to treat her as you treat your own children but that is not your place. Regardless of how much time she spends with you, you are still not her parent and it seems that your sister is trying to re-establish that boundary between parent and aunt by asking you not to give a gift that oversteps that.

90% of the time if I was asked about an expensive gift I would probably feel uncomfortable at the expense but would put that pride aside for my DDs sake and accept the gift if it was something I was happy for her to have, but perhaps just couldnt afford it myself, or she needed.

The other 10% of the time I would refuse it, not to deprive my DD of a gift just because of my pride, but because either it was something I felt was inappropriate/unsuitable (eg I didnt want DD having a laptop that I didn't have ultimate control over to limit what she was doing) or there was a context the gift giver wasnt aware of (eg if DD had damaged her old tablet/laptop so I said she had to save up 50% towards a new one, I wouldnt share my discipline choices with my family so they may not be aware of this and I would feel undermined if someone just gave her a new one without giving me the option of asking them not to)

In your case you have presented your sister with the laptop and are basically now saying "DN gets this expensive gift or nothing because you have said no but I wont return it and cant shop for anything else" That is not a fair situation to put your sister in when you know she is not happy with her DD being gifted a laptop.

@BahbaraHumbug

What gets my back up is the phrase "she needs it for school". My DC are very hardworking students and they don't "need" a laptop.

People need a coat and shoes. Laptops are a luxury.

What also comes with your own laptop is endless supply of social media, gaming into the night and other stuff. It's not a great present.

If you are so flush that you can drop up to a grand on a Christmas present I'd be putting that money into an Isa got her future and buying her some vouchers for clothes and a selection box.

Lots of children do actually need a laptop for school. And they don’t cost anywhere near a thousand pounds!!

You are thinking about MacBooks.

I think some people get angry And jealous when they see this lady Can afford to spend this on a gift.

Separate out the emotions. OP has upset her sister, so the laptop was a bad idea. But she meant well. Stop with the nasty responses.

You should have checked first, because the answer was pretty much always going to be no. It’s not a present an aunt gives regardless of how much they “need” it.

Really? Do people genuinely think like this? The answer definitely wouldn’t be no in this family, it would be “That’s so generous. Thank you very much”.

Very generous, but when they can't afford one themselves, it probably just makes them feel bad that they couldn't buy it for their own children.

I’m guessing she was upset because she can’t afford one for DN and she doesn’t want you to upstage her in any way. I can understand it really, parents usually buy the main gift rather than other relatives.

Hello OP. Glad to hear your progress.

You had so little time to plan for ANYTHING these past couple of months!

In all probability your sister is just worried that Auntie's present will be the one DN loves, but has chosen to take this out on you.

Could you suggest that it is a joint Christmas AND birthday present this year. My teen seems to be fine with getting a few cheap presents if I've had to shell out for expensive sports/music stuff in the year.

FWIW my brother always jokes that the role of an uncle is to buy DC presents that their parents would never buy!

At my children's secondary they need to be able to use MS Teams to do home learning when schools are closed due to Covid. Sixth form dd was recently sent home for 2 weeks due to an outbreak and had live lessons at home. Their homework is set online and they submit it online. Normal Comp. I know the school has asked a few times who doesn't have access to a laptop so they are hopefully making provisions. Who said anything about spending a grand on one though? Why would you need such a high spec? We spent nowhere near that and it was new. Refurbished ones are also available. It's not really a luxury to be able to do schoolwork in a pandemic

You poor thing, you had all the best of intentions and are obviously going through a really tough time

I voted YABU because I took the question at face value and I do think it’s a courtesy to run bigger gifts and tech for children and younger teens past parents first. However, I think your sister is being even more unreasonable with her rude reaction and lack of understanding.

You are allowed to make mistakes. Comes with being human. Your sister should have cut you some slack and been grateful. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and apologise.

I don’t see what you’ve done wrong really my ds wants a gaming of set up I cannot afford it this year really if my brother who could afford it dropped one off for him I’d prob do a big girly squeal with happiness for my boy and thank him profusely. Not berate him for it.

Different stroke for different folks I guess.

That should say full gaming pc set up.

@BerriesAndPineCones

At my children's secondary they need to be able to use MS Teams to do home learning when schools are closed due to Covid. Sixth form dd was recently sent home for 2 weeks due to an outbreak and had live lessons at home. Their homework is set online and they submit it online. Normal Comp. I know the school has asked a few times who doesn't have access to a laptop so they are hopefully making provisions. Who said anything about spending a grand on one though? Why would you need such a high spec? We spent nowhere near that and it was new. Refurbished ones are also available. It's not really a luxury to be able to do schoolwork in a pandemic

The DN has access to a shared laptop at home already so no problem with accessing her schoolwork if remote learning.

OP for goodness sake don't go back to your sister and try and guilt-trip her in to taking the laptop by saying you can't return it due to your circumstances. Can your DP not post it back? It's not your sister's problem.

Drop this, respect your sister's reasons, hopefully your baby will be home soon and I'm sure your DSis and DN will be thrilled for you and want to keep in close touch over Christmas.

Really? Do people genuinely think like this? The answer definitely wouldn’t be no in this family, it would be “That’s so generous. Thank you very much”.

It might not even be about the money, because the sister specifically said she hadn’t approved the gift.

So DN has gone and mentioned this expensive gift to her aunt without her mother knowing (probably doing so because her mother hadn’t approved it).

If a parent has not okayed an expensive gift, it’s not acceptable to ramrod over it and buy it without checking. It’s inappropriate and crossing boundaries, OP is the aunt, not the parent.

I said I would speak to her nicely to see if we can work it out. Not that I will guilt trip her in anyway.
I tried to do something nice, I forgot to mention it as I ordered everything in a rush.
I won’t do it again.

Also I’m not “ flush “ I have a Xmas budget and stick to it but I include by nephews and nieces in this budget.
I am now on I expected maternity leave after being off work most of the year due to covid. So Yes usually I may be well off but I’m
Not rolling in it right now. However my Xmas savings were already there.