Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

£20 for SOUP?

20 QUID for SOUP?!

TWENTY EFFING QUID FOR EFFING SOUP ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Get some cup-a-soups in. Th Ainsley Harroit ones are nice especially the Thais Chicken and Lemongrass . . .

£20 soup from a takeaway? Blimey, how much did the main course cost????

I now want a £20 soup. Does it come with croutons?

I thought you were joking about the £20 soup! What the hell is in it? Wagyu beef and fresh truffles?

She's leaving anyway, I don't think there's any point in saying anything. You just know to make the either/ or options clearer next time.

I'm still caught up on when exactly you expect her to cook her own meal?

Surely if you cook 'wholesome meals from scratch' on a regular basis when is she going to have space to cook in the kitchen? She can hardly cook at the same time as you it would be terribly awkward.

Do you actually pay her on or above minimum wage or is on a pocket money type deal? Because this makes a difference to what is expected of you.

TWENTY QUID FOR SOUP OTHERING!

Can't bliddy believe it! TWENTY QUID! For SOUP!!!

I’ve re-read this thread and found it to be patronising and extremely passive aggressive.

The person at fault is yourself OP. You have accepted making her part of your family evening meal. Through your own lack of boundaries and assertiveness. The reason why you won’t say the ‘most expensive item on the list’ is because you know it probably isn’t that much.

Please show some respect - not the same as feeding a person and spoiling them - to this lady who cares for your children and home.

You are not the only person who cooks and works full time.

It might not be as hard as you think OP.
If you're cooking a nice meal every night with lots of effort from scratch she might feel like she should eat the food to be polite. Maybe when you suggest she can make her own meals she might be happy to accommodate that?

In (slight) fairness to her- you started cooking, you have accommodated her in the cooking, you offered the take away- she very well may be unaware that you now have an issue with this as you haven't addressed it with her- maybe she felt obliged to say yes? An adult conversation regarding mealtimes- I will be eating later/ myself as DH is away- here is a list of the meals for the kids for you to cook.

SD, it sounds like the nanny asked to share the meals.

How much is she paid for the nannying and cleaning per week?

Rather than sitting waiting for you to feed her - it sounds like a really awkward situation for her and she's trying to stay out of the way!

If you are taking over the kitchen every night cooking something fancy from scratch, when is she supposed to scuttle in and boil some pasta for herself?

And then you summon her to collect her food and make herself scarce again.

Try looking at it from her point of view - I'd imagine it's pretty hard for her to say no thanks, I'll make something for myself later, when her boss/landlord has just spent all evening cooking something and has messaged her to come and get hers...

To be clear she earns well over minimum wage and has no core living expenses (rent, bills, meals, any weekly travel etc are all covered.)

As for the soup I had no idea the restaurant did a soup that cost that much. It's a Singaporean Laksa.

For those who have turned this thread into a dig at me for bitching or similar i think that's rather unkind. I've said I've got myself into an uncomfortable situation that I need to deal with. I've said it's fully my fault for allowing it to have happened despite having set out expectations at the start (to clear things up we said she was welcome to add anything to the shopping list she'd like and was more than welcome to use the kitchen any time). I am respectful to her and she is typically respectful to us. That said things have gone a little too far. I've had good advice from lots of kind posters. I've got a great opportunity to pull back a bit when DH is away and had great advice on how to word the conversation respectfully which is what I asked.

Going to keep you guessing on the order but yes, she managed to find the most expensive items on a sushi menu, a Singaporean menu and from a nice Turkish restaurant. She's living her best life 😀

As a nanny, I wonder if she is on Mumsnet and reading this thread right now. If so, she is probably now trying to work out how to extend her stay.

How did it come about that you starting inviting her to eat what you cooked? Did she ask, or did you offer?

