Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

I’d order enough of my choice for three and she could take it or leave it.

Isn’t that a bit rude?

@mooncakes it may even be the nanny fancied a meal a few times and OP then began texting her daily to come get fed and nanny did so to avoid any awkwardness!

@flaviaritt

I’d order enough of my choice for three and she could take it or leave it.

Isn’t that a bit rude?

Of course not ! She wasn't consulted and given a menu of choice on every other night !

Of course not ! She wasn't consulted and given a menu of choice on every other night !

But a takeaway isn’t ‘every other night’. It’s weird to order your choice for someone else from a takeaway menu, surely? Why order for them at all if you’re not going to let them pick something?

To avoid someone taking the piss which is what this nanny is doing . TBH though if I were employing her and thought this I would get someone new.

VivaMiltonKeynes

I don’t know... We don’t order from any takeaways where a main course and some rice (or whatever) is going to break the bank. I wouldn’t make someone eat what they didn’t like.

@flaviaritt

I’d order enough of my choice for three and she could take it or leave it.

Isn’t that a bit rude?

No ruder than ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Why offer her a takeaway choice when she’s not offered a choice of home cooked meals?

No ruder than ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Why offer her a takeaway choice when she’s not offered a choice of home cooked meals?

Because it’s just...normal behaviour.

Not here it isn’t.

Evidently.

Yanbu. We have a live in nanny/housekeeper but she only started living at the beginning of the Lockdown.
Prior to that she came in the morning and had her breakfast and lunch here. I made her lunch because she was happy for me to do that. It was a pain at times because we have different diets and I had to make 2 different meals as opposed to just an additional portion of the same stuff.
When she started living in, I decided I definitely don't want to do that anymore especially with dinner being more to our types of meals.
So even though our arrangement was initially me cooking for her, I changed it because it did not suit me anymore.
For takeaways most of the time we order for her and even if I handed her the menu she would insist on me choosing. She's absolutely grateful for it. I think your nanny is absolutely taking advantage.

I think the problem here is that the nanny can't cook! She can probably manage nursery food and that's it.

Use your DH going away as a way to stop cooking and then tell her you found it much less stressful not cooking and don't want to go back to cooking every evening. I would also tell her now that when she goes to visit family that is the end of her contract.

Could you suggest a rota? Just like you might do with housemates. Include your husband and her, but give her the option to opt out altogether (in which case you obviously don't cook for her on 'your' days).

Win / win.

This seems confusing and I think you have just previously got lucky with other nannies/au pairs behaviour falling in with your expectations without sufficient clarity/discussion.

You provide the food, does she have the space in the fridge and cupboards to provide her own?

If you are providing food for someone else then yes you will have to plan meals in advance, I don't see how another adult can plan and cook without knowing what you want to be doing in your kitchen of an evening.

It almost sounds as though you want her to eat the same food as the children, that she cooks for them and as she's cooking for them she'd plan their meals and include stuff for herself at the same time.

I can see why an adult might not want to eat at kiddy teatime or eat the food some children prefer.

You object to her wanting the higher price stuff you have, but if she added steaks to your shopping list for herself and cooked them herself would that be ok?

I think you need more organisation and clarity on who is responsible for what, and when - I'd be reluctant to take over someone elses kitchen without knowing what their plans were and I'd find it hard to plan my meals and know what to put on the shopping list without that information.

I don't think you can live with another adult, who works for you, without some level of organisation and clear expectations and I think that is what you are trying to do.

@WiddlinDiddlin It almost sounds as though you want her to eat the same food as the children, that she cooks for them and as she's cooking for them she'd plan their meals and include stuff for herself at the same time.

Why would that be unfair? Sounds sensible.

Just don’t cook for her. Don’t message her. Sort yourself out and if she asks then you can say ‘oh the agreement was for you to eat with the children, if that’s not possible then feel free to use the kitchen to make yourself something’

Why would that be unfair? Sounds sensible.

Because she’s an adult woman, not a child. It’s reasonable to control their menu, not hers.

@flaviaritt
But the nanny herself is setting the menus for the children, no one is mandating what she cooks. So surely it makes sense for her to adapt what they're having for herself, or if she really can't find something they'll both eat, to make herself a meal as she makes theirs.

Don't see the big deal about eating at 5 - you can get used to anything if you need to - that is the time it suits her to eat given her job.

But the nanny herself is setting the menus for the children, no one is mandating what she cooks. So surely it makes sense for her to adapt what they're having for herself, or if she really can't find something they'll both eat, to make herself a meal as she makes theirs.

And yet she has to make something the kids will eat. Anyway, I disagree that it’s appropriate to tell another adult what to eat and when.

@flaviaritt
I disagree she's being told what to eat (she can cook what she wants). And we are all constrained in when we can eat by our jobs - that's a fact of life. I'd love to have a 3 course meal at lunchtime on a Wednesday, but it's not possible.

And we are all constrained in when we can eat by our jobs - that's a fact of life. I'd love to have a 3 course meal at lunchtime on a Wednesday, but it's not possible.

But if she isn’t working at her preferred evening meal time, she’s free to eat then, so it’s obviously possible.

I think given she partly raising your children it's a bit mean to pick at her for ordering an expensive soup. I wouldn't want to be cooking ever night either. But honestly I think you're making a bit of a fuss about what basically is a simple conversation.

[quote GreenestValley]**@WiddlinDiddlin* It almost sounds as though you want her to eat the same food as the children, that she cooks for them and as she's cooking for them she'd plan their meals and include stuff for herself at the same time.*

Why would that be unfair? Sounds sensible.[/quote]
Yeah if the kids are eating at a time the Nanny wants to eat, and food the Nanny wants to eat.. great.

Given thats not whats happening its likely they are eating too early for her and food she doesn't like.

What if the kids are eating chicken nuggets and potato waffles at 5pm but shes a steamed veg and pan fried fish at 7.30pm person?

@WiddlinDiddlin

OP has made it clear that the nanny can cook whatever she likes and request her own ingredients. But what she should also do is cook and eat at the same time as the kids - or at least, be done with the kitchen by the time OP wants to use it in the evening. That’s the impression I get. I feel like the kitchen is off limits for the nanny when OP is making complex evening meals.

@MeanMrMustardSeed well thank you for the concern but riled? I do dislike passive aggressive posts and yes I like to point it out. I think you are riled by my comments as I haven’t felt the need to ask anyone to leave this thread.

Very simple solution, as pointed out by others as I’m sure OP had the common sense to have worked out by herself without this thread.