Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

Are your dh shifts typical for a surgeon at his level? Or is he taking on more to earn more / be out of the house more?

Are you far from his work? Is the commute contributing? Does he work 5 days and have 2 off each week?

How is he managing without eating for 12 hours? Why isn't he buying lunch?

@justkeepswimming2020

Yes. A few weeks ago. I’m really trying to resolve it as don’t want to be one of those posters who goes round and round in circles not getting anywhere. I’m a regular MN and get frustrated at those situations.

Just feels like I can’t win.

Can’t get paid help.
Can’t get childminder/nursery.
Feel shit and selfish toward MIL/DM
DH can’t help
Feel shit and selfish for not looking after this baby better.

Spoke to midwife today and she was very much ‘you need to be taking it easy; not doing heavy lifting...etc’ and I’m like I can’t even really ‘just get on with it’ will no doubt be told I’m risking this baby.

Can’t win

I’m an NHS surgeon. DH could take unpaid carers leave. Is he a trainee? If so he should speak to his TPD. He will be allowed to take leave.

there is a lot of anger in your post directed at MIL.

you got pregnant knowing that you are likely to get very ill again. it wasn't some accident but planned. I don't understand why you are so cross with MIL. It was your and DH's decision to go get pregnant again.

I don't have the solution but your issue is not unreliable childcare but making unwise choices (you could have e.g. waited until DC1 is at least in nursery or school) and expectating others to pick up the slack.

your DH needs to help out more. Annual leave, unpaid leave....

I found a local girl that had just graduated by advertising for a babysitter on the bubble app as I was desperate for help whilst I was WFH. She turned out to be great and did ad hoc babysitting for me for a few months when the nurseries reopened. I would try a babysitting app or put an ad in the local shop for a babysitter.

An exhausted surgeon, working 12 hour shifts with no food? That sounds safe...

If you get admitted to hospital your DH will have to take time off. He'd be far better taking it now while you organise some help.
I really don't believe there is no childcare whatsoever available. Have you advertised or asked around other than phoning the local nurseries? Are there any nurseries or childminders near DH's hospital? Emergency nannies? I understand you're ill so probably aren't up to doing it but your DH needs to.
Your mum isn't struggling because your MIL isn't stepping up, she's struggling because your DH isn't stepping up. If this has been going on for weeks already and you haven't put anything else in place she's likely to be feeling a bit put-upon. There's a big difference between offering to help short term in an emergency and being expected to keep doing it (to a strict timetable) for 9 months.
I really hope you start feeling better soon.

Our mortgage isn’t crazy high but could probably reduce by £250 per month. I’m not sure I could handle a house move I’d much rather hire some help if I can find it.

There is a girl on our street who babysits a lot. She’s late teens though and not overly baby experienced so would no doubt need a lot of help from me. I also think her parents might have stopped her doing it due to us being in tier 3 but I’m tempted to stick a note through the door.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He’s not taking on more to earn more but has been taking on more due to colleagues needing to isolate. Lots of kids with temps/coughs causing rota issues (even though they test them pretty fast). I understand he wants to help out but do get frustrated with our current situation.

@olympicsrock
He’s on a fixed term contact atm I think it’s trust grade or something like that. Seems to think he can’t take time off easily. Not sure he’s told them I’m pregnant even. He’s not got a direct boss so no real obvious chain of communication.

Sounds silly but I feel like his work life is very separate from me and I don’t often understand it.

who is actually looking after DC1 during the day?

@Sanchi

there is a lot of anger in your post directed at MIL.

you got pregnant knowing that you are likely to get very ill again. it wasn't some accident but planned. I don't understand why you are so cross with MIL. It was your and DH's decision to go get pregnant again.

I don't have the solution but your issue is not unreliable childcare but making unwise choices (you could have e.g. waited until DC1 is at least in nursery or school) and expectating others to pick up the slack.

your DH needs to help out more. Annual leave, unpaid leave....

Agree with all of this until the last sentence

OP has already said DH can't take unpaid leave because otherwise the mortgage won't get paid

There is lots of unemployment at the moment I imagine even worse in rural areas - I'd be advertising for a housekeeper type role to give you a hand and take whatever you can get

Don't feel shit about having to rely on family and to me it sounds like your doing your best in a extremely tough situation.

Keep investigating its worth speaking to a few agencies you would be surprised where people will accept work especially at the moment.
Also try your local Facebook mums group they honestly are gold mines for childminders contact details who rarely need to advertise as always booked but the mums groups always seem to have the contact details for them!

Your doing fab in an extremely tough situation and make life easy for yourself! Slow cooker recipes, fish fingers and peas is a perfectly good meal and vacuuming can wait!

OP has already said DH can't take unpaid leave because otherwise the mortgage won't get paid

if she is admitted he will have to take time off to look after DC1. They must have knows this is a possibility and have a plan B.

@Noti23

Exhausted yes. He does often get a packed lunch just never does it himself. I will throw crisps/biscuits in a bag for him or one of the mums will pack him something.

If we don’t he’ll go without though it does happen. I was just demonstrating how thinly stretched he is/incapable of doing more.

