Unreliable childcare/help?

[Notabloodychance]

Basically need to gain some outside perspective.

I have an 11 month old and am pregnant with number 2.
I’m really sick (on medication) and have complications which have me on consultant care and ‘take it very easy’ instructions. They’ve threatened to hospitalise me but things are starting to look up.

Before agreeing to get pregnant DH promised lots of help. He’d use holidays, work only contracted hours...etc. Not happened. Couple of weeks in his work situation changed and I’ve hardly seen him since.

DM/MIL worked out a rota between them to keep me out of hospital. Both have other stuff going on so I feel really shit and like a huge burden. My DM in particular has a ton on her plate and it’s really unfair on her.

The thing is MIL has now pulled back somewhat. She messages me at super short notice (night before) to say she needs to get here late/leave early. I’m finding it frustrating as such short notice and my DM is picking up the extra (because she’s so worried about me). She’s basically here every day at this point rather than the original 2 days a week.

MIL arranges stuff (like work men/deliveries...etc not stuff I’d choose to take on in my current state) then I get anxiety about having to deal with it alone. She also is strongly of the opinion nothing should interfere with DH’s career.

There is no option of paid help. We have tried this route but because we live so rurally and ‘covid’ we just can’t get anyone! Can’t even find a cleaner. No real childminder or nursery options. They’re all full for DC age. Childcare is like gold dust around here!

I feel so guilty as it’s certainly not DM/MIL’s issue but I can’t see a way out other than A- me getting a lot healthier (bloody hope I do). B- DH taking time off (would have to be sick otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage). It’s too far in to consider not continuing the pregnancy (would be devastated anyway).

I don’t think DH understands how selfish I feel for the decision we made. He goes to work like normal and it’s me whose the charity case.

Today my DM admitted she thought we’d been selfish (I don’t blame her it’s backfired on her probably more than anyone).

Have you actually tried every nanny agency/ sitters in the whole country and they have said no one.

I just don’t believe it . I just checked sitters and they currently have availability in the whole country

You are expecting your parents and in-laws to sort out your mess

I think it was a bit irresponsible to rely so heavily on other people to decide whether to have a baby.
Your mil and dm really have their own lives and its a huge commitment. Even if they did say they would help Your, cant you see how much you were expecting of them? Your dh seems to not have the capacity to help. So the only likely option is childcare. A childminder just for a little while to see you through the rough patch.

@eightxmaspaws is blunt but fair, @Notabloodychance you need to consider her words carefully.

Again, don’t limit where you’re looking for support, the more I think about it the more I would encourage you to contact some care agencies. You’re ill and need support, you don’t necessarily need a fully qualified nanny but you do need someone who can support your role. I’m almost positive you could employ someone in a more general rounded role to help you on a day to day basis.

Wouldn’t it be much better for everyone, your DM and MIL included, if there was some slack for them just to maintain their support within their normal boundaries. They’ve both made it pretty clear you’re asking more than they’ve got to give you.

There’s not a lot of point in telling me we’ve been selfish because I totally agree. Hammering it home makes no difference at all. We have been incredibly selfish.

I have made attempts to get help. Lots of calls to local childminders/nursery’s and have searched for a nanny/au pair. Admittedly need to commit some time to making a much bigger effort to find someone. Happy to pay £15 an hour which is basically the same rate as my office job and works out £135 a day! Which I think is reasonable and certainly above local rates.
We can’t pay £25-£30 an hour it’s just not possible. I spoke to DH last night and basically exploded a bit. Told him I’m fed up of it being dumped/shunted onto me and then me having to rely on MIL/DM. I highlighted that this is not what we agreed before getting pregnant he was supposed to help loads more!

He took it well and said he understood why I felt that way. We need a sustainable resolution with us taking responsibility for this situation we created.

I really find ‘just get help and pay for it’ frustrating though. Even messaged out to a few of the local mums this morning asking where they got their childcare from and there was a resounding ‘there’s none to be had. We are massively struggling, having to juggle the kids between us, relying on friends/family...etc’ these are families who usually have full time childcare.

What are your actual symptoms OP and what are the specifics you need help with? When I had HG it was awful. When I was alone with my toddler she had basic, very easy food (sandwiches my husband had already made, Ella's pouches etc. I couldn't cook. She watched a lot of telly while I lied down and anything requiring any energy I did in the hour after taking meds. Can we help with any shortcuts to make things easier?

