Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

But what she should also do is cook and eat at the same time as the kids - or at least, be done with the kitchen by the time OP wants to use it in the evening.

I feel like that’s very unfair. If you are not going to provide separate cooking facilities, surely you just have to share?

@flaviaritt
I think our difference of opinion comes from the fact that you think the nanny should have completely equal claim to the kitchen as the homeowners.

Whereas I think she has to accept, the homeowner has dibs on the kitchen. And fit around that. IMO there is a hierarchy - she is living in their house.

If she doesn't like it, she is perfectly within her right to find another job.

It’s confusing because OP says:

We made it clear she can use the kitchen at any time so I’m not sure that’s the issue

But then:

When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids.

When you explain that precedent, the implicit assumption is that that’s what she should be doing. So again, seems like muddled messaging.

I think our difference of opinion comes from the fact that you think the nanny should have completely equal claim to the kitchen as the homeowners.

No, not really. I accept it is the OP’s home. However, I believe she needs to give reasonable access to the nanny. “Eat with the kids” isn’t reasonable.

They were the terms she was hired on?

I dont think you are the best at being specific to nanny. State your case - you are the employer.

How big is your home that you text rather than send a child with the message?

What if nanny requests ingredients that are very expensive? I think this area is fraught with difficulty.

Well I’m not surprised you feel annoyed with this OP

You just have to be honest and explain the current situation isn't working and tell her exactly what you want her to do otherwise the situation will drag on and you'll be miserable.

@positivelynegative

What if nanny requests ingredients that are very expensive? I think this area is fraught with difficulty.

I think it's easier to have a discussion about that than about always choosing the most expensive item on the takeaway menu when you didn't really want to even buy her a takeaway, or to just say "Sorry, they didn't have any filet mignon so I picked you up 4oz of stewing steak."

We have a slightly different situation in that we have live in carers for my mother in law. We've had similar situation and found the odd carer taking advantage. What we have settled on is an additional weekly allowance for extra food.

Perhaps say that you appreciate lockdown has skewed the situation, but going forward you would like to go back to what was originally intended / anticipated and she has an allowance of £x per week. If you cannot implement now definitely consider with your next nanny.

To clarify the the allowance is in addition to the weekly shop we do so the carer can use what is already in the house / delivered.

I don’t think you’ve necessarily done anything wrong OP - but I do feel sorry for the nanny!

Eating alone each night and being summoned by text! Surely the idea of a live in nanny is for her to become one of the family. Maybe in a more relaxed environment she would feel more confident offering to cook the family meal (intimidating if you are such a good cook)

I’ve never had a nanny but hate the idea of one in my house who isn’t part of the family - it wouldn’t feel like my home to me.

Also - if you’ve got enough money to employ a full time nanny you’ve probably got enough not to quibble over the odd takeaway.

Although having said all that - I wouldn’t want the hassle of cooking for another adult every single night either. Maybe a nanny that leaves every evening is a better option for you?

You employ her nit the other way around. She works by your rules.
She's having both her cake and eating it isn't she.
Just tell her that you'd like to go back to the original terms of employment. You don't need to explain why lovely.

I could see myself in ops situation, do something as a nice gesture then feel it’s assumed.

If you are confident she will leave at the end of the month I’d be very tempted with a conversation along the lines of
“Hooray it’s December!” It’s always a really hectic month for us and our cooking plans go up in the air! Probably best we revert to previous arrangement of you catering for yourself, i’ll sort myself (Christmas cheese board and biscuits etc!) Feel free to help yourself.

IF you decide to give her a takeaway menu, tell her, "Feel free to order anything you like under (reasonable amount of money that gives her some choice). If you go over that, you'll need to make up the difference."

Are you catering for her and buying food because of the lock down, or would you provide all her food anyway? I ask, because I thought live in meant board as well as bed. If she does not want to eat with the children, why not provide her with a microwave upstairs somewhere so that she can warm something up herself, or better still, some sort of kitchen facilities? She obviously cannot share the kitchen while you are cooking.

With the lock down, is she supposed to go shopping for herself and the children? How does that work? How can she care for the children and maintain social distancing? What about finding the time to shop with all the other jobs she has? Can I be permitted to add a little religious flavour to this?

When the lock down started in March, it became clear that black people were are special risk of infection leading to death. I have a black carer and his wife is an NHS nurse and I got worried that if they did their own shopping, they may be not only exhausted but open to infection and bring it home to me, so I asked them not to go into shops and I would shop online as I have done since it started in 2006.

They did not like it at first, because they did not think I should pay for their shopping, but I said if they promise not to go into shops, in exchange for their giving up their right to shop, I would do their shopping. I told them that Jesus did not feed the four thousand because they had no money, He fed them because the disciples came to him and said they crowd had been there so long listening to him that the shops were closed, so I told my carer that the shops were closed to them. Surprisingly, it has not cost much more than I used to spend anyway. I just don't buy anything fancy and two of everything still gives us treats. As a clergy widow, everything comes from God, so I am just sharing it around a bit.

I don't know how the bubble works with a live in nanny, but I think you should be so glad she is with you and helping you that spending a bit more on food to keep her happy does not seem something to worry about. You should be pleased to help make her life better and not show resentment. I do not know what your contract with her says, but it can be changed (written on the original if that is written) and in doing so, while you are sorting out where to put her 'cooking facilities' she will know that you prefer her not to be in the kitchen when you are cooking.

I would give her notice.

Why does no one ever seam to sit together as a family for their evening meals? Why waste food, time and energy cooking twice and miss out on supper time conversations as a family?
Children from weaning age can and should eat what their parents do at a reasonable hour for all involved.

Merryweather80 in many families parents don’t finish work till well after the kids’ dinner time. As the OP has a live in nanny I expect she and her DH both work long hours.

@Merryweather80 surely you can see that's not possible for a lot of families?
I couldnt have fed my toddlers when I got home at 8.30 -9pm several days a week.
The OP has a nanny for a reason. Bit sanctimonious, that comment, really.

I am a live-in nanny. On day's when I am on-duty, sometimes I eat with the family, sometimes with the kids and when I am off-duty I cook for myself in the family's kitchen. I would not expect to have such pampering. During lockdown the mum cooked and we all ate together but now the cooking is shared. Unfortunately what began as a kind offer from you has turned into an expectation from her. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say (nicely) to her 'Can we return to the agreement we had at the beginning of the contract where you eat with the kids? It would be nice for you to join us for meals occasionally, but I can't guarantee to be able to cook for you every evening'. Any reasonable person would understand.

@DoingItForTheKid

How big is your home that you text rather than send a child with the message?

Speak to the children? She has a nanny for that 😂