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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think cheating with contraception is more common than I used to believe

205 replies

Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 19:48

I am now beginning to think it’s more common. Recent threads haven’t helped this suspicion either. I wonder why anyone would do it and in what state of mind. It’s a lifetime commitment as it should be and stopping contraception without telling your partner should really be criminal. How is it consensual sex after all? Looking to hear your thoughts and share your stories of the CF women/men you know who have tried this.

OP posts:
Sadhoot · 01/12/2020 19:49

Looking to hear your thoughts and share your stories of the CF women/men you know who have tried this.

Are you indeed, Mr Journo? Smile

PigsInHeaven · 01/12/2020 19:50

You first, OP?

Biancadelrioisback · 01/12/2020 19:51

Why?.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 19:51

@Sadhoot

Looking to hear your thoughts and share your stories of the CF women/men you know who have tried this.

Are you indeed, Mr Journo? Smile

Nope. Been here for five + years. Ask mumsnet to verify. I have learnt so many life skills on mumsnet and have lived a very academic sort of life outside, not remotely street smart. I wish I had found mumsnet a decade or so earlier though.
OP posts:
Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 19:52

@Biancadelrioisback

Why?.
I just think there is a conversation to be had.
OP posts:
BeenThereDoneThat3 · 01/12/2020 19:53

I’ve seen threads on here where an OP has been told to just stop taking the pill if the dh doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want to use condoms.

It’s certainly true that genuine contraceptive failure is not as high as some would have people believe, most contraceptive “failure” is down to the contraception not being used properly.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 19:55

@BeenThereDoneThat3

I’ve seen threads on here where an OP has been told to just stop taking the pill if the dh doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want to use condoms.

It’s certainly true that genuine contraceptive failure is not as high as some would have people believe, most contraceptive “failure” is down to the contraception not being used properly.

Agree that lots of contraceptive failure is down to incorrect use, missed pills, etc.
OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/12/2020 20:01

I’ve seen threads on here where an OP has been told to just stop taking the pill if the dh doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want to use condoms

If the pill is causing issues for the woman (or even if it isn’t) and she doesn’t want to take it anymore, she absolutely should stop. Telling her partner that she has stopped is the right thing to do of course. If she is happy with the outcome of pregnancy but he is not, it’s then up to him to sort some contraception for himself.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/12/2020 20:02

The only contraception both parties can see and therefore rely on is condoms. However stealthing is a well know shitbag male behaviour so nothing is for sure.

MaryBoBary · 01/12/2020 20:03

I hadn't thought of it before but I think I agree that lying about contraception should have the same consequences regardless of who lied.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:05

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I’ve seen threads on here where an OP has been told to just stop taking the pill if the dh doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want to use condoms

If the pill is causing issues for the woman (or even if it isn’t) and she doesn’t want to take it anymore, she absolutely should stop. Telling her partner that she has stopped is the right thing to do of course. If she is happy with the outcome of pregnancy but he is not, it’s then up to him to sort some contraception for himself.

Completely agree with this. We can make a vaccine within months literally. It amazes me why it has taken so long to make a reliable contraceptive pill for men. I know the answer anyway. But do discuss with your partner and put everything on the table. How can anyone just stop taking pills/remove coil and live with it? It’s a child you are raising into deception.
OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 01/12/2020 20:06

It couldn't be made a criminal offence, it would be too difficult to prove.

I've only known women whose partners were unsure, but not fully against having a baby and the woman felt that they needed a push.

Other than that I've known women who were happy to go ot alone, to get deliberately pregnant after lying about contraception.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 20:07

It's well known that some men will try to discretely remove a condom. And it's well known that some women will stop using contraception without telling their partner.

Women should be able to stop taking the pill if they dont want to, if the man doesn't want a child then he can wear a condom.

I'm pregnant, I wont be going on contraception again, its DH that only wants one so he can use condoms or get the snip.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 20:09

They actually trialled a contraceptive for men but decided that the side effects (low in comparison to ours) meant that so few would use it that it wasn't financially viable. Although the actual men in the trial were postive about it.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:10

@Ponoka7

It couldn't be made a criminal offence, it would be too difficult to prove.

I've only known women whose partners were unsure, but not fully against having a baby and the woman felt that they needed a push.

Other than that I've known women who were happy to go ot alone, to get deliberately pregnant after lying about contraception.

Removing coil is easy enough to prove. I know a family where DH was 100% onboard with TTC but wife wasn’t. It was a really contraceptive failure the details of which came out after their GP investigated a bit. So that was a different scenario and no cheating really.
OP posts:
Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:12

@Nottherealslimshady

They actually trialled a contraceptive for men but decided that the side effects (low in comparison to ours) meant that so few would use it that it wasn't financially viable. Although the actual men in the trial were postive about it.
It’s overwhelmingly men who approve grant applications in life sciences still. I wonder when this will change.
OP posts:
EvilPea · 01/12/2020 20:13

I had a double contraception failure. I tell people and they are like this Hmm
But sometimes I think babies have other ideas.

BanginChoons · 01/12/2020 20:14

It’s a lifetime commitment as it should be and stopping contraception without telling your partner should really be criminal.

Or.. How about more investment and research into male contraceptives which means both partners can take better responsibility for their reproductive potential.
Each sexual encounter can create a baby. It's not just the woman's job to be responsible for that.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:15

@EvilPea

I had a double contraception failure. I tell people and they are like this Hmm But sometimes I think babies have other ideas.
Tell us more. It’s interesting to hear this as this colleague of mine had a health issue that flared up, making the contraception effectively useless without her realising it.
OP posts:
Nunoftheother · 01/12/2020 20:16

What astonishes me is the number of men who try to get away without wearing a condom, despite having no intention of commiting to the woman they're planning to sleep with - or even knowing anything about their sexual history.

bestguesstimate · 01/12/2020 20:17

I have a former friend who wanted children but her DH didn’t. He had booked to get the snip and a few months beforehand she boasted to me that she had stopped taking the pill in an effort to thwart his plans and get pregnant... Thankfully she didn’t get pregnant. She married him to get her way in other areas however.

Nunoftheother · 01/12/2020 20:17

Each sexual encounter can create a baby.

Not true, for several reasons.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:18

@BanginChoons
I agree with you. If you read my posts, I have said very clearly that it’s a pity women are expected to swallow all sorts of hormones for decades and men get away with it.
My point is that if you stop it and don’t tell your partner, it’s effectively sex without consent and a crime, though hard to prove (except if you remove a coil at a clinic, post on mumsnet fertility boards and then declare in a new thread that it was an accidental pregnancy that your partner wasn’t ready for Hmm).

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 01/12/2020 20:23

It's the responsibility of the person who doesn't want to have a baby to make sure that they don't have a baby.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:27

@StephenBelafonte

It's the responsibility of the person who doesn't want to have a baby to make sure that they don't have a baby.
What is the responsibility of the other person when they have declared that they are indeed taking contraceptives? Where did their end of the bargain go?
OP posts: