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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreliable childcare/help?

209 replies

Notabloodychance · 09/12/2020 20:04

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 09/12/2020 22:04

DH is being very unfair and prioritising his career and work over family. He also sounds a martyr. There are shops in hospitals as well as vending machines so he can eat if he wants to . He could also throw his own snacks in his bag.
Even as a Trust grade doctor if he has 12 months continuous NHS service ( doesn’t matter if not in same Trust) he can request domestic leave which allows him to look after a dependent or family member and extended unpaid special leave. This is usually up to 4 weeks per year. Many health care workers use it to cover school holidays.
He doesn’t want to take leave because it impacts his department and he wants to be Mr Helpful. He does have a line manager - it is the clinical lead for his department and he should also check his contract and speak to HR to find out what his leave entitlements are. Occupational health would also be a source of information.

Hardbackwriter · 09/12/2020 22:26

I don't know what people telling OP she's selfish are hoping to achieve - it's not a decision I'd have made either but it's too late to change it now!

I do think you need to let go of the anger at MIL - she might not be doing everything you want her to but she is doing something and I really wouldn't risk losing that, given the current situation - but also have a conversation with her about her not arranging workmen/deliveries. I also think you maybe need to think about whether you're setting your standards for parenting unrealistically high for the current situation and that's why you feel you can't do a whole day with your DS - it might not be ideal parenting, and I know it's medium term which makes it harder, but it may be the case that some days you just have to do the best you can do alone as it really doesn't seem reasonable to expect your DM to effectively parent your child for the entire pregnancy. I also think you have to be realistic about what 'take it very easy' instructions mean for women with other young children - in a first pregnancy it's very different, and it might be frustrating your DM and MIL if they feel like you're expecting to be able to rest and take care of yourself to the extent you were first time around because that's never how it is for no. 2 (sorry if that sounds a bit blunt, I really am sympathetic and realise that you're clearly very ill).

I also think that you need to have a really honest chat with your DH about what he must take on at work vs what he would like to/feels he should so as not to inconvenience others.

user1471457751 · 09/12/2020 22:27

Sorry but I agree with your Mum - you and your husband have been selfish. What possessed the 2 of you to have another child in these circumstances: global health pandemic, DH an NHS surgeon, you having a bad previous pregnancy, lack of childcare options normally and a small baby already. The 2 of you chose to create this mess but you're expecting your mums to fix it.

Gamble66 · 09/12/2020 22:45

Loads of excellent and experienced people have been made redundant - you really should will a little thought be able to craft an advert for part time help in the house - if he is working 12 hours a day there should be room in the budget for 2/3 hours a day support for you - its not even sole care is it - just an extra pair of hands.

Pastnowfuture · 09/12/2020 23:32

I also had a horrific first pregnancy. Was signed off work sick from 7 weeks and problem didn't subside until 3 days after giving birth. Luckily my husband was a student at the time so got an extension and basically became my carer.

We don't have anyone living locally that we can ask to help out and can't afford paid childcare so we decided we won't have a second. Before reaching our conclusion my husband and I spent many hours discussing if/how we could make it work (sell a car/unpaid leave etc). We also spoke to my parents about them coming to live with us for a few months but in the end I felt it would be too much for them.

What kind of conversations did you have with husband and family before deciding to have a second? What was the plan? Could you remind husband of these as he may not realise how much he's let things slide from agreed expectations?

A rough pregnancy is awful. I really hope you feel better soon X

Someone1987 · 10/12/2020 06:57

Berating this husband is not on in my opinion. He is an NHS surgeon working in difficult times, saving lives. If he was to sit at home, less people would be getting the operations they need, then you'd all be moaning. He has worked for years to establish a career, he is saving lives and supporting his family financially. Give him a break?

Sanchi · 10/12/2020 07:19

nobody is suggesting he should 'sit at home'!
... and yes, let's put him on a pedestal for him not giving any support to his ill wife and his baby who doesn't really get properly looked after. amazing bloke!

PlumsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 10/12/2020 07:38

How about live in help for the pregnancy? A live in nanny/helper? Then you can recruit from anywhere. Yes it will be expensive but it is only temporary.

Phineyj · 10/12/2020 07:46

Try sitters.com. They're very good. Get MIL sourcing childcare instead of carpet. Try to let go of the guilt. At the very least your DH could make himself a lunch and/or avail himself of the hospital food. Imagine a woman posting on here saying she can't make a lunch as she's got a 12 hour shift.

BrumBoo · 10/12/2020 08:10

That doea sound like a lot. The part about your husband in particular, I mean does he need a packed lunch? Surely the canteen is available, even for just some chips and beans....

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2020 08:24

Is this the husband who’s now on a covid ward and the mum who’s also caring for someone with cancer?

Ragwort · 10/12/2020 08:33

I live fairly rurally and know lots of people who would be pleased to have some paid hours in this situation, you just need to think creatively - is there a local FB page or a community support group? Try the local babysitter, she may be able to help or know someone else ... lots of Uni students are coming home for the vaction now and would love a paid job. Advertise in "The Lady".

