Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

Yes I think you are right that the OP spelled out in her first thread that the “lot on her plate” for her mum = looking after dad with cancer. It has been referred to by others in this thread too but not the OP so if you were just reading OP’s updates you’d have missed it.

Even if dad didn’t have cancer though I’m not sure he would deserve to be sworn at for not being willing in his later years to care for OP’s baby on a regular basis for 6 months. Surely he has a choice in the matter?

And her mum looks after an elderly relative I think.

Even if dad didn’t have cancer though I’m not sure he would deserve to be sworn at for not being willing in his later years to care for OP’s baby on a regular basis for 6 months. Surely he has a choice in the matter?

Absolutely, but I also found OP's criticism of her MIL for not helping at the exact specified times compared to her statement that her DF 'can't deal with small children' grating, and there's quite often an assumption that women are obligated to care for grandchildren and help their adult children, but men aren't.

@Katrinawaves

Yes I think you are right that the OP spelled out in her first thread that the “lot on her plate” for her mum = looking after dad with cancer. It has been referred to by others in this thread too but not the OP so if you were just reading OP’s updates you’d have missed it.

Even if dad didn’t have cancer though I’m not sure he would deserve to be sworn at for not being willing in his later years to care for OP’s baby on a regular basis for 6 months. Surely he has a choice in the matter?

@Katrinawaves given that I’m taking OP at face value - that she is having a very difficult pregnancy, and her mother is struggling with the support she has to provide - then yes, I actually do think it would be a pretty poor showing from him as a father and as a husband not to lighten the load.

I think when you decide to have children, you have a lifelong responsibility towards them (and they really destroy that responsibility with their actions) and I think you also have a responsibility to your wife.

It’s personal opinion how far that responsibility goes - but I personally think over a short period of 6 months, some babysitting is not a big ask.

But - it’s a moot point in this case! As OP was disingenuous in her comment about his lack of help, and from other posters here, it seems that how much support she needs shouldn’t be taken at face value!

It just seemed to me - at face value - wrong that MIL was the recipient of the complaint for being unreliable, when OP’s own father (who surely would want to support even more than a MIL!) was completely off the hook!

Grandparents aren’t obliged to help with grandchildren, regardless of female/male. So I don’t see how it’s sexist not to berate FIL not helping. OP is relying on her parents and in-laws too much. I missed the cancer care part too.

This isn’t some babysitting. This is a rota of 7-8 hours a day 7 days a week.

And there is a massive backstory that the op hasn’t mentioned.

What is the backstory?

@Saz12

Grandparents aren’t obliged to help with grandchildren, regardless of female/male. So I don’t see how it’s sexist not to berate FIL not helping. OP is relying on her parents and in-laws too much. I missed the cancer care part too.

@Saz12 you didn’t miss the cancer point - it’s not on this thread.

It’s not sexist to not berate a father for not providing care help for his daughter.
It is sexist (from the OP) to complain that MIL isn’t providing care, whilst just casually saying that her father just basically doesn’t do kids. It’s sexist to expect MIL and mother to provide care, whilst accepting that your husband and father don’t, without the same level of complaint.

But as I say - it’s a moot point, as OP has name changed and posters other than us clearly know much more of the back story here!

Even without the back story, it doesn't sound like the OP and her husband put a lot of thought into reliable child care just in case. I am sure they knew DM and MIL would be there to pick up the load.

MN should really ban NC for every post

Totally agree re: husband being utterly useless and really don’t get why he’s not stepping up!

@Saz12

Totally agree re: husband being utterly useless and really don’t get why he’s not stepping up!

How is supposed to take time off work when he is a aneathetist in the middle of a covid epidemic. Honestly MN seems to think some men are miracle workers.

