Page 3 | To think cheating with contraception is more common than I used to believe

TiptopJ · 01/12/2020 21:24

If a man tricks a woman into getting pregnant hes putting her at so many more risks than when its the other way round. Its women who carry the health risk of pregnancy and labour, its women who have to endure a termination if they don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, its womens bodies that are changed forever after carrying a child and women who face the social backlash if they walk away. It not right to deceive a man but I don't agree they are the same thing.

oakleaffy · 01/12/2020 21:28

Very common, alas.
My neighbour, a man, had 3 adult and teen children.
Said categorically “ No more”.
Shoulda had the snip.

Woman, 40’s was living with him.
She was podgy, so was able to “ Hide” a pregnancy from him til 6 months.

She “ discovered “ she was pregnant at 6 months so say,
He said she swore she was having regular periods.
She duped him, and I felt so sorry for him.

They moved after a year, don’t know if they are still together.

Bathrum · 01/12/2020 21:33

For many years my DP didn't want to have children and I did. It was a real issue between us, and one I spoke to friends about quite a bit. I can't tell you how many times I was told to 'just get pregnant, wink'.

It shocked me every time I would be given this advice. I wouldn't dream of intentionally secretly/accidentally trying to get pregnant if my DP very clearly didn't want to have a child... I just think that's such a nasty, selfish, shitty thing to do, despite my own very strong wishes on the matter. I can't help but judge people who do this, and as well as those who advise others to do this.

(FWIW, he came around in the end... )

oakleaffy · 01/12/2020 21:35

@Thewithesarehere
Worst case I heard of was on radio 4
Chap always bought and put on his own condoms.

He received letter from CSA - or similar?- from a woman saying she had his baby

It went to court, the baby was his.

She admitted to sperm harvesting from the used condom while he was in the shower.

He had to pay.

It is a low thing to do, a kid grows up not knowing who his or her dad is... wrong on so many levels.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/12/2020 21:39

[quote Thewithesarehere]@BoomBoomsCousin
I think I got your point wrong. It looks like you mean to say that the consequences should be harsher for men if they lie about contraception and it results in pregnancy. Is that correct? If yes, I agree with that.[/quote]
I think the legal consequences should be harsher for men, probably criminal. Where as for women I think it would be fine for consequences to be civil only.

I do think we need more social pressure on women not to do it, though. I agree with the implication of your OP that it is currently too common and too many women don't think it's that bad an idea. But I also think we need far more pressure on men not to leave contraception up to women.

The fact our medical ethics boards won't go ahead with trials on male hormonal contraception because the side effects (which are significantly milder than for female hormonal contraception) are considered too severe is, I think, a telling example of the double standard Western culture has over responsibility for contraception.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/12/2020 21:47

@Thewithesarehere

it is fundamentally different for men and women to be deceived about contraception because only women can get pregnant. How is it different? Babies turn your life upside down if you genuinely wish to parent. All plans go out of the window and have to revolve around the baby if they don’t. But most importantly, your partner has not been informed about stopping the contraception. That is sex without consent hence a crime. Why is it one rule for men another for women?

Risk to men: caring for or paying for a child he didn’t want

Risk to women: choosing the outcome of that pregnancy, going through abortion/pregnancy (which can be life threatening to some women, going through labour, all the woes of feeding that child... The list goes on and on.

I have a 10 week old and I don’t feel completely back to normal yet. She was very much planned by both DH and I but the impact on my life has been far bigger than on his.

CorianderQueen · 01/12/2020 21:54

I think it's a form of assault like stealthing. Hard to prove though.

Temporary1234 · 01/12/2020 22:00

I’ve been once advised to secretly “put a hole in it”. I was shocked tbh and was told this is a common thing

Thewinterofdiscontent · 01/12/2020 22:02

*It’s a lifetime commitment as it should be and stopping contraception without telling your partner should really be criminal.”

Men can walk away if they don’t want a baby. Men can use condoms if they don’t want a baby. It’s not the same for men.
Women can bring up a baby perfectly well on their own. Been doing it for centuries.
I agree with a PP - the person that doesn’t want the baby sorts the contraception .

Backbee · 01/12/2020 22:05

I had a double contraception failure. I tell people and they are like this

Hah same. I had been on the same pill for over a decade, took it at the same time everyday (alarm on phone set in case I forgot which I never did), if I had a bad stomach or was sick we would use condoms for a while after in case. People still don't believe me, but I know it's the truth so not too bothered! For either partner to lie about contraception is wrong.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/12/2020 22:06

Someone once said in here that people spend more time thinking about the decision to not have kids than the decision to have them.
I think this is it. "I want, I get". Sometimes with added bad intention.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/12/2020 22:08

[quote oakleaffy]@Thewithesarehere
Worst case I heard of was on radio 4
Chap always bought and put on his own condoms.

He received letter from CSA - or similar?- from a woman saying she had his baby

It went to court, the baby was his.

She admitted to sperm harvesting from the used condom while he was in the shower.

He had to pay.

It is a low thing to do, a kid grows up not knowing who his or her dad is... wrong on so many levels.[/quote]
Should be a prison sentence. Imagine what damage a parent like this can do to a child.

Dashel · 01/12/2020 22:10

I think I get what you are getting at OP, it does seem some women are ok about other women not taking the pill and lying about it to deliberately get pregnant.

I think it should work both ways and each sexual partner should be honest about what contraception they are using and together both agree to ttc. Accidents definitely happen but that is totally different and a risk both parties can agree to take if there is honesty.

