Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

[Whattheactual20201]

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

Also not an expensive high tech chrome book ( my DC doesn’t have 1000 one either )

When Dh and I were down on our luck my dsis bought expensive presents for my dcs
Do you know what? I was absolutely thrilled as was dh.
I didn’t feel embarrassed, jealous or upset. I was just grateful that I had a lovely sister who loved my children so much, that she wanted to give them what I couldn’t give them.

@Lampzade

When Dh and I were down on our luck my dsis bought expensive presents for my dcs Do you know what? I was absolutely thrilled as was dh. I didn’t feel embarrassed, jealous or upset. I was just grateful that I had a lovely sister who loved my children so much, that she wanted to give them what I couldn’t give them.

I’d have felt the same. I was poor as a church mouse when my son was younger, if anyone had bought him something he wanted that I couldn’t afford I’d have turned cartwheels.

@Whattheactual20201

I said I would speak to her nicely to see if we can work it out. Not that I will guilt trip her in anyway. I tried to do something nice, I forgot to mention it as I ordered everything in a rush. I won’t do it again.

What is there to work out though? Your sister has said no. Returning the laptop, keeping it for your own family or selling it on ebay is your or your partner's problem when you have the time. It wouldn't be nice to keep hassling her about it, whatever your original intention.

If money's tight due to your maternity leave then it was crazy to buy this for your DN anyway instead of reducing your Xmas budget for nieces and nephews, keeping this money for unexpected bills or whatever. Perhaps your DSis has done you a favour.

I'm sure you're really going to miss them over Christmas but an extravagant gift it turns out you perhaps can't really afford isn't the way to try and cement your relationship with DN. You have much more important things to focus on now and I'm sure your DSis does too.

I agree with you OP, call your sister, apologise again for not consulting her first and then explain the situation you are in re the laptop and kindly ask her what she wants you to do, does she want to gift the laptop to her DD and give you one of the smaller presents she has bought for her DD for you to give to her, or does she want you to keep the laptop, but if you do that you don't have any money left to buy anything else for DN right now and then leave it up to her. Make sure to tell her this isn't a guilt trip, you made a mistake by not consulting her first, that you will in the future, but you don't know how to fix this now.

Except that this was asked for by the kids, and the mother hasn’t agreed to it.

What’s that got to do with it being a “household gift”. DN doesn’t know it was intended for her. Just share it as a family and Op looks generous but not extravagant - sure the sister understands that it’s easier to get one big thing then having to shuffle round the shops.
Explain that none of them is getting anything else and just hand it over.

@Snaketime

I agree with you OP, call your sister, apologise again for not consulting her first and then explain the situation you are in re the laptop and kindly ask her what she wants you to do, does she want to gift the laptop to her DD and give you one of the smaller presents she has bought for her DD for you to give to her, or does she want you to keep the laptop, but if you do that you don't have any money left to buy anything else for DN right now and then leave it up to her. Make sure to tell her this isn't a guilt trip, you made a mistake by not consulting her first, that you will in the future, but you don't know how to fix this now.

Op's sister has already asked her to return the laptop. There's nothing to 'fix' at their end.

I think you've got lots going on op that requires your emotional energy - put this to one side and don't think about it anymore.

You did a really great 'bad' thing, if only all the problems in the world were caused by someone being very generous

Also, I am the 'poor' sister and one of my siblings offered me £100 towards the costs of Xmas this year.

I didn't take up her offer but it was lovely to know it was there if I needed it.

Fwiw if my sister bought a laptop for one of my kids who needed it, I would see it as a present for them and none of my business. I would be bloody delighted for them!

@BahbaraHumbug

What gets my back up is the phrase "she needs it for school". My DC are very hardworking students and they don't "need" a laptop.

People need a coat and shoes. Laptops are a luxury.

What also comes with your own laptop is endless supply of social media, gaming into the night and other stuff. It's not a great present.

If you are so flush that you can drop up to a grand on a Christmas present I'd be putting that money into an Isa got her future and buying her some vouchers for clothes and a selection box.

Yes they do 'need' a laptop.

Especially at the moment.
Which is why charities and government are trying to provide laptops for those who haven't got them.

My 3 kids are secondary.
All work is online. All class work to catch up on, all homework. They need to access it online as it often has bits attched eg presentation.
During lockdown, and any time they are not in school, eg isolating, then they muct access the lessons on-line.

All homework must be submitted online. There is an option to write if off line and then photograph it an upload the picture.

We now have a laptop each. We had one for the kids to share, and in lockdown we had to get more. We don't spend 1,000 on a laptop. Ours cost £100-£150 sedon hand. My dh does fiddle with them, add extra harddrive, and sometimes for second hand he has ot add an external mouse etc, but they work enough for school.

Some of dds friends have been doing all school work, including writing essays etc on their parent's smartphone.
When you think of equality of education, today in 2020, this is exactly it.

Obviously it is not a necessity like food. But it is the difference between those who will do well at school and those who won't.

