Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[Audreyseyebrows]

Just stop cooking for her. She sounds capable and she’s sat in her room so she’s not in the kitchen waiting with a knife and fork in her hand.

[flaviaritt]

She is a nanny not an aupair. We said she could add any food she likes to our shopping order. Not food the kids eat but whatever she wanted to cook for herself. This is what our previous nannies have always done.

Notes the strategic lack of answering the question. 😂

But yes, it sounds like on the food side, you are being reasonable. Just tell her she has to sort her own evening meal. If she doesn’t want to add her food to the order, she doesn’t eat.

[cansu]

Why not just say that you are not going to cook much as husband is away and ask her to add any ingredients to the shopping list that she will need to cook her own meals. Longer term, decide what you are happy with. If you are happy to cook for her when cooking your own meal, do that. If you aren't, you may need to get used to her being around in the kitchen more in the evening preparing her own meal which you may find more irritating than simply doing an extra portion. I think your issue is that you are expecting her to eat at 5 with the kids and she doesn't want this. Personally, I would maybe offer her what I was cooking a few times a week and make it clear she will need to cook the other times herself. With reference to the takeaway, do this on one of your non cooking nights and don't order for her. However, it seems somewhat stingy to not include her when she is looking after your kids full time and living in your house!

[sushigate]

@flaviaritt

She is a nanny not an aupair. We said she could add any food she likes to our shopping order. Not food the kids eat but whatever she wanted to cook for herself. This is what our previous nannies have always done.

Notes the strategic lack of answering the question. 😂

But yes, it sounds like on the food side, you are being reasonable. Just tell her she has to sort her own evening meal. If she doesn’t want to add her food to the order, she doesn’t eat.

Literally answered everything you asked!!! If she can order any ingredients she likes it's up to her if the meal she makes is nutritious. She doesn't need to eat what the kids eat.

[DimidDavilby]

I can't believe you haven't given her her notice. It will be much easier for her to find a new position from the UK rather than home country. I guess less convenient for you though? Smh.

[flaviaritt]

Literally answered everything you asked!!!

I asked if she was paid as a nanny. You said she is a nanny.

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

I don’t work and obviously can’t go out anywhere atm I so have no reason to be too busy or tired to cook. But sometimes I just don’t feel like it and tell my DH and any adult DC who have boomeranged home ‘I’m not cooking tonight, you’ll have to fend for yourselves’. Just tell her that. Or ‘ I’m just doing a snack/takeaway for me and the D.C. tonight so I’ll be out of the kitchen by XXX time so you can make something for yourself’.

As long as you have a few staples in she won’t starve. Do that a few times and remind agin her that she can always add to the weekly shop if there is anything in particular she would like to prepare.

[sushigate]

@flaviaritt

She is a nanny not an aupair. We said she could add any food she likes to our shopping order. Not food the kids eat but whatever she wanted to cook for herself. This is what our previous nannies have always done.

Notes the strategic lack of answering the question. 😂

But yes, it sounds like on the food side, you are being reasonable. Just tell her she has to sort her own evening meal. If she doesn’t want to add her food to the order, she doesn’t eat.

Firstly, is she paid as a nanny, or an au pair?

A nanny as I said

Secondly, does she have access to food in the fridge, or are you (were you) expecting her to eat what she cooks for the kids?

She has full access to anything in the fridge and can order anything else she wants. She doss not need to eat what the kids eat (as I said)

Thirdly, when you say you provide all the ingredients, is this a full, adult, varied menu?

She can cook whatever she wants to eat. As I said

[flaviaritt]

Sounds reasonable, OP. Just tell her.

[MissCadoganTate]

You sound lovely but I think the set up is confusing. Ive been a nanny and I think I'd find it awkward. You've said that you'll pay for ingredients but that doesn't really make it as easy for her as I think you're imagining. She has to plan for the whole week in advance by a set time and you get to see everything she's adding to your list. It's just awkward.

