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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring a baby to a funeral?

210 replies

CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 20:24

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

OP posts:
lakesidewinter · 23/11/2020 00:49

I would have said you should go but if it is your parent saying this then you probably shouldn't.
Grief can sometimes make people behave badly so try and just support them in what they need.

ddl1 · 23/11/2020 01:05

Who is telling you this? If it's the principal mourners/ organizers of the the funeral, then I think you have to accept their wishes, so long as they accept that it may mean that you can't go. If it's someone else, then I think you can ignore them.

mamakoukla · 23/11/2020 01:30

Sorry for your loss. I took DD to a funeral when she was four weeks old. The priest was very welcoming and made a point of telling me that if she did make any noise, it was welcome as it meant young life. As a nervous first time parent,it meant a lot. She also brought some smiles on a difficult day

mamakoukla · 23/11/2020 01:32

PS she was breastfed and we’d find a discreet side off to the side. Not a whimper (useful on flights as well).

caringcarer · 23/11/2020 01:51

I think k I would ask a friend to go with me and feed baby just before service then get friend to take baby for a walk whilst service was on but bring baby to good afterwards. Not sure if that is still allowed though ATM. If not meet up after service to drive back home.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 23/11/2020 05:30

@CescaNicole

Thankyou all for your thoughts. It is my parent who has said this so I do respect their wishes, but will probably have to miss the funeral because of it. The Covid numbers is not an issue - there are less than 30 people attending. I would obviously not allow her to take up a space instead of someone else!
I would consider the deceased's wishes, then the wishes of any relative who was closer to the deceased than me. If the parent who said it was inappropriate was your grandma's child, as opposed to just married to your grandma's child, then I'd do what they want in this case.

How would they feel about you skipping the funeral but attending the wake with the baby? Or is that also a no?

wellthatsunusual · 23/11/2020 05:50

It always amazes me how uptight people are about funerals. Where I'm from the idea of a baby or child not being welcome at a close relative's funeral is just unthinkable.

However, if whoever is organising the funeral says no babies then you have no choice but to respect it. Just have to hope they don't simultaneously hold it against you for not attending, even though it's their wishes not yours.

TheOrigRights · 23/11/2020 07:38

Do your parents realise you won't be able to go unless baby comes too?
Perhaps they just haven't thought it through and think you'd be happy (and maybe even prefer) to leave baby with someone.

Personally I have always wanted my children close to me at funerals.

jojomolo · 23/11/2020 07:46

There were babies and children at my mother's funeral. It brought me great comfort, personally. I felt that we were all taking part in a great story together, that went on before us and will go on after us.

EggysMom · 23/11/2020 07:54

We cannot give you the answer. Some families don't mind children at funerals (DH family) and others consider funerals to be appropriate for teenagers upwards (my family). Follow the wishes of the principal mourners.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 23/11/2020 07:57

My Welsh family never allows children at funerals. Tradition.

whoami24601 · 23/11/2020 07:57

I've taken babies to three funerals and it's never been an issue. Feed just before, Pop baby in a sling and you'll barely notice they're there.

tabulahrasa · 23/11/2020 08:00

Why can’t you go?

Just take someone with you, they take the baby for a walk during the funeral... I’m assuming the baby has another parent?

Fleetwoodmacs · 23/11/2020 08:02

I'd take her, but sit near the back and be prepared to take her out if she cries.

I certainly wouldn't mind someone taking a baby to an older persons funeral.

GreatBritishBachOff · 23/11/2020 08:07

I think because it’s one/both of your parents wishes you will have to respect that but it’s really sad you will have to miss the funeral as a result. So sorry for your loss 💐

LITHIUMcomeasUare · 23/11/2020 08:09

Since it is one of your parents that think it is unreasonable then I would take notice of their comments after all their parent is the one that has died. Perhaps they are so upset and don't feel a baby that may cry mid service is appropriate?

GiraffeNecked · 23/11/2020 08:09

I’ve been to 4 funerals over the past 18 months. There was a baby at everyone of them. Parents near the door to take out if necessary. There were dogs at 2 of them too.

Enko · 23/11/2020 08:13

Dd1 came to dhs grandmas funeral (so her great gran) age 11 months. Everyone came up after and said how lovely it was for her to be there as it reminded them of how life goes on and the next generation. Said dd is now 22 and she looks SO much like said greatgrandma that it truly was life going on

Bowerbird5 · 23/11/2020 08:17

I took my three week old to my GP’s funeral. I fed him just before leaving and he slept all the way through. It was very sad as GP died in a freak accident and he saved a child’s life then had a heart attack. The baby was his youngest patient. Lots of people commented positively as it gave them something else to focus on.

I would definitely go as it was your grandparent and baby’s great grandparent. Sit near the aisle so you can nip out easily if baby cries but try and feed just before you go.

sashh · 23/11/2020 08:21

No problem with a baby at a funeral unless it is culturally inappropriate and from what you have said it isn't.

For anyone who doesn't know there are some cultures that do not allow pregnant women or babies at funerals as there is a belief the soul/spirit can enter the baby.

Soubriquet · 23/11/2020 08:24

I remember with my grandads funeral, my cousin brought her baby.

I thought it was inappropriate as I didn’t think funerals were places for children especially since I went through a lot of trouble to get mine baby sat.

But tbh, if I didn’t know he was there, I wouldn’t have known. He didn’t make a murmur and I know if he had, she would have taken him out.

Upon reflection, I realised I didn’t take my children so I could mourn and cry without upsetting my two kids.

So no, take your baby

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/11/2020 08:34

I can't see what's wrong with it at all, well unless DGP absolutely hated all babies.

elenacampana · 23/11/2020 09:52

It is up to those most closely connected to the deceased so check with them.

GoldfishParade · 23/11/2020 09:59

I think babies at funerals are deeply annoying. It's a time to focus and reflect on the person who has gone and those left behind with pain. I like babies but hearing one crying or babbling in the service is distracting IMO. In situations like that I always find it weird that the parents couldn't prioritise the deceaseds family over themselves for just one half day

edin16 · 23/11/2020 10:19

Do you have a partner that will come with you? You could all go and your partner can take your little one for a walk while you go to the service? They only usually last about half an hour.