Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

Are you breastfeeding? Can't you scale back your life and activities and stay in bed with your little one?
You mention workmen and deliveries. You aren't having building work at the same time? If you are, stop all unnecessary stuff, don't even think about cooking and cleaning. Move anything you need for the little one into your bedroom within reach. Stay there and rest up.

Sorry I don't understand the bit about your husband helping out more, did you know you'd be this unwell in this pregnancy?

It should really be your husband who is helping out! But if that is zero option during his working time (he better be bloody doing it when he gets home and at the weekends!) then yes if your MIL has agreed to help out then she needs to be reliable with it. Would call the nurseries again though to see if there is any spaces come January (they move out of baby room at 2 so any Dec/Jan will be moving up) to take the pressure off a bit but also it's good for when the baby does come.

I would also contact your HV incase you have home start volunteers or similar that can help out they can send someone one day a week to give you a few hours resbite but it is in high demand

I have no experience of HG but it seems to me your OH could make up a hamper of picnic stuff for you in the morning and leave you on the sofa/in bed with your little one if MIL bails on you. It's not fair on your mum to be picking up the pieces for your life choices and you and your OH need to work out how you can stop piling the pressure on her when you're let down. I would just ask her to keep to what she's agreed for the next 2 weeks (if that's a couple of days each week) and for the rest of it, you and your little one are just going to have to manage if MIL lets you down.

@DianaT1969
Yes breast feeding but he’s on 3 meals a day and snacks too. We stay in the house but he gets bored and screams in bed. I let him watch a lot of cebeebies to keep him quiet but it only lasts so long. I do about 4-5 hours alone with him a day but really struggle. Don’t think I can do more than that’s why I was so adamant in agreeing more help from DH. I worried this would happen.

No building work just stuff MIL thinks needs doing and is helpful. Think carpeting unused rooms and replacing electrical appliances. All generous and kind of her but not something I’d be choosing to deal with alone.

@multiplemum3
I wasn’t well in my last pregnancy either. The midwives and consultant were very ‘no pregnancy is the same you might be fine next time’ about it and I was made to feel quite a negative nelly but

What is the shortest time dh is out of the house for work?

Is your baby napping often? 're you napping when he does?

How many weeks are you? Are you ill due to first trimester issues or is this likely to be ongoing? If it is, your DH has to step up, your mums are under no obligation to do everything on behalf of the 2 of you for months on end, although your mum might feel she has to do more because she is your mum and will be worried about you.

@muddledmidget
@Scottishskifun

DH is so busy he’s getting 5 hours sleep and working 12 hour shifts without food because he was too tired to make himself a packed lunch. I don’t think I’ll get anywhere asking him to do any more

Will ring around nurseries again. I do worry about DC as they’re totally unsocialised due to covid and scream at strangers. Nursery would probably help!

My DM won’t just not come and leave me to it. That’s half the problem. We are really close and she won’t see me suffer. She will just come. I’ve told her not to and she still has. It weighs on her. That’s why DH and I really need a plan. To take the mental weight off her.

Could you stay with your mum Mon-fri? Then go home for the weekend when dh is there to help?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Shortest day is 12 hours from leaving to getting back (if he finishes on time which he often doesn’t) he’s an NHS surgeon.

@Superstardjs

14 weeks. It might get better. I’m hopeful but last time wasn’t great all the way through.

How will you cope with two?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

They don’t have room for us at my mums house. My DF also can’t really deal with small children. We don’t see much of him, he stays home when she comes to me.

@Someone1987

How will you cope with two?

The illness is pregnancy related.

Do you have a spare room? I'm not sure what the situation is with au Pairs and covid but could be a possibility?

@Someone1987

Before I got pregnant again I’d regained my health really well and didn’t find dealing with DC particularly hard. I think in comparison to feeling this shit it was actually pretty pleasant.

I can cope with being tired and when I’m not pregnant I rarely get poorly. Before DC I got sick maybe once a year!

I would keep looking for childcare. Post of fb sites. Local gumtree.

I can understand why your mother is annoyed. You and dh were selfish going in for another baby so soon. You were sick during your last pregnancy so pretty good chance of being ill with this one and baby you have is only 11 months.

You've posted about this before haven't you ?

[quote Notabloodychance]@muddledmidget
@Scottishskifun

DH is so busy he’s getting 5 hours sleep and working 12 hour shifts without food because he was too tired to make himself a packed lunch. I don’t think I’ll get anywhere asking him to do any more

Will ring around nurseries again. I do worry about DC as they’re totally unsocialised due to covid and scream at strangers. Nursery would probably help!

My DM won’t just not come and leave me to it. That’s half the problem. We are really close and she won’t see me suffer. She will just come. I’ve told her not to and she still has. It weighs on her. That’s why DH and I really need a plan. To take the mental weight off her.[/quote]
Another option if you have the space is an au pair if there is zero nursery space available. Typically you pay them an allowance and you would probably need to pay for somewhere for 2 weeks to self isolate. I had au pairs from a young age and loved it.
Other options would be a live in nanny for a bit or even a live in dula for a while (the last being the most expensive)

How will you cope with two?
She won’t be pregnant once she’s given birth...

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Oh yeah we are well set up for it. Several spare rooms, one very large en-suite. We just can’t find anyone. I’ve been tinkering on my phone looking hypothetically. I think there is more demand for things like cleaners and nannies right now than there are suitably qualified people.

A ‘young student/international’ au pair would be very unlikely to be interested in us due to our location. We are rural and our local city isn’t even a major one! Don’t have an airport within 2 hours.

It's a hard one. Your husband might not be able to help you out as much, as his employer can't let him have untold amounts of time out. That is fair.
Maybe try to rally support from extended family.
Other than that there's not much else that you can do.

Ah. Rather convenient that your dhs job suddenly took up more time once a baby arrived. It's really strange how often that happens.

I'd downsize, so that your mortgage isn't quite so big, so that your dh can work less and can actually be a part of the family.