Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[Merryweather80]

@Nohomemadecandles
Sanctimonious? Really?
I'm sure for some families it's not possible every day but surely some days it is possible.
It's was that family life has come to this state.

[sushigate]

I stepped out of this thread a while back as I had more than enough useful advice at the start and after a while it morphed into peak Mumsnet with people commenting fairly offensively and judgementally on all sorts of topics that were nothing to do with the question.

These latest comments show just what a casually poisonous place AIBU has become. Luckily I couldn't give a fig but there are many people on forums like these who are more vulnerable and who post looking for help and receive casual vitriol in return.

@DoingItForTheKid
"How big is your home that you text rather than send a child with the message?"
Speak to the children? She has a nanny for that 😂

By far the most useful advice has come from people like @elcoucho who have either had live in help before or have been live in nannies/carers themselves (and for those who piled in without reading the thread this is not a young aupair on a cultural exchange, we are talking about a mature and very sensible lady who is not being exploited but was actively seeking a job as a nanny/housekeeper).

I've dealt with the situation by telling her I'm going to be cooking less whilst DH is away and reminded her that if she wants to she can add whatever she'd like to the shopping list so she can make her own meals - which she's done. We remain on good terms without any drama.

I posted for some quick advice and have been exposed to a pretty depressing insight into some bored and judgemental Mumsnetters. I wasn't looking for opinions that only concurred with my own, but those of you who pile onto threads making casual judgements about lives which aren't the same as yours perhaps you should post your own questions and have a think about whether that nasty snippy little comment is adding anything to make the world a better place.

[Othering]

Oh come on. Don't be so chippy. Aibu has always been a snake pit. You know what to expect and you can't police people's responses. If you just want soothing tones Celia, then the internet is not for you and neither is mumsnet. There's been lots of supportive, helpful comments on here. Run with those and don't come back simply to tell people off.

[Redolent]

Thought you said you were ready with your hard hat...

Anyway, glad it worked out for you.

[TheDogisBarkingAgain]

Casual vitriol or as many people call it 'a joke'.

[MarchingOnTogether]

When DH goes away just ask her to help you out with evening meals.

[VinylDetective]

Oh for goodness sake, OP. You posted on AIBU, what did you expect? If you wanted advice from people familiar with the nanny set up, there’s a section devoted to nothing else.

[hopsalong]

Christ, that would drive me up the wall. I would hate the feeling of obligation and being encroached on (signing the kitchen away for part of the evening?) at the best of times, but at the moment when she can't go out and you can't go out it must be even worse.

On the other hand, my real sympathy is with the nanny. What kind of job is this? Sounds like being a general dogsbody, and can't leave her with much self-respect. Being a nanny is a difficult and demanding job and anyone doing it should in my opinion be properly paid. With tax etc, that's a lot. So unless a couple is in the position of having £35k + a year of after-tax salary to spend on childcare, then I think it makes more sense to use nurseries and childminders.

[billy1966]

Glad it has been sorted OP.

I think you were very kind to be cokking for her, but I think it would indeed add extra pressure to a day that I would hate.

Some days soup and a toastie would be delicious, easy and fast.