I know it's too late now but agree with others in that it was a crazy decision to have two babies so close together. Whatever your DH might have said at the time it would be obvious to anyone with half a brain that a Surgeon can't just 'cut down' - especially in the middle of a pandemic Hmm.

CommunistLegoBloc · 10/12/2020 08:36

My partner is a doctor and even during the first wave, working across A+E and a Covid ward, he wasn't putting in this many hours...

His job is irrelevant, his attitude is not.

CommunistLegoBloc · 10/12/2020 08:36

Surgeons aren't even doing full lists at the moment!

Steroidsandantidepressants · 10/12/2020 08:39

I agree with your mum. Sorry.

You knew you’d most likely be sick and I remember your other posts - this is a man who opted out the first time and who doesn’t help. He wasn’t ever going to change.

I remember your posts about your rows the last time you were pregnant.

BrumBoo · 10/12/2020 08:43

@Steroidsandantidepressants

I agree with your mum. Sorry.

You knew you’d most likely be sick and I remember your other posts - this is a man who opted out the first time and who doesn’t help. He wasn’t ever going to change.

I remember your posts about your rows the last time you were pregnant.

If this is the same poster, it's her husband I feel sorry for.
MessAllOver · 10/12/2020 08:44

You need to pay for help. Cheaper than your DH taking time off, probably. There will be someone locally who can help - you just need to work out how to find them. I grew up rurally and jobs like this were like absolute gold dust.

WaltzingBetty · 10/12/2020 08:44

There's no way your DH is contracted to work 12 hour shifts every day and be so exhausted he can't stick a bit of cheese between 2 slices of bread.

He knew how hard pregnancy is for you, made you promises of support and has now ditched you when you need him most. The moral superiority of being needed by the NHS is a red herring. He's using his work to opt out of family life and fulfilling his promises to you.

Yes of course surgeons work hard. But the 12 hour shifts every day with no food unless mum makes him a sandwich just smacks of needless martyrdom and wanting to play the hero rather than deal with his sick wife and bored child.

Steroidsandantidepressants · 10/12/2020 08:47

Also. He can get his lunch in the works canteen.

He doesn’t need to starve because mummy or wifey didn’t make a packed lunch for him.

myhobbyisouting · 10/12/2020 08:50

"Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone)."

And this is what prompted the thread. You've been told that you've been selfish and you don't like it.

Well it's true. Nothing will be done now other than your mum having this to deal with too until you give birth. Then you should use appropriate protection to ensure it doesn't happen again

Sanchi · 10/12/2020 08:50

I think it is also hugely unfair towards your baby. They didn't ask to be put into this situation. I think your priority has to be the child that you already have. Seeing that this might go on for another 26 weeks and that your DH has totally opted out, I would consider all options. You cannot sideline a 1 year old like that for another 6 months.

Steroidsandantidepressants · 10/12/2020 08:53

And it’s actually irritating that your op is focusing on what all your mother and mother in law aren’t doing or are doing that is pissing you off.

It’s not about the promises your DH made and isn’t delivering on.

Since he didn’t have a permanent job, and you were highly likely to be off sick, it wasn’t sensible to actively plan another child in the middle of a pandemic.

You need to get your DH to step up, or leave him. If he isn’t stepping up now it isn’t going to get any better.

And fgs don’t get pregnant again.

Having said all that. It’s hard with two small ones (I have 15 months between two of mine) and it was hard hard work. You’re going to have to find your big girl pants at some point and start to do things for yourself. There will be other times you feel like death and have to carry on.

If you don’t like the help you can source, get rid of it and do it yourself.

Moving to a half done house in the middle of nowhere whilst actively planning a pregnancy where it was likely you’d have hyperemesis doesn’t seem a smart move either.

All of which points to - you need to sit down with your DH and take control of your lives properly and actually talk and plan things out.

pinkyredrose · 10/12/2020 08:56

Your husband sleeps 5 hours and he's a surgeon? Isn't that rather dangerous?

Hardbackwriter · 10/12/2020 08:57

And it’s actually irritating that your op is focusing on what all your mother and mother in law aren’t doing or are doing that is pissing you off.

I have to agree with this - particularly the title of the thread! MIL didn't want to or commit to being 'reliable childcare and help' and it seems so unfair to now be furious if she does help but wants to come later or leave earlier (ie wants to have her own life).

Brighterthansunflowers · 10/12/2020 08:57

You (and DH) were selfish for getting into this situation and he is especially selfish for essentially opting out of family life and leaving it all to your mothers

You are two grown adults, you can’t blame your own mothers for not being “reliable” when they’re basically parenting your child and looking after you.

The only realistic option is for DH to cut back his hours at work. If he’s really as exhausted as you say then surely it’s bloody dangerous for him to be operating on people. It sounds extremely convenient that his work situation changed as soon as you needed him to step up at home.