I don’t mean to make excuses for him. Maybe it sounds like I am. Should I be demanding he does more? Cuts down on hours...etc. I feel unreasonable doing it. Everyone around us is very pro DH and how wonderful it is what he’s doing. I support the NHS too but do resent it!

Both massively unreasonable getting pregnant with an under one already knowing you would (very likely) need such extensive help from outsiders. If number two was so important you could have waited until dc1 was older and more independent. So so selfish.

I don’t mean to make excuses for him. Maybe it sounds like I am.

sounds like you do. And he as well. You said you are not even sure he has spoken to work and discussed the situation. you said he 'seems to think' he cannot take time off easily. Doesn't sound like he asked at all. Given your situation I would want to know why given that you are really unwell (in part because of him) and have a baby to look after. where is he in all this?

Maybe get in touch with local college some time the girls on childcare courses need to do work experience maybe able to help

have you looked into a nanny?

I think it's unfair he has basically opted out of your life and is leaving your mums to pick up the pieces and even pack him a lunch. He knew the winter pressures of the NHS and covid when you decided to have another pregnancy, and he knew that you would likely need his support. Yes the NHS is on its knees, but to be fair, when isn't it? He's picking up extra hours to help out the rota and isolating colleagues and you're not even sure he's highlighted to bosses how unwell you are or asked for any leave to try and find a solution. Living rurally is not a reason to have no luck finding support, with enough space and an ensuite room you just need to pay someone enough. He needs to take 3 days emergency leave and focus on finding a solution, whether that's a live in nanny/au pair/nursery, or if there's really no solution other than your mum doing it all, whether that is a fair ask or whether you do need to consider your options with regards to the pregnancy. He needs to know that those are his only options, leaving you in bed to cope for the next 26 weeks is not an option he has

I'm an NHS medic. I think your husband is slightly exaggerating his own importance there. Yes, it's busy, but no one needs to work 12 hour shifts every single day. That's ridiculous. He would be perfectly within his remit to work his contracted hours. The NHS stopped running on the goodwill of its staff a long time ago.

If you need him at home, put your foot down. I suspect he rather likes being at work for whatever reason and is using it as an excuse

I would honestly throw money at the problem and advertise for a short term live in housekeeper/nanny and take the pressure off your DM/DMIL and DH and allow you to get through the days and get some rest.
I felt very unwell during my second pregnancy with a 4 year old older child, I can't imagine it with an 11 month old, you have my sympathy.

I’d bloody get admitted to hospital for a break If was you - then he won’t have a choice but to sort out some sort out childcare!!

There's a thread running at the moment about how men are put on pedastals and women put up with far far too much shit. Your dh is truly expecting all the women in his life to pick up all his pieces whilst he revels in admiration due to his job.

You decided to have two babies close together, its not your mum or mother in laws problem

Oh god OP I really feel for you. This was me not long ago, violently unwell, with an 18 month old. Thankfully it was mostly during the first lockdown and DH was furloughed, otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.

I’m sorry you’re so stuck. Can you sit everyone down together this weekend (or via FaceTime/Zoom/Teams or whatever) and have a proper conversation about the plan going forward? There might be some tension and you probably all need to clear the air somewhat as I’m sure there is frustration from all parties. Yes it’s a bit shit for DM and (less so) MIL but it is for a finite amount of time. You won’t be sick forever. Also, I’d be phoning every nursery and childminder locally and begging for any sessions they can offer you. When it looked like DH might go back to work, I considered hiring a ‘mother’s help’ type person (probably a student) to come and entertain the toddler - take him in the garden, read books, play games etc. and/or do a bit of laundry/cleaning whilst he napped. Maybe this could be an option?

I’m not sure if or how Home-Start are operating during covid but they are an organisation of volunteers who help young families. It is worth contacting your local organisation to see if they are able to offer any support.

You must be feeling rotten and clearly everything has got on top of you!

One option: DH takes either unpaid leave, or more realistically reduced hours, and you take a full or part mortgage holiday to cover the shortfall. Speak to your bank, most people are offered 3 to 6 month mortgage holiday if they’re otherwise up-to-date with repayments. If DH can reduce hours to a 3-day week then that leaves much less time for your poor mother/ MIL to cover. If he’s out the house 7am to 7pm 5 days then (sorry!) it doesn’t sound that insane, surely he can make his lunch and some things for you & DC at same time. It does sound like his job is a bit of a mystery to you, maybe spending more time together is a good idea anyway.

Use the babysitter from down the road. If she lacks baby experience you’ll be in the house anyway, and after a couple weeks she’ll be up to speed. If she can’t help, ask her if she knows someone else who might. Is there someone whose kids are at school who could come in around school hours? Or someone who has a child, but no childcare, who they could bring along? It might not be your ideal, but you’ve no choice as it sounds like the current situation can continue.

Tell MIL how much you appreciate her help. But ask her not to arrange for any more deliveries or work in the house as you know see how much help your asking for without her adding more. Get DH to tell her the same. She’s proud of her son, but maybe the “DH career comes first” is from a POV of your need for financial stability.

Ask your mum how much she would be happy doing. Maybe one part day?