I would not eat at 5pm with the kids, I'd want to cook later after I'd finished my duties. I imagine that giving her a time slot for the kitchen may help eg telling her that it's free to use after 7.30.

I would actually give her extra money each week for food and herself. Presumably there's no reason why she can't go to out by the supermarket?. It's much much easier.

Covid has clearly changed the rules in that you're all at home and that's awkward again for everyone unless shes v out going and confident.

You sound really nice, I just know how awkward some things were for me until I explained to my host and asked if we could change a few things. The changes were only v minor for the host but made a huge difference to me.

[GhostCurry]

I too need to know what the expensive takeaway item was.

[flaviaritt]

I would actually give her extra money each week for food and herself. Presumably there's no reason why she can't go to out by the supermarket?. It's much much easier.

Agreed.

[Norah8]

oh goodness.
you sound too nice and therefore she is taken advantage.
is ride it out till she goes abroad and finish the contract then.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

when you're getting take out, you should definitely just say "I'm not cooking this evening, help yourself to whatever you want" - and probably something similar if you're only making yourself a snack.

[SuperAlly]

Urgh nope. This would be intolerable for me. I couldn’t stand having a live-in nanny/housekeeper or au pair. Is it not horribly awkward? Like does she do housework while you’re just watching tv?

[Diverseopinions]

What I would do is say you are going to get a stack of ready meals in and she can have one of those in the evening with fruit or ready puddings. I'd say that you feel too tired to cook, sometimes, and, although you like doing it to relax, you don't want to feel you have to. She can try these, as she likes your choice and taste, and she knows where all the utensils are if she wants to rustle up something herself. Make sure the microwave is accessible. Have some washed salads in the fridge. If she, herself, is like you too tired to cook, then this should suit her. Then reiterate that you get tired and it will be a weight off your mind.

[simplyme83]

i would just be honest. explain to her that its becoming too much to have to cook for her each evening. there are times you dont feel like eating a cooked meal and just want a snack, and so you think its best you go back to her sorting herself out. ie eating with kids or cooking her own stuff. that if you are cooking something and there happens to be enough for her, then shes free to help herself. but otherwise she is free to either eat with the kids or make her own meal
the takeaway is a tricky one. i would actually expect her to pay for that. i know as a live in nanny, meals are included. but that doesnt necessarily include take aways

[Nunoftheother]

You've got to begrudgingly admire someone who takes on a job as nanny-cum-housekeeper and manages to wangle having their own personal cook.

[lilmishap]

How did she make it clear she expected you to feed her every day?

[flaviaritt]

I couldn’t stand having a live-in nanny/housekeeper or au pair. Is it not horribly awkward? Like does she do housework while you’re just watching tv?

I’m the same. Even my husband trying to do housework while I relax is impossible. I’d end up sweeping the floor with a flat mate doing the dishes. 😂

[mooncakes]

@Nunoftheother

You've got to begrudgingly admire someone who takes on a job as nanny-cum-housekeeper and manages to wangle having their own personal cook.

I don't think it's that unusual for live-in employees to eat with the family.

[TwoCupsOfLemonTea]

@SuperAlly

Urgh nope. This would be intolerable for me. I couldn’t stand having a live-in nanny/housekeeper or au pair. Is it not horribly awkward? Like does she do housework while you’re just watching tv?

She's nanny, not a housekeeper, why would she be doing housework whilst the op is watching TV?

[sushigate]

Thank you. Lots of helpful advice and kind comments. Some weeks I have just felt like I'm running a catering service (not just for her, I asked my DH to step up a bit too). I knew it was starting to get out of hand when I would lie in bed each night stressing about what meals I was going to provide for everyone the following day around my very full time job.

[underneaththeash]

Just tell her that ‘xx is going away for a few weeks and I’m just going to make myself something light in the evenings. Please put anything you want on the shopping order for the week.’ If you can be in the kitchen between 6.30-7 ish, I’ll come in after you.

[coconutpie]

I too would like to know what this expensive takeaway option was!!