Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think cheating with contraception is more common than I used to believe

205 replies

Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 19:48

I am now beginning to think it’s more common. Recent threads haven’t helped this suspicion either. I wonder why anyone would do it and in what state of mind. It’s a lifetime commitment as it should be and stopping contraception without telling your partner should really be criminal. How is it consensual sex after all? Looking to hear your thoughts and share your stories of the CF women/men you know who have tried this.

OP posts:
crackofdoom · 01/12/2020 20:30

*I had a double contraception failure. I tell people and they are like this hmm
But sometimes I think babies have other ideas.

Tell us more. It’s interesting to hear this as this colleague of mine had a health issue that flared up, making the contraception effectively useless without her realising it.*

Happened to me in my late teens. Condom split - then, when I was given the MAP, for some reason I didn't take the dosage instructions in properly. You were given 4 pills, two to be taken ASAP, two to be taken 12 hours after that. For some reason, I immediately swallowed....one Hmm. 12 hours later, I went to take the second dose, re read the instructions, and thought "Oh fuck. Still, I'm sure it'll be fine".....It wasn't.

(I do realise this was not technically a double contraceptive failure, more a contraceptive failure teamed with a basic comprehension failure Blush)

StrippedFridge · 01/12/2020 20:32

I am often surprised at how many women on here got pregnant by accident due to a contraceptive failure. Apparently contraception is incredibly difficult to operate successfully. Hmm

june2007 · 01/12/2020 20:36

A few things, there is a larger choice for women then men. Condoms are not the be and end all. they effect sexual funtion as well as pleasure and are not 100 fool proof as I found out. I also had a failure of morning after pill so thats a double contraceptive failure. Child very much love and were still together 13 years on. But lying is wrong and hurts everyone.

crackofdoom · 01/12/2020 20:36

Well, if even the pill is only 99% effective when used properly (and condoms are what, 95%?), then that's still a lot of fertile fucks, statistically speaking Grin

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/12/2020 20:38

I think it's very common. I've seen it happen among my brothers no less than 4 times. All these "surprise" pregnancies. Yeah right. Mind you - they should have taken their own precautions if they didn't want to create a pregnancy. Particularly the one who knocked up his secretary while he was already married with kids. Idiot.

StrippedFridge · 01/12/2020 20:38

My third child was an accident. I don't mean DH and I both slipped on a wet floor while naked and I happened to land on DH's cock. I mean we were both horny as fuck and the toddlers were having a rare simultaneous weekend afternoon nap, a happy alignment of the stars that hadn't happened in ages and we decided to risk not using the cap or the condom so we could just get down to it as quickly as possible. Anyway, she's a lovely teenager now.

I wonder how many "accidents" on here are like that.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 20:38

@StrippedFridge

I am often surprised at how many women on here got pregnant by accident due to a contraceptive failure. Apparently contraception is incredibly difficult to operate successfully. Hmm
Sorry to say this but taking a tablet every single day of your life religiously is a fucking PITA and a bloody nightmare if you have highly stressful career and are working all the hours under the sun. I do sometimes think that this is one of the reasons why men’s contraceptive pill didn’t get ‘successful’: it is one more job on the long list of wifework.
OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/12/2020 20:38

Men should not be relying on women taking the pill for birth control, for one it is lazy on their part and abdicating all responsibility, and second it is not reliable. All sorts of medications interact with it for example, including some foods like grapefruits. If you don't want to get a woman pregnant then use a condom and spermicide or get a vasectomy.

StrippedFridge · 01/12/2020 20:42
  1. Men can just fuck off into the sunset if they don't fancy being a dad. That's why the male contraceptive never took off.
  1. Would I forgo all contraception under my personal control because a man said he had been taking the male pill faithfully? Like hell I would because of point 1 above. I'd use mine anyway.
StrippedFridge · 01/12/2020 20:44

I am not defending men not using contraception btw. Far from it. As DH tells our sons, if you don't wear a condom that's a planned pregnancy son.

Leaannb · 01/12/2020 20:54

It goes down to rights to choose. Its up to the woman to decide what to put her in her body or not and even when to stop. Ots not sex without consent. Each person is responsible for their own reproductive choices

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/12/2020 20:55

@MaryBoBary

I hadn't thought of it before but I think I agree that lying about contraception should have the same consequences regardless of who lied.
It is fundamentally different for men and women to be deceived about contraception because only women can get pregnant. So the consequences of being deceived if you are a woman will be different to the consequences of being deceived if you are a man.

