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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring a baby to a funeral?

210 replies

CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 20:24

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

OP posts:
NC4Now · 22/11/2020 22:51

I took my son to my grandad’s funeral when he was 3 months. It was in London and involved staying overnight - DS was EBF and I couldn’t have gone without him.
I sat at the back of church and just discretely breast fed him throughout most of the service, then put him asleep in his buggy. He woke up for the wake but my cousins were glad of a baby to coo over.
I remember my cousin doing the same with her DS at my dad’s funeral.
It’s a time for family, however that works.

Dee1975 · 22/11/2020 22:51

My 12 week old DD came to my dads funeral. I say that age is too young to leave. I had a friend who kindly offered to take DD to back of church / outside if she cried. (Which she did).
I don’t think taking your 12w old is fine.

movingonup20 · 22/11/2020 22:53

It's fine as long as the person organising eg partner of deceased is ok

Chocolatefancy · 22/11/2020 23:01

No I’m sorry but I don’t agree especially with the numbers limiting, I find it a bit rude.
It’s not really the place to show off your latest offspring. The cooing, maybe sounds cute to you but I’d find that fecking annoying. Sorry

SecretSpAD · 22/11/2020 23:02

Someone brought a baby to my sister in laws funeral a couple of years ago. It was an incredibly stressful and upsetting day for her children and was not helped by this child screeching through the service and, in particular when my niece and nephew gave their eulogies to their mum. In the end the vicar stopped the ceremony and asked the parent to leave. They did after a while and whinging. It was a difficult moment in a difficult day.

Babies and young children do not belong at a funeral.

FiveToFour · 22/11/2020 23:05

My sister in law died when DD was 8 weeks old and I took her to the funeral, I think she slept all the way through.

Itsalwayssunnyupnorth · 22/11/2020 23:06

My family would have absolutely been happy for baby to be at my gran’s funeral it was me that didn’t want them there. I didn’t get to say bye to my gran as she went very quickly in the end and I was in hospital having baby when she died. I was really close to her and her funeral was my time to say goodbye ‘stepping out’ if baby cried wouldn’t have felt right and I also wanted to be there for my dad who had just lost his mum and my sister who was also really close to her. I also don’t think me being a snotty crying mess would have helped calm baby down had they got unsettled. Baby came to the wake afterwards which everyone liked.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 22/11/2020 23:08

I agree with others, it depends who has said you shouldn’t bring the baby

Ds1 was 18 months when i took him to my mums funeral, he was as good as gold and mil had him in case she needed to nip out with him

Sleazeyjet · 22/11/2020 23:09

It really does depend who is saying it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 22/11/2020 23:15

I took my babies to both grandma's funerals. One was just over a year and then when she was 3 I took her and my one month old to my other gran's. As long as they don't scream the place down I see no issue.

DisappointedLemur · 22/11/2020 23:16

I took my bf 4 week old to my Dads funeral, left my older children with a friend. Lived 2 hours away, my siblings disagreed with me and thought I should have got someone to look after him. I also wasn't 'allowed' to sit with them at the wake as the BF made them feel uncomfortable. Take the baby!

Original poster
CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 23:21

Thankyou all for your thoughts.
It is my parent who has said this so I do respect their wishes, but will probably have to miss the funeral because of it.
The Covid numbers is not an issue - there are less than 30 people attending.
I would obviously not allow her to take up a space instead of someone else!

OP posts:
Original poster
CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 23:27

@Chocolatefancy

No I’m sorry but I don’t agree especially with the numbers limiting, I find it a bit rude. It’s not really the place to show off your latest offspring. The cooing, maybe sounds cute to you but I’d find that fecking annoying. Sorry
Your comment actually made me laugh!

I am not wanting to take her with me to show her off 😅

OP posts:
TriflePudding · 22/11/2020 23:30

OP I am sorry for your loss.
Grief can affect people in many different ways, and you have to take the lead from the organisers/closer family members on this - and they have specifically asked you to not take the baby which means you shouldn’t.

AintPageantMaterial · 22/11/2020 23:32

I think every funeral needs a baby. They remind people of new beginnings, the circle of life, they bring optimism and hope with them.

