Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

@Tulipshoots

Is this allowed? To out name changers and drop massive hints to previous user names? Seems a bit wrong to do this whatever your opinion is.

Exactly. It’s a bit mean and it perhaps speaks more of them than OP

Hope you get a nursery spot from January. This post gave great advice for someone near bed bound
Today 11:21Barmyfarmy

"Many of your issues can't be resolved by you, it's a matter of timing (i.e. waiting for a nursery, getting stable childcare from DM/MIL etc). The only thing you can change is what's in your control. I was sick as a dog with 2/5 pregnancies and the only thing that I found helped was finding a routine and making a back up plan. The routine changed day to day depending on how sick I was but it was good to have a vague idea of what was going on. DS1 had his food and BF routine that we stuck to as much as possible (he was 10-15 months when I was sick and coped fine with having a few weird meal times). The back up plan was 2 baskets- one for our bedroom and one for the downstairs that contained toys, DVDs, books and crayons and paper. When I was sick or unable to do anything to entertain DS1, the magical basket came out from under the bed and he had free reign of anything in there. I'd stick a DVD on and leave him to it on the carpet in front of me and he was happy as larry playing independently and rolling around. Try and get cheat ways of entertaining your DC when you're unable to. When you have a bit of energy or time try to prep some snacks or components of meals. We kept snacks and drinks in a mini fridge in our bedroom so there was no need to leave the safe cocoon!"
From experience a small fridge in the room really helped (my DH stocked it with treats and snacks). I think most adults can do this ( and get themselves a lunch/trip to the canteen!). I think find out what help DM and DMIL can do ( make sure your DM does not over stretch herself). I do think if they choose certain times etc then expecting them to be there is acceptable ( for me I find being unreliable an annoying years). Deliveries and things like recarpeting/decorating are completely inappropriate in your situation. Did you get much say in the house ( I would want to live near to schools etc for playdates when older and your DH is out of the house for circa 12hours a day but how much of that is commuting?).

Oops should be "I find being unreliable an annoying trait".
Also is your DH's job a permanent contract and is he fully trained consultant? He maybe taking less time of if he wants to complete his training/ get a permanent contract if he is worried about financial commitments ( esp. mortgage). Do you plan to return to work?

"Less time off"

@Steroidsandantidepressants

It’s easy for him to say a lot. Agree. Say he gets it.

Look at his actions.

He was bloody useless the last time you were pregnant and kept promising to change. And he didn’t.

He also pushed you to move to the big house in the country.

You used to live in a city, and in a student area. You’d have been set for help and babysitters.

At the same time. You are completely passive and expect to be lifted and laid.

You need to grow up. Fast. Part of being a functioning adult is having proper discussions and making sensible decisions.

You and he don’t do that.

Two babies so close together in a pandemic when he’s a doctor on a short term contract with no stability and you get HG was quite frankly not very sensible.

Yes. Parents will help. But 7+ hours a day 7 days a week not counting how far they have to travel to get to you? Come on. That is a piss take.

Time to woman up.

Order meal box things like hello fresh.

Get dinner a la ping from Marks and Sparks. Won’t be great but won’t kill you.

Go get a medication review from your GP.

Talk to your HV and mid wife and see what help they can provide.

Contact the local college of fe and see if they can put you in touch with childcare students for babysitting?

There’s loads you could do.

And if living in The Big House in the country isn’t working, move.

Can you drive and do you have a car of your own?

THIS.

What is the actual help you need? You say your unwell on medication. What are you actually able to do and what can't you do?

If you tell us this people can then give advice on what help is best. There are also quite a few of us have posted on this thread who have been poorly in pregnancy and can give you practical advice.

Have you looked at nursery’s and childminders recently? Due to Covid quite a few round us that have a years wait list normally have spaces currently. Definitely worth double checking

My next name will be DinneràlaPing

Take a mortgage holiday. Your husband should try to take 4 weeks unpaid leave and then maybe try to go back on less hours for a few weeks (so no overtime).

Your mum could take your child to her house for a few hours on her days? Your dad can surely cope with that length of time. That's just lunch, a little walk and a movie.

I’m feeling in a much better headspace today. Honestly I think all of the genuinely helpful and sensible replies have made me feel much less trapped. I feel like I have a bit of a plan and options to explore. I’d gotten so down and consumed by feeling sorry for myself!

Plan:

• Ring Dr/clinic today and reassess meds. Maybe I can try something new? Maybe a combination I’ve not tried yet.
• Advertise for a nanny on the sites you’ve mentioned. Also email the nursery nearby to follow up expressing interest in that possible place.
• Get out of the house! I do tend to manage a reasonable couple of hours on a morning. I am getting out today! A quick walk, anything!
• DH told me last night he’s had week after next approved as holiday!!!!!! Best Christmas present ever. We should be able to manage to Jan now on just a few more days help here and there! MIL and DM both happy to do this- have told them it will not continue into January! I will sort something out if it kills me.
• Have a serious chat to DH about his hours and see what can reasonably be done to cut back. I don’t think DH is a bad or intentionally selfish man. I do think he doesn’t prioritise well. I think he is asked to cover shifts and feels huge pressure to do it because ‘it’s covid times and we need to pull together’ I also think he doesn’t speak up for himself. Like when that other Dr didn’t turn up he just sort of accepts it whilst I would have been telling them ‘I have to leave in 30/60 mins whether you find cover or not’.
• Order MIL/DM really really nice thank you gifts. Given we’ve saved so much on childcare I think we can stand to push the boat out and get them something really lovely!