We can't change that simply because we want it to be equal. Any social or legal consequence should take into account the difference in impact or it will be unfair.

The type of deception involved is also generally different. The only ones that they can each participate in equally are lying about being infertile and sabotaging condoms. When it comes to hormonal contraception and IUDs you're talking about a requirement women discuss their medical care and when it comes to stealthing you're talking about a form of rape. These things aren't equal.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/12/2020 20:55

If you have sex with someone who has led you to believe that they are using contraception, wither by outright lying or by omission then you have not given informed consent. It doesn't matter that men should use condoms if they don't want babies etc. - if he has sex with a woman who has led him to believe she is using contraception, he has not given informed consent, just as a woman who has sex with a man who tricks her into thinking he's using a condom.

Either way, it's an awful thing to do.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/12/2020 21:01

@StrippedFridge

I am often surprised at how many women on here got pregnant by accident due to a contraceptive failure. Apparently contraception is incredibly difficult to operate successfully. Hmm
Why are you surprised? Most contraception is unreliable to a fairly large extent even if you follow all the requirements every single time and some of the requirements are difficult to follow every single time. It is fairly difficult to "operate" and that is clear from simply reading the instructions for it, let alone actually using it.
Leaannb · 01/12/2020 21:02

@Thewithesarehere...Female contraception has come a long way than just the pill. One procedure and you are good for 10 years. The hassle of taking a pill is a weak ass excuse. IBeing responsible for your own health is not wife work. Ots called being a responsible adult

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyToast · 01/12/2020 21:02

I was born due to contraception sabotage. My parents lost a baby before me and there was a chance I could have the same health issue. My dad couldn't bear the idea of losing another baby but my mam felt she couldn't live without one. So here I am. I can't really judge my mother tbh.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 21:05

it is fundamentally different for men and women to be deceived about contraception because only women can get pregnant.
How is it different? Babies turn your life upside down if you genuinely wish to parent. All plans go out of the window and have to revolve around the baby if they don’t.
But most importantly, your partner has not been informed about stopping the contraception. That is sex without consent hence a crime. Why is it one rule for men another for women?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 21:06

[quote Leaannb]@Thewithesarehere...Female contraception has come a long way than just the pill. One procedure and you are good for 10 years. The hassle of taking a pill is a weak ass excuse. IBeing responsible for your own health is not wife work. Ots called being a responsible adult[/quote]
Not all procedures suit everyone. Did you think of that? Talking from personal experience.

OP posts:
confusedx3 · 01/12/2020 21:10

@Thewithesarehere lol try telling my absent father and young single mother that the consequences weren't different.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 21:10

If you charge someone for reckless endangerment towards parenthood for not using contraception INTENTIONALLY what happens if someone accidentally forgets a pill or rips a condom?

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 21:13

[quote confusedx3]@Thewithesarehere lol try telling my absent father and young single mother that the consequences weren't different.[/quote]
Sorry that this happened to you. I have clearly said though that if you wish to parent, having an unplanned baby takes over your life and changes it permanently.

OP posts:
lockupyourcinammon · 01/12/2020 21:14

I can’t understand the posts about taking a daily pill being hard or ‘difficult to operate’. Set an alarm on your phone, job done Hmm. If you can’t reliably take a tiny pill once a day there’s something wrong

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/12/2020 21:14

@Thewithesarehere

it is fundamentally different for men and women to be deceived about contraception because only women can get pregnant. How is it different? Babies turn your life upside down if you genuinely wish to parent. All plans go out of the window and have to revolve around the baby if they don’t. But most importantly, your partner has not been informed about stopping the contraception. That is sex without consent hence a crime. Why is it one rule for men another for women?
I state how it's different in the very line you quoted!

To spell it out - Contraception failure can lead to pregnancy which may or may not lead to a child. If the child comes then, theoretically, it can turn both the man and the woman's life upside down (though let's not kid ourselves that the burden is, currently, equally shared and that may be partially biologically based too - we don't really do the research on that to know) but the prior nine months of pregnancy are not something that can be the same for men. There is physical risk and hardship involved for women that men do not face.

Original poster
Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 21:16

@BoomBoomsCousin
I think I got your point wrong. It looks like you mean to say that the consequences should be harsher for men if they lie about contraception and it results in pregnancy. Is that correct? If yes, I agree with that.

OP posts: