Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

I agree. You’re asking too much of your mothers. It’s not fair. You and your DH made the choice to have another baby at this time. You and DH need to grow up and sort it out.

What hospital makes a surgeon do operations on 5 hours sleep? That’s ridiculously dangerous. I hope his bosses are aware of how little sleep he’s getting.

She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week

This from the op made my jaw drop.

So there is no day of the week at all that you and your DH look after your own child between the two of you.

That is absolutely taking the utter piss clean out of your mothers and asking way too much in terms of help.

Mil is perfectly entitled to come over and help if and when it suits her. It’s not a fucking contract of employment. And she’s not your paid help.

I’d be telling you to do one of you had a go at me. And see how you like them apples.

@justchecking1

I'm an NHS medic. I think your husband is slightly exaggerating his own importance there. Yes, it's busy, but no one needs to work 12 hour shifts every single day. That's ridiculous. He would be perfectly within his remit to work his contracted hours. The NHS stopped running on the goodwill of its staff a long time ago.

If you need him at home, put your foot down. I suspect he rather likes being at work for whatever reason and is using it as an excuse

Yep - another NHS medic (who also had horrific HG) saying your DH is the problem here.

He is entitled to, and needs to use his annual leave.

He us not legally required to work over his contracted hours. He is choosing to. He may feel under a lot if pressure to work over them, but he doesn't have to.

As a surgeon he has a lot of power here. He is not going to face unemployment and destitution by getting a grip and supporting his wife.

You need to sit him down and have a proper discussion with him.

Also are you properly medicated? Are you on Ondansetron? If not, GET SOME.

HG is all about survival. You just need to survive this. As a family. Also I think it is related to husbands sperm, so it's basically his fault anyway.

@CommunistLegoBloc they most certainly are. Me and my husband both work in theatres contracted to 7.30-6pm however haven’t been coming home till 9pm most nights! We are under extreme pressure to catchup on the work the nhs delayed!
Your husband will be under pressure, it’s not just operating but ward rounds and clinics to work around.

I think you’ve both been selfish tbh & haven’t thought this through. You need to find childcare or a way to get through this.

Having said all that. It’s hard with two small ones (I have 15 months between two of mine) and it was hard hard work. You’re going to have to find your big girl pants at some point and start to do things for yourself. There will be other times you feel like death and have to carry on.

This is an (even) blunter version of what I said in my earlier post, and I agree, shit as it is. I don't think it's likely that when the midwife said that you must take things easy she meant 'or you'll lose the baby' - you'd be on bed rest and they'd have been very clear about it if that's what she meant, she meant for your sake. And with every will in the world, you can't take things all that easy if you have a baby. I had a meeting about my SPD the other day where we talked about all the things I shouldn't do, I pointed out that loads of them were things I have to do for my toddler, we talked about mitigations but also ultimately I have to accept that I'm in more pain and have to carry on through it more than with my first pregnancy because I can't have all the rest and relaxation I had then; I wouldn't have dreamt of lugging about something weighing two stone while in the last few weeks of the third trimester in my first pregnancy but it's not an option this time round to not lift up DS!

@Daisy95 not in our local trust, but fair enough. Anyway, this OP is well known and so are her husband's antics. You can bet your bottom dollar this has nothing to do with workload and everything to do with avoidance.

Having had a high risk pregnancy and hyperemesis, I think it was incredibly short sighted and naive to get pregnant in a pandemic knowing your ohs work situation and with such a young child who should be having lots of your attention.

As harsh as it is, I think that really you're gonna have to suck it up more than you are and get on with it more yourself. You made the decision to continue, you're the sahp and unfortunately in a pandemic a doctor/surgeon is very much needed.

I would request a medication review. And maybe you need to have a look at what you could do planning for those things you struggle with consistently. For example, perhaps the DM and mil doing jobs that are particularly strenuous twice a week, but you manage everything else.

It will be hard, but it's now unreasonable to expect this level support to continue for the next 26 weeks! And your mum has already expressed concerns.

I suffered from awful hg in both my pregnancies but we went into it the second time with our eyes open. We don't have family help so we keep our eldest in nursery 4 days a week and of course my husband had to take time off when I was in hospital. It was awful but I couldn't have done it without a supportive husband.

I think you need to pay for help. Nursery, au pair or something. It's not fair on your mum and MIL to put it all on them.

I would also look at getting your current baby onto bottle/cup during the day. The fact that you are still BF means you can’t ask your mothers to take the baby out for the day and also, if you do end up in hospital , which you seem to think is likely, it will make things easier.

I know this isn’t ideal, I understand that, but it’s something that might make things a little easier for the people you are asking so much of.

Dh is being a martyr to his job but leaving you ill at home with a young baby. Try teenager help. Lots of young people looking for hours. You would be in house together so able to advise/ keep an eye on how it was going. I think if your DH can do surgery he is capable of making a sandwich or going to the canteen. I think this is a perfect example of wife work. I can't imagine it would occur to your other half to provide you with a dinner if roles were reversed. I think talk to your husband, tell him how it is not working and make a new plan. On the plus side you have got through the first third. Only 2 thirds to go. Good Luck

It was a selfish decision OP. If I recall correctly from your previous posts, you decided recently to move rurally and start TTC in covid, knowing that there was a very high chance you were going to end up feeling ill already with another baby.

You clearly know this though and you can’t change what’s already happened.

You need to stop depending on MIL/M. They’ve already raised children and they don’t need to be doing it again in their later years for free. I think it’s very gracious of them to have done so thus far

You also need to stop martyring DH. As PP said the NHS stopped running on the goodwill of its staff a long time ago. No surgeon is working 12 hour shifts every day. Surgeons are (correctly) given adequate breaks and rests to prevent errors. It’s almost everyone else within hc that doesn’t see this. The canteen provides sufficient food too, he doesn’t need you or mummy to make his sandwiches. Is he going for promotion perchance? There is no other reason for him to be hanging about otherwise and if that’s the case he can park that for the coming months. Put your foot down.

Finally, you underestimate local help. You need to start looking on local fb pages, gumtree etc. So many people are out of work currently they wouldn’t think twice about having to drive to housekeep/care give.

Try local colleges that train in childcare. They often have an idea of who is working from the students who have just qualified. They may have mature students who are willing to do placement with one family while continuing studying. Childcare.uk often have nannies looking for a couple of days work to full time including more mature people. If you have the room( sounds like you do) look for a nanny. They will clean, feed and occupy your little one and if you get someone willing, do a few hours housework a week. You really need some help then mum and MIL could help with extras.

Ignore steroids I would do anything to help my adult children and I know how debilitating it can be in pregnancy. I know plenty of my friends that support daily at the moment. It is their grandchild at the end of the day.
I hope you are able to get some more help soon.

I would help my adult children but the op and her DH have one or other mother there basically 7 hours a day (he does 12 hours she is on her own with the current baby 4/5 hours) every day of the week.

That is a pisstake.

Is there anything you can do to make your Mum’s life any easier at her end if you can’t get help at your home? If I recall correctly she has other caring responsibilities? Can you pay for additional care for her (?) DM or something similar?

Hang on in there, hyperemesis does generally settle. You can and will feel better than this.

I’d also consider spreading your search further in terms of finding live in help- vast numbers of ie cabin crew etc are unemployed. No, not qualified at nannying but have many transferable skills.

My BIL has just waited 5 days in hospital for a surgical slot for a procedure that should have been done as soon as he was admitted so yes, some surgeons are extremely busy and I can see how pressured they feel.

Would you have got pregnant again if your DM and MIL both worked full time?

