Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[billy1966]

Glad it has been sorted OP.

I think you were very kind to be cokking for her, but I think it would indeed add extra pressure to a day that I would hate.

Some days soup and a toastie would be delicious, easy and fast.

[hopsalong]

Christ, that would drive me up the wall. I would hate the feeling of obligation and being encroached on (signing the kitchen away for part of the evening?) at the best of times, but at the moment when she can't go out and you can't go out it must be even worse.

On the other hand, my real sympathy is with the nanny. What kind of job is this? Sounds like being a general dogsbody, and can't leave her with much self-respect. Being a nanny is a difficult and demanding job and anyone doing it should in my opinion be properly paid. With tax etc, that's a lot. So unless a couple is in the position of having £35k + a year of after-tax salary to spend on childcare, then I think it makes more sense to use nurseries and childminders.

[VinylDetective]

Oh for goodness sake, OP. You posted on AIBU, what did you expect? If you wanted advice from people familiar with the nanny set up, there’s a section devoted to nothing else.

[MarchingOnTogether]

When DH goes away just ask her to help you out with evening meals.

[TheDogisBarkingAgain]

Casual vitriol or as many people call it 'a joke'.

[Redolent]

Thought you said you were ready with your hard hat...

Anyway, glad it worked out for you.

[Othering]

Oh come on. Don't be so chippy. Aibu has always been a snake pit. You know what to expect and you can't police people's responses. If you just want soothing tones Celia, then the internet is not for you and neither is mumsnet. There's been lots of supportive, helpful comments on here. Run with those and don't come back simply to tell people off.

[sushigate]

I stepped out of this thread a while back as I had more than enough useful advice at the start and after a while it morphed into peak Mumsnet with people commenting fairly offensively and judgementally on all sorts of topics that were nothing to do with the question.

These latest comments show just what a casually poisonous place AIBU has become. Luckily I couldn't give a fig but there are many people on forums like these who are more vulnerable and who post looking for help and receive casual vitriol in return.

@DoingItForTheKid
"How big is your home that you text rather than send a child with the message?"
Speak to the children? She has a nanny for that 😂

By far the most useful advice has come from people like @elcoucho who have either had live in help before or have been live in nannies/carers themselves (and for those who piled in without reading the thread this is not a young aupair on a cultural exchange, we are talking about a mature and very sensible lady who is not being exploited but was actively seeking a job as a nanny/housekeeper).

I've dealt with the situation by telling her I'm going to be cooking less whilst DH is away and reminded her that if she wants to she can add whatever she'd like to the shopping list so she can make her own meals - which she's done. We remain on good terms without any drama.

I posted for some quick advice and have been exposed to a pretty depressing insight into some bored and judgemental Mumsnetters. I wasn't looking for opinions that only concurred with my own, but those of you who pile onto threads making casual judgements about lives which aren't the same as yours perhaps you should post your own questions and have a think about whether that nasty snippy little comment is adding anything to make the world a better place.

[Merryweather80]

@Nohomemadecandles
Sanctimonious? Really?
I'm sure for some families it's not possible every day but surely some days it is possible.
It's was that family life has come to this state.

[TheDogisBarkingAgain]

@DoingItForTheKid

How big is your home that you text rather than send a child with the message?

Speak to the children? She has a nanny for that 😂

[elcoucho]

I am a live-in nanny. On day's when I am on-duty, sometimes I eat with the family, sometimes with the kids and when I am off-duty I cook for myself in the family's kitchen. I would not expect to have such pampering. During lockdown the mum cooked and we all ate together but now the cooking is shared. Unfortunately what began as a kind offer from you has turned into an expectation from her. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say (nicely) to her 'Can we return to the agreement we had at the beginning of the contract where you eat with the kids? It would be nice for you to join us for meals occasionally, but I can't guarantee to be able to cook for you every evening'. Any reasonable person would understand.

[Nohomemadecandles]

@Merryweather80 surely you can see that's not possible for a lot of families?
I couldnt have fed my toddlers when I got home at 8.30 -9pm several days a week.
The OP has a nanny for a reason. Bit sanctimonious, that comment, really.

[minipie]

Merryweather80 in many families parents don’t finish work till well after the kids’ dinner time. As the OP has a live in nanny I expect she and her DH both work long hours.

[Merryweather80]

Why does no one ever seam to sit together as a family for their evening meals? Why waste food, time and energy cooking twice and miss out on supper time conversations as a family?
Children from weaning age can and should eat what their parents do at a reasonable hour for all involved.

