To think cheating with contraception is more common than I used to believe

[Thewithesarehere]

I am now beginning to think it’s more common. Recent threads haven’t helped this suspicion either. I wonder why anyone would do it and in what state of mind. It’s a lifetime commitment as it should be and stopping contraception without telling your partner should really be criminal. How is it consensual sex after all? Looking to hear your thoughts and share your stories of the CF women/men you know who have tried this.

@DinkyDiggies

Oh come on OP. If a man stealths, he gets no consequences and is free to waltz off into the sunset. If a woman doe the same she has to face the huge ‘natural consequences’ of her decision, including risks to her own life in pregnancy and childbirth. Pregnancy for many women is a very gruelling physical experience, and Women can’t just walk away from it, can’t say I don’t want to be sick today, I don’t quite fancy having SPD this week or actually birthing seems a bit of a chore- I’ll swerve that. Men get none of this. Women then get 18 years of responsibility, career and pay taking a hit, often working part time, while men often have to get chased up and feel hard done to when asked to pay a bit of child support.

The fact that they get it worse doesn't mean women should be ok to stealth or that all should be forgiven. No way can anyone moan about consequences if they actively acted to get them. If I go and jump of the second floor of the building I won't have no right to moan about my damaged legs. Same for this.

Lying about contraception is wring no matter what sex person is and frankly, if someone is that damaged they do this, they shouldn't have kids unt they get some help with theor issues.

Completely agree with a women having having it all ok her shoulders by taking hormonal pills/implants/injections or invasive coil insertions and men getting away Scot free. If a women decides to stop taking hormones it is well within her right to make that choice on her own as long as she has told her partner and he is given the option to wrap up.

I told my partner a year into our relationship I was coming off contraception as I had been on it from I was 15 and was fed up with the side effects and that he would need to wear a condom or suss out another male contraception as we weren’t wanting a baby at that time. Thankfully he agreed and wasn’t annoyed. No accidents in that whole year :) until we actively were ttc

Although I must say I fell pregnant at 21 while on the pill during rebound sex. I was devastated but wouldn’t change a thing now

@Pudmyboy

I know two women who wanted a pregnancy, the partner didn't, but each woman told the man that they were on contraception and so he didn't need a condom: then each claimed contraception failure when they got pregnant. To my mind not a good basis for a relationship. Did not end well for each: both hoped for a long-term commitment from the partner, neither got it. Fully agree 'stealthing' (taking off condom during sex) should be assault.

Stealthing (man taking off a condom during sex without the woman's knowledge/permission) IS assault.

It's rape! Look it up.

@ViciousJackdaw

If you have sex with someone who has led you to believe that they are using contraception, wither by outright lying or by omission then you have not given informed consent. It doesn't matter that men should use condoms if they don't want babies etc. - if he has sex with a woman who has led him to believe she is using contraception, he has not given informed consent, just as a woman who has sex with a man who tricks her into thinking he's using a condom.

Either way, it's an awful thing to do.

I agree. I’m shocked that some women think it’s fine to lie about taking the pill on time. Doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship or casual, don’t lie! If a man doesn’t want a baby, then don’t force him.

Oh come on OP. If a man stealths, he gets no consequences and is free to waltz off into the sunset. If a woman doe the same she has to face the huge ‘natural consequences’ of her decision, including risks to her own life in pregnancy and childbirth
Sorry but the natural consequences are the same that other women, who haven’t lied to their partners, face. So that completely cancels out.
What remains is deception and I do believe it should be a criminal offence (though I have no idea how it can be proved). A man ends up paying child maintenance for nearly two decades for a child that he categorically didn’t want. That is stealing and blackmail. And that is the b eat case scenario. I don’t think this happens in a bubble. From the guy to the child and the potential next partner that guy looks for, there is a lot of collateral damage and that is something you can’t put a price on at all.

Buck stops with the man. If he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy, he uses a condom. Every single time he doesn't, for whatever reason, he knows this, no matter what his partner has told him.
The only way to prevent an 'accidental pregnancy is by using a condom or abstaining.
We can blame the women all we like but the man could have prevented it happening

Yes, I think it is more common than a lot of people realise. And while men do it occasionally I think this is one thing that is more often women, maybe by a fair bit.

They generally seem to tell themselves that i the man doesn't want to be a dad he should take measures and use a condom, even if the woman has said she is taking precautions.

I'm not counting contraceptive failure due to errors or even laziness, I mean deliberalty getting pregnant or possibly deliberately not taking measures when the person has said they are.

Contraceptive failure does happen, though, sometimes even with surgical methods. I heard a crazy radio interview with a couple once who had just had, if I recall correctly, their 9th child. The father had had a vasectomy before child 8, and it failed. Then the mother had her tubes tied - and it failed. The poor father sounded kid of demoralised in the interview.

@CJsGoldfish

Buck stops with the man. If he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy, he uses a condom. Every single time he doesn't, for whatever reason, he knows this, no matter what his partner has told him. The only way to prevent an 'accidental pregnancy is by using a condom or abstaining. We can blame the women all we like but the man could have prevented it happening

Kind of like if your spouse has a shared account with you, it's your own fault if they empty it to run off with the neighbour to Morocco?

We have to trust people all the time, what does it say if we can't trust our intimate partner over something so impactful?

It’s not cheating. It is the responsibility of the individual who does not want children to organise their contraception when they choose to have intercourse.

Wasn't a man convicted of rape recently because he removed the condom half way through the act/pretended he was wearing one when he wasn't

Would be interesting if this was applied to all the women who have deliberate "contraception failures" .

It happens and it’s a terrible thing to do.
It doesn’t cancel out because of all the terrible shitty things men do.
Don’t know why women are justifying other women doing this!

I'm the result of contraception deception - DM wanted to try for a girl (I have two older brothers) but DF didnt want another DC. I was passed off as an accidental pregnancy. DM told me this many years later. It does make me view my DM differently.

DH was as a result of a missed visit to the chemist according to DFiL.

Coincidentally DH and I had a genuine contraceptive failure (copper coil, DC3 born practically clutching the damn thing!).

Where there is deception I'm not sure what punishment is appropriate if the deception is by the woman. Ultimately any punishment would impact on the child.

If the deception is by the man then financial penalty would be appropriate.

It doesn’t cancel out because of all the terrible shitty things men do.

Wow bit of a sexist over generalisation there!

The fact that they get it worse doesn't mean women should be ok to stealth or that all should be forgiven. No way can anyone moan about consequences if they actively acted to get them. If I go and jump of the second floor of the building I won't have no right to moan about my damaged legs. Same for this.

If you jump off the building, you won’t be arrested (unless you’re trespassing or some other additional crime). If you push someone off the building, you will. See the difference?

I think planned contraception failures (either through sabotage or by removal) are both wrong but it’s worse when men do it.

Happened to me in my late teens. Condom split - then, when I was given the MAP, for some reason I didn't take the dosage instructions in properly. You were given 4 pills, two to be taken ASAP, two to be taken 12 hours after that. For some reason, I immediately swallowed....one hmm. 12 hours later, I went to take the second dose, re read the instructions, and thought "Oh fuck. Still, I'm sure it'll be fine".....It wasn't.

That's not a double contraception failure. Its one contraception failure and one failure to read instructions properly. You really shouldn't be telling people that and I'm not surprised they don't believe you.

Anyway, anyone who deliberately stops taking contraception in any form to deliberately have a child when the other person is unaware or doesn't want them us a shit person. That includes men and women, men have been known to put holes in condoms. Women stop taking pills, injections or get implants/coils removed or don't take the MAP. I'd bet if a thread was made in here about a man who puts holes in condoms he'd be condemned. But it seems to be OK the other way around. No it's not. You're a shit person either way when you deliberately do that.

And if you can't take a pill reliably, I just listed the other options above. I got the implant because it's got a higher percentage than the others and I don't have to bother with taking a pill every day and wasting time going to the pharmacy. Yeah it's got side effects, unfortunately they normally all do except condoms, I just put up with it. Would rather have the side effects than a baby I don't want.

My mate told her husband and family she got pregnant on the pill. She is my best friend and I can say for a fact she stopped taking the pill but she has never told anyone else. Their daughter is 7 now. They did go on to have another child which was a joint decision she just felt she had to give him a push to get started.

I dont understand it all at. I would love another dp says no so I am not going to trick him into having a baby. I want a baby we BOTH want.
Yes we are taking precautions but I would NEVER interfere with it.

I think the point being made about the consequences to the other partner is that the consequences to the victim are different so punishment should be different.

Yes, a women pregnant by 'stealthing' of her own has the same pregnancy as one who has a willing partner.

But the male victim of stealthing can walk away life unchanged. A female victim can't. So IMO one is more serious than the other.

Fwiw my 'bonus baby' was conceived with a coil fitted. He's a joy and a terror in equal measure.

You cant make "lying about contraception" a crime without serious unintended consequences. E.g a woman in a coercive/abusive relationship who doesnt want to get pregnant so secretly takes contraception could be prosecuted. It is also awkward because it becomes one persons word against another. My ex was telling people at one point I trapped him by getting pregnant. That absolutely is not what happened but I can completely see him threatening to take it to court if he could just to mess with me. In fact I think it could have an impact on child support claims - lots of men saying if their ex reports them to CMS they will report them to the police for forced pregnancy or whatever. Even if its all bollocks that could stress a lot of women out.

If a man doesn’t want a baby, then don’t force him
Sadly in these instances, the woman is much more concerned with what she wants than what he might not want. It's easy too, she can lie and therefore never accused. If he decides to want nothing with the baby he will be labelled as a horrible person, so really it's not hard if morals are not strong.

And yes, it happens much more than admitted.

But also, I agree, that deliberately getting pregnant when the man thinks you are on contraception, deliberately staging a "contraceptive failure" is despicable behaviour. I just think making it illegal has the potential to do more harm than good. There are lots of things that I really judge - e.g. people having affairs that I dont think should be illegal.

Added to which "just get pregnant, he'll come round to the idea" or "if you want him to commit properly get pregnant" is really terribly awful advice.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

The fact that they get it worse doesn't mean women should be ok to stealth or that all should be forgiven. No way can anyone moan about consequences if they actively acted to get them. If I go and jump of the second floor of the building I won't have no right to moan about my damaged legs. Same for this.

If you jump off the building, you won’t be arrested (unless you’re trespassing or some other additional crime). If you push someone off the building, you will. See the difference?

I think planned contraception failures (either through sabotage or by removal) are both wrong but it’s worse when men do it.

Absolutely. I agree. That was meant on the women as pp said the women have the consequences.

I believe any person lying about contraception is despicable and damaged individual who shouldn't have a child. If people can easily lie about something big like this one must honestly wonder what else are they lying about. I couldn't be friend with someone like that.

It does happen, sadly.
A friend of mine had what she thought was safe sex, only to discover the absolute bastard had removed the condom. It's called 'stealthing' I believe.

I looked after her son quite a lot when he was young because she was struggling a lot.

I hope that bastard gets dick rot and it falls off.

I'd be willing to bet that most of the 'why won't he marry me we have 1/2/3 children' posters have similar accidental pregnancy stories.