Am I over-catering for our nanny?

[sushigate]

Cross posted from the Nannies thread as no response there although ready with my hard hat here in AIBU. Eek

We have a live in nanny/housekeeper (not as grand as it sounds. My husband and I both work full time and we have a spare bedroom so it was cheaper than live out help)

She is our fourth nanny over the years - we have always had great relationships with previous nannies and remain in close touch with all of them. When we interviewed her we explained that our nannies have always cooked and eaten with the kids. We explained we were happy to provide all ingredients required. She is a slightly older lady - not a young aupair.

I like to cook and somehow during lockdown she slightly inveigled herself on us making clear she'd like to eat the food I was making (albeit in her room) so I've found myself cooking every night and then sending her a message to say that dinner is ready at which she comes down and picks it up. Not once has she ever offered to cook for us and some evenings I feel the pressure of getting a meal ready at a consistent time when I maybe would have just made a snack for us. It's obviously not a huge difference most days to make an extra portion but on special
occasions when we splash out on a steak or something similar I'm starting to resent the cost and expectation that I will cater for her and when I order takeaway I feel it's even more of an imposition. In the past I've shown her a menu and she's ordered the most expensive item (more than we would spend on ourselves).

She wants to go and visit her family in her home country for a few months at the start of the year. She positioned it as wanting to return to us after but at that point we will almost certainly call it quits.

So what do I do in the meantime? Do I need to offer her a takeaway menu when we order for ourselves? My husband is going away for a few weeks and I don't want to feel like I have to cook every night. Should I just tell her to cater for herself whilst he's away? What about when he's back? I want to be able to be spontaneous and not be worrying about whether my nanny is sitting waiting for a meal!

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

[WineIsMyMainVice]

You sound like a really reasonable person/employer. You’ve got yourself into an awkward situation through being too generous. Yes that’s going to be a slightly difficult conversation, and one that you need to pick the right time for - but one that definitely needs to happen. Good luck 😉

[Goldensnitchy]

She sounds pretty bloody cheeky!

[sushigate]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

i find it really sad that your nanny/housekeeper/au-pair expects to have to eat a solitary meal in her room

Are you kidding? If I lived with my boss this would be the highlight of my day!

Me too - I would LOVE this! Ideal!

Trust me - the eating in her room is not an issue for her. With us all in the house all
day I don't blame her at all for wanting quiet time away from us in the evening.

She chats to her family online and eats a very sizeable portion of ever changing homemade food (I rarely make the same thing twice) from some of the nicest cookery books around. In fact the more I think about it the more I fancy her job over mine 😂

[kittybloom]

I have had nannies and au pairs over the years and this is just the sort of situation I would get myself into! Yes you should tackle it as others suggest. However, if I’m being honest, if the end is in sight then I’d probably leave it as what will be gained for the last few weeks? I’d just concentrate on her good points to stay sane and maybe I’d have a cup of coffee together and go through plans for the last few weeks and make clear what your plans are and that you won’t be cooking properly every night.

[Clymene]

Oh please please tell us what she ordered from the takeaway? @sushigate

Was it a platter of nigiri?

[Schummakker]

This is what I’d do as it won’t be for much longer she’s with you... I’d say to her by the way I’m not going to be cooking every night anymore. When I do I’ll text you to see if you’d like dinner. Then when you order take away, don’t even ask if she’d like some. Sorry I won’t be able to tell you in advance so maybe you can get some things in.

To those saying she should eat with the children, that is her choice not yours. Please don’t go so far as to infringe on someone they must eat at a certain time with your kids.

[HTH1]

Lobster in sweet and sour sauce? Fillet steak vindaloo?

[FusionChefGeoff]

Can you ask / just get some back up meals for the freezer so when you can't be arsed to cook she can chuck a Kiev / pizza in the oven and no one's going hungry?

[CareBear50]

Re the takeaway I'd say something like


"Clare we're having takeaway tonight and you're welcome to join us...have a look at the menu and order anything you want up to £x value"

[Oly4]

I’d also say you’re not going to cook when husband away and to help herself to cook what she likes. Just tell her to add the food to the order.
Then when DH is back tell her you think it’s best to continue in the same way as you don’t know what you will be cooking...so easier if she sorts herself

[flaviaritt]

A very sizeable portion, eh? 😂

[Cheesypea]

Have one or 2 days a night when you dont cook. Just ask her to fend for herself. It doesn't need to be a big deal.
Did she order the king prawns?