He doesn't have to be a miracle worker, family emergencies arise all the time even for NHS workers in the middle of a pandemic. It's clear his wife isn't coping either through medical need or lack of coping skills (I've never had HG so don't know the full impact) and the help she is currently receiving from very helpful family is not enough as is clearly a strain on them and their other commitments too. Therefore he needs to take some emergency leave entitlement (as outlined by other posters above) to hell put things in place. I can't believe there are no cleaners available in your local area or who wouldn't take a premium to travel slightly further. Childcare may be more difficult but as you're looking for in house care I would lower my standards a little bit as you will be presented if needed. Get a home shopping delivery or click and collect that your husband can get, and slightly amend your choices to create easier meals eg, pasta, pizza, ready meals, frozen options, jars rather than scratch. If you are finding help difficult to pay for look at your income/outgoing and cut some non-essential stuff like Spotify, Netflix and Amazon prime, these will add up over the month and give you some spare cash. Make your life as easy as possible first, focus on the things that can't be ignored like childcare then work out where you need help like cleaning (cleaner) and shopping (online or click and collect) and food prep (buy easier meals). You're already receiving a lot of help from family, I think it's time you really did outsource it with he'll from you husband who should take some time off to facilitate this.

@bruffin

Thought he was a surgeon?

Is this allowed? To out name changers and drop massive hints to previous user names?
Seems a bit wrong to do this whatever your opinion is.

@Tulipshoots

Is this allowed? To out name changers and drop massive hints to previous user names? Seems a bit wrong to do this whatever your opinion is.

That's usually true, however this op (if it is a previous op, and not one with a remarkably similar background) makes little effort to hide their previous... stories. In fact, more than one of their previous incarnations have been deleted whilst 'MNHQ takes a look behind the scenes'. I think its fair warning for those who aren't so aware that they may* be some billy-bullshitting going on.

*I am aware that may not be the case here. Doesn’t hurt to always be aware that not everything you read on the Internet is true though.

It just seems a bit of a pathetic thing to do, backstory of not.

Or

There’s a bit of back story to my post but less than some seem to think I’ve NC to post about this situation/pregnancy but there’s no big history before that. Afraid that might disappoint some.

My original post a few weeks ago was jumped on for ‘oh there’s this huge backstory’ and totally derailed < not envy! So I just gave up and left it.

MN put up a ‘taking it down whilst we look behind the scenes’ which I assume they did.
I also assume they saw I’m a regular contributor under my usual username, and non trouble maker as nothing was done.

Sigh. It’s weird because I talk about my circumstances a fair bit on threads under my usual username and no one ever jumps on them or plays Sherlock but the moment I NC it’s like miss marple and the case of the bored mumsnetters!

• I did tweak dates slightly and one or two non significant detail changes specifically to avoid it being derailed again like last time. I actually wanted help/advice (which I’m super grateful to have got btw and am already working on to try and resolve my situation- drafting up some childcare adverts and got a lead on a potential nursery spot for January!!!) not just to get totally derailed again by mouse detectives

@Notabloodychance

* I did tweak dates slightly and one or two non significant detail changes specifically to avoid it being derailed again like last time. I actually wanted help/advice (which I’m super grateful to have got btw and am already working on to try and resolve my situation- drafting up some childcare adverts and got a lead on a potential nursery spot for January!!!) not just to get totally derailed again by mouse detectives

You should be allowed to post under a namechange without some over invested posters tracking you and hinting at your other names.

You’ve left out some relevant information that was key to your previous plea for sympathy. I doubt anyone’s stalking you, I personally remember being stunned by the entitlement of your last thread, don’t remember the username you used for it and knew it was the same person from a quick scan of this one.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’ve left out some relevant information that was key to your previous plea for sympathy. I doubt anyone’s stalking you, I personally remember being stunned by the entitlement of your last thread, don’t remember the username you used for it and knew it was the same person from a quick scan of this one.

I saw that someone posted something irrelevant to the thread a few posts back that was clearly an attempt to give a previous username. So I do think that some people stalk. It’s a bit of a low thing to do and I have no skin in this game.

No doubt lots of other protesters at not stalking will emerge but there are some odd people around who enjoy that sort of thing.

How rural are you OP? Do you drive? Do you not have a nursery you could drive to.

Have you looked on childcare.co.uk? It’s a fab site. I hope you find some help.

I think it's more the issue that you continuously post about how terrible your situation is, change your name when you don't get the responses you want, and nothing ever changes. So it's frustrating. Why bother namechanging? You have a compulsion to mention your partner's career, and it's just so obvious! Therefore people automatically make the connection and roll their eyes, because you've had a load of good advice but then wriggle back with the same problems reconfigured a month later...