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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable In not asking permission about nieces Xmas gifts.

222 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 10/12/2020 21:32

I had a baby recently who is in NICU ( going very very well and should be home in time for Xmas those who followed )
Due to the absolute chaos I did all my Xmas shopping one night online
For my own DC and nephew and nieces.
My DS and DN are the same age and DN has mentioned they wanted A laptop as theirs is running slow now and they use it for school etc.
So I didn’t really think and just purchased it - again I was sort of like just need to get presents done in one go.
I spoke to DSIS today who has asked me to return it as they hadn’t agreed to a new laptop. She seems really offended and I didn’t mean to offend anyone 😭
I have messaged to apologise for any offence and that it was a simple ok that what they asked for ordered it Black Friday etc.
I did know Dsis had not bought one.
I will return the laptop for something else.
Was this actually really offensive for me to do ? I’m a bit hormonal and everything is making me cry at the moment so I might be over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
PleaseLetIanBeDead · 13/12/2020 13:50

I hope she has swapped some of her gifts over and put your name on them?

Because your sister is out of order if she hasnt.
She looks like shes bought her loads and u havent got her anything. Isnt really fair

Ignore people saying its to much of a present for a niece / nephew

I always spend atleast £200 each on my nieces and nephews for birthdays and Christmas’

NoSquirrels · 13/12/2020 13:51

OP, you sound lovely Flowers

Emeraldshamrock · 13/12/2020 13:52

I'd a feeling that was your Dsis's reason. I'm glad you both sorted it out, you've a lovely kind relationship.

Ddot · 13/12/2020 13:55

All is well that ends well.
Merry Christmas

CanICelebrate · 13/12/2020 13:59

That’s a lovely update @Whattheactual20201

Princessbanana · 13/12/2020 14:38

That’s such a nice thing to do! Hope your little one is doing well and home in time for Santa and the carnage of Christmas morning!😂🙂💕

ScrapThatThen · 13/12/2020 15:05

That's so sweet good on you

VinylDetective · 13/12/2020 15:14

What a brilliant resolution. So pleased it’s sorted.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 13/12/2020 15:34

Last comment to the lady about needing to learn some essential skills. I am doing very well in life through my skills but thanks for that 🙈

OP posts:
Madcats · 13/12/2020 16:03

Glad to hear that this is all resolved, Whattheactual20201. If your DS is pregnant, too, there is the possibility of a bit of jealousy for a sister that is a "Mumsnet hero" for having done "pregnancy in 8 weeks".

I sincerely hope you have a lovely Christmas, hopefully home from NICU.

Maray1967 · 13/12/2020 16:08

It was a kind thing to do, but possibly not well - advised - but that is entirely understandable. So pleased to read that things are going well for you so don’t let this overshadow more important things. You could just say ‘oh I wasn’t thinking that through was I’ or similar , when you next speak to her, and hopefully she’ll say sorry she was a bit sharp with you. She should do. It might well be that your niece had been told no and decided to try her luck with you!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/12/2020 16:58

I think you were very generous and obviously only thinking of what was best for your DN. I can understand your DSis' feelings too. Glad you have sorted it out. Hopefully you can 'give' one of the presents your DSis bought for her DD instead. Hope everything goes well with your baby and other DC

Suzi888 · 13/12/2020 17:34

@Whattheactual20201 such a generous thing for you to do.

nutmegsteddytoes · 13/12/2020 23:04

At a time when you're under incredible stress yourself,to have managed to buy any Xmas presents is an incredible feat I'd say!
The laptop was a really kind ,thoughtful and generous gift and if I was in your sisters position,I'd be so grateful that you'd done that as your DN needed it.
People can be funny things at times and maybe after a little reflection upon how generous you've been,she'll apologise and get over herself
Wishing both your baby and your child at home well
My goodness you're a super mum!

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2020 09:01

[quote Whattheactual20201]@Calmandmeasured1 I didn’t tell my sister that it was the laptop on nothing. It would be the laptop at nothing at this notice, but I didn’t put it to her like that.