[SunshineCake]

@CareBear50

Re the takeaway I'd say something like

"Clare we're having takeaway tonight and you're welcome to join us...have a look at the menu and order anything you want up to £x value"

Oh goodness, don't say that! Suggesting you go halves is fine. ^ is not.

[sushigate]

Going to keep you guessing on the order but yes, she managed to find the most expensive items on a sushi menu, a Singaporean menu and from a nice Turkish restaurant. She's living her best life 😀

[SunshineCake]

Why keep people guessing?. It's not that interesting.

[5863921l]

You're being a bit ridiculous with a different fancy meal every night. Why would you do that? In her position I would think this was something you enjoyed.

[essexmum777]

This doesn't sit well with me, you are literally asking her to do two jobs (nanny and cleaner) and bitching about her behind her back for ordering a treat when you said order what you like from the menu.

Just make your expectations and boundaries clear and be professional, and bitching about her behind her back on mumsnet is not professional.

[sushigate]

@5863921l

You're being a bit ridiculous with a different fancy meal every night. Why would you do that? In her position I would think this was something you enjoyed.

I enjoy cooking for my husband, I enjoy cooking to take my mind off my stressful job and get away from a screen. I do not enjoy feeling like I have to make something one evening when it all feels like too much because my nanny is sitting waiting to be fed (or alternatively to me spending £20+ on a takeaway soup for her!)

[AlrightTreacle]

I'm not the shy and retiring type but somehow this has got a bit out of hand and I'm struggling to respectfully work out the right way to get things back on track.

Well you're making yourself sound like a bit of a martyr to me, why are you acting like her personal chef and asking her what she wants from the takeaway?! Just be polite but firm and say that you've had enough of cooking for her and going forward she can cook something for herself during these times?

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

it would be lovely to have a meal cooked for you sometimes

I was thinking this - I know that it isn't strictly her job to cook for you, but it isn't your responsibility to feed her either.

It would be considerate and courteous of her to say to you - "You put your feet up - I'll cook tonight" (Even if it's just a toastie, not having to cook it for yourself makes a huge difference - I HATE cooking, myself - HATE it)

[Clymene]

knew it

If someone orders the most expensive item on the menu every single time, no matter what the cuisine when someone else is paying, they're not doing it because that's what they most want to eat, they're doing it to get back at the person footing the bill.

That's a pattern of behaviour. It may be that she doesn't like you, that she thinks you're made or money or for some other reason but it's not a coincidence.

[sushigate]

@Clymene

knew it

If someone orders the most expensive item on the menu every single time, no matter what the cuisine when someone else is paying, they're not doing it because that's what they most want to eat, they're doing it to get back at the person footing the bill.

That's a pattern of behaviour. It may be that she doesn't like you, that she thinks you're made or money or for some other reason but it's not a coincidence.

To be fair it's not been the most expensive item every time but I don't think she even looks at the prices. I guess she thinks if I'm offering a menu she can literally choose whatever she fancies without thinking is it ok to order a £20 soup! And why not? I fully admit, I'm the problem for having allowed this to happen.

[Schummakker]

Argh I would absolutely hate to be eating food someone begrudged me! I cringe reading OP’s comments.

Does she do the au-pair and cleaning role full time?

It does sound like instead of you buying her extra food she’s figured she will just have what you’re having and sees herself as part of the family and may come from a culture of sharing food generously.

Please OP, speak to her as it isn’t fair on her either.

[Cherrysoup]

Re takeaways, be brutal, tell her you’re not cooking, she can sort herself out. Meanwhile, you get takeaway. In fact, do that every night.

[cbt944]

Oh, I don't know the solution - other than speaking up and stating what you would be happy with - but it is ironic that you are effectively the maid/cook/shouter of expensive takeaway foods for this nanny. She is supposed to be making life easier for you. Very odd situation, I think.