Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[SuperAlly]

It literally says in the OP “nanny/housekeeper”

[sushigate]

@SuperAlly

Urgh nope. This would be intolerable for me. I couldn’t stand having a live-in nanny/housekeeper or au pair. Is it not horribly awkward? Like does she do housework while you’re just watching tv?

She is a nanny and housekeeper so she cleans the house when the kids are at school. My DH and I work full time so O can assure you neither of us are ever watching TV and lounging around when she's working!! I can only dream of daytime TV 😂😂

[Mrgrinch]

@coconutpie

I too would like to know what this expensive takeaway option was!!

Me too!

[SuperAlly]

Don’t you ever take a day of annual leave?

I dunno I get your point I just think personally it would be awkward as arse having someone else living in your house as an employee.

[unlikelytobe]

Where is she from? Some cultures eat late, don't do ready meals etc If she's young and first time away from home perhaps she needs putting straight about the arrangement you'd prefer. Funny her always taking it to eat in her room!

[Emeraldshamrock]

Yanbu. Tell her things are going back to the previous arrangement.
I think she is either a CF or not thinking speak up you don't have the time to take on the extra load.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I think I would suddenly be very busy with work and Christmas stuff and tell her in advance that you won't really be cooking next week just getting a snack and break the habit. Then review it after a week or so.

[positivelynegative]

Firstly, with a housekeeper, I’d be expecting her to cook! Is she aware of this part of her role?

Secondly, why are your kids eating different food to normally family meals? She could cook for everyone and keep it warm.

[Sunnysideup999]

I’m caught in a similar trap myself. Live out nanny is supposed to prepare the kids evening meal and I don’t mind If she cooks extra for her.
She doesn’t mind doing this at all, but it’s a bit of a rush for her to cook after she’s picked the kids up . There’s not much time and the kids are hungry.
So because I’ve been home I’ve been cooking the evening meal - which she helps herself too and eats with the kids. I don’t mind really but sometimes there’s not enough for my husband when he comes home much later! I normally only portion size for 2 adults and 2 children. I need to say something really.

[AIMD]

I think you’re making this in to a bigger deal and more complicated than it need to be. (Though I’m doing the same with an issue at the moment so I can’t judge 😂).

As others have said just tell her she’s welcome to eat what you have but due to being busy there will be times you won’t cook and she’ll need to sort her self out, but remind her she can add what she wants to the shopping list.

Alternatively you could start paying her w little extra a week and say that it is specifically so she can purchase her own food.

[Meraas]

YANBU at all. Does she ever offer to wash up?

[tallduckandhandsome]

As others have said just tell her she’s welcome to eat what you have but due to being busy there will be times you won’t cook and she’ll need to sort her self out, but remind her she can add what she wants to the shopping list.

But OP doesn't want to cook for her anymore.

[AIMD]

Is it possible she feel akward about taking food out the fridge and making her own meal so prefers to just have what you prepare?

Does she stay in her room of an evening?

[RosesAndHellebores]

We had au-pairs for years. The children nd the au-pair ate the same as us. Sometimes I'd batch cook at the w/e for 2/3 of nights Mon to Friday. Sometimes the au-pair would cook. It was part of her role to eat with the DC; sometimes, if they had been out to tea the au-pair ate with us.

I find it really sad that your nanny/housekeeper/au-pair expects to have to eat a solitary meal in her room.

[Emeraldshamrock]

@Sunnysideup999 Ask her to start earlier she can prep before she collects them.
My DC are famished when they get in no time to wait.

[SuperAlly]

i find it really sad that your nanny/housekeeper/au-pair expects to have to eat a solitary meal in her room

Are you kidding? If I lived with my boss this would be the highlight of my day!

[Elouera]

Does she have a contact about who buys/pays for her food? I dont know what is the 'norm', but if she is getting a wage, why doesnt she pay for her own take away meal if she wants to get one when you guys order one?

Sounds more like you are running a restaurant, and texting her to say her meal is ready! This is bonkers! Why would she bother cooking for herself when you have clearly been doing it for months, plus allowing her to order anything she likes from take away menus! Talk to her tomorrow, otherwise it will never change.

[VivaMiltonKeynes]

She's taking the piss with this . You've even got me guessing the nationality based on previous experience however we won't go there ! As others have said , tell her you won't be cooking as much and therefore she can cook for herself and either add to the groceries or give her a monetary allowance to get and do her own. Ignore the off topic posts about "how can you have someone clean your house ? " and " does she not spend the evening with you ?" . They obviously have no experience in this matter.

[SuperAlly]

Hey I’m not judging at all! Honestly I’m not. I just can’t get past the awkwardness on a personal level but I’m not against the idea per se.

[positivelynegative]

Surely the host family would buy the takeaway - just tight not to, but I can’t get beyond ‘Housekeeper’ that’s not keeping house!

[AnotherDelphinium]

As she’s live in, maybe as well as PP suggestions about “XX is away for the week so I’m going to be just eating as and when, let me know if you want me to add anything to the shopping list” could you also designate one day a week where you, DH, and her take it in turns to cook the evening meal and eat as adults at the table?
I imagine she probably misses adult company a little and would like one shared meal a week.

[Butterymuffin]

@SuperAlly

i find it really sad that your nanny/housekeeper/au-pair expects to have to eat a solitary meal in her room

Are you kidding? If I lived with my boss this would be the highlight of my day!

It's the dream! Someone cooks for you every night then you get to eat it in peace by yourself.

[sushigate]

@positivelynegative

Firstly, with a housekeeper, I’d be expecting her to cook! Is she aware of this part of her role?

Secondly, why are your kids eating different food to normally family meals? She could cook for everyone and keep it warm.

My kids are ridiculously fussy. I on the other hand cook extensively from scratch and have a reputation as a pretty decent cook. I wouldn't normally expect a nanny/housekeeper to cook for us but given I have ended up providing a daily diet of seriously decent meals (in the first lockdown I made lunches too but I'm pleased to say I called a halt on that!) it definitely would have been nice if she'd offered on even one occasion - just as a gesture, even if she's rubbish cook

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

i find it really sad that your nanny/housekeeper/au-pair expects to have to eat a solitary meal in her room

Are you kidding? If I lived with my boss this would be the highlight of my day!

Me too - I would LOVE this! Ideal!

[flaviaritt]

No, a housekeeper isn’t a cook. This is why there is so much controversy about this whole ‘nanny-cum-blah’ role. People expect to pay someone one salary for two jobs. Nanny/housekeeper/chef - that’s three jobs.