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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring a baby to a funeral?

210 replies

CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 20:24

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

OP posts:
georgedawes · 22/11/2020 20:26

No not at all, how could you go otherwise? Obviously would go out if baby cried but other than that not remotely inappropriate.

georgedawes · 22/11/2020 20:26

And should have said, sorry for your loss.

RefuseTheLies · 22/11/2020 20:27

Totally fine. Sit close to the door so that if the baby cries, you can slip out without too much disruption.

LizzieSiddal · 22/11/2020 20:28

YANBU

I attended a funeral when Dd who was ebf, was 4 months old. I left her with someone for about two hours as unfortunately it was a baby’s funeral and I just could not take her. However for a grandparents funeral I would 100% have taken her.

joybrightnice · 22/11/2020 20:29

At that age I think it is fine. I had to take my DD to my uncles funeral when she was 20 months and it was a nightmare trying to keep her quiet.

JamSarnie · 22/11/2020 20:29

Who has told you it's inappropriate?

Personally only close relatives get to say what is or isn't appropriate at a funeral and I would class you as being a close relative.

So sorry for your loss Thanks

HotSince63 · 22/11/2020 20:29

Is there limited numbers due to covid and the baby will count towards those numbers?

Either way, you've been told (presumably by whoever has organised the funeral) that baby is not welcome, you should respect their wishes.

DrDetriment · 22/11/2020 20:29

Sorry for your loss but I do think it's inappropriate. A baby screamed all through my grandmother's funeral which caused great distress to my mum. Babies are never as quiet as parents think. Even if they leave when the baby cries it's still very disruptive, with babbling, random cries etc.

mineofuselessinformation · 22/11/2020 20:29

I think that your grandparent would have been thrilled that your baby was there. Ignore any criticism and go.
You want to go, so that means your baby needs to go too.
As PP have suggested, sit at the back so if baby is unsettled you can go out if you need to.

Whynotnowbaby · 22/11/2020 20:31

I have taken two different babies to two different funerals! Both ebf, I used a sling with them which meant they were calm throughout the service bit but sat by the door so I could take them out if necessary.

Itsalwayssunnyupnorth · 22/11/2020 20:32

Do what you feel is best for you OP I think it’s a very personal choice. My granny died the day my baby was born and the funeral was 2 weeks later about 1.5 hours away. A family member from the other side of the family took baby for a walk in the pram while we were in the service as I personally didn’t want baby there in case they cried/I knew I would be a bit of a mess. Baby was BF did a feed just before and they slept while being walked around in their pram. I’m sorry for your loss just do whatever feels most comfy for you and causes you the least stress at this difficult time x

BikeRunSki · 22/11/2020 20:32

When DH's GM died, there were 7 or 8 children at her funeral aged 2 months - 4 years. My FIL said he loved having them (his grandchildren and great nephews and nieces) there on such a sad day. The toddlers and preschoolers all left the chapel before the end as thy were getting restless, the babies mostly slept.

If it doesn't impact on the numbers allowed at the funeral, I'd take your baby and step out if she gets restless. screams, needs feeding etc. If she does make a difference to the numbers, then could someone mind her in a car nearby? (Presumably no cafes etc will be open my this time)(also presuming you are in England, which of course you may not be).

MarthasGinYard · 22/11/2020 20:32

Sorry for your loss Op

'you've been told (presumably by whoever has organised the funeral) that baby is not welcome, you should respect their wishes.'

I sort of agree with this though.

However, if it's just an opinion of some unconnected person I would just check how close family feel about it.

EBearhug · 22/11/2020 20:34

One of my schoolfriend brought her baby to my Mum's funeral. Or at least to the wake afterwards. I am less sure if she was at the actual funeral. I think for a grandparent, it would be fine, unless you know they specifically said no (my own grandparents on one side had... interestingly restrictive ideas about who should attend their funerals.)

LolaSmiles · 22/11/2020 20:34

I'm torn on this.
I didn't take my breastfed baby to a funeral because they're never as quiet as we think and the last thing I wanted was for their noise to disrupt. I understand why you might want to take them with you so if you do then just be prepared to step outside.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 22/11/2020 20:35

I took my 4 month old to my Nana’s funeral. She was EBF, of course I had to take her! I did a reading, I’m sure my nana would have rather the both of us were there. It’s a close family member, you have a nursling, of course you should both go.Sorry for your loss x

Zofloratheexplora · 22/11/2020 20:36

I had to take my 3 month old to my grandfather's funeral. I also had to breastfeed her during the service. None of family had an issue with it and they're aren't exactly supportive of breastfeeding in general.

FourPlatinumRings · 22/11/2020 20:36

Ask the principal mourners (partners, children). If there are objections, don't go.

Gatehouse77 · 22/11/2020 20:36

I took our week old baby to a funeral. No one batted an eyelid.

peboh · 22/11/2020 20:36

I personally wouldn't take a baby to a funeral, but I don't know that I'd say it's inappropriate. I just wouldn't want to risk that they start getting upset or something and then take away from the service. Even if you leave the room it will have been disrupted.
However it seems as though the baby isn't really wanted there, and I think you need to respect those wishes.
I'm sorry for your loss op! Thanks

Disappointedkoala · 22/11/2020 20:37

I took my then 5 mo to a funeral that was a few hours away. FF so had a bottle and dummy ready and sat at the back on the aisle end so if I needed to I could dash out but she barely made a peep. Family were very pleased to see her.

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 20:38

I think that’s ridiculous. Who says otherwise?

nancybotwinbloom · 22/11/2020 20:38

@Disappointedkoala

I took my then 5 mo to a funeral that was a few hours away. FF so had a bottle and dummy ready and sat at the back on the aisle end so if I needed to I could dash out but she barely made a peep. Family were very pleased to see her.
I think this is key.
Mistystar99 · 22/11/2020 20:40

I wouldn't.

ChocBeforeCock · 22/11/2020 20:42

It very much depends on who thinks you shouldn’t take her. If it’s a very close relative, I think you should respect that. I can imagine some would be very distressed if the service was disrupted by crying.