The framing of your complaint as unreliable childcare is a massive piss take. This isn’t “childcare” you’re expecting, it’s a lot more than that. Neither DM nor MIL owe you anything. Providing an additional grandchild isn’t a favour you’re doing for them which necessitates their full time free help. I feel particularly sorry for your DM who on your previous thread sounded maxed out on the caring front and she’s got to be bloody exhausted and worn out while feeling obligated to be there for your existing baby. Changing the info in your threads is shifty as fuck and you’re on a hiding to nothing trying to get people to feel sorry for you about your mothers not doing exactly what you want when they never asked for any of this.

They’re not even having their own child by themselves on his days off.

Even if you were caring for at least two other people already, one of whom has cancer Bowerbird5?

And, of course, OP's DF doesn't help, and the DM can't even do the childcare at her own house, because he 'doesn't like small children'. Nice to be a man in this family!

Yeah. I wasn’t going to say anything but the ops mother has her hands full already. What the op is asking is absolutely unacceptable and ridiculous.

If your mothers weren’t able to come round for a month @Notabloodychance what would you do? How would you manage?

I thought you were not going to have your mum over any more, since she cares for someone with cancer and your dh works with covid patients - just so high risk!

Anyone for chips and beans??

Not a big help in the circumstances but if there is no time for anyone to make lunch or batch make sandwiche, can you order a load of samosas / mini quiches / Scotch eggs / pasties or whatever in on-line shop and shove them in the freezer. DH just pulls lunch out each day.
And/or if someone is actually going to a shop, buy a load of ready made sandwiches and put those in the freezer. Avoid green stuff (lettuce, cucumber etc) and they freeze and defrost fine.

Have you posted an advert for help on childcare.co.Uk ?

You are expecting a lot from these women and not enough from your "D"H.

You may not be looking for childcare per se anyway but something like a Mother's Help or even a Home Carer. I would look at care websites.

Are you sure you cannot get a cleaner? Having somebody come in and do a deep clean now would mean you could do the minimal until baby comes. Could you send your laundry out for a service wash? Send Ironing to an ironing service (or stop ironing for the time being!) There is no reason your DH cannot spend a few hours on a day off cleaning up, too. Even if you do nothing all week it shouldn't take more than a day.

Tell MIL you cannot have the building works now. Put your foot down. It's ok to say no and prioritise your health.

Make food easy. Takeaways and ready meals are your friends right now. If you can get more balanced meals delivered, even better. If you are too tired to cook then sandwiches during the day then DH can cook when he gets home.

Make up a room with all the things you need for the day and then rest there. Yes toddlers get stressed out and bored of tv, but there's no reason you can't play with your child. This is a good time to sing songs, read books, and teach some independent skills.

If you really can't get any help, then you need to do what you can, tell DH to pull his weight, outsource anything you can, and minimise the stress and things you need to do. But you meed to stop blaming MIL and your DM. This is yours and DH's baby not theirs. Anything they do is wonderful, but you should not be taking them for granted like this. It will breed resentment (sounds like it already is!) so I would have a conversation with them, explaining how you feel and the steps you are going to take to fill some of the gaps.

It is not your MILs job. If she needs to arrive late or leave early, that should not be an issue. Asking her for more notice of plans changing would be reasonable, but expecting her to drop everything is very unfair.

I looked after a small child with HG. Here was my routine my ex would get up with our daughter when I was throwing up first thing, I’d then crawl on my hands and knees and take 3 different types of antiemetics. He’d bring her downstairs. We would play on the floor watch tv. When the tablets had kicked I’d make her breakfast. I found having the window open helped me not be sick on her. Then I’d play downstairs till lunch. More antiemetics and watch a film/doze. I never cooked food (as couldn’t stand up)so often she ate shop bought sandwiches/pasta twice a day. I also bought chopped up fruit so I could tip it on her highchair without touching it. I found crawling reduced the levels I was being sick down from around 30 times a day to 15-20. My mum would occasionally come by at weekends to take her for fresh air and if I was well enough I’d sit at the back door with her. Bath time was fine as she happily play and I’d throw up.

Lots of harsh comments, what’s done is done.

OP is looking for a way forward. I would suggest putting all your effort into finding a paid nanny so you don’t have to rely on family so much.