Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

Sadly I think it’s unlikely that she will have a job to go back to.

some people seem to know a lot about other people and their job. OP has been on Mat leave, now signed off sick with pregnancy related illness. She may well go back at some point or she won't. Totally legit. It happens that women have babies and difficult pregnancies, you know?

Thousands of women go back to work every year after having children to different employers than the ones they previously worked for. Whether or not her employer keeps her role open for her isn’t determinative of her future working life and she may not even be planning to return to work for a while due to costs of two children’s childcare.

Some of the most recent posts are very unpleasant and unnecessary

But op needs money now not 2 years time whether she goes to work in 2 years now. My point was to People who think her dh can go part time and still pay the bills when us in a short term contract

Your priority needs to be your DH to keep his job. You just have to make things as simple as you can at home if no more help is forthcoming. I dont understand why you decided to have another baby so soon under the circumstances.

How are you suggesting your husband is selfish? He is working under extremely difficult circumstances, saving lives and earning money to keep you and your soon to be two children housed, clothed and fed. He can't work full time and be a constant carer for you. He doesn't even have time to make a lunch! I think you need to think of it from his perspective.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

Both massively unreasonable getting pregnant with an under one already knowing you would (very likely) need such extensive help from outsiders. If number two was so important you could have waited until dc1 was older and more independent. So so selfish.

Yep unfortunately I agree with all of this. You knew there was a good chance you’d be very ill again so you thought you’d try for a second when you have an 8 month old, during a pandemic? You’re reaping what you sowed here

I agree and I have to say the way the op is immediately thinking to get the grannies a big present doesn’t seem very mature.

The grannies don’t want a big present. They want the op and her DH to sort their own stuff out.

It’s just such a terrible set of decisions and the op is all breezy and not appreciating the actual level of what she’s asking and the changes she and her DH will need to make.

The baby they have is so young. There’s going to be 15 months or so between the two children if my maths from her previous threads is right. And that is HARD. You can’t sit feeling sorry for yourself all day with a newborn and a young toddler.

Or even worse two toddlers.

The op needs to find a way to get up and get on. Herself. Without having help for 7 plus hours 7 days a week.

Found this thread when looking for one on au pairs. God, people can be horrible. You’ve taken all the criticism very calmly. It would have upset me.

I’m 34 weeks with my second and the first 20 weeks were horrendous. Terrible first pregnancy. It got MUCH better and I’ve even able to take our 23 month out of nursery to be safe.

Good luck. Like you said - pregnancy doesn’t last forever.

I think all the criticism for the most part has been fair. It wasn’t a wide decision to get pregnant but there’s not point in banging on about it.

You need to stop replying on your MIL and DM for childcare. That’s not their role.