@Notabloodychance my feel on this is that you are struggling on, and you feel like you can sort of, just about, struggle on, if DM and DMIL help. But really it’s too much.
What would be the options if you were in a hospital bed for the next 3-6 months? What would happen then?
Effectively take yourself out of this equation: nurses look after you. Pretend you aren’t even in your house.
Who would look after the child? The house? The husband?
To some extent I feel the question is - what if everyone around your husband starts saying no? Draws some boundaries.
DM says no.
DMIL says no
And you say - I’m too sick. I’m in hospital
Then what?

Bloody hell, I feel sorry for your mum and his mum! I don't believe you've tried hard enough to get paid for childcare, there are so many people looking for work at the moment.

I don't believe your surgeon husband works 12 hour shifts on 5 hours sleep and no food - if he is, he is being grossly irresponsible. You say he doesn't have a line manager? That is bollocks, he's not self-employed.

You posted throughout your last pregnancy about how unsupportive and unsympathetic DH was, yet you actively chose to get pregnant again really quickly.

You are going to have to do what thousands of women do - look after your baby and look after yourself, on your own, and stop depending on the goodwill of other people to see you through. You sound almost childlike yourself.

[quote eightxmaspaws]@Notabloodychance my feel on this is that you are struggling on, and you feel like you can sort of, just about, struggle on, if DM and DMIL help. But really it’s too much.
What would be the options if you were in a hospital bed for the next 3-6 months? What would happen then?
Effectively take yourself out of this equation: nurses look after you. Pretend you aren’t even in your house.
Who would look after the child? The house? The husband?
To some extent I feel the question is - what if everyone around your husband starts saying no? Draws some boundaries.
DM says no.
DMIL says no
And you say - I’m too sick. I’m in hospital
Then what?[/quote]
From what she says that won't happen, though. If she were hospitalised it would fall even more onto the two mothers; possibly MIL would do more.

It’s easy for him to say a lot. Agree. Say he gets it.

Look at his actions.

He was bloody useless the last time you were pregnant and kept promising to change. And he didn’t.

He also pushed you to move to the big house in the country.

You used to live in a city, and in a student area. You’d have been set for help and babysitters.

At the same time. You are completely passive and expect to be lifted and laid.

You need to grow up. Fast. Part of being a functioning adult is having proper discussions and making sensible decisions.

You and he don’t do that.

Two babies so close together in a pandemic when he’s a doctor on a short term contract with no stability and you get HG was quite frankly not very sensible.

Yes. Parents will help. But 7+ hours a day 7 days a week not counting how far they have to travel to get to you? Come on. That is a piss take.

Time to woman up.

Order meal box things like hello fresh.

Get dinner a la ping from Marks and Sparks. Won’t be great but won’t kill you.

Go get a medication review from your GP.

Talk to your HV and mid wife and see what help they can provide.

Contact the local college of fe and see if they can put you in touch with childcare students for babysitting?

There’s loads you could do.

And if living in The Big House in the country isn’t working, move.

Can you drive and do you have a car of your own?

According to a surgeon family member, Covid protocols are making surgeries routinely take twice as much time as normal. So surgeons can technically be doing less surgeries and still be stretched to the max.

I'm not trying to excuse the DH here - just giving a point of context. I agree with finding a nanny and him stepping up. Just post a nanny ad with a good wage on as many sites as possible. Or call a nanny agency. Or two. This is their job.

I really find ‘just get help and pay for it’ frustrating though. Even messaged out to a few of the local mums this morning asking where they got their childcare from and there was a resounding ‘there’s none to be had. We are massively struggling, having to juggle the kids between us, relying on friends/family...etc’ these are families who usually have full time childcare

I get that so you need to look at it from a different perspective. Traditional, qualified childcare isn’t necessarily what you need. Another adult around to mop up the bits you can’t do at the moment would be a great improvement.

Honestly, approach an actual adult care agency and see what they say. You’re the one who is ill and therefore someone to assist you (including caring for your baby in your house with you there). Any carer through an agency is going to be fully dbs checked and have basic training in first aid, food hygiene etc. If you can find the right fit you will get someone thrilled at the chance to help out with the baby - you don’t get a lot of that with adult care. It won’t be a case of handing over the baby and letting them get on with it but it will be someone to pick up some slack and make sure that you’re all fed and watered and the house is tidy.

