Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

@user1471462428

I looked after a small child with HG. Here was my routine my ex would get up with our daughter when I was throwing up first thing, I’d then crawl on my hands and knees and take 3 different types of antiemetics. He’d bring her downstairs. We would play on the floor watch tv. When the tablets had kicked I’d make her breakfast. I found having the window open helped me not be sick on her. Then I’d play downstairs till lunch. More antiemetics and watch a film/doze. I never cooked food (as couldn’t stand up)so often she ate shop bought sandwiches/pasta twice a day. I also bought chopped up fruit so I could tip it on her highchair without touching it. I found crawling reduced the levels I was being sick down from around 30 times a day to 15-20. My mum would occasionally come by at weekends to take her for fresh air and if I was well enough I’d sit at the back door with her. Bath time was fine as she happily play and I’d throw up.

Jesus. You are super human.

Have you checked if there’s a nursery linked to the hospital your DH works at? A lot of hospitals have these and most of the places go to the children of NHS staff.

Sorry if I missed this but what exactly is 'wrong' I.e. are you being sick? Can you not walk? How mobile are you? For me that makes a huge difference as to how much help you really need.

At 11 months most babies are quite happy bumbling around the house with toys and a bit of
CBeebies, maybe some messy play on a tuff tray. Presumably they are still napping two times a day as well.

You say you have no options, but you're just assuming that nobody will want the job. Even when you say you looked, it was 'hypothetically'. Don't look hypothetically, actually post an advert and see what happens! Oh and a teenager will have no problem playing with a baby for a few hours, surely that would be better than nothing?? Seems like you don't want any outside childcare and just want the Mums to do it all tbh.

Completely unreasonable to expect so much from your DM and MIL. They did the baby years, it's not their job to do yours for you, regardless of how poorly you are.

In your situation I'd be looking for a nursery/childminder if you can't find a nanny. It's not ideal but I think needs must. DC could be cared for 8-6. Shopping delivered. Buy stuff that just needs warming through. Maybe then your mum/mil could help with bits & bobs of house work as and when they can. I think once you sort out some decent paid childcare the rest will seem easier. Pricey I know but look at a mortgage holiday or even a personal loan in the short term.

I will would look for nursery closer to your dh work. Or child minders who work closer to his hospital, so he could do drop offs. You would then only concentrate on pick up, however you can/ afford.

At 11 months most babies are quite happy bumbling around the house with toys and a bit of
CBeebies, maybe some messy play on a tuff tray. Presumably they are still napping two times a day as well
Op,s baby is probably 8 mos. She keeps NC.

I remember your previous posts and the only constant is that your husband expects everyone else to do everything. It’s pathetic that he needs someone to put something in a bag for lunch. He can open a cupboard and do it himself, or he can buy a ready made sandwich in the hospital shop or go to the canteen.
He’s a surgeon, is he a consultant? Even if you’re rural, advertise further out and off to pay travel.
You’re pregnant now so it’s no point saying you’ve both made a selfish choice but YABVU to imply your MIL is unreliable. Poor woman!

Your husband needs to tell work that his wife is pregnant and seriously ill and that he cant do more than his standard hours until you recover.

You really cant be expecting this level of support from your parents. It's just not fair on them.

You made a silly decision to get pregnant in the current situation when your husband works in a hospital. You said you were relying on him reducing his workload. How on earth did either of you think that was possible?

P.S. are there any dads or FILs in the picture? Or is it just women who are meant to run around?

In your situation, with limited childcare places locally and money to throw at the problem, I’d be hiring someone whether an actual nanny or a mothers help.

I’d try agencies (childcare and general care), word of mouth and local churches to see if there was someone to fit the bill. Presumably you’re going to be around, you just need support so will be there to supervise.

I can see this is a long thread with lots of good and mixed advice already so wading in with trepidation...

I think your DH needs to know how much you are struggling and take a firm line in not taking on any extra shifts. Does he do 3 or 4x12hr shifts as standard? He needs to keep to that at the mo.

The days he is at home, he needs to take the load off you. He needs to do basic cleaning whip round. He needs to entertain your little one with an emphasis on going out, so that you don't feel bad for not doing that on your days on your own. He needs to batch cook. And prepare his lunches. And yours, so he can leave you with a packed lunch.

Your mil needs to come when she says she will. An honest conversation is required. If its too much for her to commit to then can she suggest what would for her, so that you can plan around that.

Would she be able to do some cooking for you, that she can do at home and just drop round? G

I get that you're not well. But I don't think it's practical to expect 'cover' 24/7. Could you manage for a few hours, with shorter visits over whatever time of day is most difficult? Mid morning? Babies bedtime?

I wondered if you could tell us @Notabloodychance how far your mothers are having to travel to get to you ?

I reall don't get the situation at all. Why get pregnant again so soon when you did not have the support in place. Your are an adult and it's not your mother or mils job to take care of you. I would think your mil feels the same and thats why she has pulled back. You are asking for a lot if I'm honest. Sometimes you need to put your big girl pants on and grow up. I also don't believe you can't get any paid help whatsoever.

Can you move in with your mum so she doesn't have to travel and she can get stuff done around the house still?

Needs must.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I think you need an honest chat with mil about what help she can commit to giving, so that you know you can rely on her turning up. And quit the home improvements, you dont need it right now.