Pudmyboy · 01/12/2020 22:24

I know two women who wanted a pregnancy, the partner didn't, but each woman told the man that they were on contraception and so he didn't need a condom: then each claimed contraception failure when they got pregnant. To my mind not a good basis for a relationship. Did not end well for each: both hoped for a long-term commitment from the partner, neither got it.
Fully agree 'stealthing' (taking off condom during sex) should be assault.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2020 22:34

@lockupyourcinammon

I can’t understand the posts about taking a daily pill being hard or ‘difficult to operate’. Set an alarm on your phone, job done

. If you can’t reliably take a tiny pill once a day there’s something wrong

Well indeed. If you’re struggling with that you’ll find parenting impossible.

showmethegin · 01/12/2020 22:56

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I’ve seen threads on here where an OP has been told to just stop taking the pill if the dh doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want to use condoms

If the pill is causing issues for the woman (or even if it isn’t) and she doesn’t want to take it anymore, she absolutely should stop. Telling her partner that she has stopped is the right thing to do of course. If she is happy with the outcome of pregnancy but he is not, it’s then up to him to sort some contraception for himself.

This makes it sound so flippant. I'm sorry but why would you decide to have a baby like this. If your post was, "if he doesn't want to use a condom then don't have sex with him" then fair enough but to be like "well I don't mind if I get pregnant and he didn't mind enough to stop it".

Why would anyone want to bring life into the world like this. It's ridiculous. Contraception fails happen but if you have sex take some responsibility.

showmethegin · 01/12/2020 23:00

So passive, "yeah if you don't wear a condom that's your choice, if I get pregnant then oh well'

Autumnblooms · 01/12/2020 23:04

There needs to be more contraception for men, that’s the problem really.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/12/2020 23:11

lockupyourcinammon

I can’t understand the posts about taking a daily pill being hard or ‘difficult to operate’. Set an alarm on your phone, job done hmm. If you can’t reliably take a tiny pill once a day there’s something wrong

Most people manage, over the course of doing something thousands of times, to mess it up once or twice. Then there are the people who have difficulty with routine. People whose lives are already chaotic - poor living arrangements, so difficulty keeping a phone charged, or difficulty keeping medication safe; non routine lives so even if the alarm reminds them it's not always easy to take the tablet then; or working shifts so a daily alarm or sticking to a short daily window can be disruptive. Some people are young (and it's young people for whom daily pills are particularly ineffective in practice) and a bit immature, not great at prioritizing and not good at risk assessment.

There's a big difference in intent (which is generally important when talking about ethics and the law) between deceptively trying to get pregnant and trying not to get pregnant but not being as diligent about it as you could be.

Elsiebear90 · 01/12/2020 23:12

I think it’s very common, I had a very close friend who admitted to getting her implant removed without telling her partner and then blamed him for not regularly checking she still had it in. I had another friend who admitted she stopped taking the pill and blamed her boyfriend for not wearing condoms despite her not telling him she was no longer taking the pill, previous neighbour admitted not having her contraceptive injection because she wanted a third child and her husband disagreed. Their “official” explanations are that these were accidental pregnancies and I’m not sure exactly what they told their partners. I wonder if I have known so many women who brazenly admit to it how many women there are out there who haven’t admitted it to anyone.

DinkyDiggies · 01/12/2020 23:16

Oh come on OP. If a man stealths, he gets no consequences and is free to waltz off into the sunset. If a woman doe the same she has to face the huge ‘natural consequences’ of her decision, including risks to her own life in pregnancy and childbirth. Pregnancy for many women is a very gruelling physical experience, and Women can’t just walk away from it, can’t say I don’t want to be sick today, I don’t quite fancy having SPD this week or actually birthing seems a bit of a chore- I’ll swerve that. Men get none of this.
Women then get 18 years of responsibility, career and pay taking a hit, often working part time, while men often have to get chased up and feel hard done to when asked to pay a bit of child support.

Lou98 · 01/12/2020 23:26

Removing coil is easy enough to prove

It isn't easy to prove that it wasn't discussed before hand though.

Personally I think that it's awful people will lie about taking contraception to try and get pregnant, there's a difference between this and true contraception failure.

However, I do also think that if one person wants a baby and the other doesn't, it's up to the one who doesn't to be the one to use/take contraception as they're the one wanting to prevent it.

No contraception is 100% effective even when used properly so even with protected sex, there is a risk of pregnancy, no body should be relying on someone else to lower this risk of having a baby if it is something you are adamant you don't want.

showmethegin · 01/12/2020 23:28

@DinkyDiggies yeas indeed. I don't think anyone is arguing that pregnancy and motherhood is not more taxing than being a father but it has to work both ways.

showmethegin · 01/12/2020 23:32

@Lou98

Removing coil is easy enough to prove

It isn't easy to prove that it wasn't discussed before hand though.

Personally I think that it's awful people will lie about taking contraception to try and get pregnant, there's a difference between this and true contraception failure.

However, I do also think that if one person wants a baby and the other doesn't, it's up to the one who doesn't to be the one to use/take contraception as they're the one wanting to prevent it.

No contraception is 100% effective even when used properly so even with protected sex, there is a risk of pregnancy, no body should be relying on someone else to lower this risk of having a baby if it is something you are adamant you don't want.

And maybe we have to take control of our bodies. Accidents happen sure but basically letting ourselves get pregnant because he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom and you let him because you wouldn't mind a baby? Who thinks like this? Madness

Lou98 · 01/12/2020 23:37

And maybe we have to take control of our bodies. Accidents happen sure but basically letting ourselves get pregnant because he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom and you let him because you wouldn't mind a baby? Who thinks like this? Madness

The point I made was quite literally, take control of your own body - be responsible for your own contraception and your own choices.

It's not something I would do, just pointing out that if one partner doesn't want to take/use contraception and wants a baby, and the other knows this, the one who doesn't can either leave the relationship or take control of their own body and use contraception themselves.