[Celestine70]

I would give her notice.

[llizzie]

Are you catering for her and buying food because of the lock down, or would you provide all her food anyway? I ask, because I thought live in meant board as well as bed. If she does not want to eat with the children, why not provide her with a microwave upstairs somewhere so that she can warm something up herself, or better still, some sort of kitchen facilities? She obviously cannot share the kitchen while you are cooking.

With the lock down, is she supposed to go shopping for herself and the children? How does that work? How can she care for the children and maintain social distancing? What about finding the time to shop with all the other jobs she has? Can I be permitted to add a little religious flavour to this?

When the lock down started in March, it became clear that black people were are special risk of infection leading to death. I have a black carer and his wife is an NHS nurse and I got worried that if they did their own shopping, they may be not only exhausted but open to infection and bring it home to me, so I asked them not to go into shops and I would shop online as I have done since it started in 2006.

They did not like it at first, because they did not think I should pay for their shopping, but I said if they promise not to go into shops, in exchange for their giving up their right to shop, I would do their shopping. I told them that Jesus did not feed the four thousand because they had no money, He fed them because the disciples came to him and said they crowd had been there so long listening to him that the shops were closed, so I told my carer that the shops were closed to them. Surprisingly, it has not cost much more than I used to spend anyway. I just don't buy anything fancy and two of everything still gives us treats. As a clergy widow, everything comes from God, so I am just sharing it around a bit.

I don't know how the bubble works with a live in nanny, but I think you should be so glad she is with you and helping you that spending a bit more on food to keep her happy does not seem something to worry about. You should be pleased to help make her life better and not show resentment. I do not know what your contract with her says, but it can be changed (written on the original if that is written) and in doing so, while you are sorting out where to put her 'cooking facilities' she will know that you prefer her not to be in the kitchen when you are cooking.

[Mamanyt]

IF you decide to give her a takeaway menu, tell her, "Feel free to order anything you like under (reasonable amount of money that gives her some choice). If you go over that, you'll need to make up the difference."

[AtleastitsnotMonday]

I could see myself in ops situation, do something as a nice gesture then feel it’s assumed.

If you are confident she will leave at the end of the month I’d be very tempted with a conversation along the lines of
“Hooray it’s December!” It’s always a really hectic month for us and our cooking plans go up in the air! Probably best we revert to previous arrangement of you catering for yourself, i’ll sort myself (Christmas cheese board and biscuits etc!) Feel free to help yourself.

[Ronnie68]

You employ her nit the other way around. She works by your rules.
She's having both her cake and eating it isn't she.
Just tell her that you'd like to go back to the original terms of employment. You don't need to explain why lovely.

[Areweallsheepnow82]

I don’t think you’ve necessarily done anything wrong OP - but I do feel sorry for the nanny!

Eating alone each night and being summoned by text! Surely the idea of a live in nanny is for her to become one of the family. Maybe in a more relaxed environment she would feel more confident offering to cook the family meal (intimidating if you are such a good cook)

I’ve never had a nanny but hate the idea of one in my house who isn’t part of the family - it wouldn’t feel like my home to me.

Also - if you’ve got enough money to employ a full time nanny you’ve probably got enough not to quibble over the odd takeaway.

Although having said all that - I wouldn’t want the hassle of cooking for another adult every single night either. Maybe a nanny that leaves every evening is a better option for you?

[okokok000]

To clarify the the allowance is in addition to the weekly shop we do so the carer can use what is already in the house / delivered.

[okokok000]

We have a slightly different situation in that we have live in carers for my mother in law. We've had similar situation and found the odd carer taking advantage. What we have settled on is an additional weekly allowance for extra food.

Perhaps say that you appreciate lockdown has skewed the situation, but going forward you would like to go back to what was originally intended / anticipated and she has an allowance of £x per week. If you cannot implement now definitely consider with your next nanny.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

@positivelynegative

What if nanny requests ingredients that are very expensive? I think this area is fraught with difficulty.

I think it's easier to have a discussion about that than about always choosing the most expensive item on the takeaway menu when you didn't really want to even buy her a takeaway, or to just say "Sorry, they didn't have any filet mignon so I picked you up 4oz of stewing steak."

[Biscuitybiscuit]

You just have to be honest and explain the current situation isn't working and tell her exactly what you want her to do otherwise the situation will drag on and you'll be miserable.

[Goldensnitchy]

Well I’m not surprised you feel annoyed with this OP