You really do need to be more honest on here.

Your mum told you weeks ago the help you were asking wasn’t sustainable and she told you why. She has other more immediate demands on her time.

I’m glad you’ve got a plan, but it isn’t rocket science. You should have figured that out for yourself.

You and your DH need to sit down and talk it through properly with realistic expectations. Your baby is very young and you’re pregnant again so he will have to pull his weight - even if only on his days off.

And you do know that the job he’s doing matters in terms of context because it makes a difference. He’s also not got a permanent contract so I can totally understand why he takes extra shifts.

Good luck.

I would put notes through local doors saying you’re unwell at the moment and looking to employ someone to do a mix of cleaning and baby sitting and to pass your details on if you know of anyone who might be interested.

www.home-start.org.uk/

Have a look and see if there's a local homestart near you. Your situation is the type of case that they take on. Providing practical support for parents of young kids. Pre covid, it used to be a trained volunteer (usually ex health visitors or early yrs staff) providing support at home. Could be playing with toddler, ironing or cooking etc & providing companionship to isolated parents.

In terms of food, could your dh take left overs or a ready meal to heat up. If he's overworking & not eating properly, he's heading for burnout.

Do you think living rurally with young kids and a difficult pregnancy is a good idea? I was so isolated (we're not rural) with my 2 and I had a difficult 2nd pregnancy. I was craving adult conversation and all the baby groups were on the other side of town.

Also can you go stay with your mother in law two days a week.

I wouldn’t be hard on your DH at the moment. It’s a national crisis and it’s difficult for everyone at the moment

Also try contacting local colleges as they will have young drivers with spare time. If there are any care courses it might be worth emailing course leaders and asking if they can give your details out. There will be students who live rurally and who have traveled for the course

The best gift you could give your DM and DMIL is getting yourself a childcare solution that doesn't rely so heavily on them. Upthread money appeared to be a barrier to getting the care you needed - focus all your efforts on getting the paid support in place - then you can think about Christmas presents.

I am glad things appear to be looking up.

@justchecking1

I'm an NHS medic. I think your husband is slightly exaggerating his own importance there. Yes, it's busy, but no one needs to work 12 hour shifts every single day. That's ridiculous. He would be perfectly within his remit to work his contracted hours. The NHS stopped running on the goodwill of its staff a long time ago.

If you need him at home, put your foot down. I suspect he rather likes being at work for whatever reason and is using it as an excuse

Exactly this. I have two close friends who are consultant anaesthetists at out local “red” hospital . One has two children and the other three.

So more senior that your husband , much more involved with Covid patients that a trainee surgeon and have more kids. Neither of them work 12 hours a day seven days a week - they do their shifts and come home and look after their own children.

Your husband sounds extremely self important and not very truthful. Like PP I suspect he doesn't enjoy being a father and is happy passing on his workload to his mother and MIL.

I don’t believe he’s required to be at work 12 hours a day 7 days a week. He’s either there dodging work at home or he’s seeing someone else in his spare time.

Whatever - what he’s doing right now is not on - it’s unfair on you all and completely selfish.

What would happen if you got divorced - when would he see his children?

If he can’t cope with working full time and fulfilling his family responsibilities then he needs to go part time - plenty parents do this, it’s perfectly possible whatever he tells you. You can Move somewhere nearer the city and cheaper.

Thsi will also make it easier fir you to get childcare for when you go back to work.

If he can’t cope with working full time and fulfilling his family responsibilities then he needs to go part time
And where is the money to come from to pay the bills and mortgage,. Op will not even be going back to work as she will be practically on consecutive maternity leaves

Her husband isn’t a surgeon. Or even a trainee surgeon.

Which is an important change. The job he does is v much more involved with Covid patients.

This is what was explained in the last thread that I remember.

And also. He’s not got a permanent job. His job is a short term contract. And the op isn’t at work and hasn’t been since she got pregnant with the first baby.

So all the pressure to earn the money is on him.

Shortest day is 12 hours from leaving to getting back (if he finishes on time which he often doesn’t) he’s an NHS surgeon

So is this not true OP?

And why have you not been at work since you got pregnant ? Are your employers keeping your job open for you?

And why have you not been at work since you got pregnant ? Are your employers keeping your job open for you?

I was signed off for the whole of my second pregnancy. I ended up not working for the best part of 2 years by the time I'd had my maternity leave.

@NerrSnerr

And why have you not been at work since you got pregnant ? Are your employers keeping your job open for you?

I was signed off for the whole of my second pregnancy. I ended up not working for the best part of 2 years by the time I'd had my maternity leave.

But this is the Ops second pregnancy, back to back and her baby is 11 months, So if she’s been off work for the first one, that already 20 months. If she has say 6 months to go plus 12 months maternity leave, that’s 38 months, more that 3 years.

Sadly I think it’s unlikely that she will have a job to go back to.

Which would be pretty foolish given that her husband / partner has so little interest or concern about her and his child. It doesn't bode well for their relationship lasting - it seems like he has checked out of family life.

It’s also pretty risky if he doesn't even have a permanent job.