And another honest chat with your dh. He can't be taking on extra shifts right now. His family need him. On his days at home once he's slept, he needs to keep on top of basic house work, take your little one outside, so you don't feel guilty if you can't on your days on your own, batch cook and make his blummin lunch!

I think you need to work out a way of being self sufficient for a chunk every day. Short visits might work better for your mil and Dm. Have a lunch box yourself and things on hand. Don't feel guilty if the radio or TV is on at that time.

A few months of lower standards all round isn't the end of the world.

Stupid phone, I appear to have posted twice 😑

Your post from the start reminded me of a friend of mine whose husband only got help in the day she went into hospital. He was also a very important doctor.

Why did your husband agree to help you with your pregnancy in the first place?

I am frequently astonished by individuals selfish behaviour and failure to take responsibility for their situation but this is ridiculous.

You chose, chose, when you had a very small 7/8 month baby to get pregnant again when you knew that you had a very high chance of being ill again. And without any existing paid childcare in place.

Well you are an adult and you have to deal with the situation that you created.

It is not your parents or your in-laws responsibility to sort out your mess.

Your husband needs to step up clearly and you need to get paid childcare. It will be expensive but a nanny agency will find you someone for six months.

And you also need to do more. If the medication isn’t getting the hg under control then try something else. And if you are in a situation when it is too risky for you to do anything then actually you should be in hospital.

Otherwise you are going to have to suck it up and get on with it. At under a year child is still napping twice a day so that is two hours out of the twelve hours awake so you need to work out how to get through the other ten. Child that age can be put on the floor with toys and you lie on the sofa - 1hr. Sat in high chair with crayons- 1/2 an hour. Reading stories in bed with neither of you moving 1/2hr. You just need to schedule the day and break it down into chunks,

Your mother and mil isn’t under any obligation to do anything at all. Therefore if they do anything you should appreciate it. In the case of your mil she’s still coming over just not for as long as you would like.

You are an adult, you created this situation, you are responsible for dealing with it.

Just read your updates and I don't understand why you chose to get pregnant when your baby was only 7/8 months old if you were ill in your last pregnancy. Surely you realised it could happen again and that it wouldn't be manageable with such a young baby.

You need to get childcare. I'm sure there's somewhere that can offer a place, even if it's 3 afternoons a week. Or a childminder. Or a nanny.

I'm sorry to rub salt in the wound as what's done is done, but it seems you did no preparations at all for this pregnancy. You had no back up plan other than to ask your mums round to help.

I agree with PP. You both need to grow up. DH needs to lessen work and you need to try harder to find childcare.

Sitters cover the whole country.

Sign up and book a daytime babysitter for half the day and you do the rest.

You need to take responsibility for this situation as you created it

Hospital might be the best option tbh.
Alternatively get some paid help. If you offer 50% higher wages than normal you will of course find somebody to help you.

I became a lone parent with HG and no local family support. It was hard. Very hard. I had to be creative in occupying and looking after a toddler and keeping on top of everything. I had to try a few different medications. I had to lower my standards. But we got through it.

If I was in your position I would consider going to hospital if offered again though. A day or two on the right meds and a fluid drip and you might find you are feeling much more robust!

Right... I have slightly different views.
It is very kind of your DM and DMIL to help but it isn't their problem.
It's yours.
You and DH have probably been v overoptimistic and taken on a large house, in a very rural area, and a 2nd pregnancy during a pandemic, with prevailing health conditions. There is no slack in this situation. None. Either you both expected that other people would just pick up the shortfall for you or you are both bad at realising how much more you've bitten off than you can chew. Far too much.
Take responsibility.
There's very feeble comments about how au-pair etc wouldn't be interested in living in your area, which basically means that you don't want one. Why not? Really, why not?
Imagine that you are feeling this sick - and then get worse but there's no DM or MIL to bail you out.
You are choosing this situation. You really are. DH isn't being that helpful but really, you haven't explored any options to get paid help (rather than free labour)

@eightxmaspaws has got it spot on

OP I'm sorry so many are blaming you for daring to decide to have another child! You're definitely not selfish or irresponsible, you couldn't have predicted this pickle you're in and it's not your fault. Many of your issues can't be resolved by you, it's a matter of timing (i.e. waiting for a nursery, getting stable childcare from DM/MIL etc). The only thing you can change is what's in your control. I was sick as a dog with 2/5 pregnancies and the only thing that I found helped was finding a routine and making a back up plan. The routine changed day to day depending on how sick I was but it was good to have a vague idea of what was going on. DS1 had his food and BF routine that we stuck to as much as possible (he was 10-15 months when I was sick and coped fine with having a few weird meal times). The back up plan was 2 baskets- one for our bedroom and one for the downstairs that contained toys, DVDs, books and crayons and paper. When I was sick or unable to do anything to entertain DS1, the magical basket came out from under the bed and he had free reign of anything in there. I'd stick a DVD on and leave him to it on the carpet in front of me and he was happy as larry playing independently and rolling around. Try and get cheat ways of entertaining your DC when you're unable to. When you have a bit of energy or time try to prep some snacks or components of meals. We kept snacks and drinks in a mini fridge in our bedroom so there was no need to leave the safe cocoon! Good Luck OP