Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[5863921l]

I enjoy cooking for my husband, I enjoy cooking to take my mind off my stressful job and get away from a screen. I do not enjoy feeling like I have to make something one evening when it all feels like too much because my nanny is sitting waiting to be fed (or alternatively to me spending £20+ on a takeaway soup for her!)

Yes, that makes sense when you explain it. I think she might not realise, though. It looks like you just enjoy cooking. I might understand the nuances unless someone said 'Yes I enjoy it and people expecting it, just not you'. It looks like massive cheek on her part until one considers the meals that have come her way and really, how is she to know you are secretly resenting it and not enjoying it?

[Redolent]

@sushigate

Thank you. Lots of helpful advice and kind comments. Some weeks I have just felt like I'm running a catering service (not just for her, I asked my DH to step up a bit too). I knew it was starting to get out of hand when I would lie in bed each night stressing about what meals I was going to provide for everyone the following day around my very full time job.

You seem to place yourself into multiple self-inflicted dilemmas re: cooking. I’m not sure why you choose not to cook the same meal twice, or why you always have to consult ‘the nicest cookbooks’ for inspiration (presumably with fancy and complicated recipes). It sounds like you’re setting v high expectations for yourself.

[shiningstar2]

I can imagine it that it was fairly easy to slip into a situation like this during lockdown. If i ere me I would simply explain that although you like cooking you don't want to be tied to it every night. If It were me I would then offer to include her in your evening meal once a week and ask that she cooks for you once a week, maybe saying that it would be great to try some of her national dishes. I would be specific about timings. Eg. I will cook on a Monday and you can do Wednesday. Then we can see to ourselves the rest of the week so that neither of us need to cook a full meal if we don't feel like it. If she doesn't do her day, then just cook two portions on your day. She could hardly object. It would be a gracious way of getting yourself out of a situation that has crept up on you and could work ok as it's only for a few weeks until she leaves.

[QuestionableMouse]

When I worked a live in job (not a nanny, a groom) I had a fridge and microwave in my room (which was actually the top floor of the house so basically a studio flat) and could just use that or I could go down and use the kitchen to cook for myself. Boss and I used to go shopping together (was before delivery was really a thing, at least in rural Yorkshire!). I joined some family meals but not all, and cooked for everyone maybe once a week (not expected of me, but I enjoyed it)

I guess what I'm trying to say is she shouldn't be expecting you to feed her and needs to be more flexible. Maybe set her up a grocery account so she can order her own shopping?

[GalaxyCookieCrumble]

I think it's sad that you do not eat as a family together, what makes you and your husband be like this if you are both working from home?

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

"Hey I can't be bothered cooking tonight and am just going to make a snack. Feel free to make yourself a snack with whatever is in the kitchen :)"

"Hey we're getting a take away tonight if you want to chip in for something?"

Just keep it to a casual text at the time, no need for any conversations.

[Newmumatlast]

@Sunnysideup999

I’m caught in a similar trap myself. Live out nanny is supposed to prepare the kids evening meal and I don’t mind If she cooks extra for her.
She doesn’t mind doing this at all, but it’s a bit of a rush for her to cook after she’s picked the kids up . There’s not much time and the kids are hungry.
So because I’ve been home I’ve been cooking the evening meal - which she helps herself too and eats with the kids. I don’t mind really but sometimes there’s not enough for my husband when he comes home much later! I normally only portion size for 2 adults and 2 children. I need to say something really.

The problem here is normally she cooks for the kids and you don't mind if she also has a portion herself. So she is used to that. You have taken over the meal cooking so unless explicitly have told her that doesn't include her - and really that's a bit harsh if she has been having food with the kids - I'm not sure why you only cook for 2 kids and 2 adults when there are 3 of the latter. Perhaps just go back to her cooking for them and her. I work full time and manage to pre empt childcare pick ups etc by cooking things like a casserole that stays hot for ages and that is easily heated back up so that I can cook it earlier when t suits for work. She could do that and then the kids wouldn't be coming home starving and waiting for food which she doesnt have much time to cook, as it would already be done and ready. It's also the sort of meal that doesnt take much prep and you can bung in the oven. There are alot of oven bakes/casserole style meals like that

[MessAllOver]

Goodness, I feel for you! Even though it's self-inflicted, having to cook a proper meal every night would drive me mad. I'd just tell her you're too busy with work at the moment to organise meals (which sounds true) so she can eat with the children when she cooks for them or make herself something later. Then I'd do snacks/microwave meals for a while.

One thing you could do if you've got the space is batch cook and freeze meals and then let her know she can heat up anything from the freezer. So she is "catered for" as she just has to heat it up but you don't have to cook every night.