And to the pp who said they must share, that's great until it is 5pm and 3 kids must do 3 lots of homework for tomorrow and it all needs to be done online

as to gaming, well after homework is done they come downstairs. No late night gaming, no lapyops in rooms over night.

But yes, it is really hard keeping them on track with school and not getting sidelined into youtube.

I hate it actually. But it is the reality of school today.

Totally off topic but I followed your other thread and so glad your daughter is doing well and should be home for Xmas

If I was in your position I would have sacked off doing presents for everyone and used surprise baby as a very valid reason for it too

Sorry, last post I promise - the more I think about your sister's reaction, the more irritated I'm getting. How dare she ring you up to tell you you 'can't' give her son a laptop.

She's behaving as though you've bought him alcohol and a porn mag.

Posted too soon - I don't think that your sister should say anything that makes you cry for an hour with all you've got to deal with right now.

Don't apologise, don't buy a replacement, do tell your sister to get a fucking grip.

@steppemum That's great if you can afford the electric for running and charging all those laptops, not everyone can.

Which is why some schools need to be more realistic about home learning in my view. You can't expect all pupils to be sat on Teams/Zoom all the time along with siblings in different years. That's not all about education anyway.

I am very taken aback by all the PPs saying buying a nice, useful present for your DN was a bad, even offensive thing to do.

A present is a present, which the giver gives freely, and it's something to always to be thankful for. OP is obviously close to her DSIS and DN, it's not as if she's bought a laptop for a vague acquaintance. You'd think they'd be past that your-present-shows-you-are-better-off-than-me thing .

If DN needs the laptop and will benefit from it, I can't see the issue.

OP, I hope your DSIS reconsiders and accepts the laptop for your niece. It is a generous, thoughtful gift.

That's not all about education anyway

Of course it is. Even I know that a vast amount of education has been online for the last eight months. That’s why the government handed laptops out to kids.

It costs 5p to run a laptop for eight hours.

@MrsBobDylan

Posted too soon - I don't think that your sister should say anything that makes you cry for an hour with all you've got to deal with right now.

Don't apologise, don't buy a replacement, do tell your sister to get a fucking grip.

All the sister said was that they hadn’t agreed it and she asked OP to return it.

OP’s crying for an hour isn’t the sister’s doing; she can’t be treading on eggshells regardless of circumstances.

The only person missing out now is your Dniece.

Hopefully your Dsis will understand and let her have the laptop.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time, sis needs to cut you slack with a new born in NICU.

If this was me I would

• check what date I can return laptop by (most shops offering extended returns to 15-31 Jan) and plan to return it
• Order something for niece online in the £20

range

[quote Carlislemumof4]@steppemum That's great if you can afford the electric for running and charging all those laptops, not everyone can.

Which is why some schools need to be more realistic about home learning in my view. You can't expect all pupils to be sat on Teams/Zoom all the time along with siblings in different years. That's not all about education anyway.[/quote]
i think the electricity is a bit of a red herring.

3 kids x 3 lots of homework.
Has to be done. Either one after each other, or at the same time. Adds up to the same amount of electricity.
This isn't about zooms/teams really, that was true for lockdown, but it is about having secondary aged kids and the way homework is done.

The bigger cost I would say is the need for wifi.
Electricity costs for a laptop are tiny.

and, again, it is recognised problem, hence the gov and schools trying to get laptops to kids who need them.

I agree it is not necessarily a step forward in progress, but it is life today. If your kids don;t have good access to a computer and wifi, whether you like it or not, it will detrimentally effect their education once they are 11+

@VinylDetective

That's not all about education anyway

Of course it is. Even I know that a vast amount of education has been online for the last eight months. That’s why the government handed laptops out to kids.

It costs 5p to run a laptop for eight hours.

I know full well how WFH and running devices adds to the bills, my DH has done so for the last 13 years. He got a lot more done in the day before endless unnecessary zoom meetings became the norm this year. His colleagues want the chat now not in the office, he wants to crack on!

A laptop per household yes, not realistic to expect every household must have the same number of laptops as children. Of course they can share! They do in school. We're not getting four. The Zoom thing is as much about attendance/eyes on the kids/presenteeism. My Year 6 DD was recently self isolating and got a lot more work done off apps, no distractions, she doesn't need the motivation of having her teacher constantly on screen. Work all completed and submitted on time.

I don't think you were unreasonable. My brother in law has just returned from a very well paid job in Switzerland, he doesn't have any children and is kind of the younger, cool, indulgent uncle, without me knowing they (bil and husband) went to the Lego shop and he asked my DD what she wanted, she requested something small but he then asked what she really wanted, he ended up buying her a set over 100 and my son got the equivalent. This isn't a Christmas present, it was just an average Saturday. I didn't make them take it back, I was just pleased they were so happy. I personally don't think it matters that the request was from the niece, she is, after all the person who is going to receive the present.

Of course you can 'tread on eggshells' if your sister is in the OP's situation. You can teach your children a thing about compassion and sensitivity in the meantime!

@Goldenbear you can’t really compare that to a laptop though.