Tbh a highly qualified nanny or childminder is slightly wasted on a young baby when they’re perfectly happy with fairly simple entertainment and having their basic needs met.

I was hospitalised for most of both my pregnancies. I ended up having an incredibly rare syndrome. Which I was also told was not going to happen again. But it did.

I really understand. I just had to literally plow through. Cleaning took a backseat. Tidiness took a backseat. I ended up getting a live in nanny to help. But this was many moons ago. My husband would go out the door at 5am and was rarely gone before 11pm.

Do you have a plan in case you are hospitalised? My hospital allowed me to bring my child. Wasn’t the best idea. But was the only option we had at some points. They understand that some parents just don’t have a choice.

I ended up in ICU after my first pregnancy. I don’t remember it of course. But I was there for about 4 months. My husband worked from home. Then the nanny came back. Even with Covid and being rural. You could get a live in nanny still. On the nanny board here they have nannies still working.

I do realise it’s not cheap. But being as I was in hospital. We saved on things like food for 2 adults. Because it was just her and my little one for a while.

My mother physically couldn’t look after my little one. Then suddenly me. My husband and my mother in law were all hospitalised with some mysterious illness. I remember them telling me they thought my husband was going to die. I was seriously unwell myself. So my my HAD to have her. She got shopped about a bit. But bless her. She coped. Just.

At the end of the day. It’s your choice to of had another child. You knew it could happen again. Same as me. I knew my second child probably wasn’t the best idea. But that’s by the by. It’s happened.

I’d try a nursery again. Or if your mum is happy to do it. Then let her. It is in the grand scheme of things. Only for a short time

The other option. Is a nanny. I did lots of things. Like playing games which meant I didn’t have to move. Or tv. Or iPads. Not great. But at the end of the day. I was so incredibly unwell. That’s all I could do. My child also got bored. But my mum would make playdoh. Things so I didn’t have to move.

The hospital can also make arrangements so that if you are. Some let you bring your child. I was hospitalised with a brain bleed with my second and was allowed to bring my child. In fact they insisted.

I find it hard to believe that there is literally no-one who can be a paid help in your home during school hours and/or bringing their own younger kids with them. I get there may not be registered Childminder’s, nursery places, or “proper” childcare. But tough: you need is a few hours a day for someone to prep meals, snacks, and entertain yr toddler whilst you’re in an adjoining room. In areas with crap childcare options there are often good, reliable people with kids at school who would love a job that doesn’t need after-school care.

Your friends are struggling for childcare because they need something different from what you need - school pick ups, registered Childminder’s, etc can be hard to find in rural areas. But that’s not what you need!!!

Advertise on all local fb pages (say within 10 miles) for “daytime babysitter, experience preferred but not essential, hours very flexible”. You’re not doing enough to help yourself.

Your DM and MIL are already telling you they’re not managing to do what you’re expecting of them.

I have made attempts to get help. Lots of calls to local childminders/nursery’s and have searched for a nanny/au pair. Admittedly need to commit some time to making a much bigger effort to find someone. Happy to pay £15 an hour which is basically the same rate as my office job and works out £135 a day! Which I think is reasonable and certainly above local rates.

I think that you need to post an advert on sites like childcare.co.uk as well as look at the listings already on there, but also to put them on places like local facebook groups - I wouldn't recommend this for a nanny for while you're working, but you'll be in the house throughout so getting someone fully qualified isn't as important. Do you really, really need 9 hours a day? If you could keep it to school hours you'd have so many more potential candidates (all of them with their own experience of babies).

You should hopefully only need help for a shortish period if the sickness improves. Therefore if money is the barrier to getting paid help, then you need to up it to the amount you need to pay to get someone in. Even if that means they're earning more than your office job (no exclamation mark needed).

Use this afternoon to properly seek out some childcare. It's not a hypothetical situation- it's an actual reality right now. Great if neighbours DD can do it, but now is not a time to hold out for a cheap solution- especially as the "free" childcare you're getting comes at a high cost. Place an advert - place many local FB, websites etc. etc.

When I read the thread title, I assumed it was about the nanny not turning up or the nursery randomly closing down. I cannot believe that this is actually about your mother and MIL! And there is barely a word of criticism towards your DH who is the one that should be stepping up here.