[ivykaty44]

I would say look dh is going away and Im going to probably be eating add hock a few nights. Therefore If I leave the kitchen free for you to use around 6.30 or you cook when you do the children and eat it later

Make it a statement and not a question, keep it simple and don't talk about it to much - don't babble

[ivykaty44]

One thing you could do if you've got the space is batch cook and freeze meals and then let her know she can heat up anything from the freezer. So she is "catered for" as she just has to heat it up but you don't have to cook every night.

Nooooo

don't make work for yourself

the many is suppose to be lightening your work load not creating more

if the nanny wants to batch cook and freeze it she can

[Schummakker]

To all the people saying “she’s supposed to make your life easier” she is. She’s a full time nanny AND cleaner.

At first I was sympathetic but it’s clearly OP has actually made life harder for herself and now resents the nanny/cleaner for it.

A simple conversation would suffice for the umpteenth time people suggest it which would have been better than posting it on here to further the nanny bashing.

Very simple but OP is looking for sympathy as it’s unfathomable she doesn’t ‘get’ how easy this would be to fix!

[mooncakes]

It’s pretty hard for live in staff, totally dependent on the boss, to challenge what the boss does in their own home.

If your boss enjoys cooking elaborate meals and summons you down to eat yours, really how many nannies are going to refuse the meal or insist on cooking for themselves separately and seeming rude?
If my boss had very high standards for meals I wouldn’t feel confident offering to cook either.

[rc22]

I would say ask her to cook for herself but include her in the occasional take away.

[GADDay]

Tail wagging the dog? You hire people to do a job not make more work for you.

The best practical advice is for her to cook her own tea while the children are eating and reheat it later? Does her room have space for a small fridge/microwave/kettle?

[Royalbloo]

Wow - sorry I'm going to go against the grain but I cannot imagine having another human being living in my home (and caring for my children on a daily basis) and not offering her a meal.

Your home is her home, no?

[makingmammaries]

The suggestion to cook for her once a week and ask her to cook for you once a week is sound and makes expectations clear.
I certainly wouldn’t be setting up a shopping account for her unless you want to fund a Périgord truffle habit.
Food is available to her and she has opportunities to cook it when she cooks for the kids.
There have been some mean, jealous comments on this thread. You’re paying her a decent wage and she has accommodation and food on top; she doesn’t need to take the piss with 20 quid soups. You are her employer, not her cook.

[Schummakker]

@makingmammaries I doubt anyone is ‘jealous’ of the OP

@royalbloo @mooncakes seems there are two camps on this thread, the ones who see the predicament and try to understand how it’s got like this and those that clearly see a live in nanny as their servant therefore outraged at the thought of including her in family meal.

My sister had a young au-pair who worked bloody hard, far away from her own family completely depending on them. I’m really proud of how they made her part of the family and never an issue over food. If they ever felt like she was being unreasonable they would have spoken to her as an equal to sort something out.

[Royalbloo]

I would like to think if my sister or friend lived with a family then they would look after her Schummakker. If nothing else it demonstrates to children how people should treat other people.

[Beautiful3]

Could you explain that, " I don't fancy cooking dinners at the moment. You can either eat with the children, or let me know which ingredients you require by x, that way you can cook for yourself. Kitchens free during x time." That way if you fancy a take away you just get one for yourself.

[tallduckandhandsome]

I would like to think if my sister or friend lived with a family then they would look after her Schummakker. If nothing else it demonstrates to children how people should treat other people.

Being a nanny does not mean you get all meals cooked for you, that’s ridiculous.

[mooncakes]

@tallduckandhandsome

I would like to think if my sister or friend lived with a family then they would look after her Schummakker. If nothing else it demonstrates to children how people should treat other people.

Being a nanny does not mean you get all meals cooked for you, that’s ridiculous.

Being a live-in nanny usually means all food is provided though, and if your boss has decided to cook an elaborate meal every night you can't really refuse, can you?

[tallduckandhandsome]

What do you mean ‘refuse’? The nanny asked to eat with the family. Fair enough whilst OP is happy to cook but she doesn’t want to cook anymore and just wants to sort meals for herself, and that’s fine.

[mooncakes]

@tallduckandhandsome

What do you mean ‘refuse’? The nanny asked to eat with the family. Fair enough whilst OP is happy to cook but she doesn’t want to cook anymore and just wants to sort meals for herself, and that’s fine.

Did she ask? The OP has been very vague about how the situation arose, somehow this nanny "inveigled" her way in

[MeanMrMustardSeed]

@Schummakker you are very invested and seen to be incredibly riled by the situation. Maybe time to step away. I’m sure OP would like a range of opinions, rather than one rant on repeat.

OP, hope you get it sorted. You had some great advice on page 1. It can be tricky to undo things that have emerged over time and set expectations.

[VinylDetective]

The thing I can’t get my head round is why anyone would hand over a takeaway menu and invite her to choose. I’d order enough of my choice for three and she could take it or leave it. Equally it’s as easy to cook for three as two and just as easy to say on non cooking nights “I’m having a night off, help yourself to whatever you want”.

This is about a lot more than food.