Why not cook and freeze extra now? Each time you cook a meal for her, your husband and yourself, cook four portions, and freeze one. Even if you plan specific meals that lend themselves toward that. By the time your husband goes away you’ll have a stash of portions in the freezer. Then you just have to say: ‘With Fred away I won’t have so much time for cooking. Help yourself to a portion of something from the freezer. There’s rice, pasta and veg in the cupboard - feel free to make whatever side dishes you like.’ And then both you and she can eat a full meal, or snack, as you choose. And if you happen to walk in as she’s putting pasta in a pan - use that opportunity: ask her to put in enough for you, too. Create a precedent for her to contribute, even if just the starchy bit to go with your fancier element. You may find that she’s happy to do so when she gets into it.
As a more mature person, she may be more conscious of not wanting to interfere in another woman’s kitchen... maybe more so than a younger person might be. Perhaps she has previously been caught out by someone who blithely said to get stuck in but then bristled when she put the oregano back in the cupboard upside down. Or maybe she’s not as confident as you are that her efforts would be perceived as good enough... Maybe she just got into a rut - she started thinking that she’d get in the kitchen after you, but then you turned up with a plateful, and the pattern has never changed. But I doubt she’ll initiate a change now unless you lead the way.

Once your husband comes home, you can continue in the same vein - cook extra, and less often. Once a week, say to her - we’re eating out/late/whatever, so help yourself from the stash. It won’t be a big change by then, because she’ll have been doing that for a while already.

@mooncakes

How did it come about that you starting inviting her to eat what you cooked? Did she ask, or did you offer?

She inveigled apparently.

I've got a great opportunity to pull back a bit when DH is away and had great advice on how to word the conversation respectfully which is what I asked.

Good for you, OP. Write yourself a little script and be very to the point. Your desire to cease this role is not unreasonable. I feel like I need a holiday just reading it! I hope you get a good rest from all this cooking while your DH is away and change the dynamic going on.

You don’t think it’s unkind to come on here and slag her off? She would probably be sick if she knew! Although you give the impression you’re kind there’s an unmistakable undercurrent to what you say.

offered her food and continued to - that’s on you
offered her take aways - on you
feel pressured - on you
fretting over what to make - on you

if you respected her and genuinely were looking for solutions you wouldn’t be making fun of her, living her ‘best life’ cleaning your house looking after your kids just because of meals? Hardly!

You have turned yourself into a martyr and are not interested in the opinions that have tried to make you see how this may seem to her. Poor you

Here’s a suggestion; speak to her and be brutally honest about how you REALLY feel cooking for her like an adult would.

This happened to me with a flatmate, made dinner too many times and then I felt like it was expected and got super stressed. Wasn't just that I was providing all the food and cooking, it was the fact that it was never offered back as in 'I'll cook tonight' or 'don't worry about me tonight' She just sat there waiting with a knife and fork every day. I think the real issue was I personally would never do that night after night to someone without some consideration. It is all about boundaries, she is obviously more than capable and it's great you can provide ingredients etc... I think use the hubby as a get out of jail and give her a time she can have the kitchen to make her own meals, you will feel so much better for it and you can include her every now and then if you get a takeaway.

Don’t play games with take aways OP. Be clear.

Remind her that when you hired her, the arrangement was that she would add her food to the shopping list and eat with the kids, somehow that’s turned into you cooking which you’ve been happy to do (ok sightly lie) but now you’re looking to cut back on cooking and would like her to go back to eating with the kids.

If that doesn’t work for her then the kitchen is available from X to Y.

If adding stuff to the shopping list doesn’t work for her then you are happy to give her cash to spend on food instead.

If she has another suggestion that’s fine too. (Presumably she won’t be cheeky enough to say “Yes, keep cooking for me”).

Flexible but clear.

Great. Now craving laksa.

In addition to all the other good suggestions on how to tackle this, could you suggest she cook something from her home country/local speciality for you to all enjoy/try? Without knowing where she is from, its hard to comment, but maybe she isnt as familiar with british cuisine/cooking styles? Maybe she isnt a good cook? As others have suggested, why would she ask to cook herself or change things when you've let is carry on so long?

Is it in any contract that YOU must provide for or pay for ALL of her meals???

"Whilst my husband is away I won't be doing much cooking, so probably best to sort yourself out for dinners"

Drama over.