He doesn’t need to work 12 hour shifts every day, that is just not true. As surgeon, surely you have a bit of savings to tide you over whilst he takes some unpaid leave and of course uses up paid annual leave. He cannot take sick leave as he is not sick. I am inclined to think your DM and MIL would be doing you both a great service to step back and force you to work together as a team.

@user1471462428

Oh. The bath!!! Yes. When I was at home. Immy daughter spent hours everyday in the bath. It meant I could just sit still. I didn’t wash her hair everyday. I physically couldn’t of. But I’d forgotten that part. Hours she spend. I’d top it up with hot water and she’d play happily for hours. She still would. Life saver the bath was.

We got tons of bath toys.

Though reading more updates. I’m sorry. But you have to do more. I was hospitalised and still had to be a parent. You just have too. Not everyone had help. Your DH MUST step up. He must. Even my DH who worked 18 he days stepped up more. He had too. We had no choice till we got the life in nanny. We were also blessed we could. Not everyone can. But before and after. We just got on with it. I had no help. Occasionally friends helped. But it’s not fair for my choice

I’ve just read that your child is 1? Gosh. Even I waited. My children have a good few years between them. My stepsister however has about 10 months I think between hers. Her body is wrecked. Her hips got ruined. I’m not sure why you thought it was a good idea

If your mother is caring for someone with cancer. It’s really not fair on her at all. Just don’t let her.

There are many many ways. Even hospitals realise some people are single parents who come over from other counties. They aren’t denied care because someone can’t look after their child.

Oh yes

We found our live in nanny through an agency. They do short term contracts. Seeing as you are only 14 weeks. They could easily find you someone for 6 months. They find nannies for families all over the world. 3 are based in london.

Oh yes

Why don’t you get someone who is a mother? Who you could pay 9-3? They won’t be qualified. But they will know children.

That’s a great idea from someone above.

You’ll be in the house. You don’t need someone who is massively qualified. In the vent of an emergency. You’ll be there. That will give you 6 hrs

Big old pile of misogynistic shit. From all of you.
Your OP is mostly complaining about your MIL being unreliable - yet it’s your husband who let you down.
And your mum is struggling having to come over far more often than expected, and yet your dad seems to just get a free pass. Doesn’t do kids.
Maybe your mum needs to tell your dad to step the fuck up and help his own bloody daughter???

@Cocomarine

Big old pile of misogynistic shit. From all of you. Your OP is mostly complaining about your MIL being unreliable - yet it’s your husband who let you down. And your mum is struggling having to come over far more often than expected, and yet your dad seems to just get a free pass. Doesn’t do kids. Maybe your mum needs to tell your dad to step the fuck up and help his own bloody daughter???

I agree there's an element of misogyny to it. However, the OP has a long history of foot stomping and expecting everyone to do as she expects. Often without even explaining what she needs or wants. As I said in a previous post, there's been plenty of times the OP has posted (mostly during her infamous last pregnancy) where many have felt sorry for her husband. To the point where I can almost understand him hiding at bloody work.

@BrumBoo I didn’t realise there was a name change and a history!
I just found it laughable that the situation is apparently so difficult for her mum, yet her dad is “allowed” to just not give a shit.

@Cocomarine I think her dad’s cancer trumps OP’s HG! Not sure it’s reasonable to expect him to look after OP and an 11 month old child when he is sufficiently unwell as to need his own support with health needs from his wife...

[quote Katrinawaves]@Cocomarine I think her dad’s cancer trumps OP’s HG! Not sure it’s reasonable to expect him to look after OP and an 11 month old child when he is sufficiently unwell as to need his own support with health needs from his wife...[/quote]
Presumably that's based on a previous thread? In this one all OP says is that her dad 'can't deal with small children', so I thought the same as @Cocomarine - obviously if he's ill with cancer then that's very different.

I also wonder whether all this household mixing is a good idea, if that's the case? I noticed that OP seems to have two support/childcare bubbles and thought that was an understandable bending of the rules under the circumstances, but is it a reasonable risk if one of them involves a household with someone who is having cancer treatment?

@Hardbackwriter thanks!

@Katrinawaves I always read all OP posts, even if I only skim replies in case a thread has moved on. I just re-read OP’s and only saw what Hardback said - nothing about cancer at all.