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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring a baby to a funeral?

210 replies

CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 20:24

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/11/2020 20:58

I wouldn't take a baby to a funeral if I could avoid it

Sally872 · 22/11/2020 20:58

Who is saying you shouldn't? If they are closer to deceased you should respect their wishes. (I would never object to a young baby at a funeral though).

Could DP stay in car with baby and you could pop out if needed?

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2020 20:58

Of course it’s not inappropriate. Even if one of your parents said this you had your own relationship with your GP and can decide for yourself whether to bring your baby or not. My DS is breastfed and was 8 mths old when I took him to a funeral - I fed him before and after the service and Sat on DH’s lap during the service so could be taken out if he cried.

GreenClock · 22/11/2020 20:59

Only you know whether this would cause problems in your family OP. Some people disapprove of young children at funerals, others like to see them and feel that they help lift the gloom at a very tough time.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 22/11/2020 21:01

I took tiny dd to my great aunt’s funeral and a lot of people told me how glad they were I had. My only regret is that I slipped out to feed her - I was told afterwards that nobody would have minded but I didn’t know that in advance and obviously not upsetting people who are grieving is the highest priority.
There probably isn’t a one size fits all answer but babies at funerals are not necessarily wrong.

schafernaker · 22/11/2020 21:01

We didn’t take DD to my nans funeral and had numerous comments about how it was such a shame she wasn’t there. She was nearly one and would have been a nightmare to keep still, plus DHs mum lived just around the corner from the church. a little baby though I’d be taking.

Hawkmoth · 22/11/2020 21:02

I took baby DD to my gran's funeral. She was very quiet and I was single at the time so had no childcare. Still, my cousin made a very pointed remark, "ooh you're very young to be at a funeral", which revealed more about her than it did me.

Maryann1975 · 22/11/2020 21:12

I took Ds, aged 3 months to The funeral of an elderly neighbour from when I was growing up. His wife was really pleased to see us there and it meant all the grown up (and since moved out) children from the street turned out. I was glad I went. My parents, sibling and I sat at the back, and I stood up the whole way through, swaying to keep Ds asleep in his sling. At the end, the widow asked who I’d left the baby with, she hadn’t realised he was inside my cardi as he hadn’t made a sound.

It was only years later, when I realised That our crem is one way. I’d sat by the door I’d gone in through, but I’m not actually sure you can exit through that the door, as the people waiting for the next service will be queuing up outside. You go out on the opposite side of the building. Something to bear in mind if your crem is similar?

Maryann1975 · 22/11/2020 21:14

And also, I always take the dc to the wake afterwards for family funerals (although you might not be having one due to covid?). I find the lighten the mood and in our family it’s the only time that the whole family is together (Dh is one of 4 and both his parents were one of 5) so good for them to get to see everyone.

Happymum12345 · 22/11/2020 21:15

I can’t believe anyone would not allow a baby at a funeral. Of course you would leave if baby was upset. Funerals are all about a celebration of life and I’m sure your grandparents would want you there and their great grandchild.

Bouncycastle12 · 22/11/2020 21:17

I went to a funeral when my DD was three months old. Family didn’t want children or babies. Up to them and obviously a hellish time for them. I got a babysitter from Sitters.com to meet me in the car park and she looked after the baby for an hour. She was fine with that. Wasn’t ideal, but it is up to the family.

FurryGiraffe · 22/11/2020 21:21

I took DS1 to DH's grandmother's funeral when he was five months old. Nobody batted an eyelid, and several people commented that it felt very positive that he was there.

AWitchCalledMeg · 22/11/2020 21:21

I have, more than once. I just sat at the back so I could step outside if I couldn’t keep them quiet.

PocahontasMcGinty · 22/11/2020 21:21

Babies count towards the total number of people at the funeral for covid. Having recently arranged a funeral having to choose 20 people to go is heartbreaking.

It would be inappropriate for your baby to take the place of a mourner

picklemewalnuts · 22/11/2020 21:22

Its pretty straightforward at that age. Either you both go, or neither of you. The principle mourners get to choose.

blackteaplease · 22/11/2020 21:24

I took ds2 to my mums funeral when he was 5 weeks old as he was too little to leave, he was passed around all of my aunties at the wake. Who has told you its inappropriate?

Sugarhouse · 22/11/2020 21:24

My ds went to two funerals as a baby. People actually found it helped having him there as he cheered them up. I wouldn’t take him now he is 3 I don’t think but a baby is fine.

BecomeStronger · 22/11/2020 21:25

I don't think it's unreasonable but I do think it could be relevant who's objected and why.

Natsku · 22/11/2020 21:27

I had to take my then 7 month old to a funeral two years ago. I had to sit at the front because it was DD's dad funeral and she wouldn't sit without me so it was a bit disruptive when he got fussy but breastfeeding calmed him down and everyone said it was fine, no one was upset by a baby being there.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/11/2020 21:27

As numbers are limited I think ywbu to take the baby at this time.

It also depends on who told you not to. If its whoever is organising the funeral, or someone closer, then you should respect their wishes.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

QuiltingFlower · 22/11/2020 21:28

Life goes on, take the baby, grandparent would approve.

Sorry for your loss.

peakotter · 22/11/2020 21:28

I would do it unless a close family member is going to be upset. I’ve been to plenty of funerals with babies present (from the family, not friends)

If it will upset someone then do you have a friend who could come with you and take your baby for a walk during the service? They could phone you if you’re needed, but hopefully a feed just before would cover it.

edin16 · 22/11/2020 21:29

I took DS (5 months) to his great grandads funeral last week. We sat at the back next to the door just in case he started playing up. He was awesome. He made a few cute baby noises and I had to get up and jiggle for a little bit but the rest of the time he sat and played with a quiet toy.
And after the service DS grandad and great gran (the deceased's wife and son) said it was actually really nice to hear his little baby cooing in the background.

Feministicon · 22/11/2020 21:29

My very young baby slept all the way through my DHs great uncle’s funeral.

StripyHorse · 22/11/2020 21:30

I took DD1 (aged about 18 mths) to my uncle's funeral. I took DD2 (aged about 4 mths) to my grandmother's funeral.

I know my auntie and grandad respectively enjoyed having them there. My grandad in particular took comfort in having DD there.

The only issue I would say at the moment is due to numbers - it becomes more complicated if taking the baby means another close relative can't attend.