TheCraicDealer · 22/11/2020 23:36

We had my DFIL's funeral this week and i wasn't bothered about taking DD (13mos), but DMIL politely asked if we could find a babysitter as DFIL didn't like babies at funerals. We all agreed had there been a wake we would have had her there as it's more informal and people would have loved to see her, but that was cancelled due to COVID.

The wishes of the deceased and immediate family are important, but it's also worth thinking about how upset you might be at some points in the service. Could you deal with the baby seeing/sensing you being upset, or setting them off, or trying to get your stuff together while crying, wearing a mask and carrying a baby? I, DH and MIL were in bits during FIL's funeral, none of us were really in a fit state to keep DD content. Could you even get a friend to meet you there and take baby for a walk in the pram during the service?

Diversion · 22/11/2020 23:37

Take your DC, you have a right to attend. Sit at the end of an aisle or near to the back so that if you need to leave you can do so without huge interruptions. Your darling baby may pick up that you are distressed and may require more comfort ie more BF, do what you need to do. I really wouldnt have an issue with this at all. Sorry for your loss.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2020 23:40

@Chocolatefancy

No I’m sorry but I don’t agree especially with the numbers limiting, I find it a bit rude. It’s not really the place to show off your latest offspring. The cooing, maybe sounds cute to you but I’d find that fecking annoying. Sorry
You think op is all super excited her grand parent died and now she gets to parade about with her baby in a cursor little outfit telling everyone how clever she is?
SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2020 23:42

I think it depends why they're saying it, how they'll react if you then don't go, how you'll feel of you don't go and what baby is likely to be like

12 weeks you pretty much nurse him if he cried , so o don't see how it's much of an issue of they're worried baby will be screaming place down. Sit on the end at the back for easy exit etc.

Cattenberg · 22/11/2020 23:44

My DSIS was taken to a funeral when she was only a few weeks old. She came back smelling of various perfumes, because lots of people wanted to hold her.

I don’t think it’s inappropriate to take a baby to a funeral, as long as you sit near a back entrance and take your baby straight outside if it starts crying.

However, I think you need to respect the views of the deceased’s closest relatives, unfortunately.

Amigoingmad29weeks · 22/11/2020 23:48

I took my baby to my husband's grans funeral. She part raised him and he wanted me there and it was the only way I could be. Tbh i didn't even consider not taking her or discuss it with anyone. Tho if I'd been asked not to then that might have been a different matter. Much easier at that age than a little older. She barely made any noise and any signs of restlessness i shoved a boob in her mouth and she was fine.

BritInAus · 22/11/2020 23:52

When you have a breastfed newborn, they pretty much need to go where you go. It's not like they're 18 months old and can cope for a while without you. As others have said, just ensure you are sat right by the door and move outside at the first sign of any crying.

raspberryk · 23/11/2020 00:17

I’ve taken mine to all family funerals starting from when ds was 4 weeks, I’ve never considered not taking them.
I’ve never sat at the back to make an exit either, all I ever got was positive remarks from family and the vicars etc.
As a grandchild I would certainly say I was in the close circle of mourners, I’ve read eulogies and readings at all grandparents funerals so I’d be pissed off at being told bringing my child was inappropriate!
My 4 year old was a delight at my grandads and added some much needed comedy value about why we had come to see great grampa but he was actually in a box BlushGrin but then we grandkids had been inappropriately drinking whisky from a hip flask to ease the speeches we were about to make.
Shock horror I even made people laugh during the eulogy.

MarjorytheTrashHeap · 23/11/2020 00:30

Have taken my children as both babies and toddlers to funerals of close relatives (grandmothers and an uncle). DH and I were both there. We sat at the back. Whoever's family member it was stayed in the whole service, the other parent took the baby/toddler out if they caused any disturbance at all. These services all took place at cremetoria which had screens or audio of the service so you could follow what was going on outside.

The presence of babies and toddlers seemed very welcome at the wake afterwards.

FarTooMuchWashing · 23/11/2020 00:36

Took my 10 day old ebf to my (elderly) grandad’s funeral (couldn’t have gone otherwise). The extended family were very pleased to have her there, particularly at the wake as it allowed for smiles as well as tears. Lots of comments about the circle of life etc.