I spoke to my sister nicely as I said I would, I apologised if I had upset and that I was sorry that I didn’t ask her first during the rush of checking all presents out at once.
I explained that it was not meant to upset anyone and to be helpful but they I fully understand and respect her wishes.
She then explained why she was upset which was down to the fact she thought her daughter would appreciate my gift more and have better memories of me. ( should add she is also pregnant so we are both hormonal messes ) 🙈
I asked her if she wanted DN to have a laptop and if it would help them and she agreed that it would, so I offered my sister the laptop to give to her and she said she would feel bad on me doing that. However I told her there was no need to feel bad and that we are all one family so it doesn’t matter.
We both want DN to have the laptop, so she is getting it labelled from her mum :)[/quote]
So now she has a fancy present from Mom plus everything Mom already brought her and nothing from her Aunt whom she was really close to bit whom this year she's barely seen and who hasn't seemingly bothered to buy her a gift?

So it isn't about your niece at all, it's about your sister not being the special one?

FreddieMercurysCat · 14/12/2020 11:15

Awww OP! Can you be my sister? That was a lovely, thoughtful gift. But I know people can be a bit uncomfortable about generous gifts as they feel they have to reciprocate.

CozmicB · 14/12/2020 11:55

I once got my back up because my folks bought my ds a bike without checking with me first. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the gift, but that it was something I felt that my dh and I should be buying... and yes, it over shadowed our gift for him that year. I asked my folks to return it. It was awkward, but it didn't mean that we fell out . I am sure it will be fine and she just feels that you should have run such an extravagant present past her first. Own it. Apologise and say you will check in future. You are a very generous aunt BTW. I wish I had one like you. 😀

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/12/2020 01:48

@CozmicB - my MIL once bought DS1 a bike randomly in the middle of the year for no occasion at all. I was so cross, because a) I'd bought him an expensive balance bike for the previous Christmas and was trying to get him to use that, and b) a bike is a BIG present that should have been saved for birthday or Christmas. DH had already started putting it together though so she couldn't take it back but nor could she see why it was so wrong that she'd bought it for him.

Of course the expensive balance bike was hardly used afterwards

@Whattheactual20201 - as others have said, is your sister going to put your name on something that she's already bought, so your niece does at least have something labelled from you? It's good that you've sorted it out between you and she will get the laptop but I do think you should get some recognition!

Pinkfreesias · 15/12/2020 01:56

Please don't upset yourself over this, OP. I don't think any offence was taken and we know none was meant. It was very thoughtful of you to choose something that had been mentioned by your niece & nephew.

Pleased to hear your baby is doing well and will be home with you soon. Have a wonderful family Xmas.

Newmumatlast · 15/12/2020 02:07

[quote Whattheactual20201]@Calmandmeasured1 I didn’t tell my sister that it was the laptop on nothing. It would be the laptop at nothing at this notice, but I didn’t put it to her like that.

I spoke to my sister nicely as I said I would, I apologised if I had upset and that I was sorry that I didn’t ask her first during the rush of checking all presents out at once.
I explained that it was not meant to upset anyone and to be helpful but they I fully understand and respect her wishes.
She then explained why she was upset which was down to the fact she thought her daughter would appreciate my gift more and have better memories of me. ( should add she is also pregnant so we are both hormonal messes ) 🙈
I asked her if she wanted DN to have a laptop and if it would help them and she agreed that it would, so I offered my sister the laptop to give to her and she said she would feel bad on me doing that. However I told her there was no need to feel bad and that we are all one family so it doesn’t matter.
We both want DN to have the laptop, so she is getting it labelled from her mum :)[/quote]
This is lovely OP welldone x

VinylDetective · 15/12/2020 12:44

a bike is a BIG present that should have been saved for birthday or Christmas.

This was the joy of having a Jehovah’s Witness mother. There were no birthdays or Christmases. Every present was “just because” and it was lovely.

With both having November birthdays, neither of the bloke’s grandchildren would get big presents only appropriate for summer use if their parents took that attitude. They get BIG presents when they can use them.

sophiasnail · 15/12/2020 16:50

Why not mark it from Mum AND Auntie What? If your niece thinks you both contributed to it, then it